How is it fair?
How do you deal with the fact that the wayward spouse gets to have all the fun, the sex and the excitement.
I remind myself that it's not a thing I can control and the healthiest thing for me is to try to focus on what I can control. I'm not always successful but I'm consistent in being honest with myself about it.
They take the chance, take up the opportunity and then when the shit hits the fan, all they have to do is sit tight and wait. Say the right things and hope that they don't loose their life. the life that they were willing to put on the line and gamble for a bit of excitement with someone new.
They just have to wait for the betrayed spouse to get over the pain. Even if thats a year, 2 years, 3 years or whatever, they just sit tight and wait.
Like you said, it isn't fair. -and no, "it isn't fair" doesn't acknowledge the true depth of the injustice.
Because if you do manage to reconcile surely its all been worth it. They managed to get their cake and eat it. They had the sex and they managed to keep hold of their life. Its win, win for them and a massive lose for the betrayed.
Depends my man. A BS that begins to understand that their WS is selfish, intentionally cruel and a terrible judge of what's fair will, used as loosely as possible, take their pound of flesh one way or another. It's not about punishing the WS... it's about natural consequences for possibly the most cruel kind of betrayal possible.
If a BS "rolls over" though, the WS will not face real consequences. Even if a WS is doing the right personal work to be a better person, consequences are a must.
But the betrayed life has been changed for ever. We will always have the scars, while they have the nice memories. No matter what they try and say.
That's one of the worst parts for me. Almost two decades were not absolutely erased, per se. My memories saw a nasty combination of deletion and/or having all of the purity invalidated. One of the worst parts of it is feeling, at my core, like the biggest chump.
I can't change what my reality is about memories. But I can remind myself that her actions were always out of my control and that I won't allow a cruel person to moderate how I see my own value, mind or heart.
Whether we stay in the betrayed relationship or move on. We will always carry around the burden of the waywards affair.
I try to think of it differently. We have been severely wounded but we have a choice as to how we treat the wound. We can allow it to remain a gapping wound or we can work towards healing. Even if healed, yeah, we are going to have the scar. There's no way around that. We just gotta pick ourselves up and do our best at that.
I asked my wife the exact same questions. She come out with some crap about, how she has to live with herself every single day knowing what she has done. I don't buy it.!!!
Trust your gut. If you think she's not being authentic, she probably isn't.