I see you registered Nov, 22. Is that near Dday? If so, then it sounds as if you two are still in your first year. For what it's worth, for me, that first year was hell, full of ups and downs. The second year was worse, it was only downs. Like you, I was doing my best to become a better partner, going to therapy, reading book after book, became a regular on SI, did couples weekends, you name it. There were so many times that she'd look at me, and was disgusted by me, like I was made of slime. So just know that you are not alone in this.
(Just to be clear, my wife was not controlling and unwilling to talk like your husband is. In fact, she was the complete opposite and tried her hardest to help me heal from my own trauma so that I could get to a place where I could love myself. Unfortunately, while it did ultimately help me, it took its toll on her. I was a slow learner at this. It took me years to fully get myself out of "wayward thinking" and back to a healthier mindset.)
Post-infidelity sucks, and unfortunately for everyone involved, it's a direct outcome of our own actions, so it can feel kinda selfish to even complain, because often it feels like a jail sentence. As the others here have wisely said, that's not what R is about. But they also said that everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. That's where things get tough. Every piece of advice that I could possibly offer you will begin with the words, "Talk to your spouse about...", however, if he's not willing or able to talk, then that path of healing is blocked for both of you for now. Only you can decide how long to tolerate his choices. My wife waited 3-4 painful years, but in the end, things are turning out better. We talk a lot more, we don't fight, we can talk about the affair easily now. It CAN get better. But it really does take a lot of time and effort (and courage and resilience) to R. More than that, it takes two people.
This leaves you with only one option then, which is to continue to work on yourself. You need to do this regardless of your spouse's choice to R or D (or no choice at all, which is a valid third option). You will need it either way. If your spouse chooses to stay and work on the marriage, then you will need to become a safer partner in order for R to even have a chance to occur. And if he leaves, then you will need the skills and fortitude to move forward on your own, on a new path, and if that path is to be a happier one, then you need to start with a happier, more capable you. Bulcy was talking about starting an "accountability group", you might want to discuss that?
One last thing. Like the others, I am a little concerned about his vigilance over his phone. I get the social media fear and why he doesn't want you there. And I understand that from his viewpoint, he wasn't the one that did the awful thing, so why should he share his messages when you hid yours from him? That's understandable. But it's not R material. As unfair and shitty as it is, BS's have to take steps and make efforts to heal themselves, just as much as the WS does. They experienced a trauma of massive proportions and it destroyed their sense of trust, of love, of reality even. First, they wonder who the hell YOU are for doing this to them, then they wonder who the hell THEY are for not seeing the signs, for allowing this to happen, and so on. He can't just do nothing and hope it will go away. It usually doesn't. And it leaves the wound open to fester.
I think you need to define some level of detachment in order to protect yourself. Talk to your IC about this, and the BS's on this site could actually tell you a LOT about it. The idea is to enable you to support him, but not go down his rabbit hole with him in the process. It's like sending a check to Sara Mclachlan to save a shelter animal. You care, you offer support (but no more than you are capable of), but that's it. You don't go to the shelter and raise the dog there.
Good luck. Find a safe group of friends and a hobby you can do that doesn't trigger your spouse, and work on you for a while. Hopefully, when he sees you improving, it might inspire him to do the same.