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Newest Member: Bert

Just Found Out :
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....


HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 1:26 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

…taking steps to be happy.

Subtle point, but take steps to be satisfied, not happy. You can do things, set goals and meet them, that will bring you satisfaction. It s all in your control. You can wait forever for being happy.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2832   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8702569

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:49 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Just want to tell you that you made the absolute correct choice for you right now. You need time. Months. Years. Away from her. If there is a possible path back together that is the only one. Only after she does a couple of years of therapy w an infidelity specialist and you do the same with a trauma specialist.

My hope is after all that time you find someone new without the same history of cheating. But if you are still dead set on being with your WF, then someday down the road it will only be possible if she’s done the hard work to become a safe partner, for you or for anyone.

From what you have told us about her, I don’t think she has it in her. But people can be surprising and change. I hope she does. But don’t wait around for her to do it. Live your life, work with a therapist and find your own happiness.

Take care.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3392   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8702572

 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 7:18 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

After learning what codependency means I could tell we were definitely in a codependent relationship. Guess I need to build up my own interests and not drop everything "for love" in the future. It's kinda crazy all my hobbies involved her in some way. So I have all this free time and nothing to spend it on. No better time to try new things I guess.

I was always in the view that "Love conquers all". If something doesn't work then I just need to try harder. I felt like I was the giver in the relationship which can lead to depending on feeling like I'm needed. I can see how that can lead to missing red flags and developing a codependent relationship.

Guess going forward I need to find someone who matches me well and doesn't require me to feel like I need to put in all the work. I need to have my own hobbies and me time to maintain my own self inside the relationship.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 7:22 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8702618

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 7:28 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Old me
Best wishes to you as you start fresh. May your heart heal and find real true genuine deep love!

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 218   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8702622

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:04 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Can I make a suggestion?

Maybe in future relationships you don’t give up YOU and your passions or hobbies or needs. I am more of an independent person and always found things to do on my own that really irked the hell out of prior boyfriends (and they were all harmless things snd no other guys were involved). It was a jealousy/insecurity thing for them.

Even now I do things apart from my H that I enjoy and he doesn’t. Same for him. He does things separately from me like play golf with his friends etc

Don’t give up YOU!! for the sake of someone else. A healthy relationship requires time apart to recharge yourself. It’s healthy.

Just like you don’t work 24/7 your relationships - friends or girlfriends — cannot be 24/7 either.

I hope this gives you some perspective. I learned this lesson the hard way with putting my life on hold (at times) for my Husband. Not anymore. I come first — not him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:05 PM, Saturday, December 4th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11867   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702639

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:34 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

It's kinda crazy all my hobbies involved her in some way.

Never anchor your own identity on somebody else.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 974   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8702884

KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 5:39 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to?

Not to reiterate the obvious, but.. the person you're talking to is a grown-ass woman who had a range of choices in her life. You know what her options were. She made an active, deliberative choice to be unfaithful to you (as you've heard several times so far, this was never a simple mistake). She did it with her eyes open and with her own agency. She looked you in the eye and denied anything happened until it became obvious that this wasn't true. Then she shrugs and says something infantile sounding like "if you're not going to ever trust me you're not going to trust me, and that's that". That's an awfully convenient justification for "I don't even want to bother trying with you."

Words are cheap and easy. Actions are harder. Anyone can shout to the heavens about how they will do "anything" to fix something they have destroyed, but if actions don't match words, you have that person's measure. Your ex-fiancé can't burn down the house and complain that the ashes are not to her liking. Being told she doesn't want to "pay for a mistake for the rest of her life" should tell you everything here. She's saying she really does not WANT to reconcile, that this relationship isn't worth the effort, the scrutiny, the painful self-analysis she needs to go through to even start being a safe and trustworthy partner. As many people have eloquently put it-- she should be willing to climb over barbed wire to give you these assurances. The fact that she just considers this a big old bother speaks volumes, and none of it good.

I think you did the right thing here. Expecting you to trust her again, simply because that's the way she wants it, that's just a monstrous expectation 3 weeks after DDay. Recovery took me years. If she's not willing to work with you, well, there are no magic reset buttons. She gets what she gets.

I'm sorry life is miserable right now. I assure you, I've been there, only it was AFTER I had been married for 12 years. With children. Don't be me. You are luckier than you know. You deserve to be a happy man, and I know you will be, but happiness isn't a light switch you flip, any more than trust is. Good luck.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8702926

 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 12:59 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

Well said @KingofNothing.

I'm sorry life is miserable right now. I assure you, I've been there, only it was AFTER I had been married for 12 years. With children. Don't be me. You are luckier than you know. You deserve to be a happy man, and I know you will be, but happiness isn't a light switch you flip, any more than trust is. Good luck.

Thank you for this. This is where my life is right now. I am willing to put in the work and the grind. Some days are harder than others, but I've already survived the worst (D-Day) so am trying to see the cup as a quarter full ya know xD

Got to say holidays are really rough though. Seeing others be happy and have plans, while I have nothing for the first time in a while is rough. But alas it's another hurdle to overcome. Thinking of spending some of the money I saved from being newly-single to splurge and treat myself :) Take myself out on a date sort of.

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8703955

 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 1:14 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

A recent realization I had, guess I'll post it here and use it more as a diary and chronicle of my healing journey. Even in my OP I mentioned dating as a 30s. When to date, who to date has always been on my mind. I even asked my counsellor about this. I realized recently that this fixation is likely coming from a fear of being alone and fear that I won't be able to find anyone. I guess the age factor isn't helping (I read dating in the 30s is rough), which feeds the neuroticism. So deep down I'm trying to rush myself through the grieving process so that I can be "out there" again. But I feel grief is not something that can be rushed, so I feel a tension constantly, with triggers such as seeing others in happy relationships that lead to an outburst of pain. Ironically I feel this slows down the healing and further feeds into the fear. So what I need to do (even if my heart is saying otherwise) is to face the fear of loneliness and actually be alone for a while. And do stuff that makes being alone... well more tolerable. So if I never find anyone else (which is never a guarantee) and die alone at least I can die a happy man. This I hope will make healing take its natural course, which afterward whatever happens happens. To be honest this is quite the thought to wrap my head around... Damn the loneliness is crushing at this stage.

If anyone else is in a similar stage of healing maybe you also share some of the same thought process.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 1:17 AM, Tuesday, December 14th]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8703957

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:31 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

I don't think it hurts a bit to make sure you're taking your time and making healthy choices. There's a pretty cool book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson which might help you figure out if this is stuff you need to worry about or not. The author does a good job of talking about how our brains and bodies react to the sudden loss of a relationship and how the Fear of Abandonment, which has been hardwired into us from birth, comes into play. What I'm hearing you say is that you want to feel like you're comfortable in your own skin before moving on to another relationship and I do think that's a smart idea.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5431   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8703963

medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 2:21 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

I've always been of the opinion that people should be comfortable by themselves - be self reliant if you like.

The personal resiliency to be able to sit and enjoy a quiet evening doing what you feel like doing without the need to have that validated by someone else is important from a psychological point of view. Being able to amuse oneself, entertain yourself and not need someone else to take part in it with is very decent skill to have.

More importantly, being able to disassociate yourself from the activities of others and even play the role of a simple bystander is also a good skill to have. It makes the episodes of loneliness not something to avoid, but rather to be something that just is.

Getting to a stage where you can think "oh, I have nothing on so I might pull out a book and a nice bottle of wine and have a quiet evening and get lost in the pages" is a far better view to have rather than a "crap I have nothing to do except sit and stare at a wall and hate on others enjoying themselves".

Like everything its a skill that you can learn.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8703973

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 2:59 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

You should probably spend some time along if you have codependency issues dude. Take the time to work on yourself and I know for a fact that when you're ready, you'll have no problem finding someone. If you rush it, you can get into a rebound situation, which is not good.

the other issue is you, than, have not fixed your dependency issue, and that needs addressing. Take the time and work on yourself. There is literally Billions with a B of people out there. When I started this, I was 39 and I can assure you, it was not a problem finding someone to date. The problem was finding someone solid. There is a ton of women out there, so don't stress out about that. once you fix yourself and get yourself right, you'll be able to attract a better quality women as well.

Don't stress---

Create you to do list right now of what you need to get done. Divorce, IC, workout, and whatever else you need to give yourself a roadmap. Put dating down on the list, but only after you've gotten down with some of these other items you need to check off first, so that you can really work on getting those items checked off.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8703978

 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 3:41 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

If you rush it, you can get into a rebound situation, which is not good.

I feel like this is what I'm realizing: Focusing on, and being afraid of the dating delays the thing itself. So why put myself through all this anxiety and fear when it's counter-productive to begin with! Now actually letting go of the fear is its own challenge. But I've had to make some tough decisions so I'm cautiously optimistic I can face these challenges too...

A bit of backstory. This realization came about from learning that a friend is getting engaged. I'm obviously very happy for them. But immediately my brain went to "oh look at how happy they are versus how shit you feel", "look how pathetic you are compared to them", "maybe you'll never be this happy again", "everyone you know is in a better spot in life than you", etc. It was almost like a trigger, and those thoughts lasted most of the day. Afterwards I tried to be introspective to see why I felt the way I felt, cause it was definitely not right. That's when I felt I was scared of being alone so I was rushing myself through the recovery process out of fear.

edit: reading my post again I probably should mention this incident to my IC.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 3:43 AM, Tuesday, December 14th]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8703984

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 1:21 PM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

Afterwards I tried to be introspective…


Think of those triggers as little seismic shock waves coming up from the center of You. You can just swirl in them like flotsam in a current, or you can do what you just did, and follow them back down, so to speak, to get at the core of who you are. Introspect on them. Use them.

The way we know what the center of the Earth is like is by analyzing those little seismic shocks. Just so with you.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2832   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8704036

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:41 PM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

The fact that you are able to step aside and self analyze why you are having these feelings and triggers is excellent. Having these thoughts and feelings is so normal following such an emotional trauma. Keep journaling and venting. Share with your IC. As you realize that these fears are part of the normal process of grieving and not your future reality, the faster you will heal. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8704038

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

oldme, you are still dealing with a lot. Give yourself time and don't rush.

I think you are making positive steps. Keep doing things for yourself. I think you are right not to start dating until you are healed and in a better place mentally.

I've had similar thoughts. I divorced at 38. It's been 5 years. I've had similar thoughts of if/when I will meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I know there is no given. I've focused on other things for a while. Maybe because it has been 5 years, I don't stress over it.

Time definitely helped and I think it will help you.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8704042

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

"she loved me dearly too."

I am about 4 years out...

What I can share is my experience, strength, and some hope.

What helped me a lot back in the dark days was what someone said to me....No matter what my husband SAID he felt for me his betrayal was not loving. They said "That's not Love."

I define love very differently now than before the DDs that led to me filing for divorce. To me, love is how people treat me. For me, it cannot coexist with lies.

"Love is kind. It does not seek its own way." Or it's own perceived unicorn fantasy interests while in a committed relationship preparing to marry.

I had fears of being alone. My WH told me no one would ever want me.

The reality is very different. I am a woman in my later 50s. Some people would say the odds are against me. But if I did not want to be alone, I could (covid situation aside) choose from many very willing potential partners whose values and interests and actions match mine. I used to joke that if I walked into any bar I would have a 50-50 chance of not being with a cheater. Which was far better than my chances with my husband.

Another thing I learned is that few decisions I might have made to protect myself were truly irreversible. Move out? If my husband did the work to become a safe partner would could move back in together. File for divorce? If my husband demonstrated true remorse (very different from covering his tracks or his backside), then I could drop the divorce or he could show me he is a safe partner and, in time, ask me to marry him again and protect me with a prenup.

If I was not yet married or in a committed relationship, I could also have tested my husband's "no one would ever want me" or my fear of being alone by either being along and seeing how it felt compared with being with a cheater.
Or I could have tried dating/getting to know several people and see what happened. I am not talking about having sex with different people or using them to validate myself because that is not in accordance with my values. I am simply talking about testing my wh's assertion that I was unloveable. Tongue in cheek here but the two-way door would have allowed me to go back to a man (my husband) who did not guard my heart or my sexual health if he was right and I was unloveable by anyone else.

I wish you joy, peace, and a future you (who has healed from infidelity) a relationship with someone who genuinely loves you. It could be your WF doing the hard work some of the waywards in here have done.

as they say "Your mileage may vary." I personally did myself no favors rug sweeping my wh's prior unloving unfaithful actions and his long history of lying to me.

posts: 938   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8704052

 oldmewasmurdered (original poster member #79473) posted at 3:18 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

As expected first Christmas after Dday was rough. I expect first new year's Eve and Valentine's Day to be no different laugh having family and friends to spend the holidays with is a god send. Got to say I've never been more tempted to reach out to the ex to see how she's feeling and doing... Must be hard on her too (or maybe not, I don't know)

One thing I've noticed lately is that yes the pain is still there ofc, but it's taken different forms. In the beginning the pain is like giant waves that knock you off your feet with the flashbacks. Lots of ugly crying in those days. Now it feels the waves are smaller, but the water is still there and your socks are wet. It feels like the pain turns into this aura, this filter that shifts everything I see slightly. Some thing trigger the filter to be more visible, like for me it's seeing things that reminds of what I had lost, watching couples be committed and be lovey-dovey. Those are the moment I recognize that the filter exists. Everything just feels so... Muted. I guess this is part of why it's so easy to be depressed after a trauma like this. Just an interesting observation I made about the shit I'm going through smile

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706130

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Your feelings now are nornal, but as you mentioned it gets better with time, DO NOT reach out to her and remain NC, do not look at her social media or ask mutual friends about her, avoid pain shopping.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8706168

Sordid ( member #50143) posted at 1:21 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021


You're doing great. I know it's hard, and it's going to continue to be hard. But I've interacted with literally hundreds of people dealing with infidelity, and you're honestly doing quite well.

I think the most important realization that you've shared with us, is the need to have your own life, that you're interested in. This can't be emphasized enough, and if you've gone your whole life always thinking in terms of "we" (either with a romantic partner, a friend or group of friends, family, or whatever), then starting to feel comfortable in your own skin, and enjoying time alone, can be difficult. It's going to take effort.

But the payoff is so worth it. The obvious payoff is that you are able to enjoy life without needing to be in a relationship; which isn't to say that you'll be happy in exactly the same way or to exactly the same degree as you would if you were with a good partner, but being able to actually feel those positive emotions in an authentic way by going to a movie by yourself, or learning how to do some home remodeling, or whatever, makes life more pleasant.

There are two related benefits that aren't necessarily so obvious. The first is that if you know you can be happy without a romantic partner, you can be a lot more choosey in selecting your partner. Don't underestimate the importance of this-- partnering with someone who you think is 65% of what your perfect partner would be like, is much, much different than partnering with someone who is 85%. The related benefit is that you yourself become more attractive and seem like a better partner to other people. Having accomplishments of your own, interests of your own, stories to tell about adventures on your own-- all of these things make you more attractive to the vast majority of women. Another thing that almost all women desire in a partner is self-confidence and self-assurance; and the more you're able to find satisfaction doing things because they matter to you, the more you're going to project confidence.

So, ironically, taking the time and putting in the very real effort to build a satisfying life on your own, both makes you more likely to attract a partner you want, and also more able to wait until you find someone you're a really good fit with before committing. Strange, but true.

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do.” Douglas Coupland

posts: 218   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015
id 8706347
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