I've been having a think about this over the last 24h, and something just isn't adding up in regards to the progression from her re-connecting with her AP 4 years ago, to now sleeping with him as of the last few months. It actually triggered me in the snese that I started feeling that familiar sinking feeling. Ozzy, mate, gently; I can guarantee you that what you have been told about this affair is just the tip of the iceberg. Your WW has been playing you for years. How do I know? Because I got fed the following trickle truths when I started putting things together in regards to my wife's workmate:
- 'Honey there is nothing going on with him, he's actually a jerk.'
- 'You need to let this go, he's just a friend.'
- 'The ski trip is a work one, it's not with him.'
- *insert 'I want to date other people and you need to be ok with it MC session*
- 'Yes I've been speaking to him about our marriage and where I was at. He's just given me advice because we're both having ups and downs with our marriages, it's all innocent.'
- 'The deleted messages to him? It was all innocent talk about our marriages, but I knew it would make you mad.'
- 'Please know that whatever happens between us, nothing physical EVER happened between workmate and I.'
- 'OK we kissed once on a course but it was a mistake.'
- 'I actually slept with him on that course while we were drunk. But it was just once.'
- 'I refused to have anything to do with him after that.'
- '......ok so when I told my friend on FB messenger that I was dealing with a break-up while working on our marriage, I didn't really mean that literally.'
- 'Ok I know I told my best friend that the break-up hurt me because I had so much invested in it, but I meant in a completely detached and plutonic sense. It wasn't romantic.'
- 'OK, I know it doesn't add up to you, but we only had a relationship for a few months and then we cooled it off because we knew it was wrong.'
- 'I admit we'd been seeing each other physically in a relationship for a continuous 1.5 years.'
- *INSERT ME KICKING HER OUT*
It goes against all credibility that your wife just happened to re-connect with AP FOUR years ago, tell you that she hadn't been attracted to you 'for years', and then magically within the space of a few weeks ago suddenly profess that she wanted an open marriage and that they just randomly had sex twice, but she wasn't really keen on it. I 100% guarantee you, that your wife has been sleeping with this guy for YEARS under your nose. Her claim to want to open the marriage is because despite being a shameless cheater, that banked level of shame and guilt had finally reached a point that even she found odorous. The absolute weapons-grade b/s idea to propose 'I want an open marriage and you need to be ok with it or else we're getting divorced because I need this' is her trying to front-run and validate years of guilt spent banging AP. There was no 'agreement'; you had an infidelity gun placed to your forehead and you had to go along with it or else.
This is why she is so against reading anything to work through it, because there's more to the story that she'd have to admit to. This is why she cares more about AP's feelings rather than yours. The explains why she keeps contacting him despite telling you she won't. This explains why she can't go NC with him cleanly without 'one more session of closure'. She is invested in this relationship, far more than a few weeks and two bouts of sex would portend. Please, please believe this. You cannot trust anything she says. As you can see with the quotes from my wife above, I believed her too...until I didn't and the truth came out. Did I ever suspect she had time or inclination to have a relationship with someone else? I never would have thought it, but alas, she did. Makes all those 'late night sessions' and days she 'had to go into work on the weekend' all in perspective in retrospect.
When my wife spoke to the other guy she told him I knew, but not that I always knew. The physical side is done. It was probably done after the second time anyway but it is done now. She is gutted that it happened at all, as it was me giving my agreement that prompted her to initiate it. That was the biggest mistake I have made in my life.
Says it all in bold really. That she is putting her bad behaviour on YOU, is A-grade insulting. 'I actually didn't really want this, but you actually agreed to it, so now here we are. Waaaaa, woe is me. I'd better just have sex with him once more (because that's what is going to happen) just to get closure after years of sex/flirting/sexting you didn't know about.'
So yes, there is an impasse at the moment. My last couple of posts were in a pretty bad state which I guess can overstate where my mental state is. I am actually in a pretty clear place about the whole situation.
The impasse is that your wife has almost certainly had a full-blown relationship with AP for years and you want to believe her desperately that this isn't the case. Talk to all of us here who have lived this; your situation isn't unique. You might have been coerced into letting her sleep with him twice recently, but you sure as hell did not give permission for her to engage in a relationship (either EA or PA) without your knowledge over the last four years. This has been brewing for a LONG time. I would posit that she's deleted years worth of messages to this guy accordingly.
I know you are trying to hold this all together for the kids, but what has your 'wife' done? I truly thought my ex-wife would never have done this to either myself (especially noting we went through such a long period of hard R) or our kids, but she did. Daily for years, in fact. Conscious daily decisions were made knowing that the consequences of which would impact her family. Your wife has done the same.
I will recap a few points and then focus on Hurthalo's contribution (Halo - I read your story and there are a lot of similarities with a few subtle differences. I may well PM you and already feel like if you are in London for work again you should let me know as we would have a lot to chat about!)
Happy to mate! Funny you mention it, I will be in London around 08-16 Jun. Always happy to catch up for a beer if you want to chat or vent brother. I'm a good listener, and despite what I've said above which might be construed as a 2x4, I am also very sympathetic.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 6:46 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]