Is it possible he liked you because you didn't have a lot of experience with relationships? Sounds like there was an unequal balance of control in your relationship.
My counselor asked me this too. Yes, he loved that I had never experienced ANYONE or any kind of boyfriend prior to him. Back then he cherished me for that - instead of having some perverted virgin fantasy (yes, really, it wasn't that). And sadly, that ended rather quickly. Now I believe that he may have cherished me and my lack of experience for a time, but there was also a twisted part that gave him the sense of "possession and ownership" of me. In fact, he says he feels like AP, SC and AG "own" me. Like I belong to them. And he has recently explained to me that he still "owns" his ex-wife, even though she disgusts him and he has no interest in being with her. Fuck, the more I'm typing what's been said to me, the more I'm realizing how much I've disregarded.
Ok..so the opposite of despising not being in control,means he loves being in control.
That's called gaslighting.
Once I calmly told him that I feel like he gaslights me, back in 2018, and he was so insulted. Now he has accused me of gaslighting him a few times. I feel confused MOST of the time...so, yeah.
He demanded it of you and threatened you... that's abuse. Your relationship with your BH does not sound healthy. He has you doing things that you do not want to do. He controls you. He is afraid of you going to counseling because he doesn't want you to learn that the relationship, and him, is unhealthy.
Apparently abuse I am willing to condone. And yes you are most likely right about the counseling. He is terrified of them telling me what you all are saying to me. Literally terrified. Like possibly his worst fear is me leaving him. Actually, probably our daughter dying or being kidnapped is first, and me leaving is second. He has abandonment issues (and I can see clearly why, his family has treated him like shit). And yes, again, I feel a huge responsibility for him because of this.
YOU WERE PIMPED OUT FOR HIS SEXUAL KINKS.
I recently googled how pimping works and found the term "trauma bond." Would it be safe to assume that there is trauma bonding in our relationship? It seems extreme to me to label it like that but I obviously minimize my circumstances, so I don't know.
Have you heard of the member LadyG?
I checked the members tab but can't seem to search any specific member. Which category did she post in? I looked everywhere.
You know in your heart you need to leave.
I do feel it. But my brain goes "that could be me just living in fantasy-land, thinking single life or being with someone else would be easier." Even if I divorce, will I really be free? There will be severe consequences if I leave, one being my daughter getting the brunt of it all. Yay, maybe I'd be happier, but would she? Really? I've been a stepmom for 9.5 years. It sucks. For them. They lost both their parents and hardly gained anything. It's them against the world. So I guess that is also keeping me from ending it. I can't see how my daughter seeing me in pain is worse that the horrendous pain that she would inevitably endure if we divorced. How does everyone even make that decision? It is so goddamn hard. AND I WILL LOSE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STEPKIDS. HOW THE FUCK CAN I PUT THEM THROUGH ANOTHER DIVORCE? I'm sorry, these are the thoughts I have every day. Legit mind battles.
It makes me know you have not accepted your status because everything is rooted in your own shame.
I'm starting to.
So many people believe that they aren’t being abused because someone isn’t hitting them. This is a toxic environment that you will never be able to hea in. Your daughter deserves for at least one of her parents to be healthy and the only person you have control over working towards that is you.
Thank you for the reminder. She literally deserves the best in life.
Something else I have been debating on doing is asking to meet with my sister in law, in private. She knows some of my story, up until the affair with AP in 2018. She knows nothing after that. She is the one who was in an abusive marriage that recently ended. She saw me emotionally distressed last weekend while we were all together (including BH), and asked privately if I was okay and held me. I said "no, I'm not...You guys only know a little bit." She calmly said "It's okay. You can tell me someday." I'm afraid though, she may tell her twin sister, who will tell her husband, and they may ostracize me and BH again. I spilled my guts before, only it was with her twin, and she blabbed and fucking moved away from us and didn't talk to us until her twin sister filed for divorce! So my trust toward them is not so strong. And then BH will really be all alone...I honestly don't like that, no matter what he's done. It's his family. But! I'm also at a game-time decision and I feel I need all the guidance I can get. I get that you are all saying to just fucking leave. I do think this sister in law can be objective and offer her thoughts. She is smart, she knows him well, including a lot of his hangups, but what's ironic is that she didn't see all the abuse her ex put her through, while the ones who loved her saw everything that m'f'er did. We just admitted out loud last weekend that we all bit our tongues so many times around them when they were married/together. Red flags everywhere. Maybe they see something with me and BH too and just don't want things to change, or maybe they are just afraid for some other reason. Or maybe they have no clue and they think everything is fuckin' peachy. Do I leave it alone and just listen to you and my counselor? Or would that be an okay thing to pursue?