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General :
Creeping Dread

Topic is Sleeping.

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 10:11 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

in regards to snap chat---- I may be wrong.
She's an iphone user unfortunately.... But i think you can use snapchat filters directly from the iphone camera regardless of if you are signed in.

so if she has the snapchat app downloaded, but only uses her iphone camera---- this could be an area where my growing paranoia is creating fear and doubt.

Her phone is less than two months old---so it's also possible she still has access to her old phone number (european) or maybe there's an alternate method to MFA via email.

Only way I can be certain is to check her phone I guess.

But still, this pales in comparison to parking in a hotel for a few hours and telling me you went to post office... so either way, does it matter beyond additional avenues to explore

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791310

Greto ( member #80904) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

With iPhones, can you get access to her app store or iTunes, whatever it is. Google play store will show you all the apps you have ever installed. It is where I seen some unsavory apps on my WH account (all prior to us meeting but still makes one give the side eye).

It seems odd if she never used snapchat for the icon to look just like her.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Sandusky, Ohio
id 8791312

TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 11:26 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I'm not a techno but if you get access to her phone, under settings there is a selection for "screen time." It will show most frequently used apps and the amount of time spent on them.

Itunes can show purchased apps but if it does more I have no idea as I never use it even though I have an Apple phone. To get into Itunes however you'd need her apple ID and PW.

I'm really not following her claim that she doesn't have snapchat. She clearly does. Again, the screen time info might tell you if she's using it (it will only show top 8 or so apps.

Common cheater tactic is to install and app, use it, then uninstall it. Over and over again. So you might not see the app on her phone at some random time. Check screen time.

Also, if she has an Ipad, you can sync her phone to the Ipad which will show you pretty much real time what she is up to.

Check your phone bills for repeat numbers.

posts: 585   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8791319

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 12:42 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Check Battery Use under Settings>Battery then scroll down to "Activity" then change to "Usage" and it will show you how much time she spends on each App.

Screen Time will actually show you what time of day she uses each App.

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8791326

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

So i started waffling in my thoughts the last day or so...
Checked the itinerary and noticed there was a shipping store right next to where she had been shopping which could explain the "post office." Her job often requires her to arrange meetings in conference rooms at hotels and what not, so I decided that when she told me she had to go back to work to help scheduling a meeting, figured maybe thats why she was at the hotel, and maybe it was all work related after all.

She's been so nice to me.

This morning she told me a female coworker was quitting and she wanted to go out for a drink after work for some margaritas.
I joked that it sounded like a date. She got very upset and told me not to destroy her mood.

She said she'd work till 5pm and go out for a bit.

It's now 4pm, and she's just arrived at the hotel again.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791507

Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 12:37 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Any chance you can go to the hotel and either get a look or confront her if she comes out with a guy?

Just realized you are out of town. Sorry for the misstep.

[This message edited by Unsure2019 at 12:52 AM, Friday, May 19th]

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8791514

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

My friend. Stop torturing yourself. Previously, I recommended that you have an adult conversation with your wife to address your questions/concerns. Talk to your wife. One of the many reasons marriages have issues is poor communication, which if an A occurs, the betrayed partner is not responsible for the A but is 50 percent responsible for the breakdown in communication.

If you need help in how to structure a potential conversation I would recommend you go to IC. Or, you can tell your wife you love her, are extremely happy in your marriage, but to make it even better you would like for the both of you to go to MC.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8791516

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 12:51 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023


I'm away on a business trip this week.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791519

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Yes, but you have been on this train of thought from the get go.

So I’ll put it like this: when you get back from your business trip to me you have three options: 1. Continue your investigation 2. Have a conversation 3. A combination of 1 and 2.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8791521

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 1:50 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I'm going to have to confront her this weekend.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791523

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:33 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Update with additional information and commentary .

I know you guys can be brutally honest. I can take it. I know I make mistakes.

Today wife left work at 2:45 and went what shopping at tjmaxx and/or ross.

she texted me 3:56 apologizing for forgetting to turn off the AC. and that she was still at work until around 5pm, but she was going out for margarita's with friend after work.

I joked that she had a date. she got mad and told me not to destroy her good mood.

she arrived at the hotel at 4:18

I called at 4:30, knowing full well where she was. she declined the call and immediately texted me that she was on the phone with her boss.

I texted to call me when she could, and she immediately responded with "did something happen?"

i responded that I was thinking of changing flight home since i finished all my work on business trip already.

I asked if she was still in office, which she only responded that she would be happy to see me.

I texted her the following:

"Show me my cactus i got you, is it happy?" (this is mothers day gift she has at her desk)

"U have to wait" 4:35 pm

*sends picture of plant 4:36 pm*

"Anything else? Are you checking on me?"

Note--- she has a history of demanding photo proof when i am on business trips, including time stamps... in the past it was all in good fun between us, we knew it was teasing

I responded " Love you babe (kissy face emoji)"

she responds with Kkk (kiss kiss kiss)

4:43pm she texts

"I lied, I'm at red lobster" *car is still parked in hotel parking lot near front entrance. there is a red lobster within walking distance, but has it's own seperate parking lot*

"Plant photo was sent by my coworker"

'I'm waiting to meet friend"

"I feel bad that I lied, but i don;t want you to judge that i left work 20 minutes earlier" (she left work at 2:45.... not 4:10)

I respond that thats a silly thing to lie about to me, but i'll not pretend to understand her mindset.

Leaves hotel at 6:10 PM and calls me... I'm on the phone with family friend and professional counselor. I decline her call. and text i'm on phone with boss.

she says it's unusual and demands proof.

*change name in contacts, screenshot, send proof I'm talking to boss.

she texts that her coworkers are laughing at her about situation, and that they told her I am controlling and abusing her"

I call her back... she explains how she tried to defend me, but her 4? coworkers all told her what i did was out of line and unreasonable and that it was abus ive and made fun of her and me.

*note* in this case, i am 100% certain that AP was frustrated that i disrupted their time, possibly anry that I upset and panicked my wife, and ruined their time, and told her what i was doing was intrusive and abusive, and it's now them against me.

... classic AP tactic.

we talk about other things, dinner plans, etc. she's mad but friendly. tells me she wants some time and she'll call me later before bed "I love you, bye bye", she says

she's home by 7pm

I went to gym ran 4 miles and didn't feel anything. I an now down almost 30 lbs from 6 weeks ago.

she texts me "i'm going to bed goodnight love"

[This message edited by swoned at 6:39 AM, Friday, May 19th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791539

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:44 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

so i think i have enough to confront her.

But i don't have enough to overwhelimgly confront her.

I still don't know who it is, when it started, and how far it's progressed.

But i assume the following:

AP has availability on Tues and Thurs, but only limited window. He likely has a family he has to return to.

AP has financial means to drop several hundred dollars a time to get a room.

AP can't host at his home, due to family situation.

Hotel is nearbye work
AP is likely coworker--- probably financially sound boss or other executive... my wife is very materialistic.
don't think it's a gym bro at this time

So do I wait a week, to see if a tues/thurs schedule remains, even if I am home from business trip?

do i confront immediately?

how do i confront without accusing of affair and sending into flight or fight mode and trickle truth, gaslight hell?

I have an old friend that lives several miles away... and is willing to drop in for surveillance if it happens again.

i know this is a lot of extremely detailed info... some of you might tell me to be more careful, and you may be right...

But honestly... i don't really care if she finds it. shits already f*cked. at home, i do access this site from incognito, however.

[This message edited by swoned at 6:45 AM, Friday, May 19th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791540

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:52 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

and how do I implement a 180 on a wife that is following the cheaters handbook in all areas except.... that she is still extremely loving towards me and requires attention constantly (on her terms)

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791542

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 7:57 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

How did you know she left work at 2.45??

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8791543

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:21 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Swooned, I don’t know. It sounds like, from what you described, that there’s still some very plausible explanations. The hotel commonly used for work related stuff. The shipping store. When she said she had to return to work to clear up a scheduling matter, would it make sense for her to go to the hotel to clear up the matter? The 2.5 hour hotel stay was your biggest clue and then in a later post you explained that all away.

It seems that you’re very anxious, which is understandable with you being so far from home and with your recent history with infidelity, so anxious that your investigatory actions are getting frantic and sloppy and, you’re losing objectivity.

You texted and called her waaay too much. If she was cheating, you certainly tipped her off that you’re heavily surveilling and suspicious causing her to reinforce her op sec, devise counter measures, take the affair underground and/or put affair activity on a hold which will now make it harder for you to figure things out. If she isn’t cheating you just look clingy, controlling and paranoid.

If you don’t start employing more discretion, you’re going to foul up your investigation or foul up a good marriage.

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8791544

RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 8:49 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Personally I would not confront yet.

If this was me I'd fabricate another work trip in a couple of weeks leaving Tuesday morning and returning Friday morning. Then I'd hire a PI or, if the cost is too restrictive, a clise friend that she is unlikely to recognise to track her for those days and sit back.

Keep doing what you would normally do and monitor for a bit longer.

As someone has already said, you're getting sloppy and could force this underground.

Personally hoping this is not what it looks like.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8791545

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:52 AM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I think you should sit her down. Tell her you’re sorry you’ve been acting a bit off lately, but that her recent activities have triggered you going back to when your x wife cheated.

I know you love me and would never cheat, not only because you love me, and I totally trust you, but also because you know how devastating the prior betrayal was and how it affected me.

I know you’re not cheating, and never would in a million years. However, if you ever did cheat on me it would be no questions divorce, immediately. And, if I ever cheated, which I never would, I would expect you to immediately D me as well.

Gauge her reaction. If it all seems in order I would very, very discreetly keep monitoring her for a bit. Maybe use your friend or a PI. However, you need to stop tipping her off with your behavior. If she’s actually cheating, to catch her, she needs to feel totally comfortable in her current actions.

If she is was cheating, this conversation might stop it in its tracks. If she was cheating, it would be a cake eating A it would appear. You wouldn’t know for sure, but your M will continue and your life will return to normal. Moving forward, there will be times that you can reinforce your ironclad policy on cheating and Divorce, when watching a TV show with infidelity, celebrities and politicians who cheat, colleagues/friends/family who are experiencing infidelity.

Bottom line, your wife needs to completely understand the ramifications of cheating - Divorce and scorched earth. However, you get the point across subtlety, as oh by the ways, etc.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8791554

 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 1:18 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

you all are right.
regardless of what is truth and what is paranoia, confrontation or not--- my behavior has shifted and she's picked up on it.
This can only lead to bad things.
I need to be a calm stoic rock, and i am failing.

today is my last day of business trip. i'm flying home this evening.
I don't expect anything to happen today, as she work s a second job on friday evenings. I won;t see her until late.
But i'll not be so texty today and moving forward.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791569

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I'm so sorry.

Get your friend to do the surveillance if possible. IF not, ask for her phone when you get home. She is definitely on to you.

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
6+ years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 2026   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8791701

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Having her coworker send her a pic of the cactus, as a way to prove she was in the office is sneaky af. I think she admitted to it because she was worried you would know she wasn't actually in the office.

She's also bad mouthing you to her coworkers.

I don't think you should confront until you have hard evidence. I know some members are telling you to just talk to her..but..I'm sorry,what? When was the last time a possible BS had a nice little chat with their possible ws, and the ws admitted to cheating? Close to never. All you will get are excuses..saying you're controlling(as she already is), and threats.

Hire a PI.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791706
Topic is Sleeping.
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