Me: BW, 36, Him: WH, 34 Us: Together 12 years, DS: 16, DS: 11, DS: 9, DD: 6
D-days:4/2016 & 2/14/2017 with TT until 5/2017
MH: 11/2021- present
Mourning loss of affair partner
My husband had multiple affairs the first 7 years of our marriage- all exposed in 2017. Since then we worked hard on reconciling- IC, MC, church etc etc. He also has history of substance abuse issues and about a year a go I discovered he was closet drinking. About this same time an ex of mine reached out on social media starting a year-long emotional/non-contact but very sexual, long distance affair.
Husbands closet drinking put me over the edge and all the dishonesty from the past resurfaced and quite frankly I just didn’t care anymore. I did ask him to move out and we remain separated- and much of this long distance EA has been during our time of separation.
Recently my AP decided on no-contact and I am an absolute wreck. I think a lot of it has to do with my feelings of rejection in my marriage, and now with this man… and I am just so damn sad and lonely.
I am exhausted with counseling- although I’m sure I need to revisit. Just wondering if anyone has any advice re mourning the loss of their AP.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
Should I tell?
Hello… it’s been years since I’ve been on here and last I was, I was a BW trying to reconcile with my WH after his multiple affairs.
Fast forward 5 years and I have now been the unfaithful one. I was never able to truly get past his cheating. It made sex a chore and some sort of resentment had been buried deep. I think I could have gotten past it but he has other issues with addiction and lying and each time I would catch him in a lie about drinking, it would trigger me in terms of his prior unfaithfulness.
Last year he relapsed while we were on a family trip and it just so happened that same week an ex of mine reached out on social media. He lives across the country but we’ve been talking ever since. We have not physically reconnected but almost nightly conversations.. he’s bought me many things (including sex toys) and we plan to see each other first of the year.
I feel like I have spiraled. I asked my husband to move out in November so he could work on his sobriety and I could work on finding myself again. I genuinely thought I just had no interest in sex anymore but reconnecting with this ex has proven that to be clearly wrong and I’ve almost become hyper sexual? Constantly sending him nude pictures videos and loving his attention but I still feel just off. I feel erratic and reckless.
Last month my husband and I had a particularly crazy blow out and I ended up hooking up with a girlfriend and her boyfriend. All oral, no intercourse.. and honestly I didn’t feel badly in regards to my husband at all- but feel like I’ve betrayed my affair partner.
How insane is this? What is wrong with me? I’ve fallen into this crazy pit of needing to be validated and have been talking with several men from my past just to get the attention I guess? And now part of me feels like I just need to fess up as my husband constantly accuses me of cheating, but part of me feels like telling is just my selfishness of wanting my conscience free. I know it will absolutely devastate our family.
I was discreet when I found out about his affairs, our 4 kids have no Idea to this day. He would not handle it this way. He has even verbalized just his suspicion in front of our kids. It would be so ugly.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish here… I just felt like I needed to get it out. Thanks if you’ve made it this far….
4 comments posted: Monday, December 12th, 2022