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General :
Creeping Dread

Topic is Sleeping.
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 9:06 AM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Wife is still protective of phone--- she still exits out of her apps and turns screen off if I come near...
Still don't know the truth of the two hotel visits.... still think it's something but this week has been better, overall.

I have not confronted.

You don't need me to tell you this is a massive red flag. Everything on iPhone is backed up to iCloud, if you have access to it you will have some level of clarity. She should not be hiding her phone or be secretive with passcodes/passwords, she knows how your last marriage ended so this is even more shady and disrespectful behaviour.

Well done for achieving those milestones with your health, keep going.

From where I sit I am convinced she knows you are suspicious and has either toned down interactions with the AP or has taken it deeper underground.

If something is going on, as we all suspect it is, she will get careless, particularly if she is going away for a few weeks so a hookup may be imminent before she goes. Give her the opportunity to get sloppy, go on another few day work trip and hire that PI or ask a close friend to watch.

With regard to her trip, have you decided to go on the trip with her? If not is there a risk that this suspected AP may travel to the same area knowing you are not there?

Keep us updated Swoned.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8793057
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 4:50 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

You need to put a var(voice activated recorder) in her car. This will cut down on the time it takes to get proof. I’ll bet not more than two or three days.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8793246
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:13 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

Am I clear in that,she claims to have never had a snapchat account,yet you have seen it on her phone?

If so..then she's a liar.

Many ws do change their behavior towards their spouse,during an affair. But,many don't. That she wants a lot of attention,physical and otherwise, could just mean she likes a lot of attention from the men in her life.

I agree with the var. Put one in her car,under the driver's seat, secured with heavy duty velcro.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8793250
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 3:29 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

How are things with you Swoned?

Hoping you've had no more reason to suspect and that life is treating you well.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8796095
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

This thread is to me a schoolbook example of what happens when you only investigate to prove a predetrermined conclusion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:11 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8796113
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

Hi everyone.

Wife leaves this week out of the country for a few weeks.

I'm not really concerned about a potential AP travelling with her, since she will be with family primarilly, and to put it not too vaguely, will be in a country currently at war.

I will not be travelling with her, since I have some work obligations myself these next few weeks.

As an update. There has been only a few suspicious events.

She has no itinerary deviations these last few weeks. She's rarely not been where I was expecting.. Work, Shopping, Gym, Home.

She had one "late night at work".... but I saw she wasn't at work.... she was shopping. And she always "accidentally" uses my credit card to pay for things so I knew she'd made a purchase, then called me to tell me she just got off work and was coming home.

Our relationship otherwise seems to have improved in almost every way. I think she's very pleased with the changes I've been making for myself. And I think a large part of this is how much more fit I've become. I've lost a ton of weight, and frankly, look better than I have since probably when we first met. The funny thing is, it's also been impossible to not notice how other women are treating me now as well. This has all led to some drastic increases in my self confidence and the way in which I carry myself--- which in turns leads to more attraction from, well, everyone.

Snapchat.... this is a problem. It's a big problem.

So first she told me she doesn't have snapchat--- I told her I added her, as I related previously, and she told me her daughter must be uying it, since she doesn;t have it. She then pretended to download and "recover her account" and then refused to add me, saying she wasn't interested in it.

But I keep an eye on it, and have two occasions where she had a snapchat story active. I can't see it, because we're not friends, but I can see that it exists. But ok, whatever, there's been nothing else, and I was just planning to deal with it.

Until Saturday.... I checked snapchat while we were at the pool, and her name doesn't show up anymore. I can't find her, it's like she doesn't exist. Well, i'm not a f*cking moron. I immediately created a new account, and yep, sure thing, there she is again. So My wife, who doesn't use snapchat, who isn't interested in snapchat, who mysteriously has stories on snapchat (not often, but they are there), and who lied to me telling me her daughter was using the snapchat account--- has decided to take the time and energy to block me on snapchat.

There is something on snapchat she doesn't want me to see or know about.

[This message edited by swoned at 6:04 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796118
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

.

This thread is to me a schoolbook example of what happens when you only investigate to prove a predetrermined conclusion.

I value this input, and I am also aware and have thought about this often.

I think my prediction right now would be that my wife has been participating in external validation that she is still hiding from me. I think this is ongoing but has dwindled some as our relationship has improved and her attitude towards "us" improves.

I am LESS worried now than I was two months ago-- but there are secrets, for sure.

[This message edited by swoned at 6:09 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796120
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:17 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

I have to pre-emptively add...

Although I am less worried, I am still vigilant.
But I also am feeling that i don't want to be, or need to be, in super slueth mode--- I would rather focus on continued self improvement, which has been much more fun for me.

I think the truth will come out, and I don't at the moment feel any need to force it, or make a premature confrontation--- which history shows here is devestating

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796131
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

I think my prediction right now would be that my wife has been participating in external validation that she is still hiding from me. I think this is ongoing but has dwindled some as our relationship has improved and her attitude towards "us" improves.

A more likely reason is she now that she knows you are on to her she's being more careful of her activities. She's still protective of her phone. She has a snapchat account that she denies. How much more proof do you need? You mentioned hotels. That's not just random flirtation to pump up her ego. At this point I would be in assume the worst mode and just be working my exit plan.

posts: 1568   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8796133
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

Snapchat.... this is a problem. It's a big problem

.

Yep, Snapchat is cheaters paradise and for her to deny she has it, clearly has conversations on it and then blocks you is, in my opinion, clear evidence that she is up to no good.

How do you solve this? Unless you can get into her Snapchat account, secretly, you can't, and I think she knows this too.

All you can do is keep watching her account for usage.

I am unsure of any way you can hack into Snapchat so it's definitely a waiting game.

Good luck and keep up the personal improvement.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8796136
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:58 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

She'll leave her phone unattended at some point. I know exactly where to look now.

I'm patient. I'm not going to franticly sniff around her fire hydrant like an excited jealous dog.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796137
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

She'll leave her phone unattended at some point. I know exactly where to look now.

I'm patient. I'm not going to franticly sniff around her fire hydrant like an excited jealous dog.

Good for you. Softly, softly, catch a monkey is the old phrase.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8796140
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

I remember when i was trying to discover my ex wife's affair, i watched her on the phone like a hawk. I tried to sneak over her shoulder to see what she was looking at... i rememeber using my own phone camera from across the room trying to zoom in on her screen.

When i look back on this, it must have been so damn obvious what i was doing and what i was feeling.

I'm not doing it with such desperation again.

I'm trying my best to be prudent, careful, and non-threatening.
And i messed up with asking about snapchat in the first place, gave up too much on that.

[This message edited by swoned at 7:07 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796141
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masti ( member #54237) posted at 7:36 AM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Why would you live like this?

Maybe when she gets back let her know that there is a difference between what you know and what she says.

Explain that having encountered infidelity once you refuse to live with it again. Lying about location, snapchats usage is unacceptable.

A deal breaker is a deal breaker, don't live in fear.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8796229
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:50 AM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Swooned

When I read through your posts I get a sense of Déjà vu.
A lot of what we share is colored by our personal experiences and I freely admit my advice on this matter is colored by my experience.
Like you I came from an infidelity-affected relationship. Ended that one and later on met my present wife. About 15 years into our marriage I was convinced she was cheating. When I posted on a site-that-was I was told that all the red flags more-or-less proved she was having an affair. In some ways a lot like some of the things you share: You share she bought new underwear – to many of us BS a red flag. That she showered with you in the room - to many of us BS a red flag. That she initiates intimacy with you - to many of us BS a red flag. Yet if she did the opposite – wear the baggy granny-undies around you, be secretive about her body and refuse you intimacy – this too would also be a big red flag.

The advice I got was split in two: There were those that suggested I try to find out what was going on, and there were those that saw proof of her infidelity in anything she did – and even in everything she didn’t do.
In a brief (and in some peoples opinion a temporary…) moment of sanity I fell back to my training and stopped looking for infidelity and started looking for what was going on.

Now – in doing so I wasn’t NOT looking for infidelity. In discovering what was going on one of the possible outcomes was that I would discover she had a harem of lovers. But by broadening my scope I discovered other things… I discovered things that were threatening my marriage, but not at infidelity-level. Things that I could address and fix, and things that we could work on and improve.
Part of that was my PTSD that I brought with me from my previous relationship. Having been cheated on I wasn’t able to "trust" my wife – who has never cheated on me – and when things were sour the only "logical" reason I could thing of was that she was cheating.
I recognized I had some PTSD related issues from events I experienced as a cop. About 17 years after leaving that career I finally got professional help, and that IC was quick to recognize that although my professional experiences had scarred me the biggest trauma and cause of PTSD was my ex-fiancé infidelity. I learned and applied coping techniques that have probably fully cured me of the PTSD (well… at least I can eat cauliflower without thinking brain-matter…)


I AM NOT STATING YOUR WIFE IS NOT CHEATING.
I am suggesting that you are grasping each and every action she does or does not do and seeing that as cheating.
I’m going to make a couple of suggestions:
Seriously consider IC for your past infidelity trauma. It took me all of 3-4 sessions to "heal".

Start investigating what is going on rather than infidelity.

Heck… I would even consider a very brave but prepared confrontation:

Affairs need communications. If it’s her boss and he’s married and/or not the top-boss and owner of a small company then they aren’t talking openly about it at the office. They will communicate where they feel safe. It wont be Snapchat because – as the name implies – it’s snaps, too short and doesn’t enable "we need to talk – he’s on to us…" sort of communications.
In probably 99 out of 100 "safe" is the car. The commute to work. The "can you talk?" place where she would call him to let him know the latest developments.
So get that VAR in her car. Test it for a day or two to ensure you are getting her convos.

Once that is in place then simply confront her.
"Wife. You know that my ex wife cheated on me and how that impacted me. There have been some things that make me worry about us and I want you to be totally 100% honest with me:
Why was your car outside The Happy Inn Motel when you told me you were at work at this date? How do I know? Not that it matters, but my friend who was there recognized the car (or whatever bull you want).
Why are you so secretive about your SnapChat? I don’t believe the excuses you have used.
Why are you spending so much time with Z?
Why is x…y...z…"

Add whatever tid-bits you want here to make your question more valid. The key isn’t really to nail her into a corner. This confrontation is only about 3% likely to get you a confession. The issue is to make her fear that you might know more than she thinks you know. If she’s having an affair… the odds are that IF she’s having an affair she will be seeking advice and guidance OR informing the OM in the next hours.
She will call her BFF telling her how you suspect her of infidelity for no reason, or sharing with her BFF how she needs to end the affair, or calling the OM to warn him. From her car. Where you have the VAR…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8796239
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Greto ( member #80904) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

The snapchat is super suspicious. I don't get why people are not allowed to ask their partners if they can look at their phones. The day my WH says I cannot look at his phone or explore his apps, is the day I do a 180.

If she allows it, pull up her apps on her phone. Her blocking you on snapchat is wrong and clearly done for bad reasons. I would never block my partner unless I was hiding something.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Sandusky, Ohio
id 8796283
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 9:35 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Update:

Wife is in on a plane to Europe.

I will NEVER drive in Los Angeles again. 4 hours to leave the city? Are you freaking kidding?

Wife didn't change her laptop password when she left.

Wife didn't log out of Gmail before she left (personal and work)

Google account activity is available.

Primary email is available.

Work email is available. (avoided for now due to "last seen status")

In general, all google maps activity and searches available, but not location history

Looks like apple Phone activity sans google maps is unavailable.

Wife is not logged into facebook on laptop, but has credentials saved. (unsure if notification sent, so avoided)

Wife has saved appledID credentials (almost positive notification is sent, avoided)

Wife deleted (old) photos on laptop from before we met. (mostly risque photos but not explicit) found in trash can.

literally the only thing intriguing... an email from a "Todd" no subject... just a ":)"

there's nothing. Nothing except google maps search for hotel address when i was away on a business trip, as previously reported.

*edit to add*

saw wife's phone passcode before she left it hasn't changed.

[This message edited by swoned at 9:37 AM, Saturday, June 24th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8796733
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 11:36 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

So you have some access to her comms but not the important one, Snapchat.

On Google, that you say shes still logged into, you should be able to see something called "Your data in search" and then "Saving to Web & App Activity" this logs every search and every use of apps on her phone, by date and time. You can even do a search by keyword so if you search "Snapchat" any usage of it will be logged, unless she's turned it off but you can turn it on again and I am sure it doesn't notify.

I found some very interesting info from there when I had my issues a long time ago.

Hopefully you find nothing.

[This message edited by RoundandRound68 at 11:36 AM, Saturday, June 24th]

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8796736
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:08 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Now you will get a deluge of posts – confirming your foregone deduction – that the "Todd" email is confirmation that she’s having an affair, that "Todd" is an anycrimon for Ted, Orvis, Dave and Dick and that the smiley face is code for group-sex. Maybe you will even get some golden advice stating your wife is a serial cheater.

Or… you look at this trying to find the TRUTH.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8796738
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:40 PM on Sunday, June 25th, 2023

Your mind right now is too busy and congested like the 405. Driving in LA before has scarred you. Take the nearest exit, park the car. Drive during off peak hours, the journey and the destination will both be comfortable.

Take care !

posts: 273   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8796867
Topic is Sleeping.
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