SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good to see you back, Walloped. This is a great place for support.

Why do we care?

------->because we've been in your shoes and understand.

Keep posting. Keep reading.

I’m sorry. I can’t write the details. Basically, she felt close to him. He told her how I didn’t appreciate what I had. Wasn’t spending enough time with her. She believed him. Started resenting me. My job. My supposed lack of involvement with the wedding. It got fully physical about a month after the wedding. He lives in the Upper West Side. Has an apartment there.

Don't worry about having to write out all the details. We all know this "player" methodology all too well and have a good idea in our own situations how this is done. We know. We understand.

It is also normal to go back into our own marital history and try to find the "why". We can tell you now that it isn't there. The "why" is within your WW and she needs IC to figure this out. The "why" is never about you or the M. It is ALL on her.

So far, you have a WW that is initially owning her affair up front. She needs to see an therapists that sepcializes in infidelity as soon as possible. You BOTH needs to send the OM a NC letter, message, phone call and make it clear to him that the affair is over.

You need to also start making a list of requirements for your wife to consider reconciliation. Take it one step at a time and try not to overwhelm yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for more help. Your brother is more than happy to pay it back to big brother. You both will bond stronger because of this. Don't be afraid to let your superiors and key people at work know that you are also in a difficult family situation. You would be surprised how supportive and understanding they can be.

How do you know he is divorced? She told you? He may have lied to her. She may be lying. Anything she tells you at this point should be questioned. Verify everything.

Read up on 180 and start now. The actions you take in the next 2 weeks will PROFOUNDLY affect your options in the future.

Walloped, I'll reiterate with what a previous poster has said, were here because everyone on SI has came to the rescue when we first found out to every other pitfall and it's paying it forward the advice and support. It's very hard to find people who have been thru this type of situation that can guide you with an open mind.

Telling friends usually leads to being told to leave and never look back but it's not until you've walked a mile in the shoes of a BS's that you can ultimately relate.

You've been told some good advice, the NC letter first and foremost. Also block his number from her phone and sit down on your own and write a list of requirements for her.

This is the time where she should be getting IC to find the broken piece in her that allowed this to happen. It does sound like you have a lot of positives in her to work with and the history of a good marriage sounds like you have a strong bond.

A saying I like is that an affair is the equivalent of a broken vase, with hard work and dedication you can glue it back together, yes, you can still see the cracks but the vase is stronger now with the glue and able to withstand pressure better then before.

Be kind to yourself and expect to feel many emotions, there all normal with this kind of trauma. You won't be able to function at your normal pace for sometime so tell anyone at work that your having some real issues at home and ask if they could possibly pick up your slack until things settle. Trying to keep up your normal pace will just lead to poor performance and it's much better to be proactive and tell whomever you report to, that your having issues.

Keep posting!

I asked her if she ever brought him to our home. She looked shocked and swore she didn’t. They always went to his place during the day. That she’d never disrespect me like that.

Just so you know, we all know how ridiculous this sounds. We have had similar crap come out of our WS's mouths. She will say more crazy stuff, so get ready. (My WS once told me that the other woman was kind of fat and he didn't like her that much anyway [but still had sex with her, of course]). He thought that would make me feel better, I guess.

She was in la la land with someone that told her how very super awesome she was. All unicorns and rainbows. And weak people fall for that stuff. She is/was weak.

Remember, this is not about you. This is about her wanting to feel special and she took the risk of losing you so she could get the warm and fuzzies with some dude. She is the one who is out of her cotton-pickin' mind.

I am so sorry that you are in pain. I have felt it and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (except, maybe the other woman ).

The OM will probably still try and contact your WW (wayward wife).

She needs to tell you every time he does.

It may come down to you talking to him to tell him to go pound sand.

another thing to make sure the affair is dead and stays dead exposure to a certain degree helps, It is not done out of revenge but to bring everything into the light of day---affairs do not like the light of day. Exposure can also give you much needed support.

exposure could include:

your WW parents

your mom

OM

and be sure to check if OM has a girl friend and or wife

OM's son (maybe not required)

your children (maybe not required) they are all adults

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT EXPOSING, especially to OM, this way if she finds out you know she is still in contact with him.

This specific volunteer group has to end

heck maybe even all the volunteer groups will have to end -- they will be a trigger for you.

[This message edited by convert at 11:44 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

It hurts so, so much. I can see the pain just dripping from your written words. What I am about to say is a huge compliment to you, although you might not see it that way initially.

......You are FAR better positioned and are already much farther down the road to recovery than most of the blubbering messes who have the misfortune of needing to spew here in the JFO forum on this board. Your analytical mind and unwillingness to blame yourself has already protected you from some of the suffering betrayed souses all to often subject themselves to. No "pick me" dancing and bending over backward to "win" the affection of the WW.

Std tests for both of you

Shrink for her

Establish what you need for safety from her while you sort out the shit sandwich.

DO NOT agree to reconciliation until you have sorted out what is going on.

Use this forum and other available resources to help you.

Your "baby" brother seems to have grown into a strong man.

Hey, you are doing great in this terrible first part of things, especially since you were blindsided. You absolutely need to keep doing the right things around NC, and the equivalent of 'leave the job' means her cutting ties with organizations where AP volunteers, etc.

If necessary, she needs to explicitly tell folks in those places that AP and she had a relationship that was in appropriate and when she and you ended it AP has continued to harass her and that is why she must cease volunteering with them.

Here is my main point though: you have a great base of a marriage to work on. Yes, you know she has flaws and makes mistakes and she knows vice versa. An affair in a situation like this is a huge long series of mistakes, but each mistake reinforces things so you get this self-referential 'fog' where it makes sense. You need to know what all the mistakes were, but they do become an inseparable bound up mess rather than individual decisions after a while. At least, that's what I believe happened with my XWW.

Think about what it would mean to R. If you both love another deeply and want to be together and happy, she has to find and fix whatever it was that caused her to inflict this damage. You have to decide you can 'forgive but not forget'. Then, and this may be the most difficult, she has to convince you that her change is real, she has to find a way of life that allows her to be comfortable in the unequal role of 'making it up to you' for a while, and you need to accept that after a finite time you need to be fully equal and happy together. Tough stuff.

Best wishes, it sounds like she is truly remorseful and you can help her do what she needs to do.

Walloped: I'm sorry that you're in this position like the rest of us. I found this site to be very helpful because it gave me insights that I would have never come to on my own.

A couple of things though: Why did your WW continue to answer his calls 14 times after DD and talk to him for 2-3 minutes each time. She should not be answering his calls or better yet, hIs number should be blocked. On the other hand, the fact that he has been calling that number repeatedly suggests that your WW does not have a secret second phone, which is a certain indicator that one of the affair partners has prior affair experience.

Second, is your WW still coming into the city to volunteer at the same hospital that OM is? If so, you should demand that she stop and volunteer elsewhere. Her response to that demand will be telling on where you stand.

Third, has your WW asked you to return to your bedroom? It may be a red flag if she has not.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 12:16 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

Right now, brother, you're in a state of shock.

That's normal. We've all been there and done that. You'll get no judgment from us. It's going to take a while to wear off.

Right now, don't worry too much about the how and why of it. If your wife is anything like our spouses, and you'll be surprised at how much we all share in common.

She's going to blame everyone and everything but herself for quite a while. Again, normal. Don't listen to word of it. Throw it right back in her face.

There is no justification for infidelity!

Read that over and over again. Say it out loud. Scream it at your wife!

This was not your fault.

Read that over and over again, too. Say it out loud. Scream it at your wife! You will not accept any blame-shifting, excuses or bullshit rationalizations. Stand your ground.

You're most important goal right now is to pull yourself together as well as you can.

Eat.

Sleep.

Exercise. Get those endorphins and hormones flowing again. It really helps.

As for "feeling" crazy and all over the place. Brother, check out my username. For months I've been feeling incredibly unhinged. Not so much now-a-days, but I still have my moments. When I first joined SI, six weeks after D-day, I was all over the place, as several of the folks here can attest to. They saved my sanity and, to be perfectly honest, my marriage.

Welcome to the club, brother! Damn shame you had to join, but it's the best decision you've made in the past few insane and crazy days.

I agree:

Walloped: I'm sorry that you're in this position like the rest of us. I found this site to be very helpful because it gave me insights that I would have never come to on my own.

A couple of things though: Why did your WW continue to answer his calls 14 times after DD and talk to him for 2-3 minutes each time. She should not be answering his calls or better yet, hIs number should be blocked. On the other hand, the fact that he has been calling that number repeatedly suggests that your WW does not have a secret second phone, which is a certain indicator that one of the affair partners has prior affair experience.

Second, is your WW still coming into the city to volunteer at the same hospital that OM is? If so, you should demand that she stop and volunteer elsewhere. Her response to that demand will be telling on where you stand.

Third, has your WW asked you to return to your bedroom? It may be a red flag if she has not.

Good luck.

yes the OM's number should be blocked or maybe even a new phone all together.

He is not going to stop trying to contact her, he must not be afraid of you knowing, you should at least make him uncomfortable by exposing him to the volunteer group(s)

maybe even a restraining order (you wife would have to do this).

[This message edited by convert at 12:26 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

Your wife does love you. You provide companionship and security. You are her rock. In a way this made it easier to cheat on you. She took for granted that you would always be there. This is also why the thought of losing you shakes her to her core.

I have developed a profile from the two cases below as well as others. The women are around 40 with an empty or soon to be empty nest. They married young and have very limited or no sexual history with other men. They have a marriage that everyone around them is envious of. Their kids will tell them to “get a room.”

The husband has been faithful the entire marriage and projects his attitude onto his loving wife. If he doesn’t screw around his loving wife would certainly never consider it. This blinds him and causes him to dismiss any clues he might accidently find.

The marriage is important to the wife so she is very careful to cover her tracks. She feels that she will never be caught and if she is the marriage is so good that her husband will forgive her if she says the right things.

If the WW is caught it’s usually because of some random miracle or the other man’s wife found out (because the other man isn’t as careful as she is or the other man’s wife isn’t as trusting as her husband is).

Usually (with some exceptions) she doesn’t go looking for an affair. It’s like a perfect storm. Someone she knew from high school days shows up or she is forced to spend innocent time with a guy and develops a friendship over time. The opportunity presents itself. More free time due to the empty nest. The husband or the wife having to travel for work.

One WW went looking for an affair. Her example was always eating your favorite dish (her husband) at your favorite restaurant. Then you find out that the restaurant is about to close permanently (she’s turning 40). You will never get a chance to try all those good looking dishes (other men) you’ve seen over the years unless you do it now.

WW WITH GREAT MARRIGES AND GROWN KIDS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=557162

[This message edited by Graywolf at 1:58 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

Hi,

I am deeply sorry you are here.

First some facts:

She was a wonderful mother, and you a wonderful father, a great wife and you a great husband, she was a devoted family aprent as you were…My point is you may own the 50% of the mariage problems before the her affair, but her affair is 100% on her. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She pefered to listed to a scum bag intead of you, she prefered to let OM mess with her head and instead of talking to you she started an affair.

Affairs are not mistakes or consequences, are choises people make.

She still has a deeply boundong with OM. I am sorry but a 21 minut call to say taht is over, as a mistake and dont reach me again on ly takes 3 minuts. 21 minuts is when you say how hust you are that something so wonderfull has to end becasue was wrong even when you know that your are leaving your soulmate….Any how if she finished the affair why is she still answering her calls and spending 3 minuts in eachone to say “dont ever call me agains”. IMO she is telling him how sorry she is for all of that, etc, etc….

Related to the previos point, she is aswering his calls because she is still in love with him, she will be mpurning her lost... IMO she is still talking to him because she can be with out him. Any how you will never know if she is still saying I love you to him in each call.

If i just destroyed my spouse and my family i wouldnt be talking to the persons that facilitated the whole odreal. BTW if R takes place no contact is a must.

You need to be tested for STD, she must as well.

You will never know the truth, if she did thing with him that were forbitten for you, if she badmouthed you, etc. Even if they really wasnt at your home.

Things will never be the same, this pain will be with you for a log time.

You will never know if there was somebody else before…Your wife is a lyer so her Word doent mean nothing.

You will always wonder if your marriage was a lie.

You will alwau¡ys wonder if she was hinking about him, even talking or texting him, while being with you at special dates.

You need to know what has taken place to what you will be suposed to forgive. You dont need the glory details, some people needs them some doent, just remenber if recovering her text ()sex pics, sexting, etc), emails, etc, or she aswering your qyestions, that once you see or hear something you cat never unsee it or unhear it.

You are still Young.

Your kids are grown ups.

Now, IMO this is what you need to do:

Ask her for a time line of what happened from the begginig, tell her that every thing in the time ine, ebery answer ahe gives you, will be verufyed by a poly test (it is not acurate but the idea is make her come clean). Explain to her that minimizing or omiting are lies too.

The thing with lies is that every need Discovery is a new Dday and will take you back again and again, pushing you away more and more each time.

Before deciding i f you want to R or D, ask her what does she really want, she musnt be staying with you for the family or teh kids, she must be willing to be with you for your sekf and nothing more.

If D or R (R is a very long jorney) you must explain to your kids what happened in a very gente way. They will notice any way.

Do 180 technique, this is for detaching. This will give you the power of lessen the emotionla rollercoaster you are now, then you will be ble to decide what you want or can do. Even if yu want to R the only way to sabe your marriage is to be willing to lose it. She must know and feel taht you can go away any time.

Get your selt in IC, and she should go as well (even if D she will always be your kids mom, she needs to get well)

Do not start MC until you are ready to, after at least a couple of IC. If you can even look at her whats the pint of going to MC.

Get legal advice, just to know where you are. Even if you feel like D you can get her serve as D is a process you can stop any time.

She really needs to get a job, in case of D she will need to be financially independent.

The most important thing, take your time to decide what you wan, tehre is not rush about it.

Sorry fot the typos, I really need to change y mobile.

Good luck

Yeah, she’s pure as the driven snow – which is why she F***ed some guy for 3 months!” I can’t reconcile the two.

I have a natural tendency to defend her. How can you talk like that about my wife? What kind of person are you insinuating she is? And then it hits me and I fall apart.

“In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.”

You want your wife and your life back. You loved the woman you thought she was and you loved the life you thought you had. You have discovered that your wife is two people. Unfortunately they both look, act and smell like the same woman. She would never do what you now know she has done.

You will find yourself jumping back and forth between the two women. You will feel sorry for her then hate her. You will insult her then feel sorry that you made her cry. You will want to protect her from the person that hurt her then realize that it was you. Then you will realize that she ripped your heart out first.

This is normal and will happen to varying degrees for years.

Walloped,

I haven't read your entire posts nor all the responses but I felt compelled to post. I know it seems like the world has collapsed all around you and it has to some degree and it is an awful place that you find yourself in right now. But everyone writing here has or currently is in the same boat as you. You will find much comfort and support here and I wish I had found this place as early on as you have.

One short thing from me that may help in some little way... Remember that you have done nothing wrong nor have you done anything that justifies what your WW has chosen to do. I, like you, was perfectly happy in my marriage and my wife wanted for nothing. I took care of her in every way and always was around and complimented her, made her feel loved, etc. It was a seemingly perfect marriage complete with two wonderful children. But even people in happy marriages can find themselves in this hellish situation. I know because it happened to me.

Walloped,

First, I am pro-reconciliation. Read my profile, we screwed it up and still reconciled.

Second, since you are going to reconcile, follow CanoeVA's suggestion:

If you decide to try to reconcile (remember, you can always change your mind later!), both of you should google "How to help your spouse heal pdf Linda Macdonald", it's a great book available online for free and it might help you tremendously.

Third, even if your WW used protection, you both must immediately get tested for STDs, full battery including HPV and HIV. Condoms leak, condoms slip, condoms break, they forget one time, they start out without one then put it on, etc. You will also have to be re-tested in 3 and 6 months, not all STDs show up immediately. This is done both for your health and to shock your WW and get her to see the depth of what she has done.

Fourth, cheaters lie, both the WS and the AP. Everything the AP told your wife must be verified. SI has seen many, many, single APs who turned out to be married.

Fifth, out the AP to the organization he was volunteering at. They won't want him any more. You will save someone else's marriage.

Lastly, remember the four tenets of reconciliation:

1 NC (No Contact)

2 Transparency

3 Honesty

4 Remorse (remorse, not regret)

Reconciliation, where you have a happy and safe marriage, is possible, but you both must do the work and it will not be easy.

Hi Walloped, I am sorry your wife has done this to you.

I will start by saying that I am neither pro R or pro D I am for the best way to get out of infidelity and to be happy and move on with your life.

I usually lean toward D when WS is not remorseful and does not get how bad they hurt you at the first confrontation.

From what you said your WW seems to be remorseful. Yes she will still lie or omit things to "protect" you. THat is common all waywards do it.

I could have written your story it is identical to mine.

Meet young got married. Together 20 years some dick comes along and convinces you wife she need him to make her feel special blah blah blah. Yup that is what happened in my case.

Don't get me wrong my fWW is still to blame. The EA went on for several months and PA lasted for 7 months. She mad a choice. Every day after some asshole stuck his dick in her she made a decision to lie and continue the affair and stab me in the back.

The only thing that saved our marriage is the fact that when i confronted her she got remorse real quick and she cut off all contact with OM. THey worked together and she got moved to a different group immidiately.

She did everything I needed to heal. From Dday on.

While I am usually here saying divorce...this time I think you have a chance. But only if she is truly remorseful.

Good luck take care of yourself if eating is still a problem get you a big ole milkshake (flavor of your choice)

Peace Brother.

I'm glad you've been replying and that you feel better.

Our advice here is not canon, so feel free to take into account what you find sensible and disregard the rest. We'll support you no matter what you decide to do, because we know each individual is different and that what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you. Best wishes!

You who responded. I do. So please take what I’m about to say in the spirit it’s intended. Please go a bit easier on people who have just found out. I know you’re all giving advice based on experience but some of the things you suggest or say about my wife…well, if it was to my face, then I’d tell you to meet me at the bike rack at 3:00! I know you mean well. I do. And while I know enough to know that I don’t have all my faculties working even close to 50% at this time, I have a natural tendency to defend her. How can you talk like that about my wife? What kind of person are you insinuating she is? And then it hits me and I fall apart. Just go softer is all I’m suggesting. Not that I don’t need a smack upside my head. I don’t know. I guess it’s just really, really hard to hear that about someone you’ve loved for nearly your entire life.

I had the same feelings when I first posted about my DDAY experience. Overwhelmed with emotions and then trying to process what, at the time, seemed like insane advice. Like Canoe said in his post, take what is useful and disregard the rest.

I was like you and felt it was crazy to even think about a polygraph. In the end, I wound up having my WH do two. Your WW has divulged a lot of information, but sadly wayward spouses RARELY give a truthful account in the beginning, especially when they are busted like your wife was.

Ultimately, your gut will guide you to what you need. If you feel you need more info, you won't rest till you get it. That may mean a polygraph or VAR or whatever. As long as you feel it's going to help you heal, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with this horrible event.

Keep posting--you're doing well, even though you may not feel like it at thr moment. We are here for you.