Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
Sex is a chore…

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 SMG1986 (original poster member #57950) posted at 8:22 AM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Here I am, back after almost 5 years since DDay and 2-3 since last posting. Lots and lots of counseling/therapy, prayer, and tears later.

My husbands affair no longer hurts me the way it did- I don’t obsess about it daily.. I can actually go several days- maybe weeks- without even thinking about it.. until sex is involved. my attraction to him has suffered greatly. Sex is a chore, and I often try to think of someone/something else. I sometimes get visions of him with affair partners.. and even if I don’t I hate when he kisses me or is on top of me. I get so turned off. I thought maybe it was just me and my drive waning.. but I often wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.

We have 4 children and it devastates me to think of breaking their home- but it’s equally devastating to think of living the rest of my life with this man who I love and care about- but cannot be with intimately without feeling disgust or resentment.

I can say he has put in work- he is now clean and sober, has given me space to heal and grieve, and has been understanding and patient.. but it’s just not enough for me… I feel so defeated.

Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
Us: Together 11 years
DS: 14, DS: 10, DS: 8, DD: 4

D-days:
4/2016 & 2/14/2017 with TT until 5/2017

posts: 115   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2017
id 8691516
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suddenlyisee ( member #32689) posted at 1:46 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

SMG

No real advice, just understanding.
I have two D-days in this relationship - mid 2017 and late 2019.
It isn't every time - but I'm finding myself pulling away from her, rejecting her. Even an embrace in the kitchen sometimes just feels stifling. I pull away - and I mean that I physically squirm and pull away. All while craving closeness and physicality.
No thoughts of wanting to punish her - none at all.
I don't want her to feel worse, I just want to feel better.
Maybe it's that I sense that infidelity is, for her, in the past - and I'm resentful and annoyed that I still think about it here and there. I kind of feel, I guess, that her work shouldn't be over until I say it's over. Despite her having done some really heavy lifting these last few years, I feel like I'm barely propping myself up some days.
Funny thing is, If we were to talk about it, I wouldn't be able to articulate what I want or need.

.. but it’s just not enough for me… I feel so defeated.


This resonates.

I think I know the only way to fix this is to bring it up and ask for some empathy - but that feels like a huge step back, doesn't it. I don't want to re-hash ANY of it, hurting me, hurting her... but that's probably exactly what I need to do to move forward.
Foul medicine.

Following

Semi-pro BS in R

posts: 422   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8691537
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 2:07 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

This is a very surface level approach to your issue, but it helped me.

Do you ever use toys when having sex? I found I could enjoy sex, even when I didn’t feel like "making love", by bringing a toy into the mix. Gave me something to focus on besides him, so helped with mind movies, and my satisfaction was always the main goal. Also helps with any resentment of him finishing, and you not, if that’s happening.

Again, that’s not getting to the root of why you have this aversion to him (I’ll leave that to the veterans) but might help to make sex more fun for you. You may even find yourself looking forward to it! At least that was my experience when I had struggled with wanting to be intimate with him. I made it about me.

[This message edited by Underserving at 2:09 PM, Monday, October 4th]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8691539
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Sometimes consequences are just that--reality.

But it might be helpful to explore this more in IC and perhaps MC. Can this be reframed and accepted somehow, or does a change have to be made. Big change or little, temporary or permanent?

BW 30-year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA
Recovering

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8691565
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 5:38 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

SMG - I’m really sorry you’re still suffering in this way. Have never been in your position but I empathize. My advice isn’t based on experience, have you discussed with your FWH? Does he know? Can he tell when having sex with you? MC w/a betrayal trauma specialist or sex therapist? You might be sick of all the therapy, therapy, therapy. You shouldn’t have to live in a marriage that’s sexually unfulfilling, especially based on FWH’s actions.

Maybe it's that I sense that infidelity is, for her, in the past - and I'm resentful and annoyed that I still think about it here and there. I kind of feel, I guess, that her work shouldn't be over until I say it's over.

This really resonated. suddelyisee, thank you for sharing that.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8691567
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 7:20 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

I believe what you're feeling is probably more normal than a lot would admit to. I'll admit that it's hard for me to share the real me with my W. But for me, I know that it's primarily because she's proven to me that she'll protect herself at my own cost and I do not feel I have the real truth. In that case it makes sense that I wouldn't share genuine intimacy with her. If she made corrective steps to be completely truthful with me there would be room for all of that to improve and for real healing. But alas...I don't have high hopes as I perceive fear dominates her mind instead of a desire for the good that will come from bearing who she's really been and is with me. So the real her remains hidden and I refuse to remove any protective barriers until my gut tells me she's not an imposter.

SMG, you spoke words that infer healing but your last paragraph eludes to there being some missing pieces for you/him to have real and genuine intimacy. Do you actually feel emotionally safe with him? Do you feel like you have the real person of the heart in front of you or do you feel as though he's inauthentic? Have you explored what may be missing from his efforts that may be causing this disconnection from intimacy?

Do you feel there is something lacking on his part?
Do you feel there is something you refuse to let go of despite real and consistent efforts from him? (maybe as an effort to punish him?)
Do you feel he may have caused too much damage for intimacy to recover from?

SMG, what does your gut say and are you honest with listening to it?

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8691580
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 3:19 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

NMFR, very insightful.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8691654
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:12 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Full disclosure: I am divorcing and have no regrets doing so. As well, I might ht be a bit graphic, so read on at your own will.

Right now, I am Dday plus 4 years, and 3 years S. After Dday, I had not found SI yet, and did a bunch of shit wrong. I did read everything I could get my hands on though, so I knew what hysterical bonding was, and I also knew it was temporary. That being said, having sex with my WW was like having sex with a maggoty corpse. It disgusted me. Even her smell nauseated me, so I pretended she was someone else, anyone other than my WW. I had to work incredibly hard just to reach the finish line, and ended up with the cardio of a national level athlete. Sadly, I think she mistook this for me being into it..

After I filed and we S, I met a woman who introduced me to real intimacy for the first time in my life. Imagine being in your 50's and never having experienced real connection before. My STBXWW was always either performing or in it for her, but never really present in any meaningful way. Real human connection just wasn't her thing. I had no idea what I was missing.

Sadly, the relationship did not last, but what it did do was give me a bare ass minimum as to what I want in life. I may be alone with no real prospect of having a relationship, but I will not settle for something substandard just because I don't want to be alone. Hell, I was alone for 27 years in my marriage. The fear doesn't paralyze me anymore.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1132   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8691655
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:25 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I'm guessing here - for a pair of people to want to have coitus - they have to like SOMETHING in the other - physical more than mental to start - BUT~
after getting more familiar with each other - things other than the physical tend to take on more importance in the attraction.

Then - some physical pieces can be an instant turn off - like bad breadh/body odor/flatulence and really selfish and/or brutish behavior.

So - what is/are the parts of your relationship that "turn you off" - and by turn you off - I am asking even about things that you cannot remember 'before the deed" he committed took place. Making any sense?

For some - infidelity is a "bridge to far" and maybe you have not yet addressed that possibility?

For some - sex is initially "OK" but after some time the brain starts interfering with things like conventional morality (if there now is such a thing) and this comes to mind:

Benjamin Braddock: Mrs. Robinson, I can't do this anymore.
Mrs. Robinson: You what?
Benjamin Braddock: This is all terribly wrong.
Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?
Benjamin Braddock: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I mean that.


Benjamin Braddock: Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn't mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.
Mr. Braddock: Shaking hands? Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?

For some - even knowing about their paramours past - even the immediate past - is not enough to silence the mental/physical attraction.


Elaine Robinson: Good night.
Benjamin Braddock: Are we getting married tomorrow?
Elaine Robinson: No...
Benjamin Braddock: Day after tomorrow?
Elaine Robinson: I don't know. Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.


NotMyFirstRodeo and Justsomeguy are sort of beating around the same bush I think


Four children? - I say "staying for the kids" is never a good reason to stay together. Kids will remember loving care when they are older and won't remember
the Nerf Gun they got for their birthday. They won't remember a lot of times dinner was chicken soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.

Not Just Friends

posts: 567   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8691676
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:38 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

My STBXWW was always either performing or in it for her, but never really present in any meaningful way. Real human connection just wasn't her thing. I had no idea what I was missing.

Wow can I relate to this. My X was the same way. I just had real human connection with someone and blew me away! I have never felt intimacy like that before. So I know what I have been missing now sad I'm 48 same thing never had real intimacy.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8080   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8691730
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

SMG1986 after False R my xWS became abhorrent to me. I felt like I had to grit my teeth while having sex. In the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" Disgust is one of the main effects from infidelity.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8080   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8691733
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:06 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

When did your H stop using? IMO, R doesn't start until the WS stops cheating AND stops using, and it looks like that was less than 5 years ago. If it was 2 years ago, my bet is that you're going through a fairly normal progression.

I read that your body isn't fully committed to R, although your head might be. The next step is to get your head, heart, and gut aligned on the same solution. What do you want? Maybe your gut is telling you to change something - ether your gut or your head.

I think people have the ability to at least partially control desire. Once W2b and I committed to each other, I found myself focusing my desire on her consciously in order to avoid desiring any other attractive woman who came into view. Another woman can get my hormones flowing, but my W is the only sex partner I allow myself, either in fantasy or in real life, and that's a result of conscious choice.

So I think you can recreate desire for your H. But is that what you think is best for you? Is that what you really want? If it's not, my reco is not to force yourself.

If you're fantasizing about others, my reco is to figure out what that means. If it means you don't want to rebuild with your WS, it's probably best to call it quits as soon as you can.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:00 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691738
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 SMG1986 (original poster member #57950) posted at 6:19 AM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Thank you all for your replies… every single one was helpful in some way. Disgust has consumed me in general- I don’t even want to be grazed by him most of the time.

I can’t have sex with him unless he’s "taken care" of me first… I don’t know if that’s because I need that purely focused on my pleasure and not his at all… or if it’s because it’s (supposedly) the only thing he didn’t do to APs… but if it doesn’t happen, forget about it..

I constantly fantasize about happiness with someone else… intimacy with someone else. Like another poster shared, I’ve had to go there during sex and that is an awful feeling in itself.

Quite honestly, if I wasn’t terrified about how my kids would fair with us split.. I would be gone. I know they deserve to see their mom happy, but I can’t even fathom not being with them every day.

And YES. The fact that he is past it and I am still here is infuriating…. I am not sure what hang up I still have… or if yes, it may just be too much to get past…

Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
Us: Together 11 years
DS: 14, DS: 10, DS: 8, DD: 4

D-days:
4/2016 & 2/14/2017 with TT until 5/2017

posts: 115   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2017
id 8692901
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cheatingisabuse ( new member #75651) posted at 7:34 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I might be wrong, but I suspect a good husband wouldn't be past it ever, or at least not until you are. Also, if you really feel this way about him why don't you file? Staying together for the kids is pretty much disproven at this point. It's better FOR THEM if you're separate but happy, than unhappy but together. Anyway, i get that's easy for me to say all this, not knowing you and the particulars of this marriage, but I want you to be happy and that doesn't seem to be a priority for you.

At the very least, please reread your own posts as if they were written by someone else and think about how you would counsel that woman. She deserves more.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8692979
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

This may sound funny, especially on a site like this, but I've learned to listen to the vajayjay when she objects to something. You can't give her everything she wants but when she doesn't want something, hear her out. If I feel unsafe with a person, she doesn't work. I don't care if I love that person or I've just met that person. If I'm feeling unsafe, she's broken. I don't know if you can convince her to want your husband again or even if you should, but the fact that you don't is telling you something about what's going on in your mind. It's almost certainly not your drive waning. Lots of women think that's happening until they leave relationships that aren't working and discover that all works just fine with the next person. I tend to think of that bodypart as the canary in the coalmine. She has not yet steered me wrong.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4632   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8693019
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:40 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I constantly fantasize about happiness with someone else… intimacy with someone else.

Hmm. I wonder what would happen if you stopped allowing yourself to do this. I wonder if this is a big part of the problem. If your brain really is constantly living in a fantasy land, it's understandable that intimacy with your errant H is repellant.

I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy stuff, and one of the big things that they teach is that our brains react to thoughts as reality and that if you change your thoughts, you can change your behavior. If your brain is constantly occupied with magical thinking about a mystery Mr Wonderful, there's no way that your H will ever measure up.

Hmm. I'm interested to hear others' feedback about that theory.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 10:42 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693031
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