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Divorce/Separation :
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 7:55 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

It’s time for me to stop. I have been talking to friends and family for a while. I post here and greatly appreciate the help but just feel empty now. I wanted so badly to stop this D and she heartlessly moved forward. She told me matter of factly she was never attracted to me. She said she just went along with sex for twenty years and never wanted it. I said that was hurtful and she said she’s just being honest. I’ve seen photos of her AP at her Kentucky Derby party. He’s not so attractive in my opinion. He looks trashy to me. He did it. He was what she wanted. He turned her on. I loved her and wanted her but I was wrong for that. I was told that’s all I care about is sex, yet this guy gets love, respect and her physically and emotionally. Why?! I don’t get it! I’ll never trust another woman. After two decades I thought we had this bond and we’d never stray. This guy outdid me at every level and I lose. I am alone and pathetic wishing I had the love of my friend and woman I wanted forever. I moved hundreds of miles to spend my life with you and you gave everything to him and forgot me. This belongs in stay NC. Thanks to people who have advised me. I don’t know that I’ll ever actually feel good again. It’s been awhile and seeing her at this party with this guy stings like J can’t believe. I feel like a loser that I am affected and can’t move on. I get it. I don’t know anymore how to stop thinking and talking about it. This is such a bad feeling. I don’t know if karma is real or even if I wish her and the AP to have this feeling I have but it just sucks. Sorry to everyone else that obviously knows from experience how this feels and thanks again for trying to cheer me up but I’m unable to feel better. My fault not yours. ❤️

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 8:18 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8734494
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 11:17 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I am so sorry, LH. You have been heard and your pain is palpable.

Please don't stop posting. Take a break if you need to, but we're a great group who will be here for you throughout your journey out of infidelity.

One more thing - your WW is a lying liar who lies. The whole load of horseshit about not every enjoying the sex? Lies. Just something to make HER feel better about her immoral shitty choices. To make you feel less than - because she's not a good person. I think you will realize this in time. 20 years is a long time, healing takes a long time too.

Do you have an IC and people IRL with whom you can garner support?

Sending strength,

Lala

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8864   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8734501
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:25 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She’s rewriting history- unfortunately another standard WS tactic they use to justify their shitty behavior. If they pretend the M was not great, then they are the victim here. As Lala said, she’s a liar. And she’s gotten good at it. So much so that she believes her own bullshit.

Get some IC, lean on your ITL support. You can get through this and heal. You really can.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4792   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8734512
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

You shouldn't stop posting here. We all can relate to you. You are heard and safe here.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 148   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8734582
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She’s just trying to hurt you so that she alleviates her own guilt.

She’s certainly not very classy if she said those things.

It’s time to see her for the cruel person she is.

So sorry for you. Just know she’s using typical cheater tactics and behavior.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12157   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734592
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Thanks everyone. I had a rough night last night. I do need to get back into IC. My ex is unfair and sometimes I really let her upset me. I’m better now. I appreciate it.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8734624
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 4:53 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Hey LonelyHolidays- you will get past this. Time is important, but I think even more important is looking forward to the future. Having a future you are excited about that does not include your ex.

I read somewhere (I think in the Abandonment to Healing book) that the amount of sadness and despair after a relationship ends is not related to the length or quality of the relationship- but instead how invested you are in the future with that relationship continuing.

So your ex isn't "over you" so quickly because your relationship was bad, but because she is fully invested in a different future. She doesn't understand that so that is why she is re-writing history to justify her current feelings.

Likewise, you can get over her faster and fuller by focusing on a new future. Building a new life that you love.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

Staying (open) married but physically separated by an ocean.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734638
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

During the first months of my separation I was a wreck. Hell, I was a wreck for the 6 months leading up to the legal separation while trying in-house separation. All of the holidays that fall and winter were excruciating for me. I cried a lot. My XW and I were still talking and she would send me messages about all the fun she was having in unicorn and fairy land.

With time and lots of emotional work, I started dragging back my OWN life and made choices to deal with the pain and move on. The holidays this year have been fantastic and I've got so many good things going on. But, XW was messaging me around Thanksgiving and Christmas with some regretful type messages and this year was her year to realize what she threw away.

It stinks that it takes time to get over the betrayal and that the cheater seems to have it all going their way. Once I realized it was no longer my concern and a level of indifference started to develop, I got better.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 403   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8734714
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 2:25 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Thank you Robinbird12 and Countrydirt! It’s such a confusing thing about her level of interest in a future with her AP. I shouldn’t try to understand or compare myself to him but I just don’t get her throwing away so much time and hurting the kids and family. I understand it’s not my concern. I would think someday she will regret this decision as your ex did Counrrtdirt since she told me I was her best friend and she loved hanging out but the marriage "wasn’t working". It’s so weird. I’d have worked with her to improve what she felt was lacking but she chose to do this in a mean and hurtful way. I’ll adjust eventually.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8734792
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:33 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I don’t know that I’ll ever actually feel good again. It’s been awhile and seeing her at this party with this guy stings like J can’t believe. I feel like a loser that I am affected and can’t move on. I get it. I don’t know anymore how to stop thinking and talking about it. This is such a bad feeling. I don’t know if karma is real or even if I wish her and the AP to have this feeling I have but it just sucks. Sorry to everyone else that obviously knows from experience how this feels and thanks again for trying to cheer me up but I’m unable to feel better. My fault not yours.

Just give it time, you have been betrayed in the most awful way, as the months go by you still most likely start to feel better, just don't pain shop by interacting with her, you don't have to remain "friends" with her, if you have small children together you could co-parent without being friends and interact via text/email. Keep posting here, your experience and journey through this could help others down the road.

posts: 2603   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8734807
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:44 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Stop following her on social media. Block her number from your phone. Move back to your home state. Complete and permanent no-contact is the way to move forward and eventually stop hurting.

posts: 375   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735604
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:20 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

It wasn't until 3 years after dday1 and 1.5 after dday2 that I felt that I was finally getting over the pain. My oldest DS and I were talking about it on Saturday, more than 4 years after. We both agreed that life is better without XWH in it.

It takes time - lots of time. You're going to hurt for awhile. We understand and can relate.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1185   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8735608
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 4:34 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Thank you Leafields, Morningglory and Buster123. Facebook does upset me. I unfriended her but see her posts when she tags mutual friends. I saw a recent profile picture of her at a racetrack she took her AP to since he’s into cars. She stopped by my house over the weekend to bring by her dog and she helped me clean my house for a few minutes. It really frustrates me how stubborn she is. She really tries to be a friend while she lives with this guy but doesn’t know or care how hurtful this was. I regretfully drank Saturday and texted her about missing her and stuff. She replied she wants us to become friends sometime but she knows it’s too soon. I picked up my son at her house tonight and she brought out a waffle cone of ice cream she made. The last time she let me sip from a beer she was drinking. Part of me hates her. She’s severely messed up my life and the kids’ lives. She claims our marriage didn’t work yet wants me around as a friend. The most annoying part is she seems to think her new relationship is healthier but it’s not based in reality. They don’t live with their combined seven kids. They rent an expensive home, go to expensive wineries and restaurants and live a fairy tale life. I can see why they don’t argue. Life is all fun. She’s probably not so closed sexually or to his opinions. She bugs me so much. I really should move to my home state and stop contact.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8735647
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 6:15 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

I really should move to my home state and stop contact.

Yes, you should. Stop letting her come over. Block and erase her number from your phone. Unfriend or at least unfollow your mutual friends on social media.

No contact means no contact. You cannot heal as long as she's around you, either in person or in pictures. Once you've genuinely moved on and never see her anymore, she will lose her centrality in your heart, and you'll be able to move on to other people. But you're going to have to cut the cord to make that able to happen.

posts: 375   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735657
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Of course she wants to be friends - it helps her not feel guilty about what she's done. But do you really want a friend who treats people the way she's treated you? Cheated, lied, etc?

My XWH thought we'd be friends until I told him that I'm not friends with people who treat people the way he treated me. It was all to make him feel better and not feel guilty.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1185   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8735687
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:52 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Thank you. I agree she probably knows this was unfair and might have some guilt deep down. It wasn’t enough to stop her from doing it. She doesn’t belong on the pedestal I have her on. Many people here give me great advice like NC and how to disconnect my feelings. I need to take the advice. For some reason it’s easier said than done for me. I really appreciate it.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8735694
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:57 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Please don't stop posting smile . You will be AMAZED at how GOOD you will feel when you get to indifference grin !! You're doing what you need to do now...reaching out to others who have been where you are...and we can ALL tell you that there is definitely LIGHT at the end of that very dark tunnel you are in right now smile .

I was where you are...almost 40 years ago. My 1st H was so COLD...then he would warm up...it was so confusing to me. I soon found out that the times when he was nice was because he had an agenda. He wanted ego kibbles. When a new "shiny" was there to give him those kibbles...he didn't need me...and that was when I would get the cold shoulder. Oddly...once I seriously started dating the man who became my 2nd H...my 1st H finally realized I was THE ONE duh !!! It really wasn't all that odd...it happens all the time...but it was the first time for me rolleyes .

We all go through the stages of grief differently...and your way is what is right for YOU smile . As long as you are moving forward...you WILL get OUT of infidelity...and then life will feel soooooooo GOOD again!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6090   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8735707
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WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 5:01 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Yeah, this is the toughest time of the divorce - when it seems like she's having the time of her life and you're looking around at the million pieces of your life that are scattered about.

Talking (posting) about it is the best therapy. Get the feelings, the emotions out; talk through what your are feeling and what your options are. But you do have to feel the feels.

Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts out of this hell that is divorce (and infidelity), you just have to keep going ("When going through hell, don't stop!). All you can do is trust us when we tell you it WILL get better, it just takes time.

I knew that I was coming out of the worst of it, when I could - for the first time - think about the future and what it might look like without my ex in the picture. I won't lie - it took a couple of years to get to that point.

Hang in there...you'll get through this.

[This message edited by WornDown at 5:03 PM, Tuesday, May 17th]

Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3359   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 8735710
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

Thanks Want2behapoyagain and Worndowm. It definitely isn’t a fun phase. I’m glad you both seem to have worked through it. I do feel she has this guy who is shiny and new but I think someday she will realize he isn’t perfect. She judges me harshly and accepts him freely. It hurts my feelings for sure but I know I can’t focus on that. Thank you!

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8735794
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:31 AM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

It hurts my feelings for sure but I know I can’t focus on that.

Focus on your kids. They're going to need you now that your wife is infatuated with another man.

Once you go no contact, you'll be able to move on find someone else who deserves you. A caring, faithful, family-oriented man is a high-value item in the dating world.

[This message edited by morningglory at 3:31 AM, Thursday, May 19th]

posts: 375   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735955
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