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Newest Member: cobblerock

Just Found Out :
Completely shattered and confused

Topic is Sleeping.

 grieving906 (original poster new member #83825) posted at 3:50 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

My husband (34) and I (33) met in 2019 at work and began dating in February 2020. He saved me i so many ways: I was struggling with being alone, he was the kindest man I have ever met, gave me so much laughter and comfort and hope for the future. We fell in love instantly and moved in together in March due to the pandemic. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him. We shared so many mutual friends and our families got along so perfectly, it was if we were always meant to be together. He was married before and I was engaged before, so we really bonded on past mistakes and what we wanted out of life.

2021 May we got engaged (much to my surprise but it felt so right), and in September 2022 we married.

Life with him had been nothing short of pure happiness. We rarely fought. We had some big life changes coming up- moving for his potential new job and us actively trying for children, but we were so excited and ready for it all.

August 22nd I woke up to a call from his boss. He was at a medical conference across the country and suffered a massive heart attack. He was on life support. I flew out immediately and spent a full week at his bedside, praying for a miracle. He ultimately passed away, just shy of our first wedding anniversary. to say that I am absolutely shattered is not doing it justice. But the following day, I logged onto his phone/ and laptop (he had given me the passwords previously) and found an app I didn’t recognize. It was a messaging app that included texts with a few women periodically over the course of our relationship (and even before) that were purely sexual in nature but indicated he had sex with them. I also found photo evidence so there is no mistaking. When I say I had No idea, I mean it. I am completely shocked, hurt, disgusted but mostly devastated from losing him.

I am grappling with how to feel. Rationalizing that this wasn’t a love affair he had with someone else. But purely for sex. I don’t know if there is a worse or better scenario when it comes to that. Everyone says he loved me more than anything and that I had made him the happiest he has ever been. How can that be true.

His memorial is coming up—on our actual wedding anniversary. And I am trying to hold it together. Do I focus on the relationship I thought we had? Do I keep digging and find out everything I possibly can about these other women?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2023   ·   location: Northeast
id 8806497

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:36 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

I'm very sorry for your losses.

There's no 'how you should feel.' There's only how you feel. A couple of SIers have learned of their WSes's infidelities after they passed away, and I hope they see your thread.

Do you have any thoughts about what you want to do?

Do you have to say much - or anything at all - at the memorial? Can you just sit and accept condolences, and silently translate them into condolences for your loss of his presence in your life and for his infidelities?

Do you have someone to talk with? Whether you do or don't, have you considered finding a good IC?

Recovering from being betrayed is similar to recovering from the death of a loved on. The stages of recovery are similar to the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. But the process isn't linear.

Be well. Have faith in yourself to heal.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30040   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8806511

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:29 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

906, I am so sorry you have suffered these terrible losses.
As SIsoon said, there is no one way to grieve and allow yourself the grace to feel all the emotions.

I suspect you will be on a roller coaster of loss, sadness, anger, and confusion for a while. And that is normal.
What YOU had was real. He may have been unfaithful but YOUR love and laughter were real.

I definitely recommend IC for you— it will held you with all the conflicting emotions as you heal.

As for digging— only you can decide. You know he wasn’t faithful. Do you need to know more? What will that accomplish for you? (For the record, i wanted to know EVERYTHING, but not everyone wants/needs to, and it can’t be unlearned once you learn it.)

You will heal - but it takes time. Keep reading and take good care of yourself.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8806514

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and want to give you a virtual hug.

There are two aspects to your grieving process and both are opposing at the same time overlapping with each other. Do you grieve the loss of this wonderful loving husband and beautiful marriage or do you grieve the betrayal ? I would say unpack the grief one at a time. Ideally the memorial could be focused on the good husband and once you are settled down a bit, address the betrayal. If I were you, I would not read into more of his chats/ messages or emails until I feel a bit stronger.
Time is your biggest healer, you can make your judgments later about the true state of your marriage and who your husband truly was once you have all the information. You also don’t have to feel guilty about whatever conclusions you come up with. We don’t want to think negative of someone that is no longer here, but it doesn’t change who they would be. But I would hold off on those judgments until you grieve his loss.

This is complicated because your husband is no longer here to defend himself and tell you that this wasn’t about you. This was all him. Men are very good at compartmentalizing. He could have truly loved you and had a separate life with these women.

I hope you have a good support system, a good therapist to help you navigate this. Take it one day at a time for now. Tap into your support system .
Take care, again, lots and lots of hugs, healing and strength.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8806515

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 7:19 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

I think you should focus on your happy marriage. For some reason, your husband had an addiction that he could not control, but he could compartmentalize it. That means that when he was chasing other women, it was in box one, and the rest of his life was in the box two. I’m not sure how you can get around the grief because you loved him. I think he was a good husband to you because he loved you, but I also think he was a man with a painful and probably debilitating addiction. People who are happily married as your husband seem to be would not have done this unless they were compelled to do it. Just grieve him and let the rest of it go away.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8806521

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:07 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

So sorry for your losses. That's a lot of trauma to handle at once, and it is all so painful. Give yourself time to grieve, not just the loss of your husband, but of the life you thought you had - and everything you had planned for the future.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for Emotionless Sex. There may be some wisdom that may help you out.

Please take care of you at this time. You will get through this, but it will take some time.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8806524

 grieving906 (original poster new member #83825) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023

Thank you everyone for your words of support. And for all the good advice. I felt so incredibly alone and this place has already been so therapeutic. Even just typing everything out loud and you all responding gives me something to grasp for.

At first, I decided I wanted to forget I ever saw anything. But I feel the need to know more information eating away at me. So for now, I opted to tell my best friend and my sister. I have resolved to not tell anyone else. I am doing this for two main reasons. First, I can’t bear to see his character tarnished. He is a good man that has worked so hard to be where he is. And he was very respected. and despite how hurt I am, I want everyone to be able to grieve this insurmountable loss with the memories they have of him.

the second reason for holding this secret is I am afraid it will truly shatter me beyond repair if I let it in. I know what he did, to a certain extent, but I decided to focus on the marriage and relationship I thought we had. Or rather I knew we had. I know he loved me. He must have. I am so scared to tarnish any good memories we have had together and replace them with questions. Like where was he later that night? Or who was he texting.

We had a conversation about eulogies about a month ago. Odd, I know, for two 30 something’s to talk about. But I told him I would speak at his funeral if he went first. So I will be speaking at his memorial coming up.

I am also attempting to find a good IC. It’s just all so overwhelming.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2023   ·   location: Northeast
id 8806541

Nancy45 ( new member #83497) posted at 3:40 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023

I am so very sorry. As someone who feels pain very deeply, I cannot imagine how hard life is for you right now. While I wasn't married to my betrayer (and he is still alive), I know the intense confusion, pain and frustration in trying to figure out how something felt so loving and real while betrayal was happening. How could someone be cheating at the same time they were falling in love with you? Don't let yourself feel like you made this up. It was real but your husband must have had some very unhealthy reasons (not excuses) for why he did what he did. You won't find that out by looking into things. I can understand how tempted you are, but I think you will only find more pain by giving yourself details. They will just be obnoxious details and nothing of value to give you clarity. Take your time grieving and it is also ok to be angry. You have rights and just because he has passed, doesn't mean you should pretend he was perfect. People are not all good or all bad. There is both in all of us. But allow yourself to find comfort in the good part of him, which was his life with you. I wish you so much comfort and healing.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2023
id 8806560

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:02 AM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2023

I cannot imagine what you are going through. After Dday there is a mourning period, mourning the loss of the M and partner we thought we had. This adds huge layer of loss and betrayal, but please know that none of this was your fault. Something was broken inside him. This is going to take some time and heavy duty IC. I really don't have anything to add to the great advice you have already received.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3468   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8806666

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 11:03 PM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2023

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t think anyone can imagine what that must feel like. One piece of advice, if you haven’t already done this... Everyone here is only too aware of the way TV/movies/songs can destabilize us even when we are having an ok day. If you must listen to music in the car or whatever make a playlist of non-traumatizing songs. Someone else mentioned that your husband isn’t here to answer your questions. If you don’t know already…in the I Can Relate Forum there is a thread where WS answer the questions of the BS. I have personally found it very helpful—for questions I somehow can’t really ask my husband or can’t believe him. But in your case it may be especially helpful because you must have so many questions. I hope that your pain may lighten with time. I imagine your first step is getting through the memorial. Know that everyone here will be earnestly wishing you strength.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8806751

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 3:42 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

Hi grieving, no doubt it is an incredibly devastating experience.

I also lost my husband through death. I also came to the realization that mine also cheated throughout our whole marriage instead of a one time fling he led me into believing that is all there was.

I was beyond shocked and confused. Devastated when I found out the truth. It was such a horrifying experience to be in grief and then also to find out that he wasn't this person that I thought I knew. I still feel that way at times. I mean he deceived me. Made me want to believe that he was someone that he wasn't.

We don’t want to think negative of someone that is no longer here.

Absolutely not true. Your deceased husband wasn't being a good man when he was going behind your back cheating and lieing throughout your marriage. I'm sorry but your deceased husband doesn't get a free pass just because he crossed over into a new deminsion. That's a bunch of crap to think that way. Please grieve however you need to grieve. There are no set rules for grieving.

I say go ahead and present your deceased wh as a good husband at the memorial. No one needs to learn the truth about his past at the memorial service. Save it for another day if you do choose to tell them. And if you think about it most services focus on the positive dispite the person's past right?

Anyways, I suggest for you to get through this day as peacefully as you possobly can. You loved this man and now that you know the truth you will go through a wide range of emotions until you get to your own place of satisfaction on your views of him and there will come a time when you do.

Now that I am 3 1/2 years out and also have done a lot of therapy work (still planning to. EMDR is next) I feel like I am in a better spot to let go of most of the negativity that I felt for him. I still find that I can be very disappointed in him at times. But I can also have love in my heart for him and respect for the good he did while on this earth. But one thing for sure, I would never want to experience this ever again.

Please allow yourself to feel every emotion you need to feel including hatred, hurt, pain, love, confusion, disgust. All of your emotions count and are valid.

I'm so sorry you had to find out the ugly dark side of him after his death. He hid this from you because he knew it was wrong and he didn't want you to know because he knew that you wouldn't agree with it because it was wrong.

One thing for sure is all of this emotional pain will ease up in time and you will have better days ahead.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

posts: 911   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8806770

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023

I am so sorry for your loss and more sorry for your discovery of his cheating.

Please know he didn’t cheat b/c you weren’t a great wife. He cheated despite the fact you were a great wife and partner.

He was flawed. He was making those poor choices and it never had anything to do with you or your marriage.

I don’t know why he cheated. But it appears as though it was some type of addiction or something like that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8806797
Topic is Sleeping.
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