SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. This is my first post - I just signed up today (my brother recommended this site). I apologize if this is somewhat incoherent but I'm a complete mess right now and I don't know what to do, or think, or feel. I just want it to stop.

My wife has been having an affair for the past 3 months. God. It took me 5 minutes just to write that. I found out on Monday. Not such a long story. Probably typical. My brother saw her holding hands with some guy in the city. Pure chance. Told me. I went through her emails (I have a key logger program on our computer, which I hardly every use - got it because we're overprotective parents and wanted to watch our kids' emails and web use for mention of drugs / sexting / inappropriate pics, etc.). Never really did anything with it other than the odd check in. Found emails. Nothing explicit, thank God. But confirmed the affair. Confronted her. Lots of yelling (me). Lots of crying (both of us). I am sleeping in the basement. Why the hell am I sleeping in the basement in my own house? How f***ed up is that? She's crying all the time. Why is SHE crying? This is what she wanted! To have some fling or whatever the heck it was with some guy, and NOW she's crying? Me? I can't stop crying. Last time I cried was our daughter's wedding. Before that? Each of our kid's birth. And my dad's passing. Now I'm a wreck.

I don't get it. I'm not overweight. Full head of hair. I'm 44 - she's 42. I have a good job - provide for my family. I'm generally home by 8PM and don't work weekends. Little work travel. I lived for my wife and kids. I don't drink, smoke, gamble. I've complimented her and told her I love her consistently over the more than 20 years we're married. Date nights. Mini gifts. family outings. Why? What did I do wrong and why is this guy better? What makes him so special? Was he there when we lost two kids to miscarriage? Was he there when my dad died? Did he help nurse her mom back to health and take over all of her parent's responsibilities so her dad could tend to her mom when she got sick? Was he up all night for a week straight when she was in the ICU when there were pregnancy complications? Did he have to make tough decisions that could result in losing her or the baby? What did I do wrong?

She says she loves me. BULL! I can't...bull. How do you do this to someone? I don't get it. I just don't get it. I think about it. I try not to think about it. I can't do anything but think about it. And I still don't get it.

I need to stop. I'm really sorry for this ranting. My brother said this site was very helpful for his wife's sister (I told him - he's my only family on my side besides my mom). I just can't wrap my head around this. I had to go to work today - and handle what I normally do and I can't work. I've had my office door closed all day - joining meetings via conference call, but being no real help. And instead of working, here I am. I don't even know what to say. Do. Feel. We haven't really talked since Monday. I can't even look at her without yelling and crying. I don't even know the whole story. All she says is I'm sorry over and over. Oh - and that she loves me. Ha. That's a good one. I can't even process how I feel about her. She wants me to tell her I still love her. How can I do that? I don't even know if that's true. What kind of person does that make me if I do? How can I love someone who would do this? I'm sorry. I'm falling apart. And my mind is going nuts right now. And I'm just typing this stream of consciousness. I need to stop. Maybe I'll come back when I get some of this under control. My apologies again. Really. Sorry.

No "sorries" necessary, Walloped. We've been there, done that. You are in pain, and that is perfectly fine and normal. You should be concerned if you weren't.

Be ready to ride what we call the "rollercoaster" here. You will have ups & downs; you can expect to change your mind on the simplest things at the drop of a hat. You're in trauma -real, genuine trauma.

You will get a lot of advice here. 90% is really good. Take what suits you, and leave the rest. Don't let anyone here get under your skin -they are truly trying to help. It is helpful to realize that, while your head is spinning, and logic failing (again, perfectly normal), people here have seen what works (by experience, and by others on this board).

You're in a real good place here. welcome to the club no one would ever want to be in.

There's a yellow box top-left. Click the "Healing Library" and read around. Learn the acronyms (BS = Betrayed Spouse; WS - Wandering Spouse; WW = wandering wife; M = Marriage; R = Reconciliation; D = Divorce, etc ) There are a lot of very helpful articles in the healing library.

Learn what the 180 is. It is pure gold, even if if seems contrary to common sense to you right now. Trust us. It's gold.

You'll learn little adages here (Like, "you can't nice her back" or "don't play the 'pick me' game")

KEY THOUGHT- Don't blame yourself. It isn't that you have hair or are in shape or did or didn't do nice things in the marriage. She cheated on you because she made bad choices. THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. !! !! Get that straight right now. THIS. HAD. NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. YOU. This may be hard to grasp, but it will sink in.

Don't jump into MC (marriage counseling). What is needed pronto is IC (individual counseling) for your WW right now.

This can be repaired, believe it or not. I'm 8 months in, and in a very good place. Not totally healed by any stretch, but on the road there.

You're in for a very long and difficult ride. Buckle in. Take care of YOU. Eat. Sleep. Do the simple things. Exercise. Watch your temper. Don't drink (not now; it won't help).

Also- (and this is tough)- Be ready to learn that the affair was worse than she is saying right now. We call that "trickle truth" or "TT".

I always recommend putting a book in the WS's hands, Linda MacDonald's "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It is only 90 pages or so. It saved my marriage, by changing my fWW's mindset early on. The sooner you do this, the better, IMHO. .........http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html.........

Good luck, Walloped. Keep posting. Keep us in the loop. We care. We hear you. We've been there.

Buckle in.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 3:35 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

(((Hugs)))

Read Canoe's post again, everything he says is important. And, keep ranting - it is okay. We are here for you and we have all gone through our own rants. A lot of them.

You will get a lot of people that will help your through this as much as possible. We are all apart of a family here at SI, I am so glad your brother told you about this site.

Your WW (wayward wife) chose to have an A (affair). It had NOTHING to do with you. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing. Even if you aren't the perfect husband you do not deserve to be betrayed in this manner.

The OM (other man) is not better. There is a thread here about how WS (wandering spouses) always 'affair down'. Find it and read it!

As Canoe mentioned, read the healing library, and then reread it. You will take nuggets away from it each time.

Be kind to yourself. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and drinking plenty of water. Your life has been thrown into chaos and you need to remain as healthy as possible during the shit storm.

AND - quit sleeping in the basement!! She needs to get her ass out of the bed and sleep on the couch.

Keep posting, give more details. Eventually when you are ready you will need to get to a place where you start deciding how you want to handle the situation. But, you can't get there until you know the truth about the extent of the A. Do you feel you know all the details? Is this her only one? Things to think about...when you are ready.

Stay strong and post - we are here for you.

Hi, I'm glad your brother told you about this.

I strongly urge you to try to find a good individual counsellor (with experience in infidelity, PTSD,...) as soon as possible, it will probably help you tremendously to deal with all this.

Also, I urge you to google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and it was a source of great strength when I was cheated on.

Time for MC, if you'll ever decide to give it a try, will be after both of you have done at least 5+ sessions of IC each, especially her. And when you'll be looking for MC, YOU select the MC and make sure the MC has a "no-nonsense" approach to infidelity, knows that it is 100% cheater's fault, knows that the infidelity must be dealt first (at least to a certain degree) before addressing any other problems that might have existed in the marriage.

If you want to come close to finding the truth, get her to write you a detailed timeline and send it to you via email. Then, set up a polygraph and ask her questions, including whether there were any guys before.

Be prepared that she might try to get "accidentally" pregnant to stop you from leaving. Don't have unprotected sex with her until you've both been tested for STDs and you've decided you want to risk getting her pregnant.

Go visit a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, just so you'll know your options.

What do you know about the other man (OM)? Is he married or has a gf?

Continue to reach out to family&friends, you need and deserve real-life support.

Go to the "I can relate" subsection of the forum and look for the "Betrayed menz" thread, it's an excellent one.

What are your dealbreakers? What would "certainly" make you file for divorce and not look back? It might be hard to reply to this, but think about it.

If you decide to try to reconcile (remember, you can always change your mind later!), both of you should google "How to help your spouse heal pdf Linda Macdonald", it's a great book available online for free and it might help you tremendously.

Go see your doctor to prescribe you some pills, herbal extracts etc. if you're having trouble sleeping etc. Exercise a lot. Force yourself to eat even if you don't have an appetite.

Buy a VAR immediately and have it on you, recording every interaction with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence. You might think she wouldn't do this, but she might.

Keep talking to us. We're here to listen, support and help. The more you talk to us, the more we can help.

Best wishes

Do you know who the Other Man is? Is he married? If so, you need to find and tell the Other Betrayed Spouse. It's the right thing to do. A side benefit is that a lot of Affairs die when exposed to the light of day. But, do NOT warn her that you are going to do this. It is a good test to see if her and the AP are still communicating.

Your WW needs to:

1) Be transparent. She gives you full access to e-mail, texts, etc. No passwords allowed. But, by now, realize that she's probably deleted all of the evidence, in order to "protect you". Which is bullshit, since Waywards all do it to cover their own asses.

2) Send a No Contact letter to the AP, that she shows you before it is sent. Then, no further contact is allowed between them.

3) Block his number on her phone, e-mail, etc.

That's a good start.

Like Hobbes said, go to Best Buy and get a Sony Voice Activated Recorder, and good lithium batteries. Velcro it somewhere in her car that she wouldn't look for it. You'll get a good indication what is going on by listening to who she calls and what is said when she thinks you can't find out.

I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. Don't be sorry for ranting, that's what we're all here for. The roller coaster of emotions is something we all want to get off of but you just have to ride it. Take your time. Breathe. Take care of yourself. Those are the most important things right now.

The healing library is amazing. I still read articles there very regularly, some over and over. It helps. We are here for you. Keep posting, we will read and we care. We've been there (are there). Hugs. I'm so sorry.

Walloped, welcome to our club. You've already heard some advice that's important. SI has provided me with support, ideas and has been a true lifesaver in this nightmare.

I'll just touch on a few points, the reasons why are always the toughest, I'm like you, I try to rationalize the physical reasons such as being attractive and such, I'm a very pretty woman (no ego trip just necessary) but still my WH chose to have affairs with other women.

My point is that choosing cheating has nothing usually to do with the physicality aspect it's basically the broken piece of them that allows them to take impulsive choices without the rationale of what possibly they could lose by doing so.

As the betrayed spouse we rebuff the situations that would land us in a affair, WHY? We'll it's moral aptitude, it's a high-self esteem, it's the internal conscious that tells us the gain is NOT worth the short term gain. The WS's have deficiencies in one or more of these departments. Some from childhood issues, abuse and some just because the purely felt justified and wanted to.

The idea is, WHEN you choose to make a decision about your marriage your wife needs to get into IC and dig and work hard on the reason why and what she needs to fix about herself to let this happen again,

The choice takes time, don't rush into making any commitment quickly. I did just that only to find out that this was a many time thing for my husband, he wanted to sign our reconciliation agreement since I filed for divorce the very next day after discovery (best choice yet in my situation) that clearly stated there was only a one time PA.

We had been in MC with him basically lying just to get me back into the marriage, when after pushing for the polygraph test then the whole truth came out he was a serial cheater. I thank the good people here for telling me to get the poly if I hadn't I would've never known the full depths of his sickness and my WH wouldn't be in the serious therapy he needed.

We would have been back in a marriage with my only protection of a reconcilliation agreement/ post- nuptial with infidelity clause BUT he would've never owned all the truth and kept on with his lies of it and NOT started the long hard road of recovery.

Start by implementing the 180, this is in the healing hands library. This was the KEY to my healing, I'm 3 months out, 3 weeks from hearing the whole truth and I'm doing great. By detaching yourself from them and creating distance emotionally you will gain such a better perspective of it all. It takes time but the 180 will help you WHILE it gets your wife out of her fog. There's important realities she needs to face, one of them is a life without you.

Even if you choose to give her the gift of reconciliation, SHE needs to know what she had to lose in you and her family.

The saying goes, you never know what you've got until its gone, right? The 180 will show her, despite your zombie like state right now that you are willing to leave and her behavior will NOT be easily forgiven and definitely NOT condoned. The 180 has literally saved many marriages from divorce. Follow it diligently and I promise as it has for me will be a real lifesaver when navigating this horrible mess.

Please don't apologize for your rambling, we've ALL been in the same place emotionally after having the bomb dropped. What you are feeling is totally normal, this is a major trauma.

Keep posting whatever questions or advice you need and you'll find that it will offer you the support you need.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 4:26 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Walloped

I need to stop. I'm really sorry for this ranting.

Don't be sorry. That is what this place is for. Probably no one reading this has not felt like you do right now. You can say anything you want here.

One suggestion you might want to think about is seeing your doctor to try to get some meds to help you calm down a little. There is no shame in that, and it will help you focus and gather yourself for what is ahead.

You already got some suggestions about

NO CONTACT AT ALL WITH OTHER MAN

TOTAL TRANSPARENCY OF ALL HER ELECTRONICS

COMIMITMENT TO MARRIAGE.

She needs to write you a time line of everything that has occurred. The reason you want it in writing is so she cannot change the story later and say she never said this or that. You do NOT need every sexual detail unless YOU WANT THEM. But understand she is probably going to withhold info and use all sorts of excuses why. That is pretty standard.

You do need to find out who this OM is and like you were told out him to his spouse if there is one. Don't accept that she is not going to tell you who he is.DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS.

The reason you should do this is that if he is trying to save his own ass he most likely will stop chasing your wife.

This stuff plus the VAR that has been recommended is a place to start and if you need them get the meds.

I don't get it. I'm not overweight. Full head of hair

This means nothing. None of us are immune to getting whacked by this disease. its what we do after it hits us that matters.

Try to catch your breath and keep listening to the folks here.

I never realized until I was married 40 years what a risk marriage is...

It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do why your wife cheated..

It is all about how she copes and gets her perks when life is a plain of lethal flatness...When she doesn't have what it takes to get her thru..

People need to have enough inner resources to deal with being at an all time low when it comes to getting them thru life's patches of boredom..

Otherwise they may turn to stuff that is destructive..

If you were a total Pri###44K to live with all of these years, she probably would have found a more efficient way to get out of the marriage that didn't involve cheating..

Cheating/cake eating (and hiding it) in a marriage is the coward wayward spouse's way of coping when he or she doesn't want to deal with any immediate conflict..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:04 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

What nononsense says is true..

But keep in mind, us the betrayed spouses, may be at an all time vulnerable low when cheating hits our lives..Our own or kid's chronic illnesses, bankruptcy, kiddos in college, elderly sick parents to care for etc, etc...

Meaning we may have to spend time getting our ducks in a row if or before we decide divorce is the option to deal with this..

So be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself if you take the time that you need to think / get affairs in order before you take any decisive action.. If it means extricating yourself from your marriage..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:12 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Most importantly of all the advice you have been given, I think:

1. No contact with other man. Make her do it in front of you. I wish I had. I didn't, and it continued for 4 years longer. They took it underground.

2. Total transparency of electronic devices, social media, including work email and phone. Look for hidden apps. I also made this mistake.

Also. After this is done. Check her credit report for secret credit cards that mat be used for hotel trysts, and secret burner phones. Don't be an i ft iot like me.

And remember, these first few days, she will be all about damage control and covering her ass. Don't give her time to delete and destroy evidence.

((((Walloped))) I'm so sorry for your pain.

Here's the thing: you don't need to know what to do yet. You don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or even the next day---you can take your time and let things unfold.

In the meantime, rant away. If there's one place that's great for this, it's SI. We're here for you.

Just know that he is still her boyfriend and through all her crocodile tears she has still been I contact with her.

Ask her if she is telling the truth then confiscate her phone if she is not. DO NOT LET THAT PHONE LEAVE YOUR SIGHT. She decides - the phone or your marriage NOW. Go read ICO's thread to see what happens when you don't stand up for yourself. No exceptions. I can't stress this. If she wants that phone she is sleeping somewhere else.

We will help you forensically recover every single bit of info on it

And listen to every single word that nononsense says. You are deep in shock. He has called the last 50 affairs here right on the nose. The dude is the Cheating Wife Whisperer.

So sorry you are here.

What you're going through is par for the course....it will get better with time.

"How do you do this to someone? I don't get it."

Eventually, this is something you are just going to have to forget about, whether you choose to R or D.

IMO, there will NEVER be a logical or good reason for what she did.

There is never an 'a ha' moment when your understanding of the mind of a traitor crystallizes and makes sense.

Walloped

You are going to realize in time that your wife's affair has very little to do with you or the marriage if anything at all.

Take some time to get your emotions under control.

Stop fighting or arguing with your wife. Do not have any conversations until you can both talk rationally.

Your wife needs to come clean 100%. She needs to start being honest. And this very rarely happens over night.

There will be plenty more advice but I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes that applies to your crappy situation. Think about it. The print it out for your wife. Because she has a lot of thinking and soul searching to do.

And she has forced you into a situation where you will have to make life altering decisions.

"Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become."

by Esther Perel

HM

Walloped - welcome.

What the others have said is spot on.

It's going to be OK. It really is. May not seem like it right now, but it is.

BREATHE.

You're going to get through this. We are here to help when you need us.

My wife has been having an affair for the past 3 months.

How do you know how long? Do you have evidence, or just her word on it?

Who is the guy? How did she know the guy? How did they meet initially? Is the other guy married? If so, does his wife know?

This is what she wanted! To have some fling or whatever the heck it was with some guy

Is this what she told you? Why a fling? Have there been other flings? Pretty brazen to hold hands with her in the city where anyone could see it, don't you think? Why did your wife say she cheated? Did your wife say she was in love with him? How many other people did she tell about the affair? How many people know about it now?

Did she have unprotected sex? Did she have sex with you during that time?

How do you know she is not in contact with him?

Has she done any actions? Like change her email, change her phone number? Has she made an appointment to test for STDs? Has she offered to leave the house, or the bedroom, if that's what you want?