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Walloped,

Man I know it feels like your getting kicked in the nuts everyday, but you are doing the right things.

Remember in Apollo 13 when the control room is going nuts and Ed Harris says, "everybody calm down. Work the Problem"

That's what you are doing. Working the problem. Your weekend plan is solid. Get more info. Lay down some initial ground rules. You are spot on with that. Your analytical skill set is a great asset right now. But just be aware that that analytical mind can have a hard time shutting down, and can go down dark roads. I am the same way. And this is where those mind movies can get intense. You lay there in bed, thinking about what they did, what was said about you. Then the adrenaline starts pumping and it goes on until you are exhausted in a heap of tears. I get it. Been there. The not knowing is usually way worse than knowing. That is where the polygraph can help.

But you do not have to jump to that any time soon. There is no clock running on your situation. Take your time. Digest each moment. No one is going to knock on your door with a big trophy and novelty sized foam check if you figure this whole thing out in one weekend.

Take care of yourself. Eat, get a little sun, sip some iced tea. Everybody here is pulling for you.

have your wife file a restraining order or protective order against her AP so that he won't contact her. make her do it.

Your analytical skill set is a great asset right now. But just be aware that that analytical mind can have a hard time shutting down, and can go down dark roads.

Yeah man I second this to the max. Don't try to figure it all out in ur own head...it makes u crazy. Just react to what you see, hear, etc. Speculation is no bueno right now

"Triage" means:

the determination of priorities for action in an emergency.

This is fundamental at this point in your healing. You are the head of your household and the love of your life has betrayed you. You are analytical by nature. You carry alot of responsibility in your career. So Triage becomes extremely important.

Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a process. You will go through stages. In the beginning you must allow yourself to operate at less capacity than you normally do in order to process through the initial trauma. You may experience disruption in sleep, anxiety, fear, loss of appetite, irritability, inconsolable bouts of grief and despair, flashbacks to marital history, mental movies of the affair, excessive obsessing, triggers and hyper-vigilance. So address it by understanding that everything you are experiencing is a normal progression of healing through this shit show that infidelity brings. Healing is painful but it is also powerful. Self love is the anchor.

You will be tested like never before but you will learn more about yourself than ever before also. This is why being kind to yourself and self love anchors and grounds you.

IC will be helpful for you in identifying very effective coping strategies for the roller coaster of emotions and can help you in breaking the problems down into manageable pieces. One day at a time. One lead foot in front of the other.

You have a remorseful spouse. You have made smart choices initially and the guys on SI have chimed in and will offer you tremendous support and knowledge on how to navigate through this whether you want to R or D down the road.

Self care is extremely important. Nurturing self love. And having absolute faith that every awful emotion will come and go and will pass .. cry, take care of yourself mentally and physically. Release the emotions in a healthy way and don't grip on to them.

You are not alone. You are 100% heard and understood. When things get overwhelming .. put yourself into your present moment as much as possible .. go into a safe comforting place .. and be kind to yourself.

I read your posts and I teared up. My heart went out to you. Read up on the stages of grief (it helped me to understand that everything is temporary and my god that helped on those rough nights).

((HUGS))

[This message edited by reddawn212 at 11:11 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

Walloped: First, I am sorry you are here. You appear to be a really good guy and, like the rest of us on SI, you didn't deserve this.

Second, the mind movies: It's very likely you are 'seeing' things as far more involved sexually than the reality. You and your W have sexual history and experience that developed over the course of 20-plus yrs. NO WAY your W and the a$$ had that kind of experience and no way was it that enjoyable for her. I'm thinking she was more turned on by the flattery and attention than the sex.

Third: Your W owes her parents the truth. She should be the one to tell them. And, if anyone tells your children, she should be the one to do that. Considering your circumstances, that you have a good chance at R if your W does the work, you may not want to tell them at all UNLESS THEY ASK. If they ask, again, she's the one who tells them. SHE needs to own what SHE did. One thing for sure, if it comes to that, your children will never see their mother in the same light. Ever. And that's not your problem. It's totally hers.

Fourth: The swearing ? Some 'occasions' simply command certain words. There are no nice words to describe an affair or a cheater or the situation you're in. No apologies necessary to anyone. I swore more and cried more than I would ever have thought possible. Both are understandable.

I've been where you're at. Unable to think, unable to function. Sadly, it comes with the territory. Your WW needs to give you ALL the information the first time around. You would think a 2nd D-Day or a 3rd - or a 10th, for that matter - wouldn't hurt as much as the first one. Trust me: it does. And she needs to understand that.

If you read Not Just Friends, you will read early on that affairs happen in good marriages all the time. It's mind-boggling that could happen but it does simply because one spouse makes a really selfish choice to step through that affair door.

Take care of you. There IS survival of this crap storm. (((( ))))

Walloped, I have learned a lot about cheating. Many wives who cheated are angry or resentful STILL even after being caught, even when facing at possibility of divorce. Your wife is saying all the things that a cheating wife wants to save the marriage. She is not doing the right thing yet, but she will, but you will have to guide her. She is too afraid to lose you, so she will wind up doing things that will make it worse. She already has a little. And you are going to sabotage this thing, too, if you don't start getting a grip. You say you are Mr. Calm-Under-Pressure at work, you've got to use that control at home.

I see a lot in your situation with mine. Even live in your neck of the woods.

You are a smart guy, so I think you will be able to understand this. Just about everybody posting here has been through this stuff already, very similar to what you've done, and most of these guys are just as smart or even smarter than you are. My impression is that they know what they are doing, so don't think you are dealing with a bunch of internet yahoos who are bitter, jaded, extreme depressives. They've seen the worst of it, much worse than you've seen, and they are trying to pay if forward for what others have done for them. If you allow them to listen to them, they will have your back and they will show you around the pitfalls.

A short lesson on cheating: It is a human behavior. Like all human behavior, there is part of it that is science and part that is act. Cheating behavior is fairly predictable. The behavior is not uniformly exactly same, but rather there are different types with different behaviors for each type, with some behaviors that are common for all types. If you post on the threads on this forum, you will find these same patterns and behaviors over and over and over and over again. These cheaters may be special unique people, but their cheating behaviors are not at all unique. If you believe "NOT ME, MY WIFE IS DIFFERENT" you are going to find out differently.

Your wife loves you and wants to repent. But she is lying. She is minimizing. She is giving you the trickle truth, telling you a bit of truth at a time. The essential thing about cheating is deceiving and lying. Your wife has been a liar for three months AT LEAST. The sex started three months ago. The "I love yous" started much longer than that, maybe 3-6 months earlier or more.

Yes, your wife was "IN LOVE" with the other man. Why do you think the other man is so "over in heels" over your wife, calling her 14 times to her once? Do you think this 40-plus something guy who is semi-retired a dupe? Do you think this other man who owns million-dollar real estate on the Upper East Side or Upper West Side, do you think he fell so hard because despite your wife was being hesitant? No, your wife was full steam ahead, maybe not initially, not when before she had sex, but definitely she was as hot and heavy for him when the sex started. Why do you think it took 21 minutes to tell other man not to ever talk to him ever again? Why did it take your wife to talk to him 14 straight times for 2 minutes? Why didn't your wife after about 5 calls, just not take the call? She kept talking to other man because she is "in love" with him. Deep feelings. Do you think your wife would have sex with other man on a whim?

What happened to your wife with the other man is that your wife was resentful of you being at work too long and then too much to decompress at home. How I see it, your wife and other man discussed about the wedding, you know how that consumes your whole life while that is in the process. Your wife looked at you, then she looked at other man, and she told other man, "I wish my husband could be like you!" She told other man, "My husband never has time for me, he is not as successful as you, so we have some money, but not like you, and we have to work hard to maintain our lifestyle, and you have done so well for yourself." She told other man, "My husband doesn't care about the wedding, my daughter and I are stressed out, and he doesn't help us at all. I wish my husband was like you." Your wife fed the lines, and that SNAKE used it. This guy probably was a wheeler-dealer at his real estate, and that is a tough racket in Manhattan, he was able to size up your wife, knew exactly what to say. But what is the lie from your wife is the minimization - she jumped right in with both feet and never stopped until you caught her. This is how I see it.

Why do I know she was "in love" with other man? Because your wife was so BRAZEN holding hands walking down the street. The Upper East Side is a neighborhood, there are several little neighborhoods, so are the Upper West Side, so it is not like big bad NYC who nobody knows you, it is the same people walking their dogs, going for a jog at the reservoir, going to the Guggenheim or the Met or MOMA. All of those volunteers from her charity most likely would have spotted them, just like your brother did.

Every cheater lies when first caught, all will hold back, hesitantly, minimize their culpability, not tell you all details (trickle truth), and will calculate using Cheater Math. Cheater Math is where you tell your wife she had sex with other man about 2-3 times, and she really had sex with him 2-3 times A WEEK, so about 30 times. Cheater Math is where she says the affair started about 3 months ago, and when you find out the details from the messages, it actually started in October, with wife somehow now thinking that from October to August is "about" three months. I have never read or heard of a cheater who came clean right off the bat, even when the cheater confessed on her own. Even when confessed, I have never found they told the full truth right away. She was having sex, but the holding hands was open for anyone to see, and she didn't care, she was "I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!!"

She knows she has to end the affair, but she is hoping she will be able to keep him "as a friend," she may already have told you when you confronted her that "he is just a friend." JUST A FRIEND is one of those universal things a cheater says.

The number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. She has been busted, so she will be careful, it will be hard for you to find out if she continues. The number two sign of cheating is her behavior. I sense that her behavior is she is NOT cheating. But she has a deep connection to this other man, so she is not yet out of the woods.

I suspect she is not "in love" with you; for you, she feels "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY). She is "in love" (or at least thought she was at the time) of other man. She has a deep connection to you, too, even though I think her romance/sexual side is all on him right now.

When you deal with your wife, pay attention to her ACTIONS. You can listen to her words, but if there is a conflict between words vs. actions, always pay attention to the actions. Cheaters are good liars, plus betrayed spouses can be too wishful for their own goods when the cheaters spin their web of lies.

Oh man, This one was soooo hard for me to read. I know the shock you feel. It is like someone has taken the air out of your lungs, put your heart in a vice and is squeezing the very trust and faith you ever had right out of you. You have already gotten great advice, I wish I had known about this the first time. Now I am finding there is another time and maybe there always has been other women. Try and keep a cool head. I didn't and I played my cards to soon and now I am having to be a conniving bitch and am tapping his phone and driving myself nuts to get the information I already know is there. They will lie, downplay, cry and beg but if you let them they will turn the tables on you. I actually stopped asking questions because my husband said it was making it worse and he didn't want to hurt me. lol I made it all so easy for him. Do Not do the same. Great advice on here I truly hope you never have a round two.

Walloped,

Please print wk55hn's post out and stick it on the wall in your basement and your office. This is your lifeline as of now.

What I would like to add is the fact that I read lots of stories of these intense relations, where men put women on pedestals. The 'love' is the driving force in their relationship, bigger than life itself, unique, pure etc etc.

Yet the reality is: she cheated.

I think the most painful, difficult, embarrassing and humiliating thing is to accept that your outlook of your life wasn't correct, it wasn't realistic. It was an illusion. You were totally, utterly and completely blindsided by something that you never thought possible in your perfect world. Total confusion.

What I would encourage you is to do is to accept that your view of life was based on an illusion and to take a more realistic view at your life. You are as of now Walloped 2.0. From your posts you sound like an intelligent, empathic and sympathetic guy. I think if you are able to step out of your comfort zone, see things for what they really are, not polluted by confusing love for codependency, that you perfectly capable of making the right decisions for yourself.

Find your strength brother!

W

Respectfully, you can talk all you want, but until you're doing that from a bedrock of truth, it's not going to help. I do not want you to be in this situation, limbo is the worst.

So you may have to do things which are slightly uncomfortable, but they need to be done. This is one of the consequences of her actions, so if you feel this unfair you know who to report it to :)

So... You need her phone. You need to re-establish trust. You need the facts. We can help you pull deleted texts and emails from it. More importantly, you must genuinely and innocently request this from her. Something like "I genuinely want to trust you, the good news is that you've told me everything and I found a way to recover all of your deleted texts and emails so that we can back up your story and start moving on". Her face at that split instant will tell you more than a DoD unencryption program would ever give you.

But yeah, it is relatively simple to recover texts

I think if you are able to step out of your comfort zone, see things for what they really are, not polluted by confusing love for codependency, that you perfectly capable of making the right decisions for yourself.

Good advice. He needs to step out of his comfort zone and do what he needs to do, such as get the STD tests done and get a full timeline. I am one who also does not like to make waves. But, there are times when you have to override your nature and step out of your comfort zone, because it is imperative that you do so to resolve a situation, and this is certainly one of them.

I feel really bad for where you are at Walloped. Just keep in mind that a lot of people here and in your personal life care about you. It may help for you to read some other threads here at JFO that have similar situations in which a wife in a happy marriage with a very loving and supportive husband threw it all away and cheated. It is not as uncommon as one might imagine, which could help you understand what you are going through and how to deal with it.

[This message edited by LifeWanderer at 5:24 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Walloped

I agree with those who said the 21 minute NC phone call was really more of and I am sorry I cant see you anymore because my husband caught me. It may very well be the reason this OM kept after her and still is because she was not too convincing.

And she sould have known to block him and not answer his calls.

I'd be real careful about believing too much of what she is telling you at this point.

Walloped, I am so sorry for your pain.

I balled when I read your posts.

Your relationship story hits very close to mine.

What a complete and thorough shock.

The only thing I want to tell you is that everyone here is spot on. The though love is for you, not necessarily at this moment, but as time goes by, it WILL begin to click. That's when you will go back and re-read the advice...and it will help.

The most important thing to know is that we all have your back. There isn't anything that you can say that hasn't been felt by at least one other person here. That's not to belittle your experience. That's for you to know that you cannot embarrass yourself here.

Strength

I don't know if you want to save your marriage or not. You want it to be an option, then you can decide.

The first thing is to end the affair.

1. Get rid of her phone, change her phone number, block the guy's phone number. Same with email and other social media, get rid of them, change the names, accounts, etc., to make it more difficult for the guy to reach her, so that if the guy does contact her, then you will know she contacted him. This is inconvenient for other friends and family, so be it.

2. She never, ever, ever deletes ever again. No need to. Emails, phones, laptops, tablets have enough memory that they never need to be deleted. No clearing browser history, no deleting texts, no deleting even spam. So there will be no understanding or you wondering what she is deleting. If you catch her deleting, you will know she is up to something.

3. Call up and quit the volunteer that the other guy was involved in. No more trips to the city unless without you for a while.

4. Have her handwrite a "no contact" "cease-and-desist" type letter to the other man. No terms of endearment, no pleasantries, something like this: "Other Man Name: I am ashamed of what I've done. I am working on my marriage. Do not contact me ever again. If you do, I will consider it harassment and contact police. Signed, My Name." Give her the letter to you, you put it in certified mail.

5. Ask her to tell the full truth. Were there any accomplices, like friends or other volunteers? I would suspect that those other volunteers know about the affair, that she had at least one close woman who volunteered, who knew what was going on and helped her. Those people who helped the cheating should be dumped. Find out whatever details you want.

6. Let her read a couple of books "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" from Linda MacDonald and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You should read those, too.

7. If you don't already have all access to all her accounts and devices, she should give them to you. You don't have to monitor them, the idea is that she has to show she is no longer trying to hide anything. She will help you a lot if she is open and honest and doing it on her own, her telling you where she is going and when, checking in with you, without you having to wonder or you having to keep ask and keep track of her.

8. STD testing for her.

9. Were there any gifts? Special lingerie? A special outfit? Any love letters or mementos. I can guarantee it there are. Burn those. Or at least throw them out.

10. I hate monitoring, but maybe you should for a week or two. Pay especially attention to her browsing history. Most cheaters are able to hide their tracks by not using known email accounts, will use burner phones, will use special cheater apps that don't log on the phone bill, but sometimes the cheaters do not clear their browsing history. It might not be cheating, per se, but rather songs she is looking up on youtube, sappy losing her love heartbreak songs; it let's you see where her head is at. I would check those, at least for a week or two, until you get your head around what has happened.

You are in shock a little, like others have said, you have to adjust this new reality, your wife was not who she was who you thought; you thought she would NEVER betray you, she did, and she would still be cheating on you right this very minute if your brother didn't find out. How long would she have kept doing it? If she had continued long enough, would she have reached the point where she would have left you for the other man? This could still happen, you and her are not over the woods yet, so please kill that affair as best as you can, then you can go on to try to repair trust and improve the marriage.

I also put my husband on a pedestal. This isn't a tendency amongst only BH's, but probably many BSs in general who feel their marriages were mostly happy and "working."

I, too, was very skeptical about what others were insinuating here about his character and what he was capable of after DDay, but sadly more were right than not.

Your wife had to make a pretty big mental leap to go from friend to AP with this OM. And, I do believe she has minimized whatever information she has told you thus far to "spare your feelings." In reality, it's partly that, but also partly because she is also coming to grips with the reality of her actions in cold, hard daylight. She's probably just as shocked as you are to see how devastating her choices will be. And you guys are only on the tip of the iceberg--there is so much work to be done and truth to find out (if you want it).

I didn't want to come back and put more pressure on you, but just as a fellow BS who also thought "this is MY husband!! He made a mistake, but surely it couldn't be worse." And then it was worse.

SHRUG

I'd rather a harsh truth than false hope. I hope you come back to update us on your progress with your WW. Stay strong, Walloped.

[This message edited by Briseis at 7:47 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Why do I know she was "in love" with other man? Because your wife was so BRAZEN holding hands walking down the street.

wk55hn

Your wife is in the “romantic love” stage with the OM and in the “attachment security” stage with you.

Search for “why we love why we cheat” by Helen Fisher for a 20 minute video.

Then she said she didn’t love him. She loves me. So what should I call it?

You might not want to hear this about your WW, but there's a very good chance she's only saying these things because she's in her 40's and doesn't work. You are her meal ticket. It's a position many people hate being in. Beholden to someone else for their financial security.

If you want my honest opinion, in conjunction with doing all of these things, if you happen to stay together, I would strongly suggest she go back to work in some capacity somewhere. Go get a career for herself. I've not idea how old your boys are at this point or how much time she actually has to devote to them as a stay at home mom, but it appears she's had too much time on her hands.

In short, help her to stand on her own two feet. Take away the proverbial bon-bons. This will help you figure out whether she's in it for the right reasons in the long run.

Walloped, welcome to the club no one wants to join, but you know? This club has been open since there have been boys and girls and has no admission policy we take from hobos to presidents to kings and queens.

Why did she do it? Because she wanted it and could. Was it pleasurable for them? Of course it was, our bodies respond to physical stimuli, just like pissing or taking a shit. But... and here comes the 2x4... There is only one thing that compares to the blow the BS receives in his confidence and that is the high the WS receives in his confidence.

That being said, you know that a time for decisions is coming up, you don't have to make none now, but gather information so that you can make an informed one when the time comes - you are at the right place to gather this info, when you feel comfortable surf the other forums, reconciliation, divorce, new beginnings and wayward side.

I'm sorry but this is a life changing situation, you know the cliched persona of the bitter male? It will take hard hard work not to become that person. Do you really need any details? It seems to me that they are only needed if your aiming for R. Even D is not a sure way not to became that bitter person. But thinking of the future can you see yourself listening to those groovy songs about love and wonder 'is she thinking of me or him?', for the rest of your life? I hope you've had a nice weekend and keep posting in SI.

Of course it was, our bodies respond to physical stimuli, just like pissing or taking a shit. But... and here comes the 2x4... There is only one thing that compares to the blow the BS receives in his confidence and that is the high the WS receives in his confidence.

Oooh! Ow! EEK! So true

As a BS you feel soooo invalidated, just as the WS has been overly so by the ego kibbles and fog the A puts them into. The height of injustice is RIGHT here in this previous statement. 3 months out, and this is not anywhere close to being resolved in my case, and for others it takes years.

Walloped,

Your situation is a mirror copy of my own, down to the ages of everyone involved. I was 44. Had a wonderful wife, two amazing daughters. Did everything right and I was extremely proud of what I had made of my life and the family that I built. I made gobs of money and was professionally good, gave her and my girls everything they wanted without spoiling them. All was well then the "shit hit the fan".

The OM (48 at the time) had been working on my wife for months at a place where she would see him a few times a week. He was kind, listened, cared. As things evolved, he started to make her believe that she deserved better (this was shocking considering what I had done for her for two decades). But I was not there, I worked an hour away and couldnt take the girls to this place. But this is how the game is played by these bastards. While I was off providing for my family some slithery pile of shit decided to put a wedge between my wife and I so that he could take everything away from me. Wife, girls, house, and hundreds of thousands of saved assets that I had worked hard for.

Other things I wanted to mention. I appreciate all of you who responded. I do. So please take what I’m about to say in the spirit it’s intended. Please go a bit easier on people who have just found out. I know you’re all giving advice based on experience but some of the things you suggest or say about my wife…well, if it was to my face, then I’d tell you to meet me at the bike rack at 3:00! I know you mean well. I do. And while I know enough to know that I don’t have all my faculties working even close to 50% at this time, I have a natural tendency to defend her. How can you talk like that about my wife? What kind of person are you insinuating she is? And then it hits me and I fall apart. Just go softer is all I’m suggesting. Not that I don’t need a smack upside my head. I don’t know. I guess it’s just really, really hard to hear that about someone you’ve loved for nearly your entire life.

I understand wanting to protect your wife, I honestly to. Its very natural and I did as well and still do to this day. LETS BE CLEAR HERE. Your wife is not herself right now. And it is VERY common for WW to be in an emotional "fog".

It is highly likely that your wife has developed an emotional bond with this OM. Unless she is one that loves a lot of sex from random men, she probably has feelings of love for this OM. It is just a reality that you need to understand and I know it is SO out of this world to consider such things. Its down right weird.

You are just a few days in. But she has been in THIS NEW WORLD for months. And she has found a way to rationalize the entire thing. So in her mind, she might be thinking that you are not that great. SHE WILL REVISE YOUR HISTORY in her own mind to make herself feel better. The OM not only supports this, he has pointed out your faults while disguising his own. FANTASYLAND!!!

She may not love you at all (in her fucked up mind). She may be lieing to you. She is also lieing to the OM possibly to keep him around while she sorts this all out. Understand my friend, NOTHING IS NOT WHAT IT APPEARS AND HASNT BEEN FOR MONTHS. Your wife just forgot to send you the memo.

Look, my wife was SO remorseful after I found out, just like your wife is. But while we were "reconciling", she still was dealing with this other relationship she had built up. I read an email 3 months after I had found out that she sent to one of her friends. The whole email was how she was trying to do the "right thing", but that she had fallen in love with the OM and it was the hardest thing to break it off. I was devasteted to read this. Just heart broken to this day and its been 4 years for me. My wife herself is sick to her stomach that she ever got so involved and close to this OM. But it happened and she had real feelings. Your story is so close to mine, that I cant help but caution you to be prepared for this. I am sorry.

That said, I encourage you to press forward. You can save this thing. Wish you well.

[This message edited by TheDarkestTime at 5:05 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Whalloped,

I've read your posts carefully and decided to give my opinions/thoughts here.

I hate stories like yours because many of us want to believe that there are good marriages out there or at least hold on to that theory and when we see another good marriage bite the dust, just like what happened to many here, it triggers many that post here and as a result some comments come out of that triggering that sometimes seems rough to the initial poster (you) but I am glad that you recognized that and at least realize everyone here is trying to help. With that said, I will keep my comments somewhat in check as not to turn you away.

I like CrazyTrain's analogy of the vase. It's right on. I always likened infidelity to a tsunami. You love the ocean, want to build there and do. Then there is a tsunami that hits and wipes out everything. You have to go through the pain and suffering of losing loved ones and rebuilding. But when you start to rebuild, you have a tough decision to make. You look up on the mountainside and see a village that was spared the effects of the tsunami. They have a great place too and while you thought you were the envy of the world with a great ocean front property, it is you who are destroyed. So when rebuilding, you consider joining them up there though you may stay with the risks of being oceanfront. This applies to infidelity (the tsunami), the destruction (the after affects), the rebuilding (Damage control, stopping the infidelity, and deciding whether to reconcile or not) and the village (moving on to other pastures through divorce). None of it is easy. Spaceghost's thread is one where he decided physical infidelity was too much and he moved on pretty fast. Other posters like Didact, Worndown, RoomMate, Changemaker, and Healingroad have posted their stories which I feel reflects different types of betrayals and different types of reactions. Everyone's tolerance is different and everyone's reaction is different. I know a lot of people say you don't have to make a decision right away. I am not always in agreement with this but at the very least, be decisive.

Before I go further, I will advise you that I am in the camp that feels physical betrayal is worse than emotional betrayal. I can't deal with the mind movies and saying I love you rather than getting banged doggie style is preferable IMO. I've endured both so I can compare.

Now

1) I am unsure what you are getting out of this weekend. Is it trickle truth ? You must assume she did everything with the guy, as much as you don't want to believe she did. Everything sexually, mentally etc ...Affairs to cheaters are new and exciting and with little risk. So people involved in these open up ore and it's absolutely disgusting that it happens but it does. You are the stable, reliable 1980 Cadillac that keeps on going. This OM is the new Ferrari that is exciting. It's horrible and wrong but that's what these people think and go through.It doesn't mean you aren't better, it means that she, in her warped world, may have thought this way.I have guys married long term in what appears to be good marriages walking into work after scoring with their wives like they won the Super Bowl. People get content in their marriages. None believe betrayal will happen and then it does. If she did things for him that she didn't do for you, it's double betrayal.

2) This has nothing to do with you or your job. As a cop, I spent 6 years of my life working almost exclusively opposite schedules as my wife without cheating. It's called will power and loyalty and commitment, not the job. Work place affairs happen all the time but recently here, there seems to be affairs with SAHM's as well. Boredom when the kids are gone. You have to understand the implications of your being loyal and working like a dog to provide and she abused you by taking her downtime and walking around NYC like Mary Tyler Moore holding hands with the OM when you thought she was planning dinner for you. If she was at home and you were quitting work early and going to a woman's apartment to hook up, how would she handle that ?

3) Something broke inside of her. It's not your job to figure it out, it's hers. I understand NY's draconian divorce laws and the motivation to stay in the marriage. Your marriage will never be the same. It can still be good but not as good. Long time poster here, Bigger, always mentions that affairs don't make marriages better like some of these weird open relationship websites suggest. It's the work that goes into repairing the relationship that makes it better. But I will add this. That only counts if the relationships was bad to begin with. Yours wasnt so this will never be as good.

I applaud you for doing some things right off the bat that worked.

You got lucky with your brother that he was able to discover it because it would still be going on otherwise. Take the break you got and move aggressively.

You showed immediate consequences by moving into the basement. That rocked her world. You also amde the correct move by not leaving the house.

Your stepping back when she tried to hug you was great as well. It showed that you weren't validating her affair an that you don't know who she is anymore

You didn't cry and beg. Good move. You showed strength and resiliency.

You made the right move by blocking the weekend off for an info session.

You did right by demanding 'no contact'.

She's not gaslighting as far as we know. Another good point.

You are also right not to tell her you love her because quite frankly, you don't know who she is at this point

Now there are a few bad points

She only broke up with him after discovery which shows relational and moral flaws in her

When she talked with him to stop it, 21 minutes ?? Not good

Your not going 'James Bond' on her is not good. She could claim she ended it but didn't and you would have no clue.

Your not seeking legal counsel doesn't protect you in case this goes downhill.

I agree she needs to stop volunteer work but if she was able to affair once the kids were gone and you were working full time, now she has more time on her hands. What now ?

You shouldn't discount Henry the 8th's point that this is not her first rodeo. You don't know anymore

I understand the inability to figure this out.You are analytical which helps you. Mind over heart in cases like these.She says she loves you but who does this to people they love ?

It also doesn't mean she's going to stop.

Don't underestimate the power of mind movies

These types of affairs are the worst because they sit at home and expect nice things but don't respect the source of these nice things enough to behave on their own.It's wrong and disgusting.

I wish you peace

[This message edited by Western at 6:34 AM, August 10th (Monday)]