Newest Member: trustingyou


BS (me) WH (him) - Together 5 yearsD-Day1 - 14.11.20 - discovered EA and PA with COWD-Day 2 - 6-3-21 - discovered that WH had been online cheating for 4/5 years

'Him cheating was never about me.'

Never ending Lies

How things have changed since I last posted.

I've gone from thinking he had a 2 month PA and EA, to learning that he had been using dating websites, online video chats, sexting etc. Basically the whole sh'bang our entire relationship.

Now the triggers have gone from a few to close to almost everything.

I no longer want to be touched, I cannot stand to hear him say something even remotely nice because the moment I hear it, my mind has already rejected what he said and turned it around. I find myself thinking "if that's really how you felt about me, why did you cheat all these years".

Before, at least I felt like we had a good solid few years of faithfulness, and now I'm learning that actually nearly the whole 4/5 years he had been shopping around online. The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach on a good day, and beyond that on a bad day.

I guess that's the problem with trickle truths. Things just never felt quite right. WH gave me access to everything, but I guess he never realised how much I could find out, because I found trial subscriptions to dating apps, and then through connecting with his Google account, I was able to go through his entire history back to say 2016 when we started dating. I could see every single time he searched for specific dating apps on his phone in the play store. I could see which apps he used, things like Snapchat, Kik, and trust me, 20-30 more, I could see what times he used them. It was literally like diving into a bottomless pit.

I don't know if anyone else has done this, but I was literally overwhelmed with thousands of things, accessing different websites and dating apps. I didn't see exact messages but I'm sure if I wanted to, would have been able to access those accounts. By the time I'd been through his history, I had seen so much that the exact words he used or messages he sent didn't seem relevant.

It's really not something I recommend doing because now I know dates he's done certain things. Date nights we had, where afterwards whilst I was sleeping, he was up chatting with women online. Days whilst I was at work, supporting him and helping put him through his degree, he was at home chatting with other women etc.

This has all come out over the past 2/3 weeks because I just had this niggling sense that I wasn't getting the full truth, and decided to do my own digging.

So now I've gone from believing that we at least had a solid something to rebuild our relationship on, to feeling like I don't even know this person at all. I never thought that his physical affair would happen, like truly actually thought he would never do that, and now I feel like, of course he would. Him cheating was the natural progression of everything he has been doing for the past 4/5 years.

I went from blaming myself and wondering what I could have done, to realising that, this has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. How does one justify those things to themselves for years, it makes complete sense how he could; after so long of already cheating, transition to a physical affair.

And he would have let me continue on my life never knowing about this whole history.

After being faced with the true extent of everything that he's done, he has sought IC and is showing true, regretful remorse, I can see that he's trying, but it just feels to me like it's not enough. It never seems like it's enough anymore.

I don't know anymore. I really don't. It's not like this was a poor decision, this was something else.

He was going on dating/chat apps, meeting a woman, adding her on some type of media, engaging in sexual encounters online together (sexting/videos) and then he would block that person.

Then the next time he had an urge, he would do the same thing, go online, spend some time finding someone to exchange these messages with, then block that person.

He never kept the one partner, he was always going through different women. My guess is that it was easier to keep his secret that way, and he didn't have to maintain any kind of personal relationship with them. And I guess that's how he justified it to himself like what he was doing wasn't really 'cheating.'

I don't even know anymore. Its like my world keeps getting turn upside down.

Not even sure what I need right now, other than just to share this experience.

7 comments posted: Sunday, March 21st, 2021

In the beginning, what to expect.

WH and I had been together 5 years. WH got a new job last year around August 2020.

WH met AP COW there and they had a PA and EA through Oct 2020 and Nov 2020.

WH ended his PA with AP COW Nov 2nd 2020. But as far as I know the EA continued for a while longer.

D-day was Nov 14th. WH made all sorts of promises and seemed to show remorse. We started going to CC together, I was getting IC as well.

I knew that AP had contacted WH in Dec and some messages had been exchanged. I discovered this Dec 26th. WH had deleted the messages so I had very little to go off aside from some remnants when I searched through the contact history on his phone.

So a week ago, I'm looking at WHs phone and don't ask me how, but somehow the messages on his phone had been restored from Dec. (I think his phone recently updated, maybe that's how).

Anyway, through seeing these messages I discovered that they had been secretly meeting for lunch in Dec and had arranged to meet once after work so that AP could give WH a Christmas present. I'm fairly certain from the messages and the tracking history on WHs Google maps that it was an EA and not PA at this time, although to be honest, it doesn't make it any better or any easier.

Anyway, I confronted WH and gave him the opportunity to come clean about what happened in Dec. I even told him I had proof he had seen AP and asked him to be honest and he still lied.

All week I've been all over the place emotionally, not really sure what to think or how to feel.

I've never been through something like this before. I question everything he says, everything he does. My main response has just been sadness and hurt, but today is the first time I started to feel an overwhelming anger.

I'm not really sure what to do or think just yet at this stage, everything is kind of like a spiralling mess.

I guess I'm just wondering, what you would say to yourself if you could go back and tell yourself something

And what are some things I can expect to experience both from myself and from WH over the next few days, weeks and months.

I don't know if we will R at this stage, I'm still trying to process everything.

16 comments posted: Friday, February 26th, 2021

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