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Urge to Contact AP

Topic is Sleeping.
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 StayorGo84 (original poster new member #80474) posted at 6:58 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

My husband has had 4 affairs that I know of in our 12 year marriage. All of the AP's have been co-workers/his employee or a friend of co-worker. The first was during our 1st year of marriage, and we had a small infant when I found out. The only reason I found out was because he was fired from his job after the AP reported him to human resources for sexual harrassement. We stayed together with very little effort on his part to repair the marriage. Several years later, same situation. He was messing around with one of his employees, he didn't give her a promotion that she wanted, so she went to HR and he was forced to resign from that job. During the time that he was fessing up to these indiscretions, he admitted to a previous affair I didn't know about. We tried marriage counseling, but I feel he hasn't put forth the effort that he needs to in order to begin repairing this. The 4th affair happened a year ago. He was sexting with one of his employees best friends. He saw this girl coming into see her friend and asked for her phone #. They began texting and at the end of the day he would delete all evidence off of his phone. He texted with her on our family vacation and the most hurtful thing I found out by phone records was that while I was undergoing a surgery and he was in the waiting room, he was texting her. I only found about this girl because I grabbed his smart watch one night while he was in the shower and looked at his text messages. He had deleted the texts off of his phone, but for some reason they didn't delete off his watch that day and I saw all of the inappropriate texting that had done back and forth that day. I was so ready to walk out that door, but I'm so scared to hurt our 2 girls. They would be devastated if we divorced. WHY AM I SO WEAK!!

We are in marriage counseling and he "says" he has told me everything, but I have this VERY strong urge to reach out to these females on social media to see what else he is hiding. I am able to find there facebook accounts and privately message them, but I have held back so far.

Has anyone else found it beneficial to reach out to the AP's or should I refrain from doing so? I so badly want to find out if he's hiding details.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: IN
id 8748067
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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 7:29 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Some (very few) people have had good experiences and outcomes from contacting APs. But in your case I can see virtually no upside for you in contacting them.

Gently, your H is a serial cheater. Worse, he is a serial predator who keeps shitting where he eats and getting caught. So he is also exceptionally stupid about it all.

Now, I am not someone who believes that the APs "didn't make vows to you so therefore they don't owe you anything and you shouldn't be made at them." Not at all. I didn't make vows to never crap on the lawn outside my job, but if I did so, I'm pretty sure there would be consequences. Same with my neighbors' yards. However, these women have absolutely nothing to gain from helping you or giving you the truth. In fact, if they were women who willingly participated in the A but then filed harassment charges out of spite, they have every reason in the world to try to hurt you worse. And that's the last thing you need.

How much more do you need to find out? He has lied to you repeatedly. He has not shown any remorse that I can discern. Words mean absolutely nothing. Listen to his actions. What are they telling you.

Also, of course your girls will be hurt and upset if/when you divorce. But you aren't the one hurting them. Your WH is the one who has caused the damage. You are shielding them from it at this time, but when they inevitably discern something is wrong, it will be because of what your H did.

I would not participate in marriage counseling until he is able to express to you in explicit terms why he cheated and what he has done within himself to fix the brokenness that allowed him to think it was okay. Total transparency is a bare minimum requirement. He needs IC and you probably could benefit from it as well.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please stay and post again, even if you hear things you don't really want to hear yet.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4779   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8748069
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:25 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It’s terribly unfair to you and to your children.

I contacted my husband’s AP. It was a mistake. A person willing to be an AP of your husband does not have your best interest at heart; quite the opposite.

I agree with the previous post. Unfortunately your main issue is that you’re married to a serial cheater who also has serious workplace ethics/boundary issues. Contacting these other women is much more likely to hurt you than it is to help you. I say this from painful personal experience.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 235   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8748090
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. This is who he is. This is who he will always be. This will be your life forever. You and your children deserve better than this.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3498   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8748092
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:37 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Not only is he cheating on you (and your daughters—- I mean texting while on vacation instead of spending his time and emotion on them??), but he’s also financially cheating on you. All those lost jobs has got to hurt you financially. What happens when he loses one and can’t find another?

And is this what you want your precious daughters to see as a model marriage? I know you don’t.

Stop MC and get in to IC. Figure out why you have been okay with it. You are not weak — you just need to find that courage.
He’s not going to change, he’s shown you that.

Hang in there- dig deep and decide what you want and what is really best for your DD.

I am sorry you are going though this.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748106
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 4:28 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

So sorry you are here StayorGo.

I have this theory that we fixate on certain things because our brains are trying to rouse us out of denial / bargaining.

You certainly have enough information to call it quits on this marriage. He does not respect you. He does not protect his family from the kind of harm losing jobs can cause. He's a serial cheater with no remorse.

But you've stayed and that's kind of normal. It's a trauma to find out who they really are and it takes most of us a loooong time to come to acceptance. So you're brain right now is telling you to look for more, ask more questions, contact the APs because it's lowkey trying to push you out of denial and into action. It's not going to let you rugsweep this anymore.

So you do you. You may cause yourself more hurt because APs are notorious liars and often have it in for the wife but perhaps it's what you need to finally accept who this man is. I hope you don't because I'd hate to see you more hurt, but it's your call.

FYI it's super common for BS to want to reach out to APs. It rarely helps. But it might give you the full picture you seem to need to make a decision.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8748145
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

My only problem with reaching out to an AP is it is like a temporary high from it, that will eventually need a fix. You'll also need to know they have no reason to be honest to you, and probably in an effort to protect themselves will be dishonest.

I reached out to 1 of WH AP and yes in the moments and spewing anger the release felt great! Buttttt once that was over I felt like I wanted to do it again, and again. I didn't but that feeling of wanting to just scream at her was always there...hell it's STILL there and DDay was back in January. She also lied and downplayed everything, they were still seeing each other and continued to see each other even after my rant at her to leave him alone.

Just a cautionary note, make sure to choose words wisely and never say threats or anything that could get you in trouble.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8748156
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 StayorGo84 (original poster new member #80474) posted at 9:52 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Thank you to those that have taken the time to reply. I have not messaged the AP's and know that it would likely cause so much more hurt if I did. I can't really explain why I have such a desire to keep digging.

I was so nervous to join and send a message in the forum. This was the first time in the 11 years that I've been dealing with this that I have actually written out what I've been through. I thought to myself, if I was an outsider looking in and reading this, I would be replying with the same thoughts you all have. I feel like a fool for putting up with everything he has put me and our kids through. It is terribly hard to let go. My nature is to naturally want to help others and I never want to see anyone hurt. I am a hospice nurse, which has been my calling in life. I am a protector in pretty much all aspects of my life and I put everyone else's needs and feelings in front of mine. I feel that is a large reason why I have stayed in this marriage aside from seeing the devastation it would cause my girls.

I do agree that some IC would be beneficial rather then MC. I keep so much of this bottled up because I really have no one to talk to. My parents know everything and his brother knows everything. When I try talking to my husband about my feelings/struggles, he will usually take ownership of all of his mistakes, but then either shut down or begin to get defensive and try to point out that I'm "Miss Perfect".

Our current counselor has tried diving into some root causes of his actions. He comes from a wonderful family with no obvious reasons for his behavior. I do feel like he is very self conscious and looks elsewhere for attention and it makes him feel good that he "still has it". I know I deserve better. I know that I have been a good wife and 100% loyal and dedicated to our family. I just don't know how to be that confident person to stand up and say, No more.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: IN
id 8748173
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

If you want to stand up to him then I suggest the following:

You are in IC and restoring your sense of self worth and understanding WHY this has continued. I’m not saying you allowed it. I’m saying WHY your H has felt the need to put his ego first and his vows/family second.

Then you start to put together an exit plan. You start with $ in your own name in an account he has no access to.

You figure out who leaves the home - him or you.

You have met with an attorney to understand your rights and custody etc.

Cancel all joint credit cards now. Pay them off and close the accounts. You have separate credit cards from here on in.

You start separating your assets too. Put as much as you can in your own name. If he gets sued for harassment and his company doesn’t protect him, they will go after his personal assets if he loses a lawsuit.

That should not include half of your assets too.

It has to be pretty bad if he’s getting fired. My suggestion is you protect yourself now. Whether you stay married or not — you need to insulate your assets from a lawsuit.

If you have a college fund it should be in your name. Not his. If you have a car, it’s in your name not his. You can see where this is going.

Your H has some serious issues and your love and understanding will not help him. Only he can help him AND if he gets defensive when you try to talk to him, that’s not a good sign.

That’s not the role model you want for your children either. His behavior can run off in your kids.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12535   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748174
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:53 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s not fair at all.

It takes a lot of courage to put your story out there when you’re vulnerable, and when you feel like a fool. You’re not a fool. You’re a kind person who maybe/probably doesn’t protect yourself enough.

When I first found evidence that pointed to my husband having an affair, he denied and lied and denied and lied. He insisted that even though it looked bad it wasn’t, and that he and his affair partner were just friends and that he had been too scared to tell me about the friendship because he thought I would overreact and be jealous. I remember saying in the midst of an emotional conversation, "if anyone else was in my situation and told me what they knew, I would tell them their husband was cheating on them. Anyone who saw this evidence would tell me you are having an affair." He continued to lie, but that gut realization about how others would see it was a little turning point for me, and the next time something suspicious came up, I didn’t let it go.

You’re in a different situation, and I don’t know what is best for you. But my point is that there is sometimes wisdom in crowds. Your sense that outsiders would wonder why you put up with repeated affairs and advise you to leave your husband is correct. You may resist that advice not because you’re a fool or weak, but because you’re compassionate and hopeful and have significant skin in the game. But still, the fact is that most people would look at your situation and say "Hey, he’s a serial cheater with massive boundary and ethics issues. Staying with him is dangerous on an emotional and practical level." Listen to that crowd wisdom even if you don’t follow it. Start taking some of the smaller practical steps advised by previous posters. They are low stakes and high reward steps. Get into individual counseling, take care of yourself, and start protecting yourself financially.

You are a hospice nurse. That means you have strength that most of us don’t even know about. You can figure this out and move forward in the best way for you and your kids, one step at a time. ❤️

[This message edited by Grieving at 11:54 PM, Wednesday, August 3rd]

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 235   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8748178
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 12:37 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

You are not weak. You are normal. Most of us betrayeds took more than we should have. You were invested in your family. You probably couldn't conceive of betraying someone you love or blowing up your family so it was easier to believe he made a mistake and was sorry.

It's a trauma and it's godawful painful. To rugsweep is to relieve the pain. Most of us would do just about anything to have that relief. Again, my point is, your reactions are normal, how you've handled the past is common. You are not weak.

I'd like to interest you in a pair of bitch boots, tho. ;) I have a feeling they are going to look great on you.

About the girls: you are showing them how they should expect to be treated. They may lose a traditional looking family but they won't lose their parents or the love both of you will provide. What they will gain however is a valuable lesson on self respect and a kick ass mom who took care of business when it mattered most.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8748182
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Yeah, your reactions are 100% normal. I spent a year in false R knowing he was contacting his LTA AP throughout. It’s hard to face the truth— it’s just so unbelievable. I did contact the AP. It felt good for a minute, but all I did was feed her ego and set back my own healing. But I TOTALLY get the desire….. so normal. (Also, it’s easier for us to be angry the APs than our spouses. Both are crappy people but only one took a vow with us. The AP is just someone who was available and easy - nothing special about them at all.)


Take care of you and your girls. Get into IC. Start lining up those ducks to protect yourself from financial harm.
Make sure you are getting sleep, healthy food, exercise.
You will get through this.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748183
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 1:18 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

I refused to speak to the AP, as I do not talk to sh*t lying on the ground. She tries to engage me, even involving my children, but I’m too good to speak to trash, and she wants a fight so I’m not gonna give her what she wants.

I, too, did not want to break up my children’s family, but guess what—my WS left us!! Then filed for D on me! mad

Go now, secretly to see an atty. That’s what I did. He told me what steps to take, and IF I separated, what that was going to look like financially. When I found out my WS had filed for D on me, my atty and I were ready and shocked the heck out of my WS by serving him papers and asked for specific demands.

My counselor told me,when it was time to D my WS, that children need to live in reality. She said they can process that better. The IC and I (I got the kids in to see my IC for a time), told them their father had a girlfriend and it was completely unacceptable to me. That they could still see and love their father, but we would not be together. We told them I will provide a very safe, happy home for them to grow up in.

I feel like I should tell you one thing that helped me was my friend said he hated his mother for making them grow up with tension (and abuse in his home). He said his siblings would rather have had a happy, functional home and gone to visit their Dad. They also knew from their friends (when they got to High School) what their Dad was up to -cheating..... Another friend said her parents divorced, and she knew very quickly which type of parent and home life she wanted when she got older.

(((StayorGo)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:38 AM, Thursday, August 4th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5444   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8748184
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 2:39 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

I realize that I am in the minority, but I contacted the AP and I never regretted it for a second. I would caution you though, that any information you hope to gain will be unreliable. Odds are that they have orchestrated their responses and you can't rely on any information that's shared.

In my case though, the AP was also married, and I made it known that I was aware of what had transpired, and that I had no shame. If I wanted to contact his spouse, then I would (and I eventually did), and I told him that if I wanted to contact or talk to anyone, then I would. He was like a freshman sent to the principal's office for the first time, and I made it clear that I had the upper hand. He and my wife worked for the same company, and I made it clear that neither of their jobs was more important to me than my marriage, and I would do whatever I thought was best. I made that clear to my wife as well.

I guess the lesson I preach is to be true to yourself first. Clearly they put themselves first when they had an affair, and I made it known that I would do the same.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8748186
Topic is Sleeping.
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