SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I get it too - Basically Mrs. Walloped is the war criminal here. But she's also a willing victim of a predator because she lacked the boundaries and moral fortitude to do the right thing as he made his first attempt to groom her. She had not made the choice in advance, because she never expected it or realized it would come her way.

Once a woman recognizes a predator, the signs are really obvious, but a naive woman - nope - won't see it coming. And unless she's clearly made some choices in advance, she's toast.

I'm not defending Mrs. Walloped as much as saying there are degrees of innocence and guilt and culpability. And I'm acknowledging that none of this lessens the damage and the rubble; only that it gives some choices as to what to do with the damage.

The 9-11 clean-up is not a bad choice or less desirable choice than Old Town.

It takes time to get divorced - even the 60-90 day process for some states is enough time to take a breather and look for best possible outcomes with the rubble choices.

I'm just pointing out there is more than the 9-11 choice people are so quick to point out here.

I looked at my marriage 2 years ago after D-Day and made the 9-11 choice initially. But I needed time to deal with my anger, hurt, and rage-filled numbness. I made some requests with no promises for any positive response in return. I required protection from his bad choices. He was remorseful and willing to give those things. I also looked at my future choices. I recognized that every new prospective relationship came with the same unknowns that my husband came with over 25 years before DD. And that gave me pause. Watching for cracks in the facade dating people put up - they're on their best behavior. How would I know I'm getting any better than the man he was before I knew about the porn, the depression, and every character defect that led him to cheat on me? There is no way to truly get that information and insight.

Choosing the Old Town choice was a process of time. But also recognizing there was good in the man. At the time of DD he looked more like Darth Vadar to our marriage. His arrogance that led him to cheat on me was breath-taking. So Old Town wasn't even on my radar for months after D-Day.

I liked k8la's post above. Lots of wisdom there. And further, I disagree that it is too soon to be contemplating R or D. Of course that's to be contemplated! (Along with a million other not so pleasant unstoppable thoughts...)

i think it's way too soon for you to make any decisions Walloped.

I'm sure your wife feels horrible and will continue to do so as she wakes up to what she's done. And she'll promise all sorts of things and mean them. And you'll actually come to pity her. I did with my wife.

Here's the thing, speaking as someone who chose to R, you never forget what happened. I've come to realize that I don't believe it will ever be "better than ever!" You know when people say your marriage can be better than ever? Yeah... I don't believe it. Maybe it can be if the marriage was bad to begin with. But in cases like mine, or yours, where the marriage was acknowledged to be good by both sides, it only becomes worse. Nothing is ever perfect. You can't be perfect. You couldn't have BEEN perfect. She cheated on her own. You know it and she knows it. She did it while things were good. Maybe they weren't perfect, but they were good. So how does it get to be "better than ever?" She used to be your childhood sweetheart. You trusted her with your life. You loved her. She was special. You never get that back.

If you eventually choose to R, you may even begin to trust her. But what happens if she's out volunteering someday, and she isn't home when she's supposed to be. You'll wonder if she's fucking around. You'll remember what she did, and with who. You'll imagine the details. You never forget.

I have a remorseful wife. She's doing everything she can to make things better. But she doesn't laugh as much, or as freely as she used to. She's more careful, thoughtful, cautious. We don't look at each other the same way. I know she loves me. But I don't think about her the same way. She knows this. Deep down I know she feels horrible about what she did. But she can't change it. We can't watch the same shows as we used to. We avoid triggers. Because after all, she's capable of cheating. Right? And she hates infidelity now. HATES it! But she can't go on about it because she's knows it's hypocritical.

You never forget. Her infidelity changes everything. You don't have the innocent, beautiful, trusting love anymore. I sometimes envy those who chose to divorce. They're already dating new people. People who haven't cheated on them. People who don't come up with the excuse, "I was broken." They get to experience new love, fresh love. It must feel nice.

So... if I were you, I'd take my time with my decision.

Wow, there is SO much wisdom on this thread!

Walloped, in addition to blessing others by sharing your story, you've truly been blessed by those who've shared their experience and thoughts with you. No matter what happens, you're going to be okay.

For now, I would focus on taking care of YOU, as much as you can. None of the advice and perspective will help much if you don't ensure you are taken care of--by you.

Right now, that means surviving the trauma you're currently in. Do what you can to get support, sleep, fluids, time for you, exercise, chapel, church, WHATEVER IT IS THAT GETS YOU THROUGH THIS SHOCK. Figure out next steps in due time.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 2:05 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

How r u doing Wallowed?

Walloped, I wonder if your wife is going to have a breakdown. The very brokenness that lead to her to stray, may also reflect a weakened ability to endure what now is her shock and trauma at what she's done.

You say you know you're going to be okay. I know that feeling. I'm unsure your wife does. And she now has nowhere to turn.

I don't know what kind of help she may need to make it through her trauma. Maybe some sort of professional help? I'm beyond my ken...

Hope I'm wrong. I just find myself very worried about her. Not saying YOU should take care of her (your plate is full), but maybe she's beyond the ability of your SIL to care for her, alone.

Walloped

First of all, as other have pointed out, it is remarkable how great you are managing this whole mess.

IMO, you should ask her what does she really want to do. It seems that you are asuming that she is willing to save your marriage but are your sure she wants it?

IMO you should explaint to her that, even when you dont not yet what you want to do, that she needs to figure it out as well based on the following:

Things will never be the same, even when, at leats for her, your marriage was a bad one and totally disposable, from now on things will be even worse. A even worse marriage that the one she was willing to lose. (BTW did you ask her if she ever discoused leaving you to be with OM?)

Not stay for the kids as this is the worse way to teach them how a marriage should be. Better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

She is in love with OM and checked out of love from you. Thats why she was a ble to risk her marriage over him. If she is not in love with you she should D.

Even after DDay she was still thinking that OM and her had something very special until she saw you crying in pain. She should not be with you based on the pain she put you in. Not save her marriage because she feels she owns you that even if she doesnt love you.

Make sure she wants to be with you as a wife should be with her husban. Dont settle for nothing less.

Last thing, you dont need to chose D or R rigth now, as you know and everybody has pointed out, so dont lie to her, be honest and clear abou it, dont let her decide what she wants over what she thinks you want.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 7:11 AM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Walloped

I don't have much to add since you are obviously a very methodical and intelligent guy. And you know you are in no rush to decision. The things that really concern me about what you wife did were:

(1) they were so much in to each other that they were parading around in public like "lovebirds". I don't care what city cheaters are in. openly wandering around the area where they were volnteering makes me think others in their group know about this and your wife did not care. She admitted to you I think you were not even on her mind.

(2) she was the sexual pursuer and initiator as you stated in some instances so this was not a sexual relationship where she went along with it as a price to pay for the attention. ]

(3) she resented YOU being what I think she called controlling. Well, if she thinks you were controlling before ( not saying you were), what is her freaction going to be now if you stay becuase I am guessing she is not going to come and go anywhere she pleases with no explanations like before. It will take some IC to get to the reason for that statement from her.

No one can predict the future with this shit, but a lot of the literature syas when they are this emotionally involved they never come back 100%.

You stated this guy is apparently rich. Well, even though you blocked the social media, it would appear he has enough money to hire a PI, find her, and keep after her. And he was sure not giving up easily. I know she was upset to hear she was just another one he cheated with, but he is obvioujsly a "pro" at this so I would certainly consider the polygraph at some point.

Everyone reacts different physically, both WS amd BS to this. I would NOT assume just because she is very distraught and sobbing that she is totally remorseful. It is still way too early for that. She is distraught that she got caught and what the consequences may be and what she may have traded her secure life for. I think too many BH assume that because they see a lot of tears that that translates into remorse overnight.

She was emotionally involved enough to keep taking this OM calls and if you had not been monitoring her so closely she would have kept talking to him.

You are too smart to know if you stay in this marriage you have a long road ahead. You did an amazing job in seven days or whatever it is to do the "discovery" and get the truth, but the next part is the hardest.

I don't know what kind of help she may need to make it through her trauma. Maybe some sort of professional help? I'm beyond my ken...

Hope I'm wrong. I just find myself very worried about her. Not saying YOU should take care of her (your plate is full), but maybe she's beyond the ability of your SIL to care for her, alone.

The right answer here is almost always a 3rd party. Many different personality types will over-exaggerate distress and pain as a way to evoke emotion in others and change the channel, so to say. This can be intentional or just how the person acts.

Either way, a licensed individual is certainly better equipped to handle this.

You did an amazing job in seven days or whatever it is to do the "discovery" and get the truth, but the next part is the hardest.

nonensense, I acknowledge the perspective in your whole post above... I think you're right that it's hard to know what really going on when there are all these tears and wailing. It's made all the harder, too, because we concurrently are in such pain ourselves.

There's nothing like the initial shock of DDay. Unfortunately, I concur with the section of your post I quoted above... The next part is the hardest. That's one of the reasons why it's so important to take care of ourselves as much as possible. We need as much strength as we can get.

Fortunately, walloped, you at least seem to have much of the truth as a foundation for moving through this next part. If you hadn't done so well in getting at that, you'd be operating in the dark at the toughest of times.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 9:07 AM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Some of the best advice I got was to spend a least 6 months considering before I decided what to do. That is especially true if you decide later to r. E en fili g for a d isn't final until it is and can be dropped at any point t. A hasty and emotional decision while on the roller coaster isn't good. But as you said, thinking about your options now isn't bad. That's a good thing. Just wait to decide til the worst of the ride is over.

Walloped

Just the fact you still have a sense of humor shows how strong you are.

Time is on your side.

Use it to better your state of mind and heal the heart.

Use it to encourage your wife to get the help she needs. She is a mess. Let a pro help straighten her out.

The old Adam Sandler is the best. Maybe its time for the Zohan to make an appearance.

He can kick the crap out of the OM for you.

No rush.

Take care of you.

Keep doing what you're doing.

agreed no rush,

Take your time to decide. I say at least 6 months.

They say R it self takes 2 to 5 years with both spouse working hard.

and I agree if she does not like the idea of limbo for 3 to 6 months, it makes you decision easier.

1. Don't even try to force a decision in your mind now. At some point you'll know

2. You said she loves you. She does not. Someone who loves you doesn't walk hand in hand with another man and turn to him, look up to him lovingly and say 'lets go back to your place, my love'.

Admittedly I'm being a douche and triggering you a bit, but you need to understand that the woman you married is gone. Never to come back. Your marriage and her are never going to be the same.

Putting it in context, your decision isn't 'Reconcile or Divorce', it's 'Do I want to start a new relationship with this person that I do not know, except that she cheated on her last husband?'.

The shitty part is that the last past of that is ALL on her, assuring that there is nothing but trust and that this new woman is the one that you need more than any other (and there are many others, others who don't have boyfriends). The first part "do I want this new relationship?" Is on you. It may not seem like it now, but at some point, assuming you are true to yourself, not fearful of what the future looks like and confident will be self-evident. I dare say that actual decision will be easy when it is time to make it (soul shattering perhaps, but you WILL know the answer)

Translation: I agree with every word you said. You are the clearest thinker here at this stage since SpaceGhost007.

Personally, I give it a year. At about the 8 month mark,she truly *got it*. CSA issues, her AP was actually her abuser He was the one who *got away*, unrequited love and all that.

Anyway, we're 3+ years past DDay. I would say our M is better. I see her without the rose colored glasses. She's not my queen anymore. Just a woman who is throwing everything in her power at becoming the best human being she can.

I admire that, I want to be with her on that joirney. Note, I don't say need.

Strength

R is entirely possible when the WS is truly remorseful.