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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

... 'can have multiple romantic relationships, irrespective of the characteristics of potential partners' rather than 'must have multiple relationships'.

Practically speaking, there is no difference.

IMO, that's a black and white view of a situation consisting of many colors and many shades.

People choose what they will do. I know a few bi people; most are single, but I know at least one who is M and monogamous. A poly woman I know has just announced her engagement. She can have sex with many people; maybe with trees, too smile . I think she's choosing monogamy.

People have feelings and natural propensities. Our feelings and propensities don't have us.

*****

This exchange may look like conflict between 2 over-generalizations. But one of the over-generalizations puts of of one type of people into a single box, as if one characteristic (sexual desire?) trumps every other characteristic.

The other possible over-generalization recognizes variations between people even if they are very similar in one major characteristic. Since we know there's wide variations among people, maybe the 2nd view isn't an over-generalization.

*****

I don't mean to prolong an argument. My goal is to remind us all that there's more in heaven and on earth than is dreamed of by our individual philosophies ... that what works for oneself may not work for many others and probably won't work for all others.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8732255
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 6:37 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

She stated that she had zero intention of meeting any of the people she was talking to, and that she felt lonely because we apparently weren't connecting emotionally

You aren't connecting because she still has not shared everything feom her first A. She still has painful secrets she never disclosed to you. She either refuses or manipulates into not sharing enough of the A story to protect herself. Yet at the same time expects you be that open with her ?

She is still lying to you. About the past and the present. She has to stop this and beginliving life authentically. A good start would be a timeline about any As she had in the past. The one you know about plus any others that you don't. Without this any R will not have a renewed commitment to honesty and by extension restore your intimacy. That us why things are touch and go to thus day.

Even people who are not experiencing infidelity can see how lopsided your relationship has been since Dday. You both are not playing on the same team. She can't ask you to be vulnerable without doing that herself KWIM? In your false R you assumed all the risk. She did not risk anything by keeping her A details to herself. It is part of your shared history and it is something you should talk about without limits. Today you don't have that which why things are not going so well.

If you want to R you need to give her a list of requirements that you need to stay in this M. If she drags her feet or makes excuses then maybe her new job marks the end of your M and a new life for you without her brokeness constantly making you sad, angry, erc.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8732320
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 10:51 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

G'day team. I just wanted to thank you for the posts since my last and that I promise to answer them. I just needed a day or two to mull everything over, and I also wanted to wait until I had gone into IC before I commented.

About to go in for my IC session, will let you know!

Thanks everyone again, I've read and pondered every word.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8732561
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:14 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

How did IC go?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4012   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8733011
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

I am a great believer in the power of words and the ability to change.
However… if your wife has had years to contemplate her happiness and connects her emotional issues (real or imagined) to not connecting to you then I doubt a single conversation or a Come to Jesus moment changes that.
I can believe something like the above can be a catalyst for change, but I would think the DECISSION to change is only the start – the process has yet to take place.

In ways it’s like when an alcoholic decided to stop drinking. That decision is easy. It’s remaining sober that stumps them. Your wife decided that you are enough. I would want to see some work to confirm that before committing to this as a salvageable marriage. Since you guys are already in MC then that would be the issue I would focus on with the MC.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10590   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8733023
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Hugs. Hurthalo, just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.

I really, really loathe when cheaters try and use the poly excuse. It makes life more difficult for those of us who actually are polyamorous.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 812   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8733142
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:50 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

How did IC go?

I'm so sorry, I got caught up in the insanity of the week, that I forgot to check in. Sorry, it has been longer than I wanted to be away, but I needed a few days. IC went really well, it was actually very, very enlightening. First off, I apologised to the therapist for having to witness 'the bomb' but he shrugged it off and said that he doesn't necessarily conform to being shocked by deviations outside of normal 'social constructs', so it wasn't a hassle.

The main points I took away from him were:
1. Did I really, in my heart, believe that she wants another relationship? He seemed to think not. My comments were that noting her past behaviour, I'd be 30/70 on her being serious. Aka, not likley serious, but who really knows?
2. He explained that part of my reticence to perhaps being emotionally open with my wife was that having trust broken 9 years ago has probably led to me being more guarded subconsciously. Noting I came from a household whereby my father cheated on my mother and divorced accordingly, the effect is probably even more magnified. In this case, even if my wife was using this behaviour to 'act out and as a cry for help', it would likely have an even worse effect.
3. I said I could not be in a relationship whereby in any given collection of time, a variation of her happiness might result in her cheating...or just as worse, I'd develop a paranoia in the relationship whereby I would simply cease to open up in any way as a defence mechanism. His response was, 'you must realise that this is her problem. Nothing you can do will change her behaviour unless she changes it and sets boundaries again, and you are not responisble for her making poor choices.'

Just as you said here, Bigger:

I can believe something like the above can be a catalyst for change, but I would think the DECISION to change is only the start – the process has yet to take place.

Hugs. Hurthalo, just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.

I really, really loathe when cheaters try and use the poly excuse. It makes life more difficult for those of us who actually are polyamorous.

Thanks PSTI, it's greatly appreciated! And yes, I still can't believe I am in this position whereby my wife has decided that my interest in PERHAPS or MAYBE entertaining some harmless, consensual fun would be in anyway construed in me giving my blessing to her persuing emotional relationships with other people. I'm still seething that that chestnut was dropped in MC (well, that's the place to do it), but with her knowing that I was going to have to suck on a shit sandwich (as we delightfully say in Australia) with visitors/family in the house for the next four days.

I've since asked her why she decided to start talking to people on the app without my knowledge/involvement and she said that 'it was just boredom/I was interested in learning about people's journeys.' My problem with all this is that:
1. She was reading the books that were open to this lifestyle/arrangement,
2. She was excited by at the least, talking to people in the poly lifestyle, and has commented that they had 'fascinating' stories to tell. I should also note that as far as I can work out, she has met none of these people, and has no contact with them outside of the app (which is now deleted).
3. She KNEW I didn't approve of our friend's excuse after his A that he was truly poly - and I know this because we had a half-drunken argument over it when it was clear she was taking his side after I suggested it was quite the convenient excuse to attempt to plaster virtue over a deplorable act.

So for her to now state that, 'oh this was all a misunderstanding - I don't want that at all,' doesn't fill me with much conviction. Who knows, I actually suspect in the last few days that I am at the anger phase of dealing with this situation. I'm simply not doing this AGAIN for a third time if she decides I haven't met some arbitrary level of romance/engagement/emotional availability at any given poiunt in time. All marriages go through that, the answer isn't dropping a nuclear bomb. She's away for a week for work, so it has given me time to think. At least she has been checking in nightly etc?

More to ponder regardless.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8733276
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 4:29 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

One thing you need to explore is why she is able to point about your lack of opening up emotionally while at the same time closing off parts of her to you. Intimacy is a two way street.

Just my .02. She is pointing to perceived flaws you have versus looking at herself. She is/has been projecting things onto you.

Your IC said it. This is her problem and only she can fix it.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8733557
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

How are you doing Hurthalo.

Have you had some time to think?

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 910   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8734011
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

How do you know she’s not connecting with guys while she’s away at work?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8734015
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 1:38 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

She's away for a week for work, so it has given me time to think.

HH, has there been any change in her wayward mindset? Did the week to yourself bring any clarity?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 438   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734788
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 11:03 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Hi OP.

Seems like your wife likes to shake up her life with DRAMA, her affair, and now chatting with those men behind your back.

She has a selfish streak to her, doesn't she. Empathy (for her long time husband) is not her strong suit.

The problem with her stirring up DRAMA, it lands right on you. From what I've read in this thread your emotional and physical health have taken a hit.

My 2 cents is she's shining you on - feeding you bullshit with some truth hoping you'll swallow it. She was up to no good.

Sounds like she's pretty good at rationalizing her nasty side and doesn't have a problem hurting you to get her jollies with other men.

It leaves things in a mess. Here hubby, here's a new mess for you to deal with. Try to not worry too much when I'm hundreds of miles away.

Fuck me.

I don't have any magical advice for you. Divorce is obviously a really serious step, maybe too soon, so have a go at reconciling. But take a trip to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

I'm just shaking my head here, you now to get to wonder what your cheating wife is up to on her 2 yr posting away from you.
Quite a wife, man. Sorry this happened to you.

posts: 443   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8734822
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