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I don't really know how these things work.

But if he's still going to jail regardless of bail, and bail is is last chance to see his son before he goes off to jail, I'd probably end up posting it.

But then again, I suck with boundaries.

Whatever you choose at this point is the right choice. Because there is no right choice. They all stink. You've given more than most. You don't need to give more. But if you do give more, you are not a bad person for it and I don't think it enables your son much if he's still going to go to jail after all.

Both boys have known since about 13 that if they ever get themselves put in jail, they better get themselves out. Period. Nobody has money to be throwing away. If they were there for something they didn't do, and I knew that for a fact, I might reconsider...might. I say might be a somewhere along the way they still made decisions that resulted in being arrested, whether it was hanging out with the wrong crowd, or being somewhere he knew better than to be.
No, I would not advise you to bail him out. You don't have the extra money. The savings is just that, for your future.

annanew...

The way the bail works is that a bond is set for the charges. You have to remain in jail until you go to court. But, if you have someone that will pay 1/10 of the bond amount, they can pay that money and bail you out of jail. That money is gone forever. What that money buys you is the privilege of being out of jail until your court case goes to court. But you do not get the money back when you show up to court. And if you do not show up to court, the person who put up the 1/10 of bail, hast to pay the the full bond amount.

The reason I was considering bailing my son out is because he finally had a great job that he loved and he was taking it very seriously. His lawyer had told him that with the first offense, for which he was out on bail, it could be months and months and months before the case was heard. So I felt that getting him out / paying the 1/10 amount, would be worth him being out and being constructive for months and months and would be worth the money.

But now, the bail would be so high, there is a threat of revoking the bail- in which case they would not refund the money if they made him go back to jail to await trial, and the fact that he will almost certainly have to serve time for his offenses...all those reasons put together have convinced me not to post bail.

He seems resolved to it now. Said he was ready to hunker down and start doing his time...because whatever time he spends in jail prior to his court case will count as time served and will be taken off whatever sentence he is given.

I keep hearing about more and more involved with his charges. I’m so very scared. He calls me 2-3 times a day...I think mostly because I can’t stop crying when we talk, and he’s worried about me.

I have to get control of that. I don’t want to add to his situation.

Thank y’all for listening and for your contributions.

I have been literally sick all day. Haven’t slept but a tiny bit in 3 days.

Still can’t believe it is happening.

My son has been in small time trouble off and on his whole life. Once, my mother asked me… Toward the end of her life, if I thought that he was ever going to straighten up. I told her that yes I did believe that he was going to straighten up. Then she asked me if I thought it would happen in her lifetime. I had to be honest, so I told her that no, I did not think it would be in her lifetime… And it was it.

Now I am thinking that it’s not going to be in my lifetime either.

If only I could know that it would be in my lifetime.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:46 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

(((WR)))

(((WR)))

Duplicate, but hey, take extra hugs.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:54 AM, Saturday, December 4th]

As hard as it may be, do not post his bail. If you want to put money on his books for snacks or whatever that is up to you but I would only give so much a month.

He is grown and has made his own life choices. He has already proved that he cannot make good choices while out on bond for one crime. You will be on the hook for the whole amount.

No one wants to see their child go to prison. It's up to him to how he handles himself once he is out. Most people makes the most of their prison sentence and earn degrees. Others go in and out for the rest of their lives.

Thanks so much.

Y’all, I’m stuck. I’m so scared.

The last couple of conversations with my son have been all about him telling me that he may have good news...that if the car is unlocked and the keys are in it...the charge is called "joyriding" rather than car theft.

I’m so upset that he is minimizing what he has done.

I guess I want him to be sitting in regret and remorse for his choices.

I’m having trouble here. I’m stuck.

I have always been able - in times of trouble - to look forward to better times. I have been just knowing that my H would improve if I just kept plugging along and pushing him. Now he is making great progress with his physical therapy. He is getting up more. His contracted arms are straightening out so that he can push his chair, and he is really happy about that.

But I don’t know how to help my son to improve the quality of his life. His issues are moral and spiritual.

And if I can’t help my kids, and others who are close to me...why am I here?

I’m sitting here in the middle of boxes and bins of Christmas decorations that I need to finish putting up, but it just seems so frivolous at this point.

I’m sorry to be so down. I’m thinking about myself, and I should be thinking about my son. But I just don’t see that I can help him.

WR... you HAVE to think of yourself. It's not a bad thing. It's imperative.

(((WR)))

WR, I hope that you realize you help people just by who you are, just by being YOU. You CARE. You GIVE. You LOVE. you do not have to fix everything in order to be valued, loved, have purpose…. You give so many intangible things to everyone in your life. And you sacrifice so so much for others.

Please fill your cup, protect your future. No one is asking you to not care— just to care about yourself as much as you care about others.

On a personal note, "knowing" you through SI has been one of the great things for me about being on SI. You have given me a different perspective on empathy and giving and resilience and courage. And it has made me a better person. Take care of you, please. (((Hugs))).

BarelyBreathing...

That is the kindest thing I have ever been told. You are so very sweet.

It makes me more than honored to know that even in such a negative topic of discussion, I can be of ANY Kind of help to someone.

WR, just try to keep money for your son on his jail books so he can have extra food to eat. THAT "IS" helping and easy to do. Also spend as much time with his little son that you can and take lots of pictures for your son.

You will get through this. As my Grandmother used to say .... you see 100 troubles coming at you down the road but 99 of those troubles fall into the ditch before they get to you. I've found that to be true.

Remember, IF he is sent to prison, you WILL get to visit and spend time with him. Lots of quiet time during those visits to show your love and support to him. Hopefully this will force him to grow up and he will come out of all of it a much settled and better person.

When is his next hearing?

I am so sorry WR. I think you have made tge right choice.

Said he was ready to hunker down and start doing his time...because whatever time he spends in jail prior to his court case will count as time served and will be taken off whatever sentence he is given.

This is true and gives you comfort that he also thinks (even if he doesn’t say it) that you did the right thing.

And to the PP right above ne (i didnt catch their name) who said keep money on his commesary acct for food and spend time/ take lots of pic of his child, thats a great way for you to do something positive for your son.

Big hugs

Whatsright, checking on you.

Hoping you are having some peace of mind and seeing your grandchildren.

So, my son seems to be doing well in jail while he awaits going to court. I’m sending money in for the commissary, and some for the phone also. His greatest joy when he talks to me is to tell me about when he talks with his lady, and their son. Who will be two years old in February. He tells me that when his son hears his voice, he laughs and giggles and tries to talk.

He has told me recently that his charges should not be as bad as what he originally thought. He has talked with some other people in jail that have done a lot of study in the law library, and that they have told him that if it was going to be a federal case, they would’ve never let him out on bail. Also, he said that if you did not break into a car, in our state that is called "joy riding" and is a misdemeanor.

I don’t know if he is right. Seems counterproductive to go by what other inmates say. But what I am more concerned about than the length of his time in jail, is that his focus seems to be on whether or not he will have to stay for a longer or shorter period of time… When I think his mind ought to be on what he has done, and what he is going to do to change that behavior.

I try to just sound is happy as I can when he calls. I have not been able to go see him yet, because I get too upset. The last time he was in jail at Christmas time, we schedule a visit. That was when he was actually on the other side of the class. Now it is just a video of him. He told me last night when we spoke that he hoped that I could schedule a phone video visit with him soon… If I was up to it. I feel selfish, But I feel like it would be better not to have a visit at all, than to have one and have him see me upset. That seems to really hurt him.

Whatsright, I thought of you during the holidays and I know it had to be difficult for you.

I am seeing a trend of counties and states doing whatever is possible to lower the incarceration numbers. Costs are so high to house inmates and due to covid - and not enough workers to fill the gaps, many changes are taking place. The possibility of your son's charges being reduced are a real possibility. While he shouldn't depend on inmates being 'jail house lawyers', he should speak with his public defender about pleading to reduced charges. This is normal procedure. Meanwhile, it seems as if being in jail is making him think about things and may end up being a blessing in disguise.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

I try to just sound is happy as I can when he calls. I have not been able to go see him yet, because I get too upset. The last time he was in jail at Christmas time, we schedule a visit. That was when he was actually on the other side of the class. Now it is just a video of him. He told me last night when we spoke that he hoped that I could schedule a phone video visit with him soon… If I was up to it. I feel selfish, But I feel like it would be better not to have a visit at all, than to have one and have him see me upset. That seems to really hurt him.

I checked in to see how everyone is doing and am so sorry to read this latest chapter with your dear boy. Here's hoping he'll use his time there to sit back and take a good hard look at his situation and life choices to date and maybe realize he should listen to his Mama more.

You do know that you have been a wonderful mother and none of this is your fault, right? if anything, him having you as his mother has probably saved him from a worse fate a kazillion times over. I wish the researchers had more knowledge about how to help the children who are born with the trauma that negatively affects their thinking and their decision-making. If I could go back in time, I'd have a career studying the brain and trying to find ways to help heal the ones that need it.

Here's hoping things are resolved soon and that you get to wrap your arms around him soon.