I'm not here to convince you of anything. I'm here to tell you. I find this post completely offensive, out of touch, just plain mean, meant to spread hate and division and more than anything, meant to compare pain and somehow seek sympathy by pretending that WS's don't have any reason to be anything but overjoyed by their experience.
It is not my intention to minimize the pain and burden and life-changing trauma that every BS goes through. That's a pain that's been compared to death and war and found to be just as traumatic, if not moreso. I would never minimize the pain a BS feels or try to degrade them for feeling that way. But that doesn't mean they "own the market" on pain, or that the pain of others, even WS's, doesn't exist or doesn't matter. Big middle finger up on that one.
This post makes it seems as if a WS's life is sparkly rainbows and unicorns after an affair. Oh wee! Yay! My marriage is over and my spouse hates me more than Hitler! Oh joy! I ruined my kids ability to trust anyone in a relationship ever again! What a blessing! I think back about living a double life, looking over my shoulder every moment, the stress and anxiety, being buried under lies and deceptions and hiding every facet of my life, and I think, "Gosh I miss those days!". And the best part is, I got to go through 50 years of trauma and C-PTSD until I had a literal mental breakdown and my mind shattered itself from the damage done to me as a kid, the abuse, the neglect, the child rape... yes, those loving, wonderful things that I got to go through and broke my ability to learn to love myself or anyone else, and as a very special reward for that, I got to repeat the same things on my wife and kids and now they can share my wonderful life too! Life doesn't get any better than that, does it! FUN FUN FUN!
I'm sorry you're hurt. Truly, I am. You didn't deserve it then and still don't now. It will never be "okay". It will never be fair. It will never be forgotten or minimized. It will suck until the day you die. For those things, you have my sympathy and understanding. I am sorry you have to suffer this way. It isn't right. And it isn't fair that you or any other BS has to go through the bullshit aftermath of more lies, TT, gas-lighting and the complete lack of empathy and ownership that most WS's (myself included) put their BS's through. I don't blame any BS for hating WS's. It's a reasonable way to feel about someone who did so much damage to you, and doesn't even seem to have to deceny to "get it".
That being said, if you haven't walked a mile in another's shoes, then not let's go defining what the experience is like for the other person. Adultery isn't like you see on an episode of
"Desperate Housewives". It isn't hot, passionate, amazing sex with someone who looks like a model. It isn't a love story like "Bridges of Madison County". You might look at a drunk person dancing on a table and think, "Oh, see, they are having great fun", but if you actually know any alcoholics, you'll know that being an alcoholic is gross, deadly, painful, family-splitting, job-losing, feeling-worthless, wanting to die and doing so by drinking yourself to death kind of thing. Saying it's FUN because you saw them dancing on the table (shortly before puking, falling down, getting hurt and then kicked out of the bar and fined for damages) is kinda myopic, you know?
I'm so upset my hands are shaking and I can barely type these words.
You are entitled to your opinion of course, and if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. I can't stop that. But let's stop the narrative that BS's suffer and WS's are happy little fairies and that having an affair somehow makes all the pain afterward "totally worth it and FUN FUN FUN". That's bullshit and I don't have the words (and that's really saying something) to describe how offensive and belittling and demeaning it is.
WS's aren't "great people" for having an affair. But no one has an affair who isn't already broken in the first place. No one who loves themselves has an affair. No one who has healthy boundaries and a sense of dignity and purpose has an affair. No one who is capable of being a decent human being in the first place has an affair because they were bored and it sounded like a good time. WS's are broken people who, like other addicts, end up making their own pain worse with their own, stupid and ill-conceived actions. We don't poop rainbows after having an affair. There are several stories on SI of WS's committing suicide after an affair. Happy happy joy joy?
I'm certain you'd be pissed if someone else minimized and trivialized your pain and experience. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you, and that your life has been altered in ways that you never asked for or wanted. It will never be okay, and I don't expect you will ever feel safe again in some regards. And to be fair, you have no responsibility whatsoever to try and understand what a WS feels or experiences or goes through. If you had been mugged instead of cheated on, I wouldn't expect you to feel sympathy for your mugger. Fair enough. But let's also not pretend that spending years getting your ass beat and raped in jail is a delight because he got the FUN of mugging you first. Hurt people hurt people.
Why this was posted in the R forum is beyond me. Nothing about this has to do with R.
As an aside, thank you to the BS's who came back and posted their thoughts and experiences as well. I know not every BS feels this way, and every situation is unique unto itself. But holy hell, am I tired of hearing how WS's don't seem to even have a right to their own pain and regret and remorse for the dumb-ass decisions they made.
Yes, WS's who don't do the work and choose to instead remain in "la la land" may seem like they don't give a shit, much like a heroin user doesn't give a shit about their own life or those of the people that love them, because the addiction overrides their ability to think and feel clearly. That doesn't mean they don't feel. It means they are too broken to respond to that pain in a healthy way, and can't think of others because they (currently) lack the coping skills to do so. Lacking an ability, and being an asshole, are two different things. Assholes are assholes because they enjoy being assholes. Broken people are assholes because they are broken. Assholes never change. Broken people sometimes do.