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Fear vs. reality

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OnShakyGround posted 5/25/2016 20:15 PM

Reality: My realization that there was no affection or care for me. There was no communication at all with me (or anyone else for that matter) or interest in spending time with me in any way. The only actual actions towards me were either passive aggressive, condescending, or the minimum interest he thought he needed to show to get laid. All while doing extremely degrading horrible things behind my back. That isn't care of love. There isn't a single positive thing he did or provided that couldn't be replaced with someone in the phone book.

This. 1,000 times this.

phmh posted 6/11/2016 09:08 AM


nowiknow23 posted 7/21/2016 13:18 PM

Bumping for the newer members of D/S.

TrustGone posted 7/21/2016 14:36 PM

Thanks for the bump NIK. I was thinking the same the other day due to so many newbies in S/D and the fears that they face.

I will update mine from a year ago...... Even if it has already been mentioned, please voice your fears. You will surprised later down the road at how far you have come.

Fear: I will never be able to live in anything but an apartment due to my income and disability.

Reality: Bought a house a few months ago that sits on 3 lots by a lake. It's not my farm, but it is big enough for me to have my garden. It is mine and no one else has a say so in anything I do with it. My neighbors state they won't be surprised if I get yard of the month!!!

Fear: I will never find anyone that will love me due to my age and disability and I will be alone forever.

Reality: Met a guy on OLD who is a widower. He isn't perfect, but he is sincere. He understands my disability due to his wife being sick for so long. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't care about looks, my age, my income, etc...he says he likes me for who I am on the inside and the outside is just an added bonus to him. He also accepts that I don't want to remarry or co-habitat and he is OK with that.

Fear: I will never find anyone who will make me as happy as I was in my marriage.

Reality: Looking back without my rose-colored glasses, I can now see XWH#2 for who he really was/is. He will keep searching and never find true happiness because he is NPD and an alcoholic. He can only maintain the love bombing for so long before his true personality reveals itself.

The thing is that even some of my former good realities have changed mostly for the better. We all think in the beginning we can't live or love without them. The thing is your strength will get you through the hardest parts and you will continue to grow without them in your life. You will go on to bigger and better things if you put your mind off them and onto yourself. They are pitiful excuses for themselves and they will continue to be that way as long as they continue to go down the path of delusional thinking. Take your control back and never give up. Sometimes a beautiful rainbow will appear after a terrible storm and you will see your reality for what it truly is. (((HUGS TO ALL)))

MeOh posted 8/4/2016 15:17 PM

I am currently stuck in my fears and I need to move on. I'm going to list them here in the hopes I will get to come back in the future and tell everyone how well things worked out:D

1. FEAR: I can't afford to live in the Bay Area on what I earn. I will have to live somewhere horrible to be near my daughter because CA gives 50-50 custody and I'm not allowed to take her out of the area.

2. I have no retirement savings - I was counting on the sale of my home down the line to live on and now I have no plan so I don't know what I'll do when I'm older.

3. My DD! My parents divorced when I was 15 and I was devastated and still struggle with aspects of it. I fear how it will affect her long term.

4. Parenting Alone - how will I deal with the time limitations of working full time, going to school part time AND being a single parent?

5. My daughter is more bonded with stbx in a lot of ways and I'm afraid she will always want to be with him and not with me.

6. Growing older without the person I thought I'd grow old with - will I be alone? Will there be anyone to help me and share my life?

7. Should I have tried harder to save my marriage? Was this my fault?

8. Am I unloveable/unattractive? Will I ever find anyone who will really love me or even give me a chance? Will I ever even get laid again?

9. Will stbx drag the divorce out so much that I can't afford the lawyer fees? Will they make him pay my legal costs in the end or will I be out all that money too?

10. Will I get back the money stbx hid/stole from me? Some of it belongs to my mom and I feel very responsible for that.

11. Will I be able to adjust my spending to live with less money or will I wind up way in debt even though I should have enough to get by?

12. Will I have to leave/sell my house? I love my house and I feel like I'm already losing so much.

13. I am a crazy cat lady and I tend to adopt older cats. Will I be able to afford the medical care they often need?

14. Will OW become wife #2 and I'll have to deal with her on an ongoing basis?

15. stbx is almost obsessed with DD at this point. Will he drop her like a hot potato at some point when it actually will take more effort to deal with her?

16. Will stbx quit/lose his job leaving me financially unstable? How long will alimony be for?

17. Will I crash and suffer a major depression at some point as I've dealt with depression all my life? Will my back require more surgery and I'll have no one to help?

18. Was I not a good enough wife? Am I too messed up for anyone to stay in my life?

19. Will I always feel like I love him even though he's not the person I loved anymore? Will I ever be able to separate the two? My father died in stages after my mother divorced him - he never picked up his life again. I'm terrified I'll do the same.

20. Will I lose my best friend too as she insists on staying friends with him and I really have a hard time with that?

I could go on - I feel like a huge ball of fear right now. I still can't sleep well and am not eating much and I'm almost 3 months out now. I promise, in a year, I will come back to this time capsule of fears and report on how I'm doing.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/4/2016 16:58 PM

My current fear is that I will be alone for the rest of my life

My other fears are:

1.-If he dies (he told me he will maybe commit suicide) I will be in great pain and will never forget him, never!

2.-I will not be able to have new friends.

3.-I will be alone, alone, alone.

(thanks for bumping this, I was neeeding it today!)

phmh posted 8/17/2016 20:52 PM

Bumping up as I said I would in another post, but also, nearly 5 years after D-Day, to post another Reality to this one:

Fear: dating. I'd never dated as an adult, as XWH and I got together when I was 20. How do I do it? Will men be interested in me? ARGH!!!

Reality: After 60+ (mostly) uninspiring first dates over 3-4 years, mostly off of online dating, I took a break from dating (after the last guy told me he was from Narnia. And was serious.)

I spent last summer having the time of my life. I completely gave up on dating, made peace with being single forever, and instead focused on me and on my friends/family. Which led to a huge promotion at work and, ultimately through mutual friends, to meeting my current boyfriend.

We've now been together for a little over 10 months, and things are amazing. WXH never treated me this well. We've had so many fun adventures, with many more planned. Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagined such a relationship. I was missing so much by settling on WXH, even though I certainly didn't realize it at the time!

Hawke posted 8/31/2016 16:24 PM

Fear: I would have a deficit budget and be unable to make ends meet due to paying so much support to ex.

Reality: My net worth has increased in the 6 months since he moved out.

Fear: I would be unable to work because I couldn't focus, remember or make decisions.

Reality: I have healed a lot since D-Day, and I am back at work full time and proved myself to management by pulling off a difficult task in May/June.

MeOh posted 8/31/2016 18:08 PM

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE reading this thread? Please, keep it coming - I need the positive mojo!

nowiknow23 posted 9/7/2016 16:02 PM


rosie437 posted 9/7/2016 17:42 PM

This is such a great thread, I love it!

Here are a few of mine...

Fear: I would be lonely.

Reality: My social life is far ahead of where it ever was when M. I have new friends who like me for me (vs. old ones where I was just 'STBX's wife). I learned that I relied on my overly-social-and-overbearing H to always be the talker. And I learned that I much happier NOT doing this! He brought my self confidence down and meeting new people has helped bring it back up.

Fear: I'd lost my only travel partner (traveling is a favorite hobby of mine)

Reality: I've gone on two amazing bucket-list trips in the past year plus a couple small weekend ones all with friends that I never would have traveled with prior just b/c I was M. It's opened new doors, fostered new friendships, strengthened old ones and been wonderful!

Fear: I wouldn't have anyone to turn to if something went wrong (car broke down, house problems, etc.)

Reality: I fixed my own flat tire, fixed my own leaking sink, recruited friends for yard projects and found a reliable repairman for things I don't want to try on my own. I like being independent and people are really willing to help if you're willing to ask.

Fear: I wouldn't enjoy all the things I used to do with STBX

Reality: STBX did all the same things with OW that he did with me and it made me realize there was nothing special about those places/things to 'us'. It was simply his selfishness - he liked it so he drags others into it. Now I get to pick the ones I like without his input - I've successfully made new happy memories with friends at many of the places he took OW to and they are not triggers at all now.

Fear: I'd spend the rest of my life alone

Reality: I might, but if so it will be by choice. B/c I really enjoy being on my own and the strength and independence it brings. I like being the only one who decides things! I haven't dated but I've gotten enough attention to realize if I want to, I can and I'll do so on my timeline with my agenda.

I still have more fears to tackle but every time you realize you've overcome one, it's a confidence boost to help you tackle the others!

[This message edited by rosie437 at 5:43 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 9/7/2016 18:21 PM

All of my fears surround my financial comfortability level and my kids.

I do not want to split time with them.

I read horror stories on this forum about the kids... it REALLY has been freaking me out.

phmh posted 9/15/2016 09:14 AM


Hawke posted 9/21/2016 13:13 PM

Bumping for Robin.

honeydew posted 9/21/2016 14:02 PM

Really needed this post tonight!! I am living in fear of fear and I need to see reality! Been with WS since I was 18 now 33...thinking there's no life out there for me, no man no family to be had...but I read this and my heart lifts! Thank you.

DdV65 posted 9/22/2016 14:18 PM

This post came at such an important time for me. I am actually book marking it. Thanks to the starter of this thread and this positive message, that yes, we all have fears, but to write them out, and have an action plan, is to face them and not let them rule our lives.

ChewedMeUp posted 9/23/2016 10:05 AM

I was terrified about being broke, about less time with my daughter.

Though my paycheck hasn't really gone up (slight CoL increase, is all), I got militant about paring down my bills, keeping track of things on spreadsheets, and tucking christmas money away via direct deposit to an unrelated account (so I don't even think about it). Now that I'm not constantly dropping 20, 40 bucks here and there because he overspent, and I'm keeping an eye on every penny, I have more breathing room than I thought in my budget, and I'm thinking about increasing my savings fund deposit!

Less time with my daughter is happening, but it's because she has a social life, not because she's at dad's EOW. And when she is there, half the time she's actually spending the night at a friend's or is having a friend over there, not actually with him, either. So less time is really just the normal teenage thing, and our relationship is still in as good a shape as it was before.

cl131716 posted 9/23/2016 10:24 AM

This has to be one of the best posts on this website. I love it. I'm still new to the separated/divorce thing. I have a ton of fears. I'm actually a bit excited now to have new realities. The can't possibly be worse than my previous ones.

cl131716 posted 9/23/2016 10:32 AM

I'd like to list my fears so that one day in the future I can go back and add my realities.

Fear: I won't be able to support myself and my kids on my own. I quit my good job years ago. I was a sahm for awhile and currently only work part time. My bil is trying to get me a full time job where he works.

Fear: I will forever be lonely. I've never been on my own before.

Fear: I will have a hard time parenting alone. Although if I'm being honesty I basically already have been.

Fear: Dating. At this point the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm very bitter and cynical.

Marina77 posted 10/13/2016 21:48 PM

I am so glad I read this thread today.

So many fears, so little time...I am on the verge of filing for D, while H continues his EA under my nose...so I only have fear...

Fear: I won't find anyone better (H says so)

Fear: I am a SAHM to 2 Young DD. So many changes for them

Fear: being a SAHM with a not useful degree, what job can I find? How can I work and be there for them before and after school?

Fear: dating...been with one man only since college

Fear: never trusting a man again
Fear: finances are all on me
Fear: loneliness

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