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I'm sorry, but how is having the AP stay at his house so often, "for the kids."

I think you should read through some threads again. Find out how many men have had affairs because they're "passive," and "people pleasers." This is a common traits many WH have.

He's telling you he's so close to her because he's doing it for the kids. He's telling you their relationship is like brother and sister. His behavior says otherwise. Clearly they were sexually attracted to each other. They had enough sex during their marriage to produce two kids. I think he's staying close to her because he still has love for her. She left him,and this is a way to remain close. I don't think he's entirely honest with you.

If he is distancing himself now,it's only because you said something. It's called compliance.

CT, haven’t you been through enough with your psycho STBX?

Do you really need to be involved with someone who is so enmeshed with his ex that he might as well have an umbilical cord latched to her?

Find out how many men have had affairs because they're "passive," and "people pleasers." This is a common traits many WH have.

The exWW already cheated once in her life. And if she puts the moves on your BF? He'll go along with it and let mommy and daddy get back together again "for the kids." He's already showing he will break every boundary that he should have to keep them and their mother happy. His behavior is definitely a red flag. If you are afraid to upset people and afraid to tell them No, then you don't do it.

The number one cause of D (so I've read, heard, and seen with my own friends and family) in second marriages is conflict regarding the kids from the first marriage. Every single second marriage I know of personally has suffered or is suffering because of the kids from the first marriage. (Well, not because OF the kids, but because of a lack of solid, agreed upon boundaries around them.)

In the most egregious case, the daughters literally sabotaged the new wife with so many requests for the dad's involvement in things away from her. And he's one of my husband's best friends! But he could not tell his girls No, and his new wife felt like a 5th wheel, like her needs and opinions just didn't matter where his daughters were concerned. They lasted only two years.

One of my good friends is in MC to address their ONLY issue--his son, daughter, and first wife. The exW turned the kids against my friend, so her H has "only one way to see my kids"--at his ex's house. How convenient, right? Those kids want my friend out of the picture. He also gives them money, and these young adult kids of his don't even have jobs! They use guilt on dear old dad, and he gives them a few hundred bucks (or a grand!) on the side, hiding it from my friend. Honestly, I am not sure they will ever resolve this issue. He has a blind spot where his kids are concerned, and my friend and her H are literally two peas in a pod otherwise, compatible in every single way. Very sad for me to see.

My husband's cousin just separated after 15 years of drama with her H's kids! She thought things would be better when they grew up (they are late 20s now), but nope. They still want money all the time and use guilt to get what they want from him.

Of course the XW's husband did not attend because he's always home watching the dogs--I've been to 3 holidays, parties and family events and have yet to see this new husband's face

So maybe they are not doing well? And he's not supportive of everything the WW does for your boyfriend? This should worry you. The ex WILL want her first husband back based on her extensive enmeshment with him. And then, he's a laid back guy who can't say No, so . . .

I would never ask my guy to change his relationship with the XW--I mean the kids have only 4 more years till their 18

No, it's forever. Kids are the priority forever, whatever they need. Then you add the guilt of divorce, and from what I have witnessed, what is "best for the kids" always wins. Always. Post-D boundaries with the kids are very, very difficult for people pleasing types harboring a lot of guilt.

You do what you want and toss the rest of the advice, Crazytrain. But yes, this is a major enough issue even if all of his other qualities are great. I don't mean you HAVE TO get rid of him but that this one issue is enough to ruin your entire R. It is. Don't minimize it. Instead, if he does not do MUCH better--real change (the ex no longer stays at his house, he doesn't stay there, he tells her No continually, he sees his kids without her) then you should assume your conflict with him will grow.

When we are really hurt or offended by something and discuss it, and then we do not witness solid change, then we are actually moving our own boundaries. Don't move your boundaries on this point or you may lose your unicorn back to his first family. That's honestly what I'm worried about.

I hope he steps up and changes, but he's probably going to need IC to do it. From what you describe, his pleasing is out of his control. He is not in touch with his own needs. He does not even understand boundaries (which is obvious in the way his cheating ex gets to call every single shot in his life). And she's a fireball who only attracts to those she can easily dominate. He is going to need a lot of help to change, professional help. This is not a small issue.

I am sorry to be this negative. I am sure he's great in every other way, but as I've repeatedly witnessed, this one issue IS enough to bring down an entire relationship. Hopefully he steps up and does the hard work. Wishing you luck. And strength.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 9:56 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

There’s a difference between being a genuinely kind and loving person and just a spineless, agreeable, and nonconfrontational person. That’s what we’re trying to explain to you.

I guess you’ll find out in your own eventually.

This guys situation is a little strange I will say but I do believe he's very much a peace keeper and VERY non-confrontational for sure--he will not even voice any concerns with me. Very low key.

Besides his relationship with his ex and the AP (current husband) the above is a massive red flag.

I used to be proud, prior to dday, that my H and I never argued. He even stated repeatedly that he’s a peace maker and wants a simple life so I used to laugh with my friends that even if I wanted to argue I couldn’t as he wouldn’t engage.

That was amazingly attractive to me as I was bringing my FOO into my relationships, I grew up in a highly conflict driven home, my parents literally argued and screamed every day. So for me my H was EXACTLY what I wanted, someone who refuses to argue. It never crossed my mind that conflict can be dealt with in a healthy way.

One of the most encountered whys of affairs is conflict avoidance. The WS builds resentment because they aren’t able to deal with conflict in a healthy way and give themselves permission to cheat (due to having bendable values). I massively trigger these days if I sense WH is dissatisfied with something and he isn’t bringing it up. This is something he had to learn in IC once identified that he’s a massive conflict avoidant.

I’m sorry, your thread is a clear example of dating whilst not healed: you are attracted to the red flags, due to this guy being at the opposite end of unhealthy behaviours to your STBX, you believe that it is exactly what you’re looking for. It isn’t. You want a healthy person, not one that brings a different kind of brokenness to your life.

As to his relationship with his exW and her husband, it is weird AF… there’s getting along for the kids and there’s what you are describing and the whole situation sounds completely unhealthy for this guy, only that alone should tell you to run.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:52 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

Has anyone else experienced this?

I apologize for not reading any of the other responses.

I started dating my current significant other a couple of months after my ex-wife and I separated. We are still together, somehow. Everyone said that it was too early to start dating. They were mostly right. I have learned over the past five years how much of a psychological mess that I was when I separated from my ex-wife. At the same time, I am sooooo happy that I didn't go through that mess alone.

The biggest issue was/is that I don't trust anyone, which literally came up during the psychological exam that I took during my parenting evaluation. At the time, my snarky response was that I was just getting out of a marriage that was torpedoed by infidelity. The reality is that there have been VERY FEW people in my life that were trustworthy -- my grandfather and my father, that's it. My mother, brother, sister, and both of my wives... were dishonest, disloyal, and manipulative. As a result, I had/have few friends because I don't trust people.

My current significant other has her own set of issues. She's the daughter of an alcoholic and both of her ex-husbands are alcoholics. So, our relationship was a pairing of two co-dependents, both of whom are VERY reluctant to trust anyone (good news: I don't drink alcohol very much).

We've had a ton of major problems. I don't know how different we were/are than anyone else dating in their late 40s, though. Most people who are single in their late 40s have a ton of baggage and skeletons in their closets. It's rough.

There is a happy ending to my story. I have learned to trust someone again (err... for the first time?). My life is in a better place than it has ever been. It has its difficulties, sure, but for the first time in my life... I have a true partner. We disagree agree on plenty of things but we are still on the same team and that's been amazing.

So... you probably should wait to date... or at least take it very very slowly... or ignore good advice and do what you want. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.