Pain without closure & unanswered questions

I caught my boyfriend with another woman. We've been dating for 6 months with many conversations about him wanting exclusivity and me being the one for him. Turns out, he had been dating this woman too for the entirety of our relationship. I'm devastated because of his seemingly very sincere interest in me. He expressed this many times, which did not feel fake (I'm a pretty rational woman who sees through bullshit easily). We had a good relationship, bond and sexual attraction but I felt distance in the last couple of weeks that was attributed to the stress of his job. He told me the reason for cheating was because he was insecure with me (My looks, my career, my maturity, my smarts, and his occasional erectile dysfunction which made him very upset) and that he figured I would never stay with him. He said that he did want all the things he had told me he wanted (serious longterm relationship with me that involved unconditional love) but that he was insecure. He had always said he wanted to make me feel good and wanted to satisfy me (and he did). I know he suffers from some depression, ADHD, erectile dysfunction and is a recovered addict. In his past, he acted out a lot but had worked in therapy, worked on himself a lot and claimed he now has different values and is not proud of his past. He had some relationship and sexual insecurities which he works on in therapy too. I didn't get a full explanation the night I caught him and left him. He mostly stared at me in panic and stayed quiet. But it seems that him and the other woman hadn't discussed whether or not they were a couple (I guess it was more of a dating thing) but seemed like more than just hooking up. I think she was also below his league, as she was not pretty and did not seem to speak up for herself or have her own mind (I'm guessing this is what made him feel validated or admired). I was the one he would bring out places and introduce me to everyone he knew. So I think this was a secret of his for everyone but am not sure. I know the best thing to do was leave him because of this severe breach in trust and lack of integrity from the start of the relationship but I'm very sad that this is what came to be after having so many special feelings between us and fond memories. Looking back at the relationship makes me so sad to know that this was going on while we were sharing special intimate and emotional moments together. It makes me sick to think about it, nevermind that I had to see her there staying the night with him. Not to mention the hygienic and medical concerns he put me at risk for by cheating. I was falling in love with him and it had felt the same on his end up until this (he told me he had fallen for me more than once). I've been cheated on before in longer relationships. I always get over it but this is very painful for me mainly because of the intensity of the lying and because we werent having problems. He told me many times how I could trust him, knowing that I already have trust issues. I don't know if he deludes himself into thinking he is trustworthy or if he maliciously tried to deceive me knowing what my weaknesses were. I have done a lot of my own work to try to reach a point of trusting him (I was getting so close) and got myself to a point of being more vulnerable with him and then boom, I'm hit with this. I feel like I don't know what was real and what was fake anymore. This is very difficult because, despite what he thought, I was hoping to stay with him. I cared for him, felt safe with him, found him very attractive and my needs were met by him. Part of me thinks, I should've told him that more to ease his insecurity but I think if he is the type of man who could lie to me for so long like this, then it wouldn't have lasted anyway. I had worried that the past was not just the past but I chose to give him a chance and find out. I know I deserve better but I am not looking forward to dating anyone else. How did he live like this and not feel guilty? How did he stomach sleeping with one of us and then the other one the next night (I was supposed to come the next day)? Or even the same day? Does he regret or feel guilty now? Is he at all suffering like I am? Does he care how much pain he is causing me? I don't know if he's a narcissist who doesn't care or if he is at all disgusted by what he's done, but I have not even gotten an apology once. An apology would mean a lot to me but instead he let me walk away and hasn't bothered to send an apology either. I don't know if he'll miss me, continue with the other woman, or just move on and do this again. I know I can't be with him after this but I'm in a lot of pain. I've had a lot of loss over the past 6 months and did not want to lose him too. What happened to me feels like a movie, my worst nightmare and something I would never be able to handle. P.S. I already have a therapist that I speak with.

23 comments posted: Wednesday, June 21st, 2023