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New Beginnings :
Midst of a divorce but might have meet a unicorn of a man

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 11:02 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

STBXH searching SI

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:52 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8785444
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 12:35 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Maybe you are just not ready to let your walls down. Those walls have served you well, and yes, eventually they will need to come down. But at your pace and when you are ready. Things are still pretty raw in your world. It would raise flags to me if you were all in on this guy already, actually.

have you talked to him about it? Is he willing to take it a little slower while you catch your breath from D’ing your WS? Are you feeling pressured by him or is this you putting pressure on yourself?

And, BTW, I think you are pretty open to already be this invested— congrats on that!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6002   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8785455
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:20 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

You need to have a serious conversation of where you are and whether he is willing to wait for you to get to where he wants you to be. He may be a good guy, but even that isn't good enough for where you are at. Expecting you to move past the betrayal and be able to trust others this close in just isn't realistic. It's a little bit of a red flag to me that he is pushing this. Is he willing and able to wait years for you to heal? Is he going to be able to tolerate that lil bit of doubt that will likely remain in the back of your mind for a decade or more?

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8785490
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:05 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Bearlybreathing, I am not ready yet to let me guard down for sure. I will need to have a conversation with him regarding the fact that I have not trust in anyone currently. I guess he'll have to understand that I'll always have lingering doubts about any man.

He is not pushing me at all in fact is very supportive of my healing---I am also hoping as a BS himself that will help with his perspective.

I have a long road I think in order to be a good partner for anybody for awhile sad

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8785511
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:53 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8785514
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:50 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Given your current circumstances, I really think you should hold off on dating, for a few reasons:

(1) Hopefully the settlement that you and your WH’s attorneys goes through, but if not, you are going to be dealing with a highly contentious divorce.

(2) Your kids have been through Hell; your son in particular is in crisis and needs your full attention.

(3) Anyone you date is in danger from your husband. If he gets wind that you’re seeing someone, he will act out. Wait until the ink is dry on your divorce and he’s fully focused on his next victim, since his plan is to remarry as quickly as possible.

(4) I don’t think that the full weight of the damage this man has done will hit you until the divorce is done and the smoke has cleared. I think you should do a lot of work to do on yourself in individual counseling before you jump into your next relationship.

Lastly, call me cynical, but I simply don’t believe in unicorns. The relationship he has with his ex wife also strikes me as bizarre. Why the hell is she throwing him parties and her husband crashing at his house? If they like each other so much why not stay married?

In any case, even if he is the right person, that doesn’t mean now is the right time.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785555
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VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 11:40 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

If I recall correctly, your ex built a fence to keep all the AP's partners out of your house. I had visions of some zombie apocalypse when I read that, clambering at the gate to get to him, hence why I remember you. I dont blame you for being cautious - I'm personally suss on anyone that breathes the wrong way these days. If it is any consolation, he couldnt be worse than your ex. You never know - true love may await.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8785617
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

I made the classic mistake of getting involved while I was still processing my own healing. After that failed relationship, I tried dipping my toe in the OLD waters every 6-8 months to see if I was ready. I never was.

Now, 3+ years single, new homee, and D papers stamped, I feel like I am finally ready. Do I have trust issues? I don't think I do. I just see that my Disney romance glasses are off and people behave like they do. Some are shitty, some are good. Do I have the capacity to really feel again? I'll have to wait and see.

My point is, don't rush your healing, but also, don't sabotage a chance at a relationship that could be good, and deep, and rewarding. Be upfront and give yourself grace.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1821   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8785653
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:53 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786420
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:54 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786421
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:22 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

OK I am all for getting along for the kids when you divorce, and maaaaaybe 1 in 10 million divorces the ex's can be actual true friends. But being buddy buddy with a cheater ex wife and the affair partner??? That makes my spidey senses go off like a foghorn. Admittedly I'm cynical and still in my healing process, but that just seems.... not really very healthy. It just strikes me as a lot of emotional entanglement, and especially given that xww isn't happy in her marriage to ap and has already proven to have piss poor boundaries and is already trying to influence his decisions about a new relationship and is still acting like she's part of his family..... yeah I would definitely not be okay with that whole situation. I am so glad I didn't have kids with my cheater; if I did I would maintain a civil relationship as much as I could, but having the AP sleep over at my house? Yeahno. I'd burn the house to the ground before that EVER happened. And if my xwh tried to insert himself in my family functions, I wouldn't even have to be the one to tell him to feck off cus my family would beat me to it. Just not one bit of any of that sounds normal or healthy to me. That sounds like a whole family full of rugsweepers.

Also, my cynical nature notwithstanding... the fact that he supposedly did not know you were divorcing and was messaging you, red flag. If he DID know and started messaging you, DOUBLE red flag. You are in a very emotionally vulnerable state right now and will be for a while cus that's part of the emotional process of divorcing - just my 0.02 but any guy who would deliberately choose this moment to chat you up just seems really fishy and honestly kind of predatory to me.

IMHO CT, you really should not be trying to meet or date anyone right now. Get the divorce finalized. Take some time to be on your own and to find your new balance of who you are as a single woman. Get some therapy. If he is right for you, then let your paths cross organically a couple years down the road when you've had the time and space to heal. If you have a conversation with him about pumping the brakes and he can't respect that or tries to pressure you into a deeper relationship? Run.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8786433
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 2:22 PM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

Justsomeguy, I may have bitten of more then I can emotionally deal with right now. I really need time to heal and get my self and kids together, maybe more of a rebound relationship to pad my damaged self-esteem, having a STBXH with more then 19 AP's over 16 years will do that to a person.

I guess because my STBXH is already knee deep into what's going to be his new marriage already maybe I felt the need to have something going on my side...likely a poor choice, although my STBXH dated our whole marriage he's likely ready to go!

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786485
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:11 AM on Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

I’m with EllieKMAS… the more you described this guy’s relationship with his ex, the more bizarre and shady the situation is. He hasn’t detached himself from her emotionally and she is still very enmeshed in his life. Also, if her current husband was the AP, how the hell is he friends with the guy?

I’m sure that when you were with your STBX he seemed like a sparkly unicorn, too… except now, in retrospect, you could probably identify a million red flags that you didn’t see before. I think the same exact thing is happening with new guy.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8786590
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:54 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786624
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, April 13th, 2023

His situation is weird. Maybe it’s totally legit, but after everything you’ve been through, err on the side of skepticism. You’ve spent enough years making excuses for a bizarre man.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8786680
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:32 PM on Thursday, April 13th, 2023

Bear in mind that I am cynical and jaded and suspicious af, so take all of this with the requisite amount of salt.

I just.... CT this whole thing and all the other info you've shared.... I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but I am saying that this dewd is wearing a red flag onesie. What I am saying is that this is not a unicorn but rather a donkey with a plunger duct taped to it's head. Not at all the same types of red flags as your stbxwh, but that's the dangerous part for you here. Because he looks good in comparison to your wh (which face it, just about anyone would) does not mean that he is not displaying some seriously dysfunctional and concerning behaviors - which to me as an objective outsider he certainly is. After coming out of a relationship like your M that was so extreme and so dysfunctional, it is very easy to overlook red flags in someone else. Because you say "oh well they don't do [fill in the blank] like my ex, so they are [normal, loving, decent, etc]". Just because they don't do A, B, or C like your ex does not mean that they don't do D, E, and F that are also big issues.

I will say this guy does not give me the red flags from STBXH, he didn't seem great really even at first, I think I was in a bad place after my first divorce and I ignored all the insecurities, they looking through my phone early on, the strange things that got destroyed or vanished when we dated that he blamed on otaskher people. The constant arguing, name calling and blaming me for cheating.

This guys situation is a little strange I will say but I do believe he's very much a peace keeper and VERY non-confrontational for sure--he will not even voice any concerns with me. Very low key.

Take the 'laid back' thing. I get how being with someone laid back is a refreshing change of pace after being with someone v much not laid back. But there is an enormous difference in being laid-back and being non confrontational to the point of staying entangled with your ex to a pathological degree, allowing the affair partner to sleep in your house, your family still treating your cheating ex like a member of the family.... I'm sorry, but allowing your ex spouse to have cart blanche access to your home and your family and allowing her affair partner to have access to your home is not IMO healthy or normal behavior. Not that I want a 'confrontational' person, but I also don't want someone who never puts a foot down to set healthy boundaries for themselves - people who can't SET healthy boundaries for their own self also seem to have a lot of trouble RESPECTING healthy boundaries that others set for themselves IME. If the only reason he's putting distance there is because you have mentioned it, he ain't doing that for him he's doing that to appease YOU.

My guy said once married they were just room mates.

Hmm that's funny. My cheating exdouche said the same thing about me to his ap.

His XW will come to town and stay with him with the kids and clean out his cabinets--re-organize stuff

This is not okay. Maybe I am projecting (possible), but the fact that he's seemingly fine with this is a huge red flag to me. I am all for civility with your ex, especially if you have kids together, but his home and his day-to-day life are no longer any of her business. The fact that she feels entitled to still act like it is and that he allows that is just not okay.

She just now got her first full time job at almost 50---when I've met her, her husband has never made an appearance even at family events under the idea of not attending is because he's on dog watching duty.

I literally see NO inkling that they have anything romantically going, his XW is super dry and not fun in any way, very negative and seems just like a miserable person . My guy said once married they were just room mates.

Personally, I see her treating him like some charity case that she feels she ruined his life, took his kids, his house and since he hasn't remarried in the last 10 years she thinks she owes him something? Guilt possibly.

I'm guessing most ex's don't want to see someone they discarded with someone way above themselves as a total package.

Neither of you should know this much about her. Her knowing you should be only as far as she needs to for her children's sake (ie to make sure you're not a drug addict/abuser/crazy/etc). Beyond any potential impact on her kids, who he dates is literally NONE of her business. And were I in this situation I would very much not like knowing how much he was sharing about me and my life with her since he very clearly has no boundaries where she's concerned.

I totally understand wanting to be seen and feel loved and cared for and appreciated in the wake of all you've been through CT. That is a totally normal way to feel. But precisely because of all you've been through, I also think your red flag radar is calibrated only to the extremes you've been dealing with. Things that might not seem like red flags because they don't hit the high threshold you've become accustomed to doesn't mean they aren't. That's what I mean when I say that you are in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now. Please just pump the brakes on finding a new relationship for the moment - take time for yourself, do some therapy, get some practice in setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Put that work in NOW so down the road you can start something new with a new SO from a place of emotional strength and wholeness. Give yourself that gift because you absolutely deserve it.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 6:34 PM, Thursday, April 13th]

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8786749
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 9:19 PM on Thursday, April 13th, 2023

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you about my husband. I filed for divorce from a serial cheater too. Most of my marriage, he had cheated with anyone willing. We do have that in common.

My new husband starting asking me to lunch on days that my stbxh had the kids. I wrote it off as he was being nice and knew I would miss them. We had known each other for about ten years and I knew what he went through watching his wife succumb to cancer. So I thought maybe he was lonely too and we were friends. It wasn’t until about a year after I filed (and yes it was long and drawn out) did my now husband sit down and tell me that he would like to date me. Not super romantic, but what I liked is he had a list to go over with me. These were things he thought we should discuss before dating. It included how our kids would react, my mom, my stbxh, etc. we had a very frank discussion about each topic. We talked about boundaries(even though we didn’t call them that). Perhaps this is something you can think about and come up with a list of things to talk about.

I will say that we have a very happy and peaceful marriage. I think sitting down and discussing things has made communication so much better and easier this go around.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 407   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8786770
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, April 13th, 2023

Listen to Ellie. She's right. This guy is not a unicorn. He's the donkey.

Look, if it's just that he is passive, and not all kinds of weird, that's still a huge issue. How do you think an extremely passive man will handle an ex like his,if the two of you were to get together? They share kids. She's "family." You will never be his priority. You will never win.

Run. Run fast,run far.

Take time to heal yourself. You will some day meet an amazing man. But he's not him.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8786779
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 3:07 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:55 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786889
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:56 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786909
Topic is Sleeping.
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