Newest Member: itspointless

LonelyHolidays

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

Social Media Stalking

Hello. I know the answer before even posting this but antagonizing my STBXW AP isn’t going to get me anywhere I assume. They’re both in a local cocktail group. I’m not friends on Facebook with either of them but I found this cocktail group and decided to poke the bear. I commented about leaving kids behind and using married women for money and about how tough the guy presents himself. I was sarcastic and provoking but kept it vague but obvious it was about him. Eventually he said he was dumb enough to "take this to the street". I suppose to keep things calm with my son and ex I should be the bigger person but I’ve never even had that level of communication with the guy and it did feel good to tell him personally he’s a loser. Any thoughts.

9 comments posted: Friday, June 24th, 2022

Last Post

It’s time for me to stop. I have been talking to friends and family for a while. I post here and greatly appreciate the help but just feel empty now. I wanted so badly to stop this D and she heartlessly moved forward. She told me matter of factly she was never attracted to me. She said she just went along with sex for twenty years and never wanted it. I said that was hurtful and she said she’s just being honest. I’ve seen photos of her AP at her Kentucky Derby party. He’s not so attractive in my opinion. He looks trashy to me. He did it. He was what she wanted. He turned her on. I loved her and wanted her but I was wrong for that. I was told that’s all I care about is sex, yet this guy gets love, respect and her physically and emotionally. Why?! I don’t get it! I’ll never trust another woman. After two decades I thought we had this bond and we’d never stray. This guy outdid me at every level and I lose. I am alone and pathetic wishing I had the love of my friend and woman I wanted forever. I moved hundreds of miles to spend my life with you and you gave everything to him and forgot me. This belongs in stay NC. Thanks to people who have advised me. I don’t know that I’ll ever actually feel good again. It’s been awhile and seeing her at this party with this guy stings like J can’t believe. I feel like a loser that I am affected and can’t move on. I get it. I don’t know anymore how to stop thinking and talking about it. This is such a bad feeling. I don’t know if karma is real or even if I wish her and the AP to have this feeling I have but it just sucks. Sorry to everyone else that obviously knows from experience how this feels and thanks again for trying to cheer me up but I’m unable to feel better. My fault not yours. ❤️

24 comments posted: Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She always gets what she wants

I’m at a brewery alone on my birthday weekend. My sixteen year old son is at my STBX and AP big Kentucky Derby party. It seems like a middle finger to me to have a big expensive party and have my son go today. She’s unapologetic though and even my twenty year old admits he will probably call her back soon. He is away at college and feels she has been awful but she has always followed her decisions and never second guesses. I hope by my next birthday I won’t speak to her much. I can feel myself losing any love I had and just think of her confused as to how she has no empathy or self reflection. Even if she stopped her feelings for me it sucks my son was crying last weekend and I believe it has a lot to do with her sudden leaving us. Because he needs his mom he is at her expensive party she can’t afford while I am bored and bewildered at what happened. He admitted he didn’t really even want to go but went with his girlfriend. She’s a different person than I thought now. Every weekend is another trip or camping or party. The fun never ends in her life. I heard the AP has a PS5 from my son. Like 1000 dollars I know she paid. What is the void this woman is trying to fill and why is this moron AP her solution to her life? Life is confusing lately.

5 comments posted: Saturday, May 7th, 2022

This month might be tough

My birthday is in a few days and my 21st anniversary would be toward the end of this month. I feel stuck. I’m not doing NC well. My STBXW came back from her trip with her AP and picked up her dog from my house. I tried to plan it where I wouldn’t see her but she was at my house still when I had just taken my son to school. It would be better not seeing her at all. My son cried hard at one point of the weekend. Though I’m not on her Facebook a mutual friend showed me pictures she took while camping with her AP. He’s never in the pictures maybe because she knows it makes her look bad while still married to me. I’m so mad she can camp and have this romantic weekend while my son is sad. I told her about this and she doesn’t take responsibility. She offered to help clean the house and garage and said my house is probably depressing. It is empty and kind of a sad vibe. I used to like May. It was a time of celebration. Between Cinco De Mayo, my birthday, Mother’s Day and our anniversary we would usually be having fun and celebrating. I feel stuck now in this town in an empty house with my son and want this month to end. I need to not live in the past but this house seems like a reminder of failure. I am mad but nostalgic and think of arguments where I said things I regret or I wish I hadn’t started in some cases. I just have this empty hollow feeling. I’m not excited or happy. I get angry but then back to sort of sad. I guess it’s good my primary emotion isn’t sadness now. I’d say I just feel numb lately but it seems like a form of depression because I really don’t have much desire to do anything or date. I need out of this phase. I’m sure NC would help but I’m terrible at it. We have the son and finances. I know there is an ap I should use. I still sometimes text her about how she has been selfish and hurt everyone but it is met with excuses. There’s no point. I guess my point is it’s time to become positive about the future. I can’t think about her new life or my old one. This birthday should be a time to put the past in my rearview mirror. I know this was long. Sorry. It’s more like a journal entry I suppose. I just needed to write it out to process my feelings.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I have to admit A part of me is jealous of AP

I know I have anger and my ex is terrible, but she and her AP are out of town together on a romantic camping trip and left their dog(that I like) for my son to watch. It is so frustrating because I don’t think in twenty years the two of us camped alone together. We had kids quickly and once in a while went out of town alone together. Those weekends we had fun and it wasn’t stressful like our day to day lives could be. She is probably in a honeymoon phase with this loser and I’m sure they get along because they’re living a fairy tale without his five kids and her two. They rent an expensive place and probably have this hot romance I didn’t get because we had day to day stresses she doesn’t have now. She works but her job currently has lots of freedom. I’m frustrated she thinks our relationship didn’t work and probably her new one does. Of course. It’s not reality. Why do I care? I don’t know.

10 comments posted: Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Mother’s Day

I have a sincere question. Do I encourage my sons to get their mom who cheated and moved in with her AP Mother’s Day gifts?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

My eyes are opening and I’m getting annoyed

My STBXW is now in her fourth month of living with her AP. We never really had no contact due to our son and finances. I’ve been hung up on her but have greatly cut back on communication. For a long time we would occasionally get into a text conversation about how I can’t believe she’d decide after twenty years to abruptly tell me she wants a divorce and start a new relationship. Everyone including my kids, family and friends couldn’t believe I was sad and still hung up on her. Lately I can say it hurts less and I am feeling more confident that she is being reckless. She convinced me in a way that our marriage wasn’t working as she put it. I’ve thought constantly of times I wished I was easier going and I wished I was someone that made her happy. As time passes and night after night I sleep alone and think she is with a person who I believe is using her for sex and her money, I agree with people. I knew things I liked about her and definitely saw her with rose colored glasses. I still don’t want to say I was perfect or be unfair but this has been a rough twelve months. She literally came back from a trip with a friend and told me she was glad we had twenty years together but felt it wasn’t working and wanted to end the marriage. For the next few months I became weak and tried to change her mind. She went to counseling but didn’t try. I’ve mentioned this before. She spent money and I don’t know if it’s a genuine midlife crisis but she spent all her free time camping, going to wineries, and living for herself while rarely seeing me or our son. She started dating a rough looking guy after telling me I wasn’t ambitious enough or motivated enough and she wasn’t attracted to me as well as many hurtful things. She’s still spending and even bought a tv for a room in her new house with her AP on a credit card I am paying. The point is despite all of this I kept remembering fun vacations and times we had and wished so badly she’d see I was a guy who loved her and she liked being around. She herself still called me a best friend as she secretly dated this guy and lied about it. I really feel I’m done missing her. I’ve heard this statement from her for almost a year she wanted out but my process was delayed due to us spending time together and her denying her affair until right before Christmas. The admission of the boyfriend and moving in together in January were devastating to me. She filed for divorce in September and I have no idea how long she’d been seeing the AP or even if he directly caused the divorce. She was telling me she was unhappy but maybe already knew him. He definitely sped up the process and I feel made marriage counseling a waste of time because she was into him and maybe having the affair for several months. I’m kind of venting but after all of this I’m feeling like I was a guy who cares and told her whatever problems she had with me I’d love to work on. She refused to work or let me try to help her be happy. I’m done wishing and missing our old life. She didn’t value it as much as I did obviously. That’s unfortunate but I don’t want to turn it inward and feel bad or inadequate anymore. I wouldn’t reduce her to a list of her flaws as she did to me both in therapy and even wrote in an email to my mom. I feel she didn’t give me a fair chance given our history but I won’t cry or be emotionally wrecked anymore. She’s spending beyond her means and thinks this creepy guy will fix whatever is missing in her life. I am happy living with our son and accept as a guy in my forties that life can be work and not always fun. I think she feels she missed out and this "bad boy" covered in tattoos, who left five kids from two divorces across the country is who will make her happy and fill her void in her life. I think it’s bound to fail but I am adjusting to not being so concerned. The tattoos aren’t the problem. I have one but it’s ironic that she pointed out my ambition and job when this guy is a gamer who doesn’t have a great job and sounds like a deadbeat dad. I was jealous he was with her. She has gone down a path I don’t agree with. She’s running up lots of debt and doesn’t care that our son is depressed and our college aged son won’t speak to her currently. She’s not who I loved. She seems to want to relive her twenties and even has worn her shirts of her college and put a big sticker of her college mascot on her car. I like my old college too but I feel she has this desire to feel less like a middle aged mom of two boys and a wife and more like a woman who this guy probably treats like she’s hot and young and she probably loves it. Sex with me was a chore by her admission but it seems with him it’s exciting and fun. I said way too much but the point is I am comfortable that I’m a good dad and did love my wife but couldn’t keep her from leaving me and I’m comfortable that she feels this is right and I don’t, but it’s beyond my control and I am ready to not only accept it but let her go and end our friendship outside of speaking of kids and bills.

19 comments posted: Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Becoming Indifferent

I am getting used to not spending time with my STBXW after twenty years together. She moved in with her AP in January and it still stings but a little less lately. I did have trouble yesterday. I was at a beer festival with a couple who are mutual friends of my STBXW and I. It’s awkward because the girl is still close with my ex and the guy is my friend. We were having fun and actually both of them were looking at dating apps on my phone and swiping. The AP came up and at the end of the festival I was inebriated and fighting back tears. I have many friends and family who know I’m hurt. I feel bad bumming them out. I want to wake up and be indifferent about my ex. I sometimes get angry at how she betrayed me and lied and hurt me and my family. I also get very sad even after knowing of the affair and her new home for a few months. I hope I can learn to truly be indifferent and just feel nothing. It probably would be convenient for the kids if eventually we could become acquaintances. She’d like friendship but I know I don’t owe her that and don’t really want to give that now or maybe ever. It’s a strange feeling to have certain built in good feelings about someone and trying to extinguish them. I have negative feelings too but that doesn’t feel great carrying anger. How should I learn to feel nothing towards a person that made such a big impact on my life?

18 comments posted: Monday, April 11th, 2022

Narcisissm

I apologize for posting a lot lately but I really appreciate the feedback I get and don't want to talk my friends and family's ears off constantly. I feel my soon to be ex-wife is a narcissist. Her decision to divorce me came after she was promoted to CEO of her non profit. She decided to divorce me after twenty years because the marriage "wasn't working" in her opinion. We disagreed on different topics. One of them was sex. For years she claimed not to be emotionally connected to me when it came to sex. I loved her and asked her what I could do. She said she couldn't put it into words. That was so frustrating because I cared about her and really wanted it to be a good part of our relationship as anyone would with their wife. She made it seem like I only wanted that from her and I was a jerk for wanting it. I wanted it for good reasons. It wasn't using her. Now she has had her affair and lives with this AP and I assume he did everything I could never do. I was never good enough. She didn't respect my opinions ever. She made more money but admitted during the divorce process I was like the third of our kids (We have two). During the divorce she called all the shots. All I did was cried and begged her to stay, which I know isn't attractive, but she took her ring off, then moved down the hall and everything was about her. She said "I don't feel comfortable wearing the ring anymore". I asked her to stay in my room and not move down the hall and she said "We are going through this separation". She had to call the shots always in the divorce, just as she did in the marriage. We still talk often, even though I know better and that no contact is best. I told her I know I will have trust issues after she betrayed me. She said she was honest the marriage was over and to remember the twenty years we trusted each other and never strayed. I still haven't lied or even looked for anyone else though I should. I didn't stray or lie. She lied for months and still only says she did that to spare my feelings. My twenty year old son is very upset with her for the way she has acted during this divorce and for his own reasons. He jokes she is like talking to a lizard that doesn't get it. She is very surface level with both him and our sixteen year old and even blames their frustrations on me "unintentionally upsetting them". She says it is "Below the belt" to ever speak them about us in a good or bad way, which I mentioned in a previous post. Everything is my fault in her opinion. She doesn't even consider her affair an affair because she had told me she wanted to divorce me. The ridiculous part is she told me this at the end of last April and met her AP soon after. She sped up this process while calling me her best friend and still spending time with me quite often. It is so difficult dealing with someone that can't see that her decisions have hurt me, our sons, and my extended family, who have all been very generous and kind to her for two decades. She never takes blame for her part of the marriage not working. I am not blaming her entirely either. We both could be stubborn, but I can't relate to the way she can't self reflect. In marriage counseling she would say she realizes she's not perfect but could never or would never expand on that and address specific things to work on about herself. Therapy was just her unloading everything she disliked about me. She even sent a list of my faults to my mom and explained they were her reasons to end our marriage. It is so frustrating having spent time with a woman who can't see places to improve herself. She also said in therapy she was happy with who she was. I respect people having healthy self esteem but in counseling I felt it should be about two people knowing they care about each other and acknowledging there are things they should both work on to have a healthier marriage. She would not do that. I told her I loved her in therapy and outside of it and said I was totally on board to do whatever it took to keep our family together. Nothing was good enough. You'd think she hated me by the way she had no empathy during this long process of divorce. It was grueling. We hung out as "friends" and she never backed down and eventually started seeing a new guy, but didn't admit that until months later. She filed for divorce in September and told me about the affair in late December, after months of us hanging out together and even me going to a member of her family's funeral, which she was rude to me and was sending selfies to the AP that weekend. I am so frustrated with this woman and the way she made me feel like it was my fault it didn't work. To this day, I am nicer than I should be. She called me today. I answered and she discussed my son but said something to justify her decision to live with her AP. I really feel she is just extremely self-centered and it frustrates me that she can't see this. I want her to have a realization that she lives for herself most of the time and doesn't respect others and their feelings. Is there anyway to get through to someone that doesn't have the ability to look inward and try to be a better person?

27 comments posted: Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

How much can I share with my kids?

I’ve posted a few times now about my twenty year marriage ending. I live with my sixteen year old and have a twenty year old son away at college. My wife filed for divorce in September after an affair and lives with the AP now. My friends and family are frustrated with her. My older son and I went on a snowboarding trip in December and I told him honestly how I felt. I said I missed her and I was hurting. I also told him I wasn’t always easy to live with and could be stubborn and I regret my career wasn’t equal to hers, etc. On this trip my son said he felt my STBXW was superficial with him and surface level. He related to my frustrations. My younger son does too, though I try to speak less to him. I know as a general rule you leave the kids out of it. We have heart to heart conversations at times though and my sons are frustrated with the way she lied and cheated then left, but more than that they have issues unrelated to the divorce that have been brought to the surface by the way she has acted over the last ten months. She feels I’m manipulating them. I speak of her in a way where I say I’m sad it ended and I know it takes two to make it work. I wish I was more thoughtful at times. I don’t just paint her as wrong. I wouldn’t have ended things in such a hurtful way, but I don’t villainize her. I think her actions for years have hurt people and the divorce is hurting the kids. She won’t take responsibility and blames me they and others are upset with her. I even tried to suggest ways she could improve things with our older son by simply explaining she is sorry she hurt him and and she realizes this is hard. She called him and said I’m unintentionally upsetting him after a halfhearted apology. This made things worse, as she is someone that always has given those type of apologies: "I’m sorry you feel like I wasn’t there for you" or "I’m sorry I lied to your dad, but I was trying to spare his feelings". She doesn’t self reflect or take responsibility. I dwell to a fault and even after all of this think constantly of what I could have done differently. I guess my main point is that the kids and my friends and family see me as genuine and her as kind of superficial. I am hurt by her affair and the divorce but I have told anyone I talk to, including the kids good things about her and things I wish I was better at. They’re old enough to form their own opinions and have become frustrated with her. She blames me. Should I never speak of my feelings about her to the kids, good or bad?

4 comments posted: Friday, March 25th, 2022

Son meeting Exw Boyfriend

Hello. My exwife invited my son and his girlfriend over for dinner tonight. I live with my son. He’s 16 and this is his first time at her new place. She moved in with a scummy looking guy in January. I told my son if he wants to go he should but it really bothers me that this new guy is getting to spend time with my son. I know I have to be open to it. I think the guy seems sleazy but I’m worried he will be nice and maybe my son will like him. My son has been really frustrated with my soon to be exwife but decided to be nice and go. I’m also concerned she is acting like a mother again to tell her lawyer she is still spending time with our son. She rarely does and has been very selfish for months. It feels awful and I love my son and hate the reality that this guy is part of his life now. Any thoughts?

17 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022

I’m confused

My STBXW texts and calls while living with this new guy. It feels awful. I can’t forget her and move forward. We have two sons so we must talk but I really hate feeling depressed all the time. I don’t have the confidence to tell her to go away. She made her decision and I wish she would just stick with it and leave me alone. I get drawn in when she calls. I’m not strong enough to tell her not to. I feel like a weak fool. Twenty years is hard for me to forget. She did so I know I need to.

14 comments posted: Saturday, March 12th, 2022

My Home

My STBXW is living with another man. She was cheating on me with him before filing. I have two sons. One son is in college out of state. He was seeming stressed out and my ex suggested I go visit him. I was excited to go but wondered if my ex had a hidden agenda. I live in the house with our other son who is 16. My ex said if I went she could come stay at the house and make dinner for my 16 year old while I’m visiting our other son. She never helped him and the only time she did come over she brought a truck to take a grill, cabinet and chest from the house. I don’t care much about the items. We got most of them together but they were more hers. The part that makes me mad is she brought her new boyfriend into my house to get the things knowing I don’t want him here. When I asked who helped her she said it’s not my business then admitted he was here. I feel that’s invading my privacy. He already has my exwife and many other items we collected in our twenty years together. I feel if I don’t want him in my home she should respect my boundaries. Is that unreasonable?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, March 9th, 2022

Trying to avoid her

I have two kids, 16, and 20 with my soon to be exwife. She told me she wanted a divorce and briefly went to marriage counseling but gave no effort in counseling. She met a trashy looking guy and at some point started an affair with him. I suspected and she denied while still spending fine with me. She filed for divorce in late August, and i was served the papers in September. In late December, just before Christmas she admitted to the affair. She said it started in September but I suspect earlier. She now lives with the guy and we have to talk because of finances and the kids. It’s hard. I’m so mad she did all this but after spending twenty years with her I miss her. I feel I need to keep communication to a minimum to move on. She says I’m her best friend and she lied so I wouldn’t be hurt. All of my family and friends feel she has been horrible. Even the kids are angry at her. I need to figure out how to talk only when necessary. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too by wanting my friendship. I don’t want to give her friendship.

20 comments posted: Sunday, February 27th, 2022

Still miss my cheating wife. Divorce isn’t final

My wife told me in late April she was unhappy. She met a guy in June and at some point started an affair with this guy. She served me divorce papers in September and while she lived in our house snuck around with him and continued spending time with me because she considered me a "best friend". I was trying to reconcile. She flat out lied when I suspected she was seeing the guy. She admitted a few days before Christmas to dating this guy and in January moved in with him. It feels awful after being married twenty years and having two kids with her. She justifies her lying by saying she didn’t want to hurt me and she cares about me. The guy, by the way seems to be using her and I found out he moved away from several kids. I miss good times but feel I don’t even know the person she is today.

0 comment posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

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