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Newest Member: Tortex

Reconciliation :
Permanent losses


 Livingingrief (original poster member #79723) posted at 6:46 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

What are some permanent losses you are grieving? What was the hardest thing to accept about yourself or your spouses infidelity? How were you able to build a happy life again after the loss of the exclusive sexual relationship? How were you able to feel confident again while knowing, for a period of time, you weren't the one that was constantly on your spouses mind? What are the hard/brutal truths about the loss infidelity causes?

posts: 59   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8734720

Hannah47 ( new member #80116) posted at 10:18 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I have always been fascinated by stars. Stargazing has been one of my favorite things to do since childhood. One instance of his betrayal is related to the stars (I don’t want to be specific about it). On DDay I told him he has ruined stars for me. Years later I have decided I will not allow him or anyone else to ruin stars for me. However, every time I stargaze, I’m reminded of the betrayal. I have tried to rewrite it, I even stargazed with him. I do allow myself to get overwhelmed by the beauty of the starry night. I still very much enjoy stargazing. But stars will always be a reminder and that makes me sad.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8734753

FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 11:55 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

The entire two years of his A have been ruined for me. Everything we did together feels tainted. I'm just at the beginning of processing all that I have lost. Our son graduated from college out of state last year. We took a family trip to see him graduate and celebrate. WH was calling her each day that we were there. I can hardly look at the pictures now. We took a 5-day family trip to Disneyland to celebrate his 60th birthday. That's our family's happy place. It's a special place that we all love and enjoy spending time there together. I spent months planning the perfect birthday trip, comparing and booking hotels, restaurants, etc. I can't look back on the trip or see the pictures without my chest and stomach tightening up. I now know he was sneaking off to call or text her because "she missed him." Same with two trips to the mountains where my family owns a cabin. We took our oldest son there for a few days. WH wanted to take a hike with me (son chose to stay at the cabin). We hiked for hours, looked at the sites, spent time connecting (or so I thought). The minute we returned and I took a shower, he was back on the phone with her. So much for connecting. Holidays, birthday, vacations, whatever we did, it's all tainted. I don't know how to see it any differently.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8734769

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:18 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I’ve lost all sense of our relationship being special. I always thought that it was. I was foolish.

My husband had his affair as a dear family member was dying. Dday was less than two weeks before she died. I feel like those precious last months and days with her were tainted. The affair took away focus from where it should have been, and I grieve that loss.

I’ve lost all sense of my marriage relationship as my rock. That’s how I saw it before. I was foolish.

I’ve lost all sense of myself as a confident, perceptive person. I’ve lost all sense of myself as a good or desirable wife and partner, even though I know intellectually that it’s not about me.

Some people talk about being triggered by tv shows, books, etc., with infidelity. That’s somewhat true for me, but even moreso I’ve lost the ability to enjoy love stories and depictions of romance. They just make me feel sad.

I hope to get some of this stuff back, but it’s been almost two years, and it hasn’t happened yet.

[This message edited by Grieving at 4:32 PM, Thursday, May 12th]

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 188   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8734785

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 2:23 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Family vacations-no longer hold special memories because he texted her the entire time we were "together" as a family
Going through airports are very triggering because he traveled with her often
Can’t watch any shows on TV, or movies, because many actresses remind me of AP
Can’t watch any romance film or anything that has any form of cheating
Eating out at restaurants is sometimes triggering-when I see couples dining together I crumble.
I lost myself
I lost my past
I lost my future
I lost hope for love
I was never a angry person but I’ve become one

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 305   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8734791

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:42 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I’m really sorry about the stars, Hannah.

I’m sorry for all of your losses.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 188   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8734795

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 3:21 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I lost trust in my wife.
I lost the person who I thought would never hurt me this way.
I lost respect for my wife.
It has been 4 1/2 yrs.
Some trust has come back and I show her respect. It will never be the same.
We have been together a very long time. For over 30 years she was faithful as was I. Then she had to screw it up. Those 30 years don't mean as much as they once did.

posts: 2569   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8734800

StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 11:47 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I lost the blind faith that I had that my wife would never intentionally hurt me. I lost the trust I had in her. I lost the feeling that what we had was special and unique to us. I still love my wife but it really isn't the same as it was and it never will be, her choices showed who she could be, and that was not someone I wanted. She is different now (I hope) but that will always be part of her history now.

I doubt I will ever regain these, what we have now is only a shadow of our relationship pre affair, which was not perfect but alot better than what we have now, I think we both know this at some level and yes i believe that we both probably rugsweep it to a degree to get through each day.

With time our relationship has stabilised some, and improves in some areas, but there will always be that part in our lives that she chose someone else, and she can never undo that.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 252   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8734826

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:47 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

My H is no longer my "go to" person and he doesn’t have my back.

His plan to kick me to the curb and D me (with me being the last person to know) was the ultimate mail in the coffin. That betrayal was life changing for me.

Everyone, on my opinion, should always have a plan B or exit plan or back up plan. I don’t care who you are.

I used to think that pre-nups were insulting. Now, I think you are foolish not to have one. Not that I would ever re-marry if my H & I were not together.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734838

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:52 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

What are the hard/brutal truths about the loss infidelity causes?

There were so many...everywhere I turned I was experiencing some type of loss because of the STUPID decision my H made to have a A crying .

I can honestly say that the ONLY loss I still have not been able to get back is the loss of blind trust. I don't see it as a bad thing though. I trust my H...I am NOT going to be in a M without trust. But I won't rule out an affair in the future like I did before when I KNEW something was OFF.

When I was in the early stages of was heart wrenching though crying . I can FEEL your raw pain and despair in your words...and I WISH I could take it from you (((HUGS))). But Dear Lady...YOU are going to get through this and come out of it BETTER than before smile . I can't tell you that your M will survive...but I can promise you that YOU WILL grin . You are reaching out...looking for answers...engaging with people...these are all GOOD things smile . Keep on doing this...walking through infidelity HELL with your head held HIGH...and DON'T EVER SETTLE. Also...take the advice from us that works for YOU...and leave the rest smile . You don't realize it right now...but you've got this grin . Your words show it!! One fine day you WILL have PEACE again smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6162   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734864

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:11 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I think the trick to it is to DO your grieving and process your injuries, so that your losses are NOT permanent.

That's not to say that I haven't changed at all. I'm not under the influence of the naivety I once enjoyed regarding the nature of love and commitment, and I am much less inclined to trust blindly. Rather, I wait for people to EARN my trust rather than just handing it over like a too eager mugging victim. I think maybe I'm just a little less tolerant of bullshit now too, although that might as easily be my age showing. grin

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5742   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8734904

WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 5:23 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I have definitely lost my ability to trust the way I did before.

My rings used to be very special to me. I loved our matching bands and the engraving we had done on them. The rings and the attachment I had to them feel lost to me. I haven't worn them in 6 years, and don't know if I will ever be able to again. I feel this loss deeply.

A lot of what I thought were good times with happy memories I now know were not genuine. His attention was elsewhere. I can't stand seeing pictures from that time. The happiness and contentment they once brought was stolen from me.

posts: 118   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8734974

Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 8:24 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

My WW went to a party on the 4th of July. It was a lie, she was her new shiny AP’s house. They spent the evening together and she came home in the middle of the night.

The 4th triggers me every year, especially the fireworks. But I decided not to let them take them take it from me. So every year since we celebrate it with fireworks, I’m making new memories and connections to that date.

The way I see it, if she wants snakes and sparklers she can stick with AP. But if she wants things that go boom like whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser, then she should stick with me. (Joe Dirt quote)

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735341

SomethingOminous ( new member #77393) posted at 1:56 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

I lost my innocence/naivety. The good stuff. The belief that our relationship meant something. Our relationship used to be something I was really proud of. I thought I was special to him, and what we had was something to be envied.
The blind faith and trust I had in him.
The irony was, I struggled with trust because my previous BF had cheated, WH spent a good year or 2 reassuring me he'd never cheat, he was kind, loving, caring etc.
After DDay, I realised that I cannot trust anyone else. He could spend forever earning the trust, but there will always be a doubt in my mind, and there will always be an exit plan ready.
I used to believe we could work through anything (I hadn't considered an A something I'd have to though). After the A's, I no longer believe that. Now, I just know if he does do it again, my feet are on their way out the door. I'll never attempt R a second time.
So in some ways, I guess I've changed for the better, I'm stronger and more secure in myself.

BS (me) WH (him) - Together 5 yearsD-Day1 - 14.11.20 - discovered EA and PA with COWD-Day 2 - 6-3-21 - discovered that WH had been online cheating for 4/5 years

'Him cheating was never about me.'

posts: 33   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8736791

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 4:26 PM on Friday, May 27th, 2022

My H is no longer my "go to" person and he doesn’t have my back.

His plan to kick me to the curb and D me (with me being the last person to know) was the ultimate mail in the coffin. That betrayal was life changing for me.

I wonder, why do you have "Happily reconciled" in your signature? That seems misleading, given that your marriage hasn't been fully restored. I imagine a lot of new BS's seeing that signature and hoping the same will happen with them, not having read many of your posts or realizing that your marriage was indeed irreversibly damaged by the affair.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8737497

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:23 AM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

Ability to trust and feel like I won't be betrayed. Loss of stability and a husband and support and so many things you never think of until you are walking through it all. And since both divorces, my health is tanking and my kids are grown, but still in their mid 20's and my grandsons are infant/toddler age and so I feel like the divorces and the betrayal has stolen my life from me due to all the ramifications of the divorces and now I won't be able to enjoy the rest of my life due to health issues.

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8738023

ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 3:49 PM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

I think it is important to understand the loss but also the gains. There is a lot that is lost when a betrayal of this magnitude impacts us. I will never trust anyone fully ever again. I will never put all of my finances, love, faith in anyone other than me. That helps me in the long run but yes it comes at the cost of losing the fairy tale story. Many folks appreciate living more in reality and I am among them. That means to some degree the specialness is gone but it is replaced by other very special activities including the repair and growth we get to experience together that could only be activated from an event like infidelity.

In many ways I am healed and made whole by having to put myself back together again. That process included past traumas that bubbled up and had to heal during the journey. But there is also damage that sits there, just like a scar, and it may fade but it will never go away.

I do think you can have a successful reconciliation even with a shift in the dynamics of trust and boundaries.

I no longer expect my life to be the same after infidelity. If I chose to be with someone else, I still would never fully trust them anymore than anybody else nor my WS. I'm changed and R or no R, that will remain with me.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2816   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8738067

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:21 PM on Wednesday, June 1st, 2022

I was the ws, then also was betrayed.

I think I lost many things but some were needed to be lost.

I lost my need to get my good feelings from other people. I lost a lot my negative thinking and fear based living. I lost my rose colored glasses - people are all dark and light, no one does things because of us but because of them, inspect what you expect without compromise.

You are whole without anyone but you. The person who you spend your life and time have to earn their right to be there. Work towards your own self love and what you accept from others will naturally elevate. You can’t control him or what he does, you can only control what you are found to do and accept.

It’s a long road back but he needs to figure out the deeper whys of why he did this, and then work to correct the way he leads his life so that he can make himself happy in positive ways. He will have to break his back earning trust back drop by drop.

Until then, you will need to work to detach yourself and figure out a path that you can be on that can make you happy regardless if you R or D. The more you do this thing more your expectations of him will align with what is needed moving forward. He will match it or you will ditch him.

Things may never be the same but there are ways to find yourself back to having some peace. It just should not hinge on him or what he is doing. It’s time for him to sink or swim.

5 years of hard work

posts: 6113   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8738085

JungAdmirer ( member #47685) posted at 11:29 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022

I realized waywards see the world differently and bond shallower to their partner. "It didn't mean anything". Waywards are telling you the truth. If you value your integrity based on a vow to your God or your partner, I will always question your conviction. Tell me that your love is based on self-love, and you could never look in the mirror to see a betrayer... these souls will never betray.

I used to celebrate what I thought existed. Now, I live my life honorably, eyes wide open and trusting the behavior I experience. I will never understand the calculus that weighs the fruit of betrayal against the love of a loyal partner.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2015
id 8738567

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 4:40 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

I lost my ability to trust. I went from someone who had a lot of friends, did public speaking... to a total introvert. Sine dday I have cut my friends list to only 2, have never spoken publicly... I just want to be left alone and frequently suffer low level depression. After all these years it hasn't gotten one iota better. Betrayal caused personal damage.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 4:40 AM, Saturday, June 4th]

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8738598
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