Did you feel conflicted and insecure at 2 years post D-Day
As I’m sure many of you are aware of my situation and I’m back for some advice.
It’s been nearly 27 months post D-Day and things are OK. A big emphasis on "OK"
Things feel strange.. I really can’t explain it… Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes things can be ok for a few weeks and then it sort of goes flat again. This is from my side. She seems to try to deal with the ups and downs as goos as she can.
I am aware of the Plain of Lethal Flatness, but I have been there before and it feels different to that
The reason for me posting was to see if anyone else felt or feels like I do right now? Does it pass? I know everyone is different but I feel sort of stuck right now. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want here to leave me. But I feel like I'm stuck. No matter which way I turn I feel stuck. I still find it extremely difficult trying to move past what happened. But it feels like I’m in a depressive state at the moment.
After just over two years I feel deflated and possibly bored. I really don’t want to use the word bored. But I keep thinking maybe that’s what it is, I’m bored…..
I love my wife. But in some ways I can’t get past what happened. I try so hard. She continues to try. She has said we will get there and we will get through this. But I wake up some days and I feel flat. My security has gone. But by the time the evening comes I’m tired. It feels like the night is better than the day. I feel paranoia too… Mostly in the day when I’m away from her.
My question is… Is this normal. Did you feel this way and if so, for how long? When does it go away. It’s the depression and the paranoia that is hard. I just want to feel secure.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, August 9th, 2023
Have I self-destructed and wrecked my own marriage.
You guys have helped me so many times over the past couple of years and I’m extremely grateful.
I’m about to enter a period of "this time two years ago". I remember feeling the same when it happened last year, when I entered the "this time last year" period. But this year it feels different. Shouldn’t this be getting easier by now? If I’m honest, things have got better. But the sting is still there. The thoughts and feelings are still present. But I manage them better.
But things have changed. Am I mad? Has it really changed or am I looking at things differently? Am I asking for too much? Am I wanting too much to fast? I have I self-destructed and wrecked any sort of chance of fixing my marriage.
I keep thinking, I didn’t cause this. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t want to be here. Just like many of you I hate where I have ended up.
I still don’t believe that I have the full story from my wife. I still believe that the truth is the version that I believe. Not what she wants me to believe. But I won’t bore you, as you have heard me drone on about this to many times in the past.
But what I would like to ask is, did your WH or WW change 2 years into the process? Where you still arguing? Did you want more than they were able to give? Or was it a case of no matter how hard they tried, it may still not be enough. It may never be enough.
My wife really tries to help me through this. She will check in on me daily. She will say she loves me multiple times per day. She is always where she says she is and she is loving and caring. BUT…. When we argue and the affair is brought up, which it still is, at times. May be once every 3 weeks or so things turn nasty.
In the middle of a bad argument, she at times threatens me and says that she will leave as I clearly can’t get over this or maybe I should leave. She has said that I need to get over it. It happened a long time ago and that I’m acting like a child. She says I’m selfish and only think about myself.
But then when the argument has blown over and we are talking civil, she will say she is sorry and she didn’t mean it. She said that she gets angry too. But she doesn’t mean what she says.
Did you have these issues? I suppose in my head, because she cheated, maybe I think that I can say whatever I want and she has to take it. She should take it because she cheated. Bare in mind I’m not being nasty in the way of name calling, but more in the way of stating facts. I shouldn’t keep bring these things up every time things get hard, but as I said at the start, I’m struggling. Still even now.
Did you wayward continue to do everything they could to make you heal or was there times when they would retaliate and not be the perfect wayward that you wish and believed they should now be. Because I suppose at the end of the day just because she cheated doesn’t mean she won’t get angry
May be the problem is now me. May be I'm not letting us heal.
I just don't know whats real anymore. Is she genuine? May be she is. But may be im the one thats in the end will be the one that destroys what we had.
26 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023
It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future
I’m coming up to 22 months post DDay next month. Next month will be hard as this is when my wife’s affair started.
She is putting in the work and we are still working at fixing our marriage. But I feel that maybe I should be in a better place by now.
Her affair is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I hate the way it makes me feel.
There are times when I see here laughing with my daughter, just getting on with life. Why does she get to sing and dance and have fun while I’m left in the dark black hole. It feels like so much of my life has changed since the affair 2 years ago. It feels like my life is falling apart. I’m losing my mum as she is in the last stages of dementia. My daughter is about to leave home and move away to university and my marriage is badly broken. My life use to be so simple and feel like I had everything. Now I feel like I’m losing what was my life. It’s not what it used to be.
My wife shows me love every day. She apologises. But sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. Her AP now has a new partner, but how do I know she doesn’t still hold something for him. She isn’t thinking about him and what they use to had.
I know that I will never know that she wont do it again. But that doesn't stop me hoping that as some point I will get some feeling that I know she has learnt by her mistake and wont hurt me again.
I just don't know how to get through the next few months. I remember these feelings last year at the 1 year mark, but I just see year two as being different.
The feelings have to start to fade and get slightly better at some point don't they?
It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future
6 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2023
Is there a difference between the words and meaning "I love you" & "Love you"?
We may be splitting hairs here, but my WW and I are splitting hairs over what what was said and what it means.
She says the affair partner text her and said "Love you" and she says, she text back and said "you too". She said it was only said once and has been taken out of context and wasn't meant like that.
Does love you and I love you mean the same thing? Could that be taken out of context?
I don't know if I believe it was only said once but then i think the affair only went on for two months.
30 comments posted: Saturday, November 26th, 2022
Where were you at 18 months post DDay?
Im approaching 18 months post DDay on the 22nd November.
Who would have thought, we would have made it 18 months. At the time, it felt like our world together was ending and it did in a way. But fast forward 18 months and we are still together.
Are we good? Lets say we are OK (at times)
Have I had the truth? Lets say I believe not. But is that because her truth doesn't match what I believe happened in my head. So no matter whats said, I see as a lie.
Am I happy? Lets say things are different.
How did you feel at 18 months post Dday? What were your feelings? Were you still having second thoughts? Was you WW doing all the right things or did you feel they could still do more.
To me it feels like something is missing. It feels like no matter what I do it will never give here the feeling that she had in the affair. I just feel that we are not enough anymore and something big is missing.
I know everyone is different. But it would be good to compare my feelings to others at the same stage in the process.
I cant help feeling that I should be feeling different to how I'm feeling right now.
26 comments posted: Thursday, November 17th, 2022
16 months past DDay and now its Flatlined
Hello Once again.
I seem to be struggling over the past few weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. In fact they seem to be going a bit flat.
I have been trying to move past my wifes 8 week affair for the past 16 months. When things are good, they are ok. When things are bad they are bad.
As I'm sure, so many of you are aware. Its so, so hard, and I see why a lot of people just can't do it.
Things are good in the bedroom. My wifes always checks in to see how I am throughout the day. She always says she loves me, she always comes and gives me a cuddle and she can tell when I'm down. But its just not enough.
She sees me as being very critical over everything she does. She sees that even though i know she is doing everything is criticise what she is doing because it just doesn't cut for me.
I will say things such as her texts saying she loves me seems like a routine and just words. I will say sex is just routine to try and keep me happy. I will say she doesn't want me the way she wanted her AP. This could and probably is all just in my head and possibly is just me being jealous. But its causing problems.
I asked her to read one of the articles from the healing Library and how a Betrayed spouse feels and what they need to do. She said she gets it and feels my pain.
However, I still don't feel I'm getting the truth. Some of the things she says just seems impossible to be true. She keeps saying the affair was a mistake and she hates it and what she has done. But she cant explain how she was able to go out and meet her AP every night. I know this is something she needs to work on with a IC. But while I'm not getting the answers I'm not allowing us to move on.
At what stage do I just give up trying to get my version of the truth? Because my IC said that I have a version of events in my head. Now because her story doesn't match with what happened I'm saying its lies and i don't believe her.
How do I know whats the truth and what is my head playing games with me. After all I have been hurt, I'm suffering a trauma. Whats real and whats not?
While I'm trying to get things clear in my head I think I'm pushing her away.
When we argue in a big way, she will say tings such as she is done and she means it. She cant do this anymore. She will say she is going to go and tell her parents what she has done as we cant live like this.
Most of the time we are fine and we get through the days. But times she will say the above.
Then when we are fine she says that she gets angry too. Its frustrating as I'm not accepting her version of the truth. But I have a feeling in my gut that its just a story to protect me and our relationship.
After last nights arguing and saying she has had enough we did eventually make up. But this morning she texted me and said that she loves me so so much. I text back and said I love her to but this is making me ill. She said she can see that and she thinks I shouldn't be with her any more because I don't believe the things she says and I look at her differently.
Im confused. Because I read some much on her that the wayward spouse will do what ever they cant to fix things. My wife does do that. But at times its like she is threatening to leave me with out saying the words. Its like she wants to leave but doesn't have the guts. But when things are good, i can see she loves me. I really can.
Im confused, I'm tired and I'm heart broken. I don't know how much more I can take.
She says one minute we will get through this together and we will be ok and the next she is telling me she cant do this and thinks i shouldn't be with her because of what she has done and that she has been cruel.
I understand that if she is telling the truth it must be frustrating.
I understand that there will be the POLF. I am going through that at the moment. Im also feeling that im not good enough or what my wifes wants.
But is this normal behaviour from a WS thats wanting to fix the damage they caused?
Please note that my wife is doing everything she can and i really do mean everything but for me at the moment its just not enough
48 comments posted: Saturday, September 10th, 2022
14 months into reconciliation. If thats what you can call it
Well 14 months into reconciliation, if thats what you can call it.
I don't know if we can do this anymore.... Its so hard....
It feels like we have gone backwards.
My WW is doing everything on the surface to make things good. She has been nothing but consistent.
But its like she is willing to talk about my pain. She is willing to listen, but when I start to drill down into the feelings, the whys, the how's and so on. She changes.
She says I have the truth and all my answers. If you have read my previous posts you will see my story. But I think thats the version she wants to me believe. I 100% think she is trying to rug sweep.
She says, how the affair meant nothing to her and neither did her AP. But she keeps telling me that I know how she felt. She will says there were no feelings and she didn't want him. But she did enjoy time with the AP. The AP made her happy, they had fun and a laugh and she looked forward to seeing him every day.
Am I looking to much into this now. It happened 14 months ago? She has gone NC. She is showing me that she wants us and wants me. Should I be letter it go.
Im stuck with the thoughts about, how she felt about another man while with me. I cant get that out my head. Its worse than the thought of them having sex.
I dont get how she can turn off her feelings. Because when i look at her i see it in her eyes. Its like when i talk about their time together her eyes fill up. Maybe thats me being paranoid, I just dont know.
I keep thinking, she wants him, but is stuck with me. Im standing in her way of being happy with some one she really wants.
Because lets face it. If she had to chose between an exciting affair leaving the problems at home or she has the stress of reconciliation. Which one sound more appealing.
Over the past couple of months or so when we have argued badly, she will say that she is tired. She cant do this anymore. She says that I'm horrible to her at times and say nasty things. She says im wrapped up in my self to see how she is feeling. She says I don't see how this has affected her and that she hates what she has done to me and her family. She says she knows she has done wrong, but I cant expect her to sit there and take it. We have to move on and make a better life.
She says that I need to be careful, because just like I could leave at anytime, so can she. She keeps warning me that one day I might be on my own because she cant do this for ever. She says she wants me, she loves me but this has to stop. She doesn't want him she wants me and us.
Today, she is giving me the cold shoulder. She is the one that told me that she enjoyed spending time with the AP and looked forward to seeing him every day and its me thats getting the cold shoulder from her.
She just keeps saying I talk horrible to her at times. Which I admit I have done, but only in really bad arguments, which happen once every few months.
All I keep thinking now is that she is thinking about her affair in such a positive way. She says she is not and I'm not listening. She doesn't look back and think positive about the affair, she hates it. But she is telling me how it felt at the time. She keeps saying that was then and this is now.
Is that right? Should I be looking at it that way.
Im lost, I feel a bit trapped. Not because i want to leave. but just because no matter which way i turn I'm haunted by a man i have never met.
Why is she telling me how she felt at the time of the affair if she says she hates the affair looking back and what she has done
27 comments posted: Saturday, August 6th, 2022
The cheating wayward just has to sit and wait. For them it will all be ok in the end - whatever the outcome
How is it fair?
How do you deal with the fact that the wayward spouse gets to have all the fun, the sex and the excitement.
They take the chance, take up the opportunity and then when the shit hits the fan, all they have to do is sit tight and wait. Say the right things and hope that they don't loose their life. the life that they were willing to put on the line and gamble for a bit of excitement with someone new.
They just have to wait for the betrayed spouse to get over the pain. Even if thats a year, 2 years, 3 years or whatever, they just sit tight and wait.
Because if you do manage to reconcile surely its all been worth it. They managed to get their cake and eat it. They had the sex and they managed to keep hold of their life. Its win, win for them and a massive lose for the betrayed.
But the betrayed life has been changed for ever. We will always have the scares, while they have the nice memories. No matter what they try and say.
Whether we stay in the betrayed relationship or move on. We will always carry around the burden of the waywards affair.
I asked my wife the exact same questions. She come out with some crap about, how she has to live with herself every single day knowing what she has done. I don't buy it.!!!
If you are a wayward and can convince me other wise. Please go ahead.
47 comments posted: Sunday, July 10th, 2022
Reconciliation - But feel so distant
I thought I would post as I need some support from people that have been there and lived what I'm going through right now.
We have been in reconciliation for a while now and I must say things are hard. But we are still together fighting and when things are good they are really good but when things are bad they can be really bad.
Everyone on here has always been so supportive and its one of them times, when I just need a virtual hug and to be told that I can do this.
Is it normal to feel disconnected at 13 months post DDay.....
I cant really explain how I'm feeling. But my Wife is doing everything she can. She is always giving me hugs, kisses texting to see if I'm ok and saying how much she loves me. She has been consistent with that for the whole 13 months and still is.
So why do I feel so distant?
I know I love her. But it feels like our relationship is very flat since her affair.
Its like the whole relationship is no longer as sharp but is now fuzzy around the edges and doesn't feel the same.
I feel very needy. It feels like I want her to be around me all the time and I want to hear from her on text when she isn't.
About 6 months after DDay she would have a way of making me feel good and better on days I was down. She would text and say how much she loved me and it felt like I felt it in my stomach. It would lift me up on the darkest days. She still does that to this day. But it feels different. It doesn't really lift me up anymore when i read that she loves me so much or what ever else. I just look at it and read it but its just words.
Why does it feel like that. Has anyone else felt like this?
I spend time with her but it feels like something is missing. I suppose if I'm 100% honest I cant accept that may be she want us and not the life with her AP.
If you have read my previous posts you will see that I struggle with the fact I think she had feelings for him and possibly still does. She swears this isn't true and over her 2 month affair he just made her feel good, they had fun and they had a laugh.
Sometimes I think she is here because of our kids. Even though if I stand outside the situation she does everything she can to try and fix us. She really, really does. There have been times when I have pushed her away and she still stays. There have been times when we have screamed at each other and called each other names, things have got really bad but she hasn't left. She could have and so could i. But we are both still here.
If I'm honest I just cant accept what she did. Im trying, I really am. But I just cant see how she could do it to me. She keeps saying, she is sorry and she knows she has done wrong but it happened and she cant change that no mater how much she wants to. She is right but its still hard to hear.
If I was standing outside the box and looking at the situation from the outside I would be saying my wife is genuine and really does want to fix everything and she truly is sorry.
But why do I feel I'm going to get hurt again and there is still unfinished business between her and her affair partner.
Is this how everyone feels at 1 year out?
19 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022
Saying one thing and then another still a year post Dday
Im looking for some advice...
My wife and I were talking on Friday evening and a few things were said.
These were her words.
"I don't need to go through the questions with an IC as I already know the answers to the questions, I just don't know how to tell you".
So I asked what she meant by that. She got teary eyed and i said you did have feelings for him didn't you. She looked away, I could tell she wanted to admit it to get it off her chest. I said you don't want to lie to me anymore do you just be honest. I said you did didn't you and she nodded.
I then said you wanted to be with him to. She said don't do this. I said look in my eyes, she couldn't and asked me to hold her. I did and then said you wanted him didn't you and she said yes.
Then within minutes she changed again.
She then said. It wasn't feelings that she had for him. She keeps saying you know how I felt.
"He mad me feel good"
"We had a laugh"
"we had fun"
"He made me feel wanted"
She keeps saying the affair was meaningless and should never have happened. But from she has said about how he made her feel thats not meaningless.
She does everything she can to try and help me heal. But i don't think she is giving me the truth. Its clear she isn't giving me the truth.
I don't know what i can do.
On one hand she is telling me the affair is a mistake and should never have happened. It was horrible looking back and doesn't look at it as being positive in any way. She hates herself and the AP for what they have both done and wishes she could turn back the clock but she cant.
But if thats true why is she still looking at the positives about how she felt at the time of the affair. Why isn't she riddled with guilt?
She could leave me at any time. She could have gone anytime in the past year. She still could as we have had some hard times in R over the past year. But she is still here. Telling me she loves me. Telling me we will get through this and that its me she wants to be with.
But why is she tearing up when I mentioned the feelings. Is it shame, is it that she doesn't want to hurt me or is it she is missing him.
Feelings don't just come and go. She must still feel something and she must miss him.
But at Dday she told me when she was drunk. She then the next day said she would end it with the AP if thats what I wanted her to do. But she has always been honest and said there was no plans on ending it but it wouldn't have gone on for ever.
Its like she is honest about somethings and not about others.
Because i have been told one thing and then another so many times and it keeps happening i cant not heal. I cant even start because i cant trust what she is saying. Im second guessing.
She is doing everything for our marriage but she isn't giving me the truth and she isnt being fair to me as a person
28 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022
Well I made the 1 year point. Now what ??
As the title says - I have made it to the one year point... Now what?
As I'm sure many of you are aware, if you have been reading my posts from the start, its been rocky road. Just like most on here.....
Sunday saw DDay.
I spoke with my wife the day before Dday and asked her if she knew what tomorrow was. She said yeah. I asked her if she was going to mention it or just let it pass by. She said she didn't know. She doesn't know if she would have said anything. I left it as that and waited to see what the day brought.
DDay arrived and nothing was said either by me or my wife. One thing I did notice was she was there hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me.
I waited until we went to be and said that she didn't mention it. She said, why would she. We spoke about it the day before and there was no reason to bring it up. She said that i have stressed in the past that i didn't want her saying sorry, even though she really is. She said she knew today would be playing on mu mind, but she was there for me. Even if she didn't mention it.
Should I be bothered that she didn't mention it?Does it mean she doesn't care? Does it mean she is just brushing it under the carpet or the fact that she isn't thinking about how i would be feeling. I would like to think that none of the above is true. I would like to thing that even though she was thinking about it she was truly sorry and didn't just hope it wouldn't get mentioned to give her an easy day.
It really did look like she was trying to be there for me yesterday. Now a year has gone I'm hoping that I can try and pick myself up a little bit more off the floor.
But then the demons in my head are trying to come back out. They are saying. DDay yesterday was a day my life turned upside down but DDay to her was the day that her affair come to an end and she lost the person she was happy with. She said this isn't the case and she doesn't even think about him. She knows this was the biggest mistake of her life and she is sorry for everything. She just wants our life back.
To say im scared is an understatement. I keep telling myself its been a year. She even said last night, if she didn't want to be here with me she could have gone. But she wants me and wants or lives back.
DDay a year ago seems like yesterday, however may be DDay to her a year ago may seem like a year ago. A year is a long time. I just hope what ever feelings she had for him have gone. But how will I know.
When she picks up her phone I feel uneasy, I just don't know how to get up and brush myself down and move forward. She is doing everything she can but at times its not enough. I don't actually know what more she can do. But a year on, thats an achievement. I didn't think we would make 1 month never mind 1 year. We are stronger, we communicate but its like im waiting for him to pip back into our lives.
How were you exactly one year post DDAy?
7 comments posted: Monday, May 23rd, 2022
Is this a bad trigger or is it something else
Im after some advice.
Over the past week or so I have been feeling a little low. Like my wife is getting bored of trying or doesn't seem to be doing the things she use to do in order to help me heal. When i stand back and look outside the box I can see my wife still does a hell of a lot and maybe something in my head is playing tricks on me. But its like a gut feeling that I'm not enough and she is bored.
But last night we went for a walk and ended up in some country side lanes surrounded by fields and dirt tracks. As soon as I got there I had this vision. It was a trigger. This is the exact type of place that my wife use to meet her AP. It was sunny, it was quiet and i could smell the cut Grass. In my head all I could see is a movie playing, them running through the grass hand in hand with the sun shining and the blue sky behind them with out a care in the world.
I felt a little low before this happened but now I cant get out my head what I experienced last night. When we were walking around it just felt flat and boring. I even said to her don't you think it feel a little flat and she said no.
When we got home I explained that I got triggered and she said. Don't, you shouldn't think that. It was like she was going to say don't you it wasn't like that but she knows it was and changed her wording.
All i cam think about now is that she had so much fun, she was happy and she felt good. But when we walk around its boring. I will never be able to compare to the feeling the AP give her or even the affair. But i feel like i dot have a chance because that was everything and we are nothing. Its not like she even ended the affair before she told me on DDAY.
I have had triggers before like a certain car or a song, But this is different. Is this just me having a bad day because i have had a bad trigger or is it my feelings changing because i think im not enough and our marriage can never be what it needs to be.
Or am i just blowing things out of proportion because clearly my wife is doing what she needs to do still but because im having a bad dad im letting my head take over wit the negative thoughts.
Anyone else had this at around at about12 months out
9 comments posted: Friday, May 13th, 2022
A year on and things have changed
Yet another post from me banging on once again........
As I'm sure you are all aware I'm coming up to 1 year post DDAY. Its been a roller coaster but I thought we were getting there.
My wofe has been trying so hard. She was willing to answer my questions, go to IC and CC and so on. However in the past week or so my wife has said we need to stop the daily questions and the affair talk. She understands we need to talk about it but not every single day. I agree we need to limit this to give us a chance of moving on.
Over the past year my wife has done everything to try and fix this. Even now she is still trying really hard, however things feel like they have changed.
Our communication is great, our sex life is better than ever and she does everything she can to make me feel wanted. But things really have changed. I said this to her. I had a gut feeling. I always said I would trust my gut after the affair. Over the past week or so she seems to be down. She looks un happy.
I asked her a few times over the past week and she has been saying, we are ok and nothing is wrong. But today she admitted that she feels tired and is unable to relax.
I Googled this and it come back saying being tried and unable to relax after and affair is to do with grief or missing some one.
I asked her about this and she states that she isn't missing him.Its not about him. Its about us. She said look at what she has done. She just wants us to be good again with out the shit.
I cant help thinking that she is really missing him and thats why she is feeling this way. I see written all over her face that she is down.
She has just finished the time of the month which she agrees could have caused her to feel this way.
She keeps saying none of this is about him and its just about us. She said she just feels tired and at times feels like she could cry.
A few weeks ago we were laughing and joking hand in hand. Now it seems a black cloud is right over the top of us.
Is she feeling depressed because of what she has done or is she now really missing him because its been a year. Or could it be worse could she be getting cold feet and thinking about contacting him or even may already have been in contact with him?
Im looking for advice on if you guys or your WS have felt this way.
Thank again for the advice and listening
13 comments posted: Thursday, May 12th, 2022
The feeling of not being enough
Im just after some more advice.
When you were going through the reconciliation stage did you feel like you wasn't enough or not really what your spouse wanted.
Its been nearly a year since DDay and even though my wife is doing everything she can to try and make things slightly better, there are still times when I get the feeling that I'm just not enough or not what she really wants.
I look at her sometimes and think is she feeling down, she doesn't seem herself and I question if she is missing her AP or what they had.
I have seen her AP and he is a good looking guy, physically fit and in really good shape. He is everything I am not, or everything I think i am not.
I have spoken to my wife about this and she says that he is not all them things and she wants me for me, she loves me and she does find me attractive and I am what she wants.
But I just cant help thinking, why would she want me when she could have him. She has had 20 years of me and it must be boring compared to the exciting fun that she had when she was having the affair.
She has already admitted that he made her feel good and they had fun. How can I compete with that? The sex must have been out of this world too. Sex with some one new after 2o years that is physically fit as he works out in the gym 3 days a week must have been so uplifting for her. I often think is she thinking of him or does she find our sex life boring compared to what she had this time last year.
She says she loves what we have and isn't thinking of him or even comparing. But that cant be true can it? The excitement the good feelings of being wanted by some one so good looking must have given her a right ego boost. Why would she want to stay with me when I'm the person that caused her to stray and have the affair in the first place.
It just doenst make sense
34 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022
A year ago today
A year ago today my wife was in bed with another man
Well, today is the day that I have been dreading for some time.
As I'm sure you guys that have read my previous posts will know today to this exact minute a year ago was when my wife was in ned with another man.
I don't know how I feel to be honest. I think the build up to this has been worse than the time itself.
My wife has text me a couple of times today with everyday stuff like I love you this morning which she normally does and did you eat your dinner. But apart from that nothing else has been mentioned.
She has always said she doesn't know the exact date she slept with him but she could easily take a look on the calendar as she booked time off work. She also knew it was at the end of April. I think she knows its today and thats why she hast text much at all compared to what she normally does.
I don't know if I should bring it up. In a way I don't want to remind her of the affair and the exact things that happened a year ago today. But at the same time its eating me up inside not talking about it. I know talking about it is pointless and gets us no where. But why hasn't she mentioned it. She can see I'm struggling.
In my head she just wants this day to pass without it being mentioned. That way she can mourn what she lost or what she had a year ago today.
How did you deal with the dates that had significance. Does it really matter to you or your spouse and for all i know the AP could be thinking about it too.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, April 27th, 2022
When you do everything right, but its just not enough
Im in need of a bit of advice.
For any of you that have read my posts over the past 12 months you will see that I'm struggling, even after a year.
May be I'm not seeing whats in front of my face as my WW has done everything you would expect to help me heal.
* Change Mobile Number
* Change town
* Cut contact with AP
* Terminate all Social Media Accounts
and much more
How ever - She has told me when, where, how and so on. But it feels like things are being held back.
She says it started with texts but wont say who initiated the affair. She seems to say what she thinks i want to hear too. She she he made her happy and feel good. But now because I said thats bad she says he did make her feel good but it wasn't happiness. She said it was fun. But because fun sounds bad in her head, she said she used the word happy. Its always HE made her happy, HE made her feel good, its never the affair made her feel good.
Last night I asked why he made her feel good. She said three times that he didn't make her feel good. But in the past she admitted it. I asked a fourth time and she said, yes he did make her feel good. Why did she lie. She said but she admitted it in the end and i knew that anyway. But why say no. Its a small lie but still a lie.
We are at a point where she will say she loves me all the time, check in to see if I'm ok in the day and so many other things.
She said last night in bed she loved me. I said "no you don't". She said it again a few minutes later and I again said "no you don't". She then tried hold my hand in bed and i pulled away.
Normally when i get home from work she will kiss me and hug me along with when she leaves for work in the mornings she will do the same. However last night I said don't do that any more, because I find it makes me feel uncomfortable at times. I didn't think she would go through with it and not do them things. But today she didn't kiss me good bye she hasn't texted me or checked in.
Its like she has done wrong and she is punishing me. She really really does everything she can to show me she loves me and wants me but at times its like its not enough.
Should I stop playing the little games and text her and say sorry or should I leave it as it is and let her come to me. But I don't know if she will now after what was said last night.
21 comments posted: Friday, April 22nd, 2022
A couple of questions from both sides of the fence
Its me again.
Firstly I would like to thank everyone thats taken the time to respond and give an input and support with regards to my posts over the past 12 month's.
Im looking for some more advice.
Its still early days for my wife and I as its only just coming up to one year. But I'm looking for people thats been on both sides of the fence.
Im finding that, when I'm with my wife I feel safer, than I do when we are apart. As she is the one that had the affair I guess thats part of the recovery. But how do i do this for years to come?
When I'm at work, if she doesn't text me and check in by a certain time, I get all sorts of feelings and thoughts going through my head. Thats very needy, I know. I think is she on social media texting him. Does she have new accounts, a new email address or even another phone. In a weird sort of way I know she hasn't got a phone, I sort of think she isn't in contact with him but something in my head is trying to say "but how do you really know"?
She promises she is not and will never be in touch with him again. But how do I really know. I know the answer, I don't. But it doesn't make it any easier to handle.
For all the BS, how did you handle the insecurities the lack of trust and the just not knowing.
Every single day I wake up and watch my wife go off to work. She texts me ever day saying how she loves me and I really have nothing to be worried about. But in my head I do. She betrayed me, by taking time off work. I thought she was in work but she was in another mans bed.
But from the side of the betrayer. If you decided to end your affair and make things work with your spouse, did you mean what you said. So if you said you would never contact he AP again did you mean it or were they just words, because thats what the BS needed to hear?
I want to believe my wife, because she is saying all the right things, but is that it, are they just words. She is doing all the right things too but its just I feel my trust has completely gone.
I admit I'm scared of it all happening again.
I still believe I'm not being told about her true feelings at the time of the affair and at times I think she must be missing what she had with he AP. She swears blind she doesn't think about him or what they had and just wants to get on with our lives. But I'm really not sure.
I just live me life at the moment in a sad place looking over my shoulder hoping she doesn't hurt me again.
My wife see's my pain and says she feels it, but it doesn't make it any better. She keeps saying sorry but knows that its not sorry that I'm after as it means nothing. I need her to tell me it was all a big mistake and it never really happened.
But it did. And not only do I have to try and get myself through the feelings that I'm going through but I am also lumbered with the burden of their affair.
16 comments posted: Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
The Difference Between Remorse and Guilt After Cheating
The Difference Between Remorse and Guilt After Cheating
Im after some advice.
How do I know for sure that my wife truly feels remorse rather than guilt for cheating.
May be she feels both, but a lot of time it comes across like she is sorry for the hurt that she has caused, she is sorry for the people she has lied to but after all that i cant get out my head that she is sorry, yes but not for the affair its self.
She always says she is sorry. She says it shouldn't have happened and it was all he fault. But she always says she knows the hurt its caused, its hurt me, its hurt our kids and it wasn't real life. None of that says to me that she regrets the affair because of reasons that she feels towards the love for me and our family.
I cant really explain what I'm trying to say. But its always about the fact that it wasn't real life, she hurt people and not about her feelings of why it shouldn't have happened.
She always says sorry. But the apologies just seem a bit empty. I don't know if its guilt or remorse.
For our relationship to survive an affair, there must be a show of genuine remorse her part. I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing or if she just doesn't get it or feel my pain
5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 5th, 2022
How to manage the feelings of
My wife and I have managed to get to a point where a year ago she started having the affair.
The texting, the flirting, the feelings would all now be going on in her head this time last year.
But when I'm finding hard is were the feelings just going on this time last year or are they still there now a year on.
She said she isn't thinking this time last year. But I am so why isn't she. We have been making our marriage work, all contact has been cut but i still feel like she is holding on to something. The affair only lasted 2 months, but its damaged our 20 year relationship in such a big way. The problem is she didn't plan on ending the affair, she didn't get caught but she didn't come clean either. She had a bottle of wine and after three times asking and an argument she admitted the affair. So basically its not something she wanted to end either.
In the past year she has changed. She is loving, she give me reassurance, she is where she says she will be. She has changed her number and so much more. But something in my head is still on high alert. Its on even a more high alert now as the :this time last year thing.
On Saturday, a year ago they would have had their first kiss. She knows this date, She will be thinking about it even though she is saying to me it wont matter, she wont be thinking anything and just wants it all gone.
She says she looks at the affair as being a massive mistake, its horrible and should never have happened. She has sworn it would never, ever happen again and she wont hurt me.
Is it too soon to start believing her words. Even though I don't believe her its just I want to believe her. She is so convincing, but she did lie to me in the biggest way for the 2 months of the affair. She is probably lying to me now by saying she isn't thinking about it and it doesn't matter.
Does the "this time last year" exist of is it something i have made up and im making a big deal about.
Some advice form people the have been there would be good. Even from people that have cheated and done the this time last year thing.
45 comments posted: Thursday, March 31st, 2022
How do i deal with a DDay anniversary
I’m looking for a bit of advice.
Just under 12 months ago my wife of 20 years cheated on me having a 2 month affair. Shortly we will be coming up to the point of the "this time last year"
There will be many points where "this time last year" will be relevant.
This time last year, we started texting
This time last year, we first met up
This time last year, we first kissed
This time last year, we had sex and so on
This time last year DDay
There are so many milestones and it feels like and just going to have to relive them and the trauma all over again.
I have spoken to my wife and she said she doesn’t think that. I shouldn’t think that way. I have said to her, how will you not be thinking that way? She said she won’t be thinking that, but we all know she will.
I feel the anxiety building and don’t know what to do as my head feels like it’s going to explode. I feel the same kind of feelings creeping in that I felt on and around the months after DDay. When I found out about the affair, I kept telling myself it was a fling, it wasn’t a long affair. But I’m going to have to live it all over again and that’s going to be a long couple of months and will show me just how long 2 months really is.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can overcome this or deal with it, or even just a few words from someone that’s been there or living it right now. I have seen that people say that the build-up to the milestones are worse than the days themselves. But I don’t know how I’m going to sit here on the day and the exact time that they had sex this time last year.
My wife and I have decided to make another go of things. We have moved city’s, changed telephone numbers, closed social media accounts in order to limit contact with the AP. Things are hard and I relive and talk about the trauma every single day and there are times where my wife does get frustrated, she will answer the same questions and witness my pain over and over again every single day.
If I’m 100% honest, I’m not sure if my wife is over her AP. She says he means nothing and it was all a horrible mistake. She says she sees the hurt she has caused and just how wrong it was. Are these just words. Is she just telling me what I need to hear. Because how can she have a 2 month affair and state he made her happy and then on the other hand, say he meant nothing to her and means nothing to her and just wants to put her family back together.
Surely if he made her so happy, she can’t just forget him and loose feelings for him over night.
25 comments posted: Tuesday, February 8th, 2022
When is the truth really the truth ?
Im not sure if I have posted this in the correct section, so please forgive me if I haven't.
A brief summary
9 months ago I found out that the person I have shared my life with for the past 21 years and the person that I had children with cheated on me. It was a brief affair lasting only 2 months. Since D-Day we have been through a lot. A lot of ups and downs, but we are still hanging in there and things are better, much better. But I dont think we are anywhere near healed and I wouldn't expect to be in just 9 months.
She cut contact with her affair partner
She changed her mobile number
She ceased all social media
She sticks to her word and is where she says she is
She is loving, shows affection and really acts like she made a mistake.
She really does seem to be doing everything that she can to fix the mess that she caused. She seems remorseful. She see's how much she has hurt me and our family.
Im still hurting. Im still asking myself why and how she could do this to me, to us and to our family.
She has answered question after question, every single day for hours on end for the past 9 months. So she is putting in the effort. Its just I cant seem to accept the answers and what she is saying.
Has everyone else that has been where I am felt the same? She understands I'm hurting and need to talk about it, but she does say that we also need to at least try and start putting this behind us to start to try and rebuild our life.
She has been honest about things she didn't really need to tell me. (she could have lied or refused to say). Like sexual positions and how many times she slept with him, which I kind of believe.
But some things I just don't believe at all and I think its holding me back from moving on.
She says that she now sees that it was a mistake intact the biggest mistake of her life.
She says that she had no feelings for him and he meant nothing to her.
That the affair will never have a special place in her heart.
That she doesn't miss him or what they had and never did. Even though she told him that she did miss him.
She says they never talked about the sex after even though they were together a whole month after that.
She said that they never did anything sexual again not even foreplay in the car or out and about
She is swearing blind but I just don't believe it. Things don't add up. Why would they have sex and then never ever mention it again. Why would they have sex, spend time together and not be intermit any any way again. How can she say that he meant nothing and he was a massive mistake but then she tells me at the time he made her happy and she missed him. But now he meant nothing and its a mistake and she see's exactly what she has done.
Is this a case of me being to guarded and not wanting to get hurt or is it her trying to keep parts of the affair to herself?
She says she knows I need the truth and I'm getting it but I'm not listening. Something is not adding up. Everything is contradicting and I don't know what to do. Should I be letting go at this stage and trying to move on as we are just going around in circles with the questions.
Any advice would be much appreciated
Thanks in advance
39 comments posted: Sunday, February 6th, 2022