SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think in her mind she does love me, regardless of what she did.

She loved you enough to go off and fuck another guy repeatedly. I don't want any of that love.

She may have been manipulating me, but not intentionally.

She is manipulating you. Intentionally.

She is protecting herself and the OM. Bank on that.

She may be scared. You are her livelihood. But she will continue the affair if you give her an inch.

Edit: sorry about the 2x4s, but they are the ONLY thing that worked on me.

[This message edited by ICanOvercome at 3:33 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

Thanks for the reply. I understand, it's a very good strategy to be ultimately able to approach things in a calmer fashion.

Oh, just make sure you have your computer on lockdown, so she can't stumble upon this page in your browser history. I fear it would break her, not to mention you losing your safe spot to post.

Ask her sister to google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Let her sister read it and see if it applies to them/your wife, considering their childhood. After that, let the sister be the judge when to talk to your wife about reading it (it was extremely hard, though ultimately very helpful, for me to read it).

Keep talking to us, we're here for you. And tell your brother and both sisters-in-law that they're amazing!

Remember, you WILL BECOME STRONG AND HAPPY AGAIN, with or without her.

Best wishes

So far you are doing very well navigating your way out of infidelity.

Your wife is showing the beginning of remorse (probably). That's huge. Alot never get this. Many wind up playing the pick me dance and the ws gets a massive ego stroke along the way.

Be careful though. I've seen many back off at this point and the ws later goes underground wih the affair.

Monitor. Actions over words.

ICO is completely correct. She may love what you represent (happy times, stability, security), but she does not love you.

That's not to say that she'll never love you again, but that's on her. Not you

P.S.: I don't think your WW has any intention of continuing her affair. I think she's beginning to realize how immensely she f-ed up and how immensely she IS f-ed up. If I had to, I'd bet she's becoming remorseful (so I don't worry about false DV charges anymore etc.). I worry, however, about her having a mental breakdown and attemtping suicide. Sadly, you must first save yourself, so that's why I'm glad you'll contact her sister with concerns. It's unfair that even in this biggest betrayal you "have to" do something to help her, but it is what it is. Men of integrity like you are often faced with unfairness.

So I'd recommend you and your wife take a little hiatus, she goes to her sister and you can communicate via phone, emails, maybe meet in a public place to talk etc. But give each other space to recover a bit physically&mentally.

It's a long road ahead to healing, whether together or alone. Make sure you get plenty of rest and don't run yourself into the ground.

Best of luck

Good Work Walloped.

You probably feel like you did a boot camp this weekend with Tony Robbins.

And great job investigating the POSOM and his battered spouse.

You did the right thing calling her. Maybe your attorney can finish him off for you with a letter.

I originally said your wife got used/played. She needed to be on that call.

And again it is her selfishness that caused her to make these terrible decisions.

That is not to say she will not be fully remorseful. It takes time. Her head has to come out of fantasy land. And it sounds like she is on her way.

I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do regarding my marriage. I don’t want to at this point.

This too is good. Because you are on the rollercoaster ride at this time. Wait until the emotions settle. Wait until the mind movies die.

Wait until your wayward wife really hates herself. Its coming.

And then she is really going to need you. Only then can you decide just how much love is left for her.

And that is the true test!

That decision is solely yours. Believe it.

You have all the time in the world, don't rush it.

And I will second that your SIL's are awesome and so is your little brother. Great family.

Hopefully your wife will earn her spot back into the gang.

Time will tell.

Drink plenty of fluids please.

HM

Actually, I think this DOES sound like remorse. Which does not mean to let down your guard or change your tactics....but I do think she's remorseful.

From what you described, it does seem like your WW has really realized what she did. She came clean - didn't hem and haw. You've gotten a lot more "sorry" (remorse) than a lot of us did. In that regard, you are lucky (yeah - I know), but a least it looks like you have a chance to R.

My rule of thumb is: If you don't see the WW breaking down, realizing what they've done (basically, what your WW has done) within a month of DDay, then they never will.

The question is will the remorse continue, or will she just say sorry and move on. That's up to her to work on in IC.

The question for you however, will come down to - Do YOU want to forgive her?

Some people can't, even with a really remorseful spouse (See: SpaceGhost, SWAT77 threads).

I wouldn't worry about a VAR at this point. And you've gotten the majority of the details, and it sounds like your WW will give you more, so a poly can be knocked off the list as well. But do see a lawyer, if for no other reason that to know what your options/rights are.

One thing I want to mention: You've said you check her phone for calls/texts - check the phone records with the cell company. It's easy to delete calls/texts.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

Walloped, it sounds like you are getting the start of remorse from your WW. She said she would try to make things right whether you choose R or D, and she told her sister that instead of you so not trying to manipulate you with the statement. She listened on that call to the OBS and now heard it herself how she got played and that she isn't "special" but OW#3. So far she seems to want to be vulnerable to you and take in your pain. Let's see how far that will go.

Look, you've accomplished more in this weekend than most of us could accomplish in a few weeks at best. Pace yourself. Watch her actions and see if she follows through on your requirements. Next good and big thing to watch is her being proactive about dealing with the aftermath.

Oh, and definitely call AP a POS if you want. We've even taken it further and called them POSOM.

Whallup,

If the name of the city starts with a G lemme know. I'm there two weeks a month.

I'm also in NY frequently and would be happy to meet up for a beer.

Hey there Walloped. Been catching up on your thread here and so sorry you are going through this. You continue to move forward out of infidelity and are showing your WW consequences for her actions.

A couple of more things that you can do to continue to moving out of infidelity.

New York state takes longer regarding separation and divorce. I know the procedure as my parents live in NY and I grew up there. You have to go through 6 months of legal separation first and then go through the divorce process. SWAT77 also had to go through that process and was legally separated before he could get a divorce several months after that. Do yourself a favor. File for legal separation when you go for your consult. It's a 6 months process before you go through to divorce. This process can be stopped at any time including the D process afterwards.

You don't know what you want right now and that is understandable. By getting the ball rolling, if you do want D, when the time comes you will be that much closer to getting the D process going. If you want to R, well then you can either drag your feet before moving to the D process and remain in legal separation status (my father stayed legally separated for 3 years in NYS with his last wife and would not file for D).

Normally I would say that by going the route of separation you should be preparing for D. Except in NY where the process is already so long. But maybe you can see what D would look like while being legally separated as well which could also push you one way or the other.

Also... Betrayed child here. I was younger that your kids when I found out about my mother's A and had to expose it to my father. I was 16yo. Where you have 1 that is married and the second out of the house in college, you may want to consider letting them know. No rush obviously BUT this is still a family matter and the family unit takes a hit. Your WW didn't just cheat on you. She cheated on the family. Your kids are of age where this could be a valuable life lesson that is taught to them. I'm planning on having those conversations with my own kids when they are old enough. It's not something you do as revenge or try to have your kids take your side over hers. It is a family matter and they should know that the dynamics will be forever changed in their FOO (family of origin) household. You can also include them in up coming conversations and let them know what you are thinking regarding S, D, or even R. But like the OBS, your kids have that same right to know. Speaking as one myself.

It blows my mind that these 2 worked with kids organizations when they volunteered. They could not see the consequences of their actions when having kids like that in their faces? Abhorrent behavior indeed.

Hang in there Walloped. Strength and courage to you. Keep moving forward out of infidelity and continue to show your WW consequences for her actions.

yop

Walloped: again, the tears just flowed when I read your posts from today.

The classic predictability of the situation, but with the feeling of your individual PAIN, is overwhelming.

You are riding this tidal wave with dignity.

Sending you strength.

Walloped I have nothing but respect for how you have handled things. However in your case I would file for divorce. I have no doubt she is remorseful now but I think you're the kind of guy who wouldn't be able to look himself in the mirror unless you drew the marriage to a close in order to regain some self respect. You can make sure all the financials are sorted to eliminate the possibility (probably small, but still there) that she's staying purely for domestic arrangements. That way if she chooses to persue you post divorce then you know it is purely for emotional reasons.

By her one actions she has set herself back to square one, if she wants to be with you, then she can compete with you with other women, ones who haven't betrayed you.

I should imagine you have zero interest at this point in future romantic entanglements but she sure as hell doesn't need to know that.

your thread made me cry.....BUT I THANK YOU cause it made me free my emotions.

I also had, in my mind, a perfect marriege. You found out, i caught her red handed.... no comming back for me.

my almost ex is doing what yours is...pleding, crying etc.

i wish you the best.

Walloped,

Your thread really struck a note with me because of all the similarities

(1) stay at home empty nest wife

(2) no marital strife or obvious issues

(3) wife goes to volunteer for something to do, in my case with my encouragement

(4) results in infidelity

(5) both lucky as hell to catch it. i caught it by simply opening her car trunk to unload groceries and finding books on open marriage. You were even luckier in a city of 10 million people she is seen by your relative I think

(6) I too put her on the phone with OM wife of one of them

Pretty similar, but some differences. My wife fucked total of three guys from Ashley Madison, no real feelings, threw them under the bus immediately. no "i love you's", no breaking NC, no "fog". So on that one i think I was 'luckier" than you and I use that word loosely.

You have done an unbelievable job of sorting through this shit in one week, and sure as hell can write it out more eloquently than me.

But your wife was really emotionally involved with this OM, and i am in agreement with those that while i believe you are seeing some remorse, a lot of it is still regret she got caught and is facing some consequences she did not bargain for. I believe your firmness and not begging made a BIG difference and that if you had been totally frozen in denial like so many that appear here, that you would have had a much more difficult time getting her to agree to stop. She knew early on you were not fucking around and i hope those reading this that have not been able to act like you did can learn a lesson from you.

The one thing I strongly recommend is that you do not let her obvious demolished state cause you to forget she took 21 minutes to say good bye 9 and i don't buy it was all him. She wanted to talk to him). My wife's N communication took 3 minutes and two to three sentences. And then she answered phone calls.

My point being, no one likes to snoop, and no one can do it forever. But what i think you should do at a minimum if you decide to stay is tell her she will be taking a polygraph, and maybe more than one, and that if she lies about NC or fails anything she is done. I did that and it helped me, and my wife actually embraced the opportunity to "prove" herself.

I don't think separations are a great idea, especially if this POS as you call him is probably doing anything he can to find her again. I know you know that just quitting those organizations she was volunteering at is not the magic bullet. Any of her friends she made there can put him in touch with her if they are still in contact with her. And for all you know, some of them may have known what was going on and were encouraging her. So i think all of them have to go also.

You have a handle on it all and have meticulously attacked this shitstorm.

good luck to you.