Newest Member: JM333

kccalifornia

Reality check

Hi!

Sometimes when I come back to read, it’s a reality check. Sometimes these posts are so helpful.

Right now I’m full of resent. I’m frustrated. I’m paranoid. I’m trying to shut off the snarky comments running out of my mouth or going through my head.

I came here to post about how my husband wont use social media next to me and how he calls me a child when I look at him while he’s on his phone. He won’t leave his phone unattended, even to take a shower. I am paranoid and I’m afraid. I’m not allowed any reassurance because of what I’ve done to him.

Anyways, I originally came to vent how I’m full of resent that I am still not allowed to have social media. No discussion, no reasoning, no negotiation or boundary setting, no talk whatsoever about it.

Then I start reading here again and I’m reminded again of what my husband has gone through by me. He doesn’t ever want to talk about my cheating or lying. He goes in full silent mode when he’s upset and I’m not supposed to talk to him. Now, I barely bring it up. He just doesn’t want to talk about it and pushing him just makes it worse.

Anyways, when I come back here it helps refresh what is most important. These small things are nothing compared to the big lies and betrayals I’ve brought into our lives.

40 comments posted: Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Realizing that I am no good for him

Hello,

I've been working towards reconciliation since about 1/2020. It's been a non stop roller coaster relationship these last few years. We will have a good few weeks but then something will happen (a trigger, reminder, movie, song, work frustration, etc) and it will bring us back to the first day again. I've realized that I've ruined the relationship we had and this is our "new" relationship. I always hold on to the hope that it will get better and we will make it through this, but the reality is that this may be the pattern of our future together.

I've come to realize that I am no good for him. He deserves better than what I have given him. I will always be a source of pain in his life. I will always be a reminder of the lies and betrayals. No matter how hard I try moving forward to contribute to his happiness, it will always be tainted with my past decisions. We both come from broken family relationships and have always wanted a healthy happy marriage. Not to say what we had was perfect before I cheated but that was nothing compared to the unhealthy broken marriage we have now. My actions have derailed both of our lives and in the end it was all for unresolved personal problems from childhood and my avoidance issues. I've ruined a good man and I hate myself for it. When he's upset with what I have done, he doesn't talk to me. So I don't want to assume, but I assume. I assume he's pissed and upset on my choices. He's disappointed that I am not someone who I portrayed myself as. He's pissed that he's with someone like me. He's disgusted with me as a person and with my choices. He's pissed that he's with someone he can't trust. He's mad at himself for still being married to me. He hates me. He's pissed that he's with the prude person and the other man got the sexy person. He's probably dealing with a constant internal battle. I have broken the marriage contract. I have devalued his morals and haven't done what's right. He has every right to be upset in every way possible.

I have been in therapy since he's found out. I've been trying to work on everything that led me to be the person I have been. I've made a lot of progress, mostly in self awareness and personal boundary setting.

But I'm starting to realize that his resent and anger for me will never go away. Even if we survive another 5, 10, 15, 20 years, he will always regret marrying me. He will always feel that pain. He will always see the person who would lie and cheat.

This is something I have to work through and figure out what to do. As much as I want a future and relationship with him, it may not be what's best for him. I think I'm holding him back from being truly happy.

26 comments posted: Sunday, February 12th, 2023

Wish I knew then what I know now

I wish I knew then what I know now.
I could have saved so much heartache and pain. Everything could be so different right now.
My choices have ruined everything and hurt the most important person in my life.

I wish I knew how much pain I would cause someone. I wish I knew how much damage I would cause. I wish somebody smacked me and asked me what I was doing. I wish I was smart enough to read a marriage book or dig deeper in therapy before. I wish I questioned myself harder on choices. I wish I thought more of him than myself. I was so selfish, so full of resent,

Now I have no choice but to accept the consequences of my choices. It doesn't matter how much I try to fix myself and work on the marriage, it will never be the same.

Why don't they show you the real consequences in the books? Why don't they show you the pain the movies or TV shows? Do you know how many Greys anatomy episodes I have watched with cheating or lying????

I wish I read the Gottman 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work, or Attached, or The Divorce Remedy, or any books about relationships or cheating before I even considered putting myself in the position to cheat.

I swear I am going to send a copy of Gottman to each newly engaged couple I am friends with.

5 comments posted: Sunday, November 27th, 2022

Caught in another lie

How can I feel like I am making personal progress and then slip up? I'm so mad at myself.

The other night I got caught in a lie. I got questioned and I tried to hide my action. He said he knew I was lying and then I immediately tried to own it. That I lied and fessed to what I was doing. I apologized and gave him space. I talked to my therapist about it a few days later.

The lie was over porn watching. He watched me through the bedroom window. He then questioned me about it once inside but I tried to hide it at first. (I don't have a porn or sex addiction- I hardly ever watch porn and I used to give him a hard time about it).

This is just another case in the fact that he will never trust me. That what little credibility I did have just went out the window. That when I think I am making progress on being an honest, confident, open person, I just prove myself wrong. He deserves somebody better.

So I talked to my therapist. My lies are based on shame. If I am honest, if I expose the real me, nobody will like me. I don't really lie to others mostly my husband. I was raised to lie about things from my childhood. I've learned to hide things that I am ashamed of. If the one person I love and want to love me knows the true me, he probably won't like me.

I'm so mad at myself for not using this opportunity to be upfront on what I was doing, for not doing the right thing, for not proving that I have really changed.

10 comments posted: Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Actions

Hi,

I’m the WS and I need advice on how to help him and the relationship. Original DD 12/2019. Were still in a loop of love and hate.

What other actions can I do to help him with what I have put him through?

Here’s what I have been doing.

-IC since 1/2020

-deleted all social media accounts

-timelines given

-all passwords provided for accounts

-gps location shared 24/7

-check in multiple times per day at work

-communicate when I am leaving work

-honesty

-apologize in as many ways as I possibly can

-support financially while he starts new career

-bring it up and check in on him multiple times per week

-ask for what he needs

-much better boundaries, strict boundaries towards members of opposite sex

-offered to take polygraph

-offered to pay for MC or IC for him

Im sure there’s more that I’m missing off the top of my head right now. I feel stuck with what I should do to help him feel safe and help him through this. The longer it has been, the more I feel like he’s distancing, and more mad he’s getting. He won’t tell me what he needs.

What did you guys do that has helped? Im not trying to be manipulative or have control. I just want to make sure I am doing the right things because he says nothing has changed.

40 comments posted: Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Remorse and Self Care

I’m worried on my journey to fix myself that it just shows that I don’t care. That when I take a hike or do something by myself to take care of myself, it shows him that I don’t care about him.

I’m truly sorry and feel bad for what I have done. I hate what I have done to him, constantly worry how he is doing and what he is going through, and try my best to show that towards him.

This is especially hard when he’s triggered, mad, and/or hates my guts.

Have any of experienced this when trying to reconcile?

18 comments posted: Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

It's almost been 3 years and it feels like nothing has changed

Hello.
My DD for my affair was in 12/2019. He found out through searching my internet history and google maps history instead of me telling him myself. His searching opened up many other things that I have hidden from him that showed that I am a hypocrite. Since he has found this out, I have been honest with him. Since then, I have been in therapy trying to navigate everything. At first I tried to explain what I was learning through therapy and refleciton. I was open and honest about who I was trying to be friends with at work. My affair was with an ex-coworker after I transferred to a new department. The affair itself lasted about 2 months and the most physical it got was 1 kiss in the beginning. That 1 kiss, the move he made, triggered the 2 month long weird relationship that I was in. It ended after spending 45 minutes together in a public setting outside of work (which is where the other contact was made). Hanging out with him outside of work made things weird and put things into a perspective for me. Since nothing else happened and it didn't go anywhere, I justified it and wanted to forget it ever happened. I never put much reflection into my actions and patterns until I was busted. Other things have come to light that have made me such a hypocrite. I held him on such a short leash with anxiety and control, afraid that he was going to do something to me, while I was crossing boundaries that I would never want him to cross.

So since I've been busted, I've been on this journey to try to fix things. I want to be in this relationship and I want to be married to this man. I started being honest, trying to explain when he wanted to talk, trying to be there for him, giving him my passwords, deleting all social media accounts, giving him GPS location on my phone, checking in constantly, not spending much time. with anyone else. A few months after he discovered this, I gave my number to 2 guys at work. I did not view them as a threat but instead of saying no, I said yes. I then felt guilty about my actions and tried to hide it. I was busted again and all the credibility I was working on was lost again.

I have apologized thousands and thousands of times. He refuses to do any counseling, both marriage and individual. He to this day doesn't believe what I say happened. He's mad when I bring it up and he's mad when I don't bring it up. He thinks I'm going to forget and just pretend everything is fine. We don't talk things through. It's always insults and accusations. Everything he wants to talk about is based on my actions and then I'm told to fuck off with barely getting any words in. Usually, I just try to accept what he is saying and be there for him. Sometimes, I can't take it and have to talk back (which I know is counterproductive) but I feel like I have to fight to explain the truths.

We're in this loop of good and bad. The good days are nice where we can talk about future things and plans. We can enjoy our time together. But I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, like at anytime, anything said, heard, or seen may trigger him and change everything. I feel guarded and cautious all the time. Then something triggers him and every ounce of love is gone. When I try to talk to him about moving forward or what I can do to help earn any sort of trust, he tells me its not his problem. He tells me that I put us in this position and I need to figure out how to fix it.

When he's triggered or upset with me, he tells me he's done. He wants a divorce. He wants to throw me in the trash. He tells me to drive my car into a tree or smash my face in the mirror. He calls me bad names. He tells me to fuck off. He says we're just wasting our time. He will then go silent and give me the silent treatment for days and usually sleeps on the couch. No communication and I'm invisible.

So I give him space and hope that he comes back around and we might have a good day again. It's a vicious loop. And every time he does this, I am afraid that it might actually be the end, that he might actually mean it and that I might be losing him.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. It's been 3 years. Shouldn't there be movement towards more good than bad? How do you talk about buying a house and moving with someone and then one argument and you say you want a divorce?? When there is a decision that needs to be made that affects both of us that should be talked about but you are not open to communicating at all whatsoever, what am I supposed to do? It's like our life is on hold most of the month.

I'm reading so far into everything. He's hurt and confused or He's punishing me? He uses the silent treatment as punishment. Does he love me or does he hate me? Am I not showing the right amount remorse? Am I not saying he right things? Am I not showing him love? I just don't know what to do anymore.

I keep reading that reconciliation has to take place on both parts. Am I just blind to it? Is being here in the house and still married a form of conciliation?

I think I am going crazy. I'm told to fix this situation but I don't know what to do.

18 comments posted: Thursday, November 10th, 2022

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