SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry about the situation.

Just read your rapidly evolving thread and the first thing that came to mind was, Boy, what luck! What would have happened if your brother hadn't seen your WW with POS. She was head over heels in love with him and I fear that in another 3 months, she would have left you to shack up with POS. Her A was of the most toxic variety, the "I love you's" were flying generously in both directions. I think you were very lucky that the A was discoved at that point. In many WW's A, the W does not say the "I love you" phrase and regards the sex as "just sex, nothing more". You wife's A was different.

It is evident that from now on, in your M, trust is gone forever. Your wife has had quite a schock in the week after D-Day and she seems remorseful, but you will always have to keep an eye open because you now know that she can be seduced.

I am praying hard for you two to remain together in the M as I think your wife is basically a good person who did a bad thing. Do not take any rush decisions as far as R or D is concerned.

Take good care of yourself, eat well, continue running and get as much sleep as possible.

Thanks for the update, I'm proud of you for how well you've been handling things.

Are you sleeping and eating enough? Please consider visiting your doctor to get sleeping aids (maybe herbal ones) to help you get enough rest. If you can't eat, smoothies, soups,..., and other liquid nuorishment are your friends. Please force yourself to eat enough.

If you'll get tempted to get drunk, make sure you have your bro over to take care of you!

Best of luck!

It can take months for some STDs to show up. With the POSOM being a player....3 affairs CAUGHT...has his own little loveshack away from his wife.....How many other prostitutes and skanks was he doing on the side, before and while doing your wife.

Even after she gets her 2nd STD test in a month or so. I would not have sex with her without a condom for at least after the 6 month STD test. Be sure they test for HPV and hepatitis too. Can take 3 mo for hepatitis to show up.

They talked about affairs damaging to the soul. The Bible says "People who practice such things shall not inherit the Kingdom of God." That verifies to me if someone, even if they "claim" Christian and are having an affair....if they were to be killed they would spend eternity in hell for their CHOICES.

My sister used to teach Sunday school to the children and then had an affair with a coworker for 18 months before she almost killed herself with an overdose. Now she says, "I can't feel God anymore". Ya think!

So glad you keep posting and updating us on how things are going with you and the WW.

WOW, the move to call the OBS was spot-on! I was cheering for you while reading that entire post. I do feel terrible for the OBS, though. I hope she chooses D and takes him to the cleaners--maybe he'll have to move to a smaller apartment

I feel your wife is in crisis mode at the moment, and knee-jerking it with her reactions/emotions. So, remember that while she's seemingly remorseful now, there may come a time in a month, a few weeks from now, she may settle down and start to grow tired of talking about the A, or dealing with your emotions later on. I'm proud of you for staying strong thus far, and not giving into her histrionics. My WH was in crisis mode during and shortly after DDay, where I felt like I had to comfort HIM to calm him down. Partly, this was because we were stuck in a room on a resort in Mexico together for an additional 4 days when it all went down, but I wish I would have had the energy to be more stoic and not as responsive to my WH's selfish moods.

Also, I sincerely hope you do print out the description of the Player and have her read it. Clearly, I don't know the OM in your situation personally, but from what the OBS said, I wouldn't be surprised if he was operating on a similar mindset. Your WW needs to understand, as you are now understanding, her A wasn't what we refer to here at SI as "a Special Snowflake" as she previously might have thought. Sadly, the same goes for us as BSs--none of us are SO special, and SO secure, our WSs could NEVER DO SUCH A THING to us!

It's a sobering realization to understand how mediocre and routine all of our situations with infidelity are, but that is reality. Here and there, you'll find an extreme example, but after only having been here since early May, I realize most of our stories have so many similar themes/underlying emotions, BS and WS alike. Sad.

Keep posting.

[This message edited by Briseis at 7:44 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

I become hyper productive, analyze, organize, and attack each issue methodically and systematically. This has helped me.

Understanding what was going on in your wife’s brain should also help someone like you. Dr. Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist. She has a 23 minute video entitled: Why we love why we cheat.

It nails down that a marriage the length of yours was at its normal stage. You did nothing wrong and the OM (POS) was not better than you in the sack or any other way. I would have your wife watch it too after getting back from her sister’s.

Just google Helen Fisher why we love why we cheat.

Walloped, its awesome that you have found an escape through physical exercise namely jogging because this is an healthy way to get by this stormy waters you're navigating. It's really easy to fall into downward spirals at this time. It's just like leader of the pack - a dog has to smell, a human has to do physical exercise, our original design had us running through the savannah for hours on end.

I believe you've made it through the worst, the night with more 'more's than you can handle, so you're already on the rise, although it might not feel like it. You have a way with words and your wife seems to be behaving with no hidden agenda, maybe your wishful thinking shone through, idk. The call made to the OBS fell through like a plan had been made, the punishment delivered to your wife at that time rightly adjusted, in my view. But you've already realized that the BS desire to punish the WS is toxic and has to be restrained otherwise the punishment will be something else, a deviation from justice, a path to self entitlement.

In a R situation you will be victim, prosecutor, jury, judge and executioner, that will be a heavy heavy burden to carry.

Not to mention how much more you'll be susceptible, you are now, to fall into temptation, one could say that, your heart, at this time is very vulnerable to fluctuations to say the least.

The why, the how, its all connected to the high lovers feel when infatuated for each other, anything goes, we have a saying here that goes like this:'if you want to know your girlfriend, marry her. if you want to know your wife, divorce her'.

I just hope POS was really the same person as the one you called, that would be f$@€d up, but you know it takes two to tango and its easy to overly place this on him, in the old days we would kill all coming foreigners.

The way I see it, you are handling this right. It seems you've also shielded your kids as much as you can at this time. Hell, Mrs. Walloped had me feeling sorry for her, and I wish you guys the best. And you, you keep running cause if you're opting to R, you're gonna need the extra stamina when the time comes for HB and to show her what the word 'more' is really about.

I was first to respond to you, Walloped, and am sorry to have been so out of pocket lately. So glad you put the Linda MacDonald book I recommended in her hands.

You're doing great. You're going through hell, so keep going!

Keep posting, man. Good luck.

great job on Sunday, Whalloped regarding the phone thing. You really handled everything very well to date. Keep up the good work.

Be prepared that she hasn't gotten over him yet, be prepared for her to breakdown when you discuss legal separation though I would explain to her that it is just protecting yourself and that it doesn't necessarily mean divorce.

Keep the path straight.

I agree with you. Sympathy, yes. Empathy no.

I am curious what happens to this other POS

See, my family is the most important thing to me, not my career. My wife. My kids. And I made a lot of sacrifices for them. Quick example. I went to one of the top 5 business schools in the country, some years ranked #1. However, I did not go into investment banking or consulting, purely so I wouldn’t have to work crazy hours or on the weekends. So I could build a family. I’m not saying this to boast or show how smart I am. My point is I had tremendous financial opportunities. I’m sure some of you know what Goldman offers as a pay package. When I graduated, getting a job from them or Morgan Stanley, Merrill, McKinsey, BCG, or another top tier bank or consulting firm was easy. I mean easy. I turned it down. So I could be home with them. And look where it got me. I failed.

Not sure this helps, but guess what: you're not alone. I can say all of these things (my top 5 school was on the west coast, I suspect I could guess yours.)

It goes to two important truths:

1. This didn't have jack shit to do with you. Millions (literally, millions) of loving women would love to be with you. That she felt the need to betray you had nothing whatsoever to do with you.

2. You didn't fail. You did all the right things, and given the cards you were dealt, you got the best possible outcome. If there was a failure, it was in choice of a spouse, but I guess what I'd say to that is, welcome to the party, pal.

Stay strong, for yourself and your kids. You'll get to to a great place when all is said and done, whatever happens to your M.

Walloped. I know that feeling of failure, I had it too.

get out of that mind set.

I applaud you on exposure to the OM's wife, yep cheaters lie, he sounds like a real POS.

he probably has another women lined up or will soon.

try and get some more ammo on him because he is going to try and contact your wife again.

He is not even afraid of you, he probably has never been confronted.

I am not saying you should confront him, but it wouldn't hurt to blow his world up some more (legally).

[This message edited by convert at 1:15 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

Re read the 180. Use it to rebuild/recreate you. Her? Right now, not your focus, nor, concern.

When you're told you're doing well, it's that you actually listen and implement what you find here. So few actually do because, you know, they're different.

I am truly sorry you've joined us. You're a he'll of a good man. Continue to follow your moral compass. It's a great guide.

BTW, I'm 3 years into R. I've also D'd and had 3 other LTR's. All with infidelity on the female side of the equation.

Wish I'd had this site the first 4 times.

Strength

Hi- I just read through your thread. You had me at your first post. Suffice it to say that there are so many parallels and I remember having so many of the same emotions and questions. I am a BW- but my H and I also married early, had a great marriage, loved and complimented each other all the time and were told often to "get a room" we were like teenagers for 15 years. I also lost my father in my twenties and I also connected the pain of my husbands A to the grief I felt/feel over the loss of my father.

I am only posting because I have been reading- and I wanted to let you know that I'm here- I was beginning to feel a little "lurky".

As I continued reading- I have to say that your WWs actions and the situations you have described are also so reminiscent of me and my FWH. It's almost like reading and thinking "I remember that conversation! I had that conversation!"

I didn't find SI until about one month out. And to this day I wish I had found it sooner. It wasn't until I found SI that I truly saw how I mishandled so much from the get go. And based on advice here? I discovered that my truly remorseful spouse that I had agreed to "forgive" and move on with, had been in contact with the OW for over a month after he agreed NC. SI gave me the strength to deal with it the right way.

He and are are well into recovery- at two years out, the pain is still here, though dull and more ghostly most of the time. Some trust is back- though never ever at 100% - and it varies day by day. I think of the A Everyday- though with less anger. I am hopeful- we laugh and we share and we are Moving forward day by day. But it is part of us now and we will never again be who we were. I will never again think of him like I used to. And that is so sad for both of us. We have teen kids (they are awesome) and they were the glue that really kept me here so many times when it got really rough. Maybe things will look different when they are independent. See? Two years out and I STILL don't know what I'll end up doing. One day at a time.

I share this because your situation sounds similar- my H had to do A LOT of work and he fell down a bit along the way. it had been hard, but for now we are doing well.

You are doing well- truly- and your posts are helpful for many in so many different ways.

Thank you for sharing your journey. It is not over by a long shot. SI saved me. Truly. And it still does from time to time.

We are very glad you found us. I wish you strength and peace.

Walloped,

I get where you are coming from. You are responsible for parts of the failure in your marriage, just not the A.

I don't think anyone is trying to suggest you're feeling great just that you are making all the right decisions...even if it doesn't feel that way.

Sorry man it will be a long time before you feel okay. Hopefully your next step will be numbness. That was a relief to me compared to the constant unrelenting bipolar turmoil.

When we invest our entire lives into our marriage and kids and then something like this happens it shakes our very foundation. It does not only ruin and make us question every part of our marriage it also makes us dissect ourselves. It is not a pretty or fun process it is brutal, lengthy and exhausting.

As far as the notion of would she still be doing it if your brother hadn't seen her, we all know the answer to that it really has no bearing on the situation outside of gauging her actual remorse. Is it remorse of getting caught or remorse for doing it all together. That is hard to solve and I am sure you will sway back and forth on it. It sounds to me like she has a least a bit of remorse that it happened in the first place.

One thing that I have found on this site so far is the lack of betrayed people who found out because their spouse told them. That shows remorse not stopping because you were caught.

I have been on both sides of the situation before my husband and I were married I was the betrayer. I had a one night A that he would never have found out about had I not woken up sick with guilt, disgust along with self hatred. I told him that night what I had done. I am not saying I am proud of myself or that deserve some kind of metal. I am just saying I was truly remorseful without being caught.

It took awhile but eventually we were okay and we set ground rules before we were married, his biggest fear obviously was infidelity. Well I guess it was a one sided rule as I am a two time loser with him (that I know of.)

Your sacrifices in work are not in vain regardless of your wife's actions. You have set a very good example for your children that family comes first no matter what. They see that sadly your wife's example is a lot less exemplary hopefully if you two R then you both will find a way to shield the children as they are truly the innocent victims of her Affair.

I think you taking the day off is a great idea, I stress yet again don't be alone! Your head will run wild. Go out with a friend or do something with the kids. Please do not just sit in the house alone. I may be wrong and someone else might chime in that they did get comfort by be alone to process the affair for me those were the most nightmarish unproductive times. My husband is away at work out of state all the time and when the kids were at school or friends I would lose it. Poor kids thought I had the worst case of allergies ever.

I also sacrificed a lot for our marriage, I had been accepted into the Peace Corps, chose to marry him instead. The last thing I wanted was to be a stay at home wife, his eldest daughter 8 at the time was not wanted by his ex so I said I would stay with her while he got over the road experience. Then both of my other step kids moved in and our two children followed only a year apart from each other. It was sealed I was a stay at home mother of five. I never let myself wallow in it as he was sacrificing by loosing time with the family and away from home so much. The A's have made me resentful towards him for the many opportunities that I passed up. Yet they were my decisions so the blame rests on me for making them. Again they were sacrifices not only for him but for my children so all has not been lost.

Sorry I truly did not set out to make this post about me as much to stress what you already know from others on here...you are not alone you are now part of a not very exclusive crappy club. Just be good to you and let the slow healing begin.

Hi walloped - first post on your thread. I'm so sorry for your pain. You've handled yourself well. You listened to all the advice these wise men and women offered and executed a plan. Don't think this is any small thing. Many choose to remain in their own fog and ignore such well-informed advice.

So I have no new or different advice - but while still early, I want to say that reconciliation is possible. As painful as infidelity has been - my marriage is much healthier and I am happier now than I was pre-A. Don't get me wrong - my marriage is not better because of my H's betrayal - it's better because of the hard work we invested to repair it.

I think your wife is remorseful. I see a lot of my fwh in your wife's actions post Dday. Ultimately, it's always your decision - often, infidelity is a deal breaker. And that's your right. But I never would've thought I could be this happy. It's messed up - because I'm still an emotional wreck 3 years later - but I am glad I chose to try again with my husband. I want you to know that if your wife does her part to become a healthy partner - a fulfilling marriage is still possible. I know it seems impossible to even consider that - but it's true.

Your story is heart breaking - but I'm sad for your wife as well. People have mentioned swat77 in your post - your wife reminds me of sosorry - his ww. I hope your wife countinues to "get it" and she can be a part of your healing. She sounds remorseful in your posts and remorse, honesty and transparency are the greatest indicators of successful reconciliation.

Whallup -

The fact that you realize your marriage is over is proof positive that you are proceeding as you should. The people who fail at this are the ones who NEVER realize that and instead of doing what is right, they try to redefine their world in order to allow them to cling to the comfortable, succumb to sunk cost fallacy or just because they're non-confrontational types.

You are not.

Your marriage over over. You know this.

Proceed to heal YOU. There is literally nothing you can do for your cheating wife at this point, she's getting hit with consequences that she more than created. You are getting his with the worst consequences known to man, outside of losing a child.

You need to concentrate on healing up, you need to go outside and run, you need to take positive action to keep the ball rolling on STD tests, lawyers, protecting yourself financially, figuring out what the fuck to do with the kids, etc. One you are done these things you WILL be in a different place. Go back and read ICO's thread. In this different place you will realize one of two things:

1. My marriage is over, and she made me fall out of love with her (or it's too painful to try to love her may be a better way to put it)

2. I know deep down that I can forgive her and our marriage can be as strong as it was.

I'm not a R or D inclined person, but I WILL note that the people who fail at this usually pick #2 blind faith. Check out Roommate's thread as a compromise middle ground that makes her shoulder (rightly so) the disproportionate amount of risk.

So the stage you are at right now you find shit flying all over the place. I felt as if bees were buzzing around my head, and the more I swatted the more they buzzed. What you need to do is go dunk your head in a cold swimming pool. I ended up trying Crossfit and it beat the crap out of me, which was an awesome reset during the day.

You said that you were a project person at work, think of this as a milestone meeting. Milestone meetings are good to make sure everyone is working with full knowlege of what's going on, but why they're really useful is this is where you take a deep breath and make sure everything is converging to a common goal. You have too many balls in the air and this stress is adding onto it.

Ask your SIL to keep No Contact going as long as possible. Please ask your SIL to ask your wife that you were asking if she's tried to contact her boyfriend. Unfortunately she may be at this point (it will start out as anger and likely turn into something else)

Ask your brother to stop by to help you make lists of shit for you to do and think about. Write it down here if you want

Read what people say here but take it as a group therapy session and not an action item list. Write down what we say and do what's right for you, do not try to do everything at once. Linear progression. It's GANTT time.

YOU ARE AT THE STAGE WHERE YOU WILL FEEL WORST. YOU FEEL WORST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL AND ARE STILL IN SHOCK. YOUR GOAL IS TO REGAIN CONTROL (YOU ARE) AND GET YOURSELF OUT OF SHOCK (YOU ARE TRYING).

I'll be back in NY in two weeks. I'll meet you for beers and you can kick me solidly in the nuts if you do not feel more in control in two weeks.

Your marriage IS over walloped - the original marriage - it's your choice whether it's worth rebuilding.

I understand the sacrifice work wise. That's why I always get angry when I hear that someone cheated because of 'distance' and 'work hours'. So if a SAHM/D who's kids are older have so much time on their hands and are willing to take in the rewards of the BH/BW's work, then the least they can do is be loyal.

I am glad that there were immediate consequences for your wife. If she continued to lie to you, I am sure D papers would be in her hand. Her in mourning is a good thing now. It's a consequence.

Hi, Walloped,

In addition to everyone else's advice, I just want to reiterate that when we say you are doing well, it's not that you FEEL well right now. This shattering, life-altering, shock and trauma is unlike any other, and your life will be forever different because it. That you are moving forward well and doing the right things--in the face of such trauma--says that you are choosing a future life built on integrity, character, and honor. That's a wonderfully good thing--it's the foundation of your new life.

I bequeath you a repost from Forged1 in the Betrayed Menz forum (which I invite you also to peruse, as well; I found it invaluable), who describes so well the trauma of infidelity--as well as well as the subsequent hurdles and choice(s) we make at the time of crisis.

Here's the thing about infidelity and healing after it. It's incredibly difficult to 'hear' this when it's happening, but it's true nonetheless.

Infidelity isn't 'merely' a betrayal. It's an assault on your identity.

When things explode on Dday, you're all over the place. Whether it's suspicions becoming reality or a sudden catastrophic revelation, your identity shatters. On the spot.

Co-dependency gets fired around this site quite a lot, and I don't doubt that it plays quite a significant role in many cases, but it's also important to realize and appreciate just what's actually happening to you when you learn just what's actually been happening.

We have, for however long, defined ourselves as a spouse or committed partner. We have not necessarily subsumed our sense of self in so doing; we have instead made that part of who we are. We have committed. We have made that choice. We have chosen to make that part of the fundamental truth of our very existence.

On Dday, that shatters. Explodes. Vaporizes. And any number of other words describing some sort of destruction. A particular part of the universe suddenly enters a state of unbeing. Forget the WS (wayward spouse) - we are not who and what we thought we were.

Up is down. Right is left. Black is white. The sun is rain, and snow is flame. The universe, and our place in it, is changing.

On Dday, you're not 'trying to save the relationship'. You're trying to save a piece of yourself. And....you can't.

The world is never going to be the same after that. The relationship certainly isn't, whether you stay or go, R or don't. Whether your spouse is in front of you, broken by shame and guilt and remorse, or whether they shrug and essentially flip you the bird before waltzing out the door, that part of your identity is gone, broken and smashed to pieces.

You don't know who you are anymore. How could you, after something like that?

Surviving infidelity isn't about 'healing a relationship'. Surviving infidelity is about reconstructing your identity in the aftermath of the world suddenly tilting on its axis. It is in the aftermath of that destruction that you begin to realize and appreciate who you are. It is only by letting go that you can hold on, and I don't mean hold on to the relationship - I mean hold on to yourself.

You can call it a journey, or a voyage or a trail or whatever... Whatever works for you. Infidelity is a crucible. It will take everything you know about yourself and melt it down. You can stay molten forever, or you can use the energy to hammer yourself into something else, something that's beautiful, and lethal and fucking unbreakable.

Your true self.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 5:56 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

(I'm not a BS, WS, or OP, just a BC and mods corrected me for posting. Sorry!)

[This message edited by JustLearning at 4:45 PM, September 27th (Sunday)]