SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The following was written by a married player explaining why he prefers married women. I was going to suggest that you print it and give to your wife. However, after what she heard on the phone she may not need it.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

Walloped, your situation is very same to mine. You being a hard-ass is what is going to save your marriage if you want to.

Your wife is not in love with other man, she is extremely disgusted that she got played. Huge, HUGE, that you called other man's wife, fortunate that this guy was married. I didn't suspect that. The brain trust of this crew are in total more than its parts. These guys will guide you.

Your wife hates other man now. If you think that's good, it is only partly. Indifferent would be better. Hate is the flip side of love and it CAN FLIP BACK. Your wife fell so deeply with his bullshit that she will be tempted to contact him and tell him (1) how pissed off she is that he lied and (2) how could she? To her? Tell her he loved her so convincingly and lied? Your wife could live with being star-crossed lovers, soulmates (sorry, that's a lie, she DID think that), who were fated to lost by poor destiny's circumstance. She DOES NOT want to be a piece of ass to a player. So, she will be tempted to call, because of those two reasons above, and if he starts laying it on thick and tell her he really did love her, a soulmate, cheated on her wife but she cheated on me first, I lied because I loved you so much I was afraid you were too moral to end it and I loved you so much that I just couldn't bear it ... You get the idea. Right back to the cheating, only now she'll pack up and move into his apartment.

So you're 90% out of the woods of killing this affair once and for all, but you just have to be alert of that 10% chance. Or, like me, maybe your give-a-shit broke and if she can fall for shit again, then so be it.

You did a great job, you did everything correctly, and luckily your wife still does love you and the affair hadn't reached to the point of her being ready to move in with other man. Every successful reconciliation involves a good bit of luck, too. And then again sometimes you make your own luck by being in the right position, by living your life in such a way, in treating your wife and kids and family and friends, that when something goes south, you are able to wind up a winner. I can see that about you from how your family rallied around you and not your wife. And don't think that was any small reason for how your wife decided wanting to stay married immediately.

Just checking into this thread. I've seen a ton of stories here and suffered from a non-remorseful, pitiless wife, which is why I'm divorcing. Here are a few high-level thoughts that might be useful:

- Your WW shows more promise than most. Like most of us, it's unclear whether she is sincere in her regret, and whether there is any remorse behind her tears. But there is something there. Keep pressing and observing to see what the truth is with her.

- Your emotions are all over the map. This is to be expected. Continue to care for yourself and see what your intuition tells you about what you want. You might want to stay, you might want D. Either is justified given her destroying your marriage with her selfish A.

- Keep up the detective work, shitty as it is. It's necessary to verify every fact to gain confidence that your have a bedrock of truth to make decisions on.

- Look back over the relationship from the very beginning. Have there been other indications of chronic selfishness or deceit? In my case there were red flags from the very beginning that she was narcissistic and did not have the capacity for compassion. I missed those red flags that should have been obivous. I'd recommend everyone do the same when something like this happens.

- Never forget that each of us is entitled to pursue a relationship based on truth and love. Be very careful as you evaluate whether your WW has the capacity to be part of a relationship like that. Don't settle for less.

Best of luck. Keep posting.

After your wife does what is needed, it's OK to have sex with her, as much as you want, and I think it will help both of you. BUT, you still will be angry and it's OK to let your wife know that you are feeling betrayed by her, that you still don't trust her ... be authentic. But do not be sympathetic openly to her about the cheating or its consequence. It sucks she is in the situation, but she caused it. It sucks to you, too, but you did nothing wrong.

Also, fix your marriage if you can. There was issues, even if you weren't aware or thinking it was a big deal. I figured if I was going to try to stick it out in this shitty situation, I might as well make the best out of it - more sex, more types, being more open about how both feel, and getting out of the routine that lasting marriages can get in.

Time will help. A year or two at least. If there is a situation you aren't happy about with a trigger or a behavior of hers that reminds you of the cheating, speak up and don't let it fester.

Wow, what a thread! Whalloped, I think you've done very well.

I've been on and off this site for almost three years now, and the full force of "our wayward's CHOOSING an affair (commit adultery) has NOTHING to do with problems in the marriage," really has been driven home.

The problem is that EVERY marriage has problems. Of course they do. It's HOW THOSE PROBLEMS ARE HANDLED that is key. Show me a marriage without problems, and I'll show you a make believe marriage.

So when our wayward's cheat, we tend to believe--and our wayward's fiercely so--in the omnipresent logical fallacy,"Post hoc, ergo propter hoc." "After that, therefore because of that."

Oh my gosh, she must have cheated because there were problems in our marriage, and I'm 50% of the marriage! The infidelity only happened after problems in a marriage because they all have them.

There have good, bad, great, horrible, empty, full marriages here, you name it... All kinds of marriages on here and they ALL suffered from infidelity. Unless a marriage is abusive in some way (and, my goodness, how would an affair fix that?), it's just a logical fallacy.

Sorry if I'm reiterating the obvious... I believed in that logical fallacy for a long time.

Can we improve ourselves in the aftermath of our lives being shattered and turned upside down? You bet. In fact, even though my XWW chose to continue believing in her logical fallacy and fantasy, I'm much better off from having gone through my suffering and been "awakened." It turned out that her doing what she did pointed me back to internal work I needed to do, that pre-dated my marriage--way back to my FOO.

She chose to do what she did, and it irrevocably changed my, her, and our family's worlds. And in my case--I can say now (after 2 and 1/2 years)--for the better.

Keep up the good work, whalloped. Know that no matter whether you choose D or try R, that when all is said and done you will be better off than before.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 8:02 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

Hi Wallop

Sorry you are here. It's the worst club to belong with the best people in it.

Your post resonated with me on many levels. My H and I are similar ages, don't drink/smoke were each other's first and only's and have been married 20 years with kids.

I was where you were 9 months ago. Shocked. I was happily married. I loved being married and thought I had knocked it out of the park with my H. He provided well for our family and was good to me. We were regularly intimate and he was broken. I didn't know he was. He chose not to share that aspect with me. He was a master at compartmentalizing his life. I had NO idea. I was blindsided.

I too struggled with being told "I always loved you, I never wanted to tell you because I was afraid of losing you." WHAT THE HELL???

Eventually, through the help of a counselor, I learned that it wasn't about the sex. It was about him trying to fill his brokenness with attention from other women. He was broken and using A's to cope. Period. He now refers to it as dumpster diving. The women he had sex with were the one who were available. Simple as that. I see pictures of them and I am embarrassed for my H. Really???? THESE are the people you risked my marriage/family for????? It is the most mentally anguishing thing to try and make sense of the senseless. My H would sell everything he owns if it means he could buy a time machine and take back everything he did. I am most hurt because now I am a number and not the ONLY one anymore that he has had sex with. That hurts me very deeply. It is something I need to come to terms with still.

Everyone has given you amazing advice so I would listen to what they have to say.

I just wanted to let you know that R is possible under what seem to be absolutely horrific circumstances. If you would have asked me a year ago if I would have stayed in infidelity, I would say probably not. If you would have given me all the details from my H A's and asked if I would stay I would have said "Absolutely NOT!"

What I have learned over the past 9 months is R is possible. To be honest, I was very happily married 9 months ago....but today I am even happier married. That blows my mind to fathom.

I am SO mad and hurt still by what he did, but now as he takes ownership of his actions and has gotten counseling and is addressing his brokenness properly, he has a joy to him that I haven't seen in a long time.

As a WH he did all the right things (NC, complete transparency, never once blameshifted or rugswept but took complete ownership of his mistakes and allows me to scream, cry, do anything I need to do to vent.) I can see that he is 100% committed to our family again. There is a physical difference in him. I can't describe it. Getting out of that secret life and having it all laid out in the open has been very good for him. I am now the broken one but I know that I will use journaling any day of the week over having A's to fix myself.

Be prepared for the long haul. Months 1-2 were me being in shock. Months 3-6 were complete RAGE. He deserved to be divorced. Period. Months 7 - now is more mercy versus Justice. Justice would mean divorce. On days that I trigger and am angry I think he deserves divorce. On days that are good and I am somewhat happy, I want mercy for him. Because despite what he did, there is still a very viable and good man inside whom I want to forgive.

It is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days you will be doing fine and then all of a sudden you are triggered. No preparing for that. Should you decide to R, it is your wife's job to prove to you that she is safe. There is no timeline on when you should be over it. When something this traumatic happens, you have it with you for life.

Good luck Wallop.

The following was written by a married player explaining why he prefers married women. I was going to suggest that you print it and give to your wife. However, after what she heard on the phone she may not need it.

GrayWolf, that has to be one of the scariest things I have ever read. Wow, talk about evil.

I think Walloped's wife would get a lot of out reading that, if nothing else to drive home the point of how she completely fell for evil.

Walloped...your story mimics mine, brother. I just joined this site a couple days ago, although I learned of my wife's affair just over a year ago.

I asked the exact same questions as you. Where was this guy thru the births of our children. How about surgeries that were touch and go and I too had to make decisions while my wife was under anesthesia. Where was he during the hard times and the good times. Where was he even we bought our first house together. Oh well I know the answer to that one. Lurking inn the shadows having a relationship with my wife. The list goes on and on.

Being the betrayed partner, it's not your fault. Your going to blame yourself and find the most minute detail to reason as the cause of the affair. It.is.not.your.fault.

In time you'll recognize this. Right now you're looking for the reason and if she's not telling you what the reason is, you're going to try to figure it out yourself. Hell, even if she does tell you, she's been lying to you and why would you believe anything she has to say right now. You have to remember it wasn't your fault.

I was[/italic] also a happy, extrovert. Loved hanging with people and enjoyed life. Since finding out about both affairs I'm completely the opposite. And I hate it. That's why I joined this site. I want to move on. I want to stop thinking about the affair every single day. Yes, every day Since June 17, 2014 I've thought of it. I hope we both Find the answers or at least the coping help we're looking for.

Good luck. And unfortunately, welcome to the club none of us asked to be in.

Walloped, I want to say something else about one thing you said, that there is evil in the world and how bad people do bad things. And that you were trying to reconcile in your mind who your wife was.

It took me a long time to come to a spiritual--even religious--aspect of adultery. Forgive me in advance if I offend.

When it says in the Lord's Prayer, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" I've concluded that the reason those two parts are connected is because they are intertwined. In other words... If we succumb to temptation, we risk doing evil things. In fact, that's WHY we should avoid temptation--because it leads us to do evil things.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." One of the Ten Commandments, placed in importance right below murder--because it destroys marriages and families.

If I were the devil, and I wanted to wreak the most pain and suffering I could in the world, I'd tempt people to go down the path to commit adultery. Think about it--a BS experiences the worst pain ever known, the wayward spouse gets to act out of short-term gain with seemingly no regard for the trauma and pain he/she will inflict on others. Marriages and families are blown up, giving kids a life-long struggle with a family unit rent asunder... If I'm the devil, I'm pretty pleased with this outcome.

Another name for him, BTW? "The Great Deceiver" No accident when it comes to all the deceit and lying our spouses give us. That, by the way, is why this pain is WORSE than death--there is no deceit in death.

I read somewhere that adultery also harms the "soul" of the person committing the act. Think about that. What is our soul? What happens when we lose it? Do we become an agent, so to speak, of the Great Deceiver? Does he get our soul? Another benefit for him?

Perhaps this is why when someone is deeply enmeshed in evil, and the fantasy, "fog," and "feelings" are so blinding, they must be SHOCKED back (if they are to come back at all.) They are lost. Have they lost their soul, that part of us that animates us, makes us who we are, and guides us in right choices?

Maybe that's why my trying to "nice" my XWW wife back failed so abysmally... It wasn't strong enough medicine to counteract a soul lost to evil.

Forgive me, this is really disjointed... In my mind, there's a spiritual aspect of the question you asked, and I fear I've done a poor job of talking about it.

Blessings, LA

This has helped me, but I feel drained

Yup, like I said earlier pace yourself. You are moving through this at breakneck speed running on adreneline, high emotion and hypervigilince. It'll all catch with up you and take you out with exhaustion when you least expect it. Give yourself a break. Eat a big meal and take a nap. Breath deep and slow to control the anxiety. Don't forget to treat yourself along the way.

You have come a long way quickly. It would be unusual for her to be over OM this quick.

I strongly recommend exposure. Making her explain to the kids and P's will make this hit home and put the A into perspective.

Keep moving forward and healing yourself.

I would go ahead with the legal separation as required by your state.

It is critical you get control for yourself.

Always deal from strength.

She complained about me and he capitalized on that. She then sucked all that up and it reinforced her complaints. And he lavished attention on her. Told her she was beautiful. I said I do that all the time. Her response was that I have to. Like buying gifts on valentine’s day. It’s in the job description. But I don’t really mean it.

Walloped: I believe I remember having read this 'scene' previously in posts on SI. "Her response was that I have to. Like buying gifts.... It's in the job description. But I don't really mean it." Um, yeah.... just another justification waywards come up with. Nothing new or innovative about it. Again, that cheater's handbook thing. I think any of us can come up with ways to justify whatever we want. Whatever happened to just relying on morality and character and simply not engaging in bad behavior ?

You're doing so much right, W. And, lucky you to have such wise family members backing you up in this. (((( ))))

Whatever happened to just relying on morality and character and simply not engaging in bad behavior ?

Amen, LifeIsBroken, amen. I think when life tosses "challenges" at us, we find out, act, and strengthen who we really are.

I knew my XW had had struggles in her childhood. But what she kept secret is that she had bulimia for six years--before and during our courtship, and after we were married until we decided to have kids. (In fact, I surmise that the real reason she wanted to have kids so fast in our marriage is that she'd stop being bulimic.)

Her brokenness and deception played itself out with money, too--spending secretly beyond our means for a short-term high. Looking for love in all the wrong places... The ultimate deception was her long affair with another broken person, my "friend."

I believe that what happened to her moral compass is that she'd do anything except the hard work on her brokenness--because she was emotionally fragile in the first place. Easier in the short run, to dodge.

"Doing the right thing" usually means denying ourselves a short-term pleasure. Broken people struggle harder with that denial, because even temporary privation--though done with a eye to reaping a better, longer-term good--is more painful to them.

Blessings, LA

I just want to say how amazing I think you have been at handling this. I wish I would have had half the strength and foresight that you have shown, had I have I most likely wouldn't be here right now.

I highly suggest that if you have any free time that you go out and treat yourself to something special, something that you really enjoy that maybe you have not done in awhile. A night out with friends, movie, whatever it is that makes you alone happy.

I know you are in a fog right now and will be for a long time, take a break, a breather concentrate only on yourself. I think time apart is a wonderful idea and you should take advantage of it. Please don't stay alone to long I know from experience that is when the mind really starts daydreaming and at this time it will be daymares. This is a great time to take up boxing at a local gym. Better to box a bag than someone else, though OM face can always be imagined on bag. Just remember even at a gym, you break it you buy it.

I am really pulling for you and believe you are taking all the right steps. I truly hope whatever road you take R or D that you get the wonderful and rich life you deserve.

For me the best way to hammer in some calories were those protein drinks (muscle milk) that they sell in most gas stations.

Once I started eating better the world stopped shaking so much.

You are doing GREAT (I realize how fucking insane that sounds right now).

I agree that she's not over anything and not yet remorseful. The consequences are hammering the shit out of her and it's enough to ruin anyone, particularly someone who has developed the keen ability to lie to oneself, which I perceive her to be.

She may end up remorseful, she may not. She may fall into permanent pity party. Just know none of its on you to help her with. You'll be too busy dealing with the shit sandwich that she dropped on your lap. R or D isn't up to her anymore, R is a gift that you would decide if you wanted to offer her if it made sense in your life. If she, on her own, doesn't take those actions and become remorseful then R would be a waste of time anyways.

It's not something that you can push beyond doing exactly what you've been doing.

And always remember to treat her with respect. She may not be owed any respect, but in this journey remember that you would rather be the person giving respect than pleading for it. You have been, but I struggled with this, so to what extent that helps you, I hope that it does.

[This message edited by eric1 at 12:52 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

Walloped

I just spent the last hour reading your thread. You are so honest and straightforward. I know you started posting here out of desperation, but through your gift of writing you will help a lot of other people while receiving your own much needed help.

I have been where you are. I also lost my dad at a young age. My husbands infidelity hurt much worse. This is most likely the most painful experience you will ever go through. Having said that, no matter the outcome with your wife, you will survive and this will make you stronger. It doesn't seem like it now, but I promise you, it will. Surviving infidelity makes you pretty much invincible. Although you seen very strong already.

I read where you asked everyone to maybe take it easy on your wife and chuckled to myself. I remember being appalled that these people could say such things about my husband...he wasn't like the other cheaters...he had just made a mistake. Whatever. It seems you are getting a thicker skin and taking the hard advice without getting defensive. That is great. While what the other betrayed spouses have to say can hurt like hell, it's because it's true. We have lived it and it wouldn't do any good to sugar coat it to you.

Mainly I wanted to thank you for your honesty and give you a little pep talk. It seems overwhelming now and the pain is unbearable, but it gets better. I absolutely promise you it does. My mantra through my own hell was "one day at a time". Eventually, you will be able to relax again, go a few hours without thinking of the affair, and actually take a deep breathe without feeing anxiety. Others will vouche for that.