I think this might be my first post in 5 years...
My wife's A was around this time 10 years ago.
I haven't been triggered in years. Perhaps the only trigger that remains is that every year around this time of year I feel more down than my usual self. This summer has been a little worse than usual, maybe the 10 year mark holds some significance.
First: Most of the time I'm ok.
I still read on this site at times when I'm feeling down.
Sometimes I look up youtube videos of others who have been cheated on. I'm not totally sure why - perhaps it just helps to hear someone else feeling the same hurt I felt.
Sometimes I still go through emails and voicemails I kept from that time.
I don't really compare myself to him anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about him.
As my confidence has slowly grown over time, so too has my anger at times. Now I mostly get mad when I think about the A. During and after the A it was difficult for me to see my value, and so I was consumed with sadness (and anger too but mostly sadness and an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness). Now it is so undeniably clear to me that I wasn't deserving of the way I was treated that when I think about it, it makes me angry.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down and reflecting on the A, I wonder if I made the right decision to stay.
Sometimes I go back and look at my first posts on this site. I cringe at how blindly I trusted her. The evidence was overwhelming. I was a fool.
I also sometimes get angry at myself for my foolishness in believing her at the time, given the evidence I had. I trusted her so completely.
Sometimes I wish she could actually feel how hurt I was. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it. All the words I've tried to use seem to fall short. Fractured, crumbling, shattered, devastated. It was easily the most painful part of my life. I've lost two parents and neither one of those losses comes even close to the pain of her betrayal.
Sometimes I wonder if there is more that I don't know.
Sometimes I wish I had a time machine, or that psychics were real (sorry psychics but I'm not a believer), or something along those lines -- some way that I could know for sure that there were no details left out.