Thanks for all the posts team. Apologies about the lack of update, I've been trying to keep my head above water in regards to everything; especially in regards to the kids and work - not to mention trying to refrain from screaming at my wife in sheer frustration at any given hour.
You are going to laugh, but not be surprised one iota, at what has transpired in the last week or so. I suspect I know the outcome of this, but I'll post it for posterity anyway - I'm just left shaking my head in disbelief.
Something didn't sit right with me in regards to getting the poly bomb dropped on me at MC, and after she mentioned two weeks ago finding out that her workmate/friend's marriage 'was in the middle of falling apart because their polyamory experiment has failed', something clicked. She also mentioned to me a few days ago that she was catching up with said-workmate becasue he wanted to have a coffee because he was upset about his marriage problems. Since my wife's 2013 affair, I have been extra alert in regards to male workmates with whom boundaries might be blurring. She works in a male-dominated industry, so I maintain a realistic view of interactions. But she knows that not maintaining boundaries are what led to the last affair. Needless to say, in the context of the last few weeks, my spidey sense was now tingling.
I feel bad about this, but the other night I went through her phone. For someone who she has been friends with, there is a distinct lack of messages between them. In fact, there are large multi-month gaps in their messaging history. Red flag 1. My heart starts beating.
Again feeling guilty, and applying the maxim of 'girls tell their friends everything', I have a scan of her conversations with her best friend who lives in another city. It's awful. I am basically an arsehole. My hobbies piss her off. I started putting an office chair together in the lounge room and that pisses her off. I mean we ALL whinge to our friends from time to time about 'you won't believe the silly thing my significant other has done now', but this is almost caustic. I sure as hell NEVER talk about her like this. When I went overseas for work, she wrote: 'I am relieved he has gone to tell you the truth.' I had no idea she felt this way. It gets better. She's still angry that I 'character assassinated' her during the blowup of the 2013 affair. By that she means, 'he told a bunch of people what was going on'. I literally had to tell her parents because she wouldn't stop talking to the AP. I had to tell one or two workmates because I was in tears at my desk. Apparently I'm an arsehole because a few people in our industry might have found out about it accordingly. Despite the affair taking part in the bloody workplace!? Wow.
She did confess to her friend that she felt like dropping the poly bomb was a way to 'set a firecracker off as a call for help'. Hmm.
It gets better though. Let's call her friend 'B'. I find this interesting line of conversation from a few weeks ago. They are talking about a TV show they are watching. I should also add that in Australia, it's a common slang to refer to someone as 'old mate'. Like: 'You spilled your drink? Call old mate over to give you a cloth to clean it up!'. It's a generic term of endearment for someone you don't know. Anyway:
Wife: 'Old mate would love this show.'
Wife: '...No.' (her use of the ellipsis is pretty telling)
B: 'There's so many old mates you refer to.' (here she's saying, 'you call everyone old mate! Who are you referring to?')
Wife: 'Most recent old mate.'
B: 'Which you've never entirely divulged deets on. Bu I'm ok with that.'
Wife: 'You know me well enough.'
F$#k. This. Noise. By now I am raging. I screenshot the convo and send it to her. I confront her in person. She shuts down and says, 'I don't want to talk about this. I'm tired.' I finally get an explanation (which I don't believe at this point), apparently she realised that their conversations were starting to cross familiarity boundaries and she quote: 'pulled back from it'. I ask that if 'nothing happened, then why does her friend who lives 300kms away know that this guy is in some way significant?' I get something about 'well she knows that he worked with me and that we had been discussing our marriages.'
I ask why she has evidently been deleting messages between them. 'That's because we were discussing you and my unhappiness, and I know that you reading that would hurt you.' Oh, you mean by all the exactly zero times I've checked your phone? I posited that it was an emotional affair in the workplace - the very same thing that happened last time. She has tried to tell me that 'it's not like that, if it was an affair, he certainly wasn't privy to it.'
She's shrugging this off like it's nothing. Like opening up to someone of the opposite sex THAT YOU ARE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT DOING SO WITH isn't an affair.
I'm so done with this. I'll never find out the truth. I'm actually highly contemplating contacting this clown's wife. I have a deep suspicion that their marriage falling apart probably has more to do with my wife then she would like to admit. I'm livid - but not surprised. It's funny how my wife's research into polyamory seems to have coincided with all this. Bloody hell.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:17 PM, Sunday, June 5th]