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To those who stayed

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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 3:05 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

How did you stay? My WH was texting a mutual friend 5 years ago. She was smart enough to blow him off. Not his first betrayal. I know he is not doing anything now or since then, but I talk to him like I am his Mom all the time now. I still check his phone, location, etc all the time. I am embarrassed by my behavior but I cant seem to stop. He works out of state for 3 months out of the year. I just cant seem to stop watching over him like a mother hen. I never would want anyone to feel this kind of pain he dealt me. I know he is not doing anything wrong now. I have uncanny spider senses. How do you go on and make it work? How did you stop mothering them? I am stuck. How do you quench those feelings?

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 3:06 AM, Wednesday, May 17th]

BW 50(me)WH 50DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 359   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 8791167
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:45 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I did this hyper vigilance the first year into R. I made it very clear that if she wants this M or R, she has to be all in. I will not play M police. I won't say that I trust her because I'm always aware what she's capable of, but I trust my gut and will never ignore it again.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3458   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8791171
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Nanatwo ( member #45274) posted at 5:20 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

When we first began to R - I was in hyper sleuth mode. Constantly checking his phone, I would sneak out of work so I could go to his place of work to make sure he was there. His cell phone is also his work phone - so there were always a lot of numbers on there I didn't know. I knew the ow's number - he said he deleted it - but she could have just changed it. After a few weeks I felt all the surveillance was just making me feel worse. I knew if he wanted to contact her he could use a burner phone - or his office phone to call her and I would have no records. Was making myself crazy. Then someone suggested I put a var in his car or at his office. That was when I decided to that I was no longer going to police him. I told my self that if he really wants to cheat - he will find away - I couldn't keep him from cheating if he really wanted to.

I told him I was going to stop treating him like I was his mother. That the truth would come out one way or another. He believed this because it was our son who told me who the ow was when he wouldn't (but that's another story).

So what did I do - I listened to his words and I watched his actions - and they were always in sync. It wasn't easy at first - had a hard time trusting him - but the longer time went by and his words matched his actions I began relax and not feel the need to keep him under constant surveillance.

How did I Quench this feeling? By having trust in my gut feelings and telling myself what's the worst thing that could happen if he cheats again. Of course, I would be hurt - but then I would still have my friends and my very supportive sister and two great kids.

Just wouldn't have a lying, cheating asshole in my life!

Time heals what reason cannot. Seneca

First the truth. Then, maybe, reconciliation. Louise Penny

posts: 618   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2014   ·   location: Indiana
id 8791177
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:31 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

A history of cheating? Not his first betrayal? Works out of state for three months? DD1 2013, DD2 2014, DD3 2018, DD4…

Yeah, I’d have a problem with that too. I’d be hyper vigilant also. Can he get into a different job situation? How did you get through R with these long absences? That must have been absolute torture. Did his previous A’s happen while away at work?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:39 AM, Wednesday, May 17th]

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8791187
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 6:01 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

He works in a very specialized market. He has to travel no matter what. It is seasonal work amd while he is here most of the time he cant be during the summer. I think maybe it is a huge trigger for me when he leaves. I used to be in the same industry but am not now due to covid closures. I was able to travel with him but not now. I do fly every week to see him and my son, but its not the same as being there full time. Yes almost everything happened when he was out of town. Or I was where he works and he had to come home for an emergency at our house, like ac problems, water leaks, etc. I just dont know how to treat him as an equal and not a child. I trigger bad when this part of the year rolls around. How do you not treat them like a child?

BW 50(me)WH 50DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 359   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 8791351
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 6:02 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

He works in a very specialized market. He has to travel no matter what. It is seasonal work amd while he is here most of the time he cant be during the summer. I think maybe it is a huge trigger for me when he leaves. I used to be in the same industry but am not now due to covid closures. I was able to travel with him but not now. I do fly every week to see him and my son, but its not the same as being there full time. Yes almost everything happened when he was out of town. Or I was where he works and he had to come home for an emergency at our house, like ac problems, water leaks, etc. I just dont know how to treat him as an equal and not a child. I trigger bad when this part of the year rolls around. How do you not treat them like a child?

BW 50(me)WH 50DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 359   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 8791352
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:36 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

What has he been doing to repair the damage he’s done to your marriage through his serial cheating? What consequences has he faced for his repeated infidelities and what did he learn from those experiences? What efforts has he made to regain your trust?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791357
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:49 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater. They usually get better and better at hiding their tracks.

He's working away from the home, honestly there's no way you can be certain he isn't cheating again.

Is he accountable for his whereabouts? Do you have access to his phone, emails, banking records, etc?

What is HE doing to help you feel safe?

posts: 12158   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8791364
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 heartbrokeninaz (original poster member #40779) posted at 4:19 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Yes I have access to all those things. I just cant seem to not mother him. I am a mean angry person. He has been working really hard but we still have a hard time communicating about things. He will tell me something but I take it as different then what he is trying to tell me. For instance he said he was having trouble sleeping and was thinking about trying hemp gummies. He bought some and I found them in his medicine cabinet and accused him of lying to me. How do I stop this crazy thinking? I am beside myself when he leaves even though my child is there with him. Ugh..

BW 50(me)WH 50DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 359   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 8792277
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 9:27 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Heartbroken - That is am absolutely awful way for you to have to live. Have you considered that you may have to seriously think about ending the relationship, so that your mental health can fully recover? How can you expect to live with that worry of what he's doing, for the rest of your life? Even if he never does anything wrong again, you can never fully believe that as it's impossible to know. You'll never get the peace of mind you're craving 😔❤️❤️

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792286
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 12:13 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

I'm so sorry, heartbroken.

What you're describing sounds like PTSD. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk? If not, I highly recommend it. He writes about how trauma and hypervigilance rewire the brain and how conventional talk therapy is ineffective at overcoming it. It was a game changing book for my H.

WW/BW

posts: 3629   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8792294
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Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 2:19 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

heartbrokeninaz, I'm sorry to hear your pain. I understand exactly what your going through I was in MC and told him I can't keep doing this for ever but I don't see myself letting go. I check his phone his GPS I ask him why he is on his cell phone. It is a hard thing to get over it's been almost a year for me and I'm still so unsure of him and what he did to me. So I definitely understand I am going to read the book that was suggested myself hopefully it helps us both. Affairs are the worst trauma I'm still coping with this everyday struggle of getting out of my own head and not think about every little thing he does or say is about what he did. I hope it gets better for you as with time I hear helps.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8792309
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

So crazy to see this thread this morning.

For some reason I don’t understand, I have been reading old SI journal posts this morning, and I am hyper wired. 17 years later.

Then I see this.

With questions like yours (and mine) I think all we can ever have is the Serenity Prayer. It’s all about wisdom, courage, and serenity.

I have tons of regret, which doesn’t help at all.

Regret that I married a man with impaired integrity.

That my sex life was forever robbed from me.

That this latest portion of my life has been wasted.

Etc . Etc. Etc.

But I am responsible for a lot of that. Not his infidelity, but my response to it.

My prayer for you is that you leave the relationship, or find peace in staying. I don’t know of any other healthy alternatives.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:23 PM, Wednesday, May 24th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8792310
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

What work has he done to become a safe partner..exactly?

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792344
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 6:05 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

There is no simple answer. Trust, once broken, is impaired in same way forever.

You have two choices: decide that staying married to this man will mean a life of hypervigilance and suspicion and therefore you can't stay married to him. Only you can answer if you see yourself ever stopping and relaxing back into your marriage. If you are really honest with yourself and the answer is no, then time is up on this marriage.

The second choice is to work on your own strength and healing. Like others have said, at some point they had to realize that they were not actually in control of their spouse and no amount of checking, asking, checking again was going to change that fact. Instead, they grew their own strength knowing what whatever their spouse did, they would be ok. They didn't extend trust per se, but rather extended themselves grace and healing.

So, focus on you. Get into IC to deal with the trauma. Read books on self healing. Take steps to financially protect yourself or improve your independence so that you feel empowered to deal with whatever comes next. Healing the trauma will allow you to calm and trust your instincts better. Building up your independence will give you the strength you need to act when or if someone betrays you again.

posts: 607   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8792485
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