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Newest Member: Taikor

General :
Creeping Dread

Topic is Sleeping.
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WonderingGhost ( member #81060) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I agree with everyone saying to hire a PI and/or make up another out of town work trip to have said PI or friend verify her whereabouts. Also not sure why some people suggest sitting her down and asking about her sketchy behaviour? Sounds like a recipe for deflection and gaslighting to me, especially considering the bits of evidence you already have. I also agree your wife is acting suspicious.

Why didn't she answer when you asked if she was in the office?

Why would your joking about her having a date cause her to react so negatively? "Don't ruin my mood."?

Why would she have her coworker send you a pic of the plant and only after the fact tell you she was actually somewhere else?

Why would she gossip about the interaction you had with her co-workers while obviously framing it in a way that prompted them to call you controlling and abusive? Trying to shame you so you stop doing it perhaps? Didn't you say SHE also would ask you to send photo evidence of your whereabouts jokingly?

Calm down and take a step back as you've said so you don't cause her to pick up on your suspicion.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 10:33 PM, Friday, May 19th]

posts: 110   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8791765
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 11:44 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I really don't think she was talking bad about me to coworkers.
She wasn't with her coworkers.

For those of us who have been through this before, we know.

Her private escape time was interrupted. She panicked and dug a hole by having coworker take photo. She realized this was strange and panicked some more. Her AP got frustrated because he dropped $200 on a room for two hours and she probably lost her mood for the moment.

So he did what every AP does. He flipped it that it was my behavior that was wrong, and they were being victimized.
She can't tell me this of course, so she had to use the coworker story, since that was her " alibi"

Update for today:
She went to work.
At lunch She went to tanning salon, then to I assume company PO Box. Then to a grocery store, then chipotle. She went back to office and has just left for her second job. She won't be home until nearly midnight. I'll have returned home by then.

Hellfire. Thankyou for contributing. I really was hoping you would start laying the smackdown on me.

And thank you everyone else as well.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791791
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 11:51 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Also I think I'll wait a bit. I think there is a good chance that there is a Tues/Thurs limitation on availability of AP

Wife leaves out of the country in June for a few weeks to visit family
I haven't decided if I'll go yet but I may.

With that said... With this trip coming up I expect they'll try to meet again before hand, wether I am on a business trip or not.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8791792
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Put a VAR in her car.

I was really put off by what she said her co-workers were saying. She said they told her that she was in an abusive relationship and that they were laughing at her? I would question her about that. If she doubled down on that, I would suggest she try to find another job as that is toxic. LAUGHING at someone who is being abused??

Obviously, I don't think that happened, and if it did, it was probably only the AP or Potential AP who said those things.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. VAR and find out what is really going on.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8792031
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

???

Wife did ??? in 2016 and now doing same (in a general sort of way) suspicious behavior - yes? no?

Just how much are willing to bear? Have you seen your doc for "preventive maintenance?" you know, tests for things you shouldn't have -


Have you been keeping a timeline of her "away from home" activities?
Are you checking mileage on car?
Do you have cell phone usage from service providers?
Do you have your finances in order and all $$$ accounted for?
Is wife doing her share of household and child duties?

In a way, you need to build a box around her without her catching on - the "box" is two parts:
The stuff you KNOW on the inside
The stuff you DON'T know on the outside.
You know you can eliminate a lot of stuff 'outside' - extreme example: You know she didn't fly to Havana last
week. Well then, where WAS she?

Search the internet for voice recorders and "spy" cameras. The technology has progressed to where hardware is small you can hide monitoring stuff in plain sight. Question, I ask, is she worth this hassle?

If you find out for sure she is doing something that violates your marriage, what are you going to do?

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 884   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8792066
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I vote that you hire a PI to look into this for you. Knowledge is power in this instance. You suspect she is cheating, but you are unable to confirm. It will take the burden off you too. A PI will look at this as the job it is and do the best they can to provide you objective evidence.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8792078
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 11:44 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Weekend update:

Quick note I think I failed to bring up before--- I've slept separately from wife for months due to my snoring. I myself absolutely and utterly cannot sleep at all if someone is in the room snoring. It drives me absolutely mad. When she began complaining about my snoring many months ago, I exiled myself in shame and embarassment. She always went to bed earlier than me--- so I'd always stayed up late playing games or browsing internet and most often drinking. This was obviously a huge issue and was a primary motivation for me to quit alcohol, once I realized how dire circumstances seemed to be heading.


I came home from business trip on Friday, took care of kids, and noticed she had bought new underwear. She returned home late Friday night with a big hug and a kiss.
She asked me to come talk with her while she showered. (just daily chatter things) She's has no discomfort in being naked around me at all--- it's very confusing.

We essentially spent the entire weekend together watching Netflix and relaxing, cooking together, and what not. She was very adamant on all manner of being touched, massaged and cuddled, for hours... incessantly.. probably a little bit more than normal.
She told me I had to make up for the week I was gone.

She asked me Saturday night to try coming back to bed with her since I had lost so much weight, and woke up happy -- stating that I had not snored during the night and she slept much better with me next to her.

We were intimate Sunday morning, and spent the rest of the day aside from my gym time and her manicure together, as if there was never anything wrong. She was insistent again on being touched and rubbed and cuddled for most of the day.

We watched a movie as a family in the evening, and then we went to bed together, where once again I did not snore.

So I guess I'm sleeping in my own bed again now...

I have not confronted her about last week because I do not have enough to do so.

Today has been uneventful aside from being left on "read" during work hours.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792097
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 11:51 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

She also asked to go out of town together memorial day.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792099
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Washashore ( member #55301) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Swoned,

What kind of marriage do you have? One where you are going to go into stealth mode, or one where you lay your concerns before her? You have been massively triggered and she has been shady and dishonest in what she has told you. She needs to be completely transparent.

Love bombing is not honesty. The times where she wasn’t where she said may mean that she was embarrassed and was wasting time shopping, or that she is having an affair.

Either way, she needs to give an accounting for the multiple times she has been at the hotel location. You have enough info to know that there is something wrong. Your gut is telling you something and she has lied (and acknowledged little ones) to cover things up.

Thinking of you and hoping you can find the truth.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: Iowa
id 8792100
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 4:53 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Hippo16

???

Wife did ??? in 2016 and now doing same (in a general sort of way) suspicious behavior - yes? no?

Just how much are willing to bear? Have you seen your doc for "preventive maintenance?" you know, tests for things you shouldn't have -

sorry for the confusion. Please allow me to clarify.
I was previously married for ten years and discovered ex wife's affair in 2016. I began divorce proceedings in 2017 which were complete in 2018.
I have since remarried and this thread is concerning new marriage.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792168
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 5:04 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Washashore:

Yes, it is absolutely clear that she isn't being wholly honest with me--- she has clearly covered up that she was at a hotel twice last week, and this is a monumental red flag. It's almost certain to be what we all think it is.

However. I want to stress that I've been through this before, and in my first time on this ride, I confronted when I "knew" but couldn't prove anything. The result was denials, gaslighting, and ultimately trickle truthing for months. It was wholly ineffective, created more problems than it solved, and only tipped my cheating ex off that she needed to be more secretive. It was completely counterproductive, and to be frank... all but guaranteed that R was impossible.

Based on my previous experience, and the multitudes of other's experience archived here, I'm certain that it's not going to be helpful to me to confront unless I am able to bash her over the head with undeniable proof that cannot be excused in any way.

Yeah it sucks to be in stealth mode currently, I'm not really enjoying it. But it's better to be wholly prepared.

In regards to love bombing... I don't know if I feel like I'm being love bombed. I think it's more accurate that she is wanting me to love bomb her. I'm not sure if thats the same thing or the same motivation/result/consequence. Maybe it is.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792170
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:45 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Swoned, some cheaters will be more affectionate at home while cheating because of the guilt and wanting their BS to not suspect what they are up to. Her affection doesn't prove or disprove anything. Her being at a hotel and lying to you repeatedly does.

Would you put a VAR in her car/bedroom? She's probably talking to OM at least occasionally. You could also stage another business trip and hire a PI.

posts: 5232   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8792180
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 5:50 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Swoned, I think you're doing the right thing. Yes, being in constant stealth mode is not easy but, from where I stand, it won't be for long.

I feel she's seeking attention from you, and being clingy, to distract you from her lies, of the week you were away, in the hope you'll let it go, fairly sure you won't fall for that.

If, as you say, you think she'll want another dalliance before she goes away then you won't wait long for a 'girls night' or a 'working late' on a Tuesday or Thursday to be brought up.

Keep looking after yourself, as you have been, and keep your routine.

Stay safe.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8792181
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 5:51 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Would you put a VAR in her car/bedroom? She's probably talking to OM at least occasionally. You could also stage another business trip and hire a PI.

I'd agree with this approach.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8792183
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

.

Have you been keeping a timeline of her "away from home" activities?
Are you checking mileage on car?
Do you have cell phone usage from service providers?
Do you have your finances in order and all $$$ accounted for?
Is wife doing her share of household and child duties?

yes, I keep notes on anything of note, and any inconsistencies, no matter how minor.
I don;t need to check mileage on car--- it's covered.
I do have access to cell records. However, she's an iphone user, so they are incomplete for any iphone to iphone calls/messages
... as I understand.
Finances are fine-- she has her own credit card that i don't see--- maybe theres all sorts of funny business there. Our shared resources are all above the table though.
Wife does an amazing job with household cleaning, chores, and child duties.


question, I ask, is she worth this hassle?

If you find out for sure she is doing something that violates your marriage, what are you going to do?

Yes, she is worth the hassle. What do I do when Dday comes around? I don't know for sure depends on if i married the unicorn that makes R possible, which we all know is very rare indeed.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792191
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mindracing ( new member #81066) posted at 11:12 PM on Sunday, May 28th, 2023

Swoned,

As one that confronted way too early and probably lost a chance to ever discover the truth, I have been following your thread earnestly.

Any updates?

Honestly, I'm hoping you found some innocent reasons for the suspicious behavior. Sure could use a happy story today.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2022
id 8792911
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 5:41 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

Weekend update:

Spent entire weekend with wife. it's been very nice.
I had one moment of excitement this week.

I left home on Friday to get a DEXA scan--- I was very interested in what % body fat I am currently running, how much I've lost, and how much further I'd like to go to achieve my physical goals. (answer... a long way to go) But I was encouraged because I am no longer in the scientifically defined "overweight" category. I made it to "average" Yay. I am down about 30 lbs from my highest. I need to gain some lean mass and lose the rest of this fat. But I've more motivation than I've ever had.

Stopped at European supermarket for some imported cheese... and started driving home when wife went on the move from work.
She was heading towards the hotel!!

I panicked and turned around--- I wanted to see if she met with someone, so I was flying down the highway.

But she passed hotel and went to the European market I had just left.... she had lunch there.
She told me in the evening she didn't trust that I'd get the correct cheese (she was correct) and so she decided to go get some herself, and then she decided she was hungry for some home-cooking, so she stayed for lunch.

Wife says I need new clothes because I lost so much weight. She says she's jealous that I lost it all so fast and asked if I was taking a secret weight loss drug.
I've had 6 people from work comment how much better I am looking, and two joking accusations that I may have taken up a bad cocaine habit to lose weight so fast...

Wife is still protective of phone--- she still exits out of her apps and turns screen off if I come near...
Still don't know the truth of the two hotel visits.... still think it's something but this week has been better, overall.

I have not confronted.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792981
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 swoned (original poster member #54719) posted at 5:52 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

Oh yes,

I've dropped over 20 minutes on the time it takes me to run 4 miles on a treadmill.
So that feels pretty good too.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792983
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WonderingGhost ( member #81060) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

Congratulations on your improved health @swoned. I'm also sorry you're still dealing with the situation at hand.

I'm of the mind that being overly protective of one's devices always alludes to at least something fishy going on, not always an affair, but something. When I was with my XWS and I was on my phone, it was always within view. Hell, sometimes I'd purposefully tilt it or orient myself so he could plainly see my screen and what I'm doing. Kind of a way for me to silently say "Hey look, you're always welcome to see what I'm up to and I never have anything to hide from you." I also left my phone everywhere easily within his reach if he so chose to snoop around in it. Didn't take it into the bathroom with me or anything.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8792995
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:10 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

Your wife is shady.

That’s not a marriage - that’s one person’s disregard and disrespect of the other.

So what if she asked you to do something with her this weekend? You are still not getting any truth from her.

She’s playing games with you.

How sad she can do that to you with a smile on her face and act like she’s not doing anything wrong.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13868   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8793005
Topic is Sleeping.
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