Good morning everyone. Wow, thanks for the responses, I am sorry for dropping this story into the ether and then not answering, but I went to sleep as soon as I posted it, and then went straight to work at 6am.
I want you all to know that I intend to answer/quote specific responses, but will do it when I get home tonight and have some breathing space. Wife is off to the football tonight with her course members and so I'll be able to collect my thoughts.
Firstly, the thoretical. To answer the 'wtf would you ever consider swinging in light of what happened 9 years ago??', yeah I get it, but I'm pretty sexually open, as is my wife. Horses for courses and all that, and under AGREED and respected boundaries that are hinged on a combined and shared experience, this can be handled maturely. I truly felt after 9 years of R and our comfortableness in talking about sex that this could be 'slowly slowly' navigated. Caveat: It has all been voiced fantasy, nothing has ever been enacted. The concept of hunting down external dates/relationships has NEVER been on the table. She knows my boundaries on emotions.
Secondly, the practical. I am literally still shaking with anger/panic as I write this a day and a half later. I still haven't spoken to my wife, because I fear it will erupt into an ungodly tirade of profanity that would make a sailor blush in front of her conservative, and near elderly, parents. They leave tomorrow, so I can tough it out.
Someone mentioned that Esther P writer that she has been reading, and I did some digging - despite being quite a good therapist with a string of successes, she leans very heavy towards the validation of poly lifestyles as being an 'eventual potential godsend' for marriages rocked by affairs. Stuff that.
I truly feel played by this marriage counselling push, and if I was being realistic, it confirms fears that I thought were stupid paranoia birthed from 2013 thoughts in the aftermath of the affair last time: it appears that this almost urgency to get this in the open is purely to set the environment for some emotional gap year in the new job. Before all this happened, I voiced my mild concerns about resentment of her living in an apartment in a male-dominant work field in another city while I played Mr Mum with 3 kids amd a FT job back home, but was told it was something we could work through and I needn't worry. Yeah, sure. This new development isn't reassuring in that regard, even in the most supportive of environments.
As for trust at the moment, I am not worried about her going out this weekend; and trust me, I became Detective Poirot after the last A. There is nothing to suggest she's off to see anyone.
My biggest pissed-off factor at the moment is that she dumped this on me at a time when I can do nothing about it with her parents in the house, and it is exacerbated by general exhaustion post-COVID society, a ramp up in work, and getting a diagnosis of anxiety disorder yesterday and the drugs that go with that. I'm also incredibly pissed off that while her husband is obviously incandescent with anger/and is hurting, she's casually browsing this app looking at all the new possibilities that may await her. It's actually the thing that's pissing me off the most.
I won't be broken though, I know that much. This will be dealt with.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:51 AM, Friday, April 22nd]