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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 7:50 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

So brave, truly, so brave to not let emotions go when you told him and hung up.

(((hug)))

I'm very sorry I mentioned the OW now, always hopeful in humanity and all that so was clinging to small hope she didn't know about you or the marriage.

I didn't mention it before but even if he is a banker the fact he has his own account/cards doesn't mean much if you're protected by the law, so don't concern yourself with that just yet.

Getting money aside is good advice, don't go draining accounts in case it's not legally allowed but moving aside enough for essentials to live, lawyer fees etc is a good thing until you seek legal and know exactly what you can do.

You might find he has shot himself in the foot here, if he has planned on leaving you and made this trip a good lawyer can argue abandonment of ownership (if it's a part of your divorce law) and you could claim ownership on the property, car etc. This is why legal advice is valuable, it helps guide you in what to do next (a checklist if you will) while you're trying to catch some air but also clearly tells you your entitlements, no hidden surprises.

Unsure if you will find this helpful but some advice my doctor gave me about helping my body through the impact of shock in that first fortnight was to buy some meal replacement shakes (as they're a multi-vitamin plus a meal and takes no effort or energy to make/drink) and every time I feed my child I should make a shake for myself, have a glass of water before the shake then have the shake, that way I wasn't skipping minerals and vitamins my body needed to process the stress it was experiencing (and not skipping water, your body needs lots of hydration to help it process shock as it does physical changes like it dilates your veins, something like that, I forget sorry.) It was bare minimal but skipping meals and water is easy to do when in shock, so easy, and this took the effort out of that.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 2:11 AM, May 15th (Saturday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8659718
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:37 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

What happens to men when they move to Singapore or Hong Kong? This behavior is all over the internet.

You need to take your son and go home. Go back to what you know. Go back to people who can help.

First get a financial lawyer.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2998   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659724
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I just wanted to say good job on confronting him. At least he might not enjoy his "vacation" as much because he will wondering what you "know", what you are doing about it, and who you are telling.

You don't know for sure that he want's to end your marriage over this woman. Confronting him is also giving him a chance to snap out of it, come home and try to fix it. Not saying you should take him back but at least it's giving him a chance to do something.

I am concerned about him doing something with your money. You said he is a banker. He could mess with things and you would be afraid to report him because he could lose his job.

Please speak with a lawyer while he is away. Knowledge is power. You need to know where you stand if this does lead to divorce. You need to know what you can do with the funds right now so you don't end up trapped.

Going to a lawyer doesnt' mean you are headed for a divorce. It will make you feel more in control knowing what the worst case senerio is and how to protect yourself.

You did good with you phone call. You don't need to answer anymore of his calls. He knows you know. He can either rush home and try to fix this or not.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659731
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Double post... and then some. Sorry

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:37 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659734
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Very Embarrassed this posted so many times.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:38 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659735
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I seriously don't know what happened with all of these double posts.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:36 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659733
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

not sure what happend.. double post

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:33 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659732
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

double post sorry.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:33 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659736
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:34 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

See an attorney. Immediately.

Can you return home (leave Singapore) and stay with family or friends? Then get yourself situated for whatever Happens down the road.

I live in NY. Nearby where he is. Anything I can do to help?

If you want to private message me the address I can tell you where he is (apartment or hotel etc).

Prepare yourself financially. Huge step but critical.

Get yourself legal advice. If he’s considered as abandoning you and your son you could be free to leave him. The fact you confronted him and he’s not on the next flight is not a good sign. He thinks he has complete control of this situation.

Like ChamomileTea I had a similar situation. I had two Ddays as my H continued to cheat. He thought I was stupid and desperate. When I announced I was D him and he had to leave our home - he was blindsided. In 6 months I saved enough $ to last the next 12 months if he never gave me another penny.

Sadly I had to be the strong person and tell him I was D him. I wasn’t going to spend one more minute living with a liar and cheater. He completely underestimated me.

And he’s not made that mistake ever again.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:41 AM, May 15th (Saturday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8659748
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Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 10:30 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Hugs to you .You did something very courageous.You called him out and he didn't see it coming. I agree now is the time to move with speed and contact an attorney and move things around as much as possible if need be before he beats you to it.Not that it's a contest however you need to look out for you and your child now.Apparently something he has taken for granted.We are wishing for the best for you right now and will hope it goes as we as possible for you.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8659857
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:33 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Kudos to you for your courage!

If your husband hasn't hopped on the next plane home, his actions are speaking volumes.

You need to be one step ahead of him, attorney consult, finances, and anything else you can do to ensure your future with or without him.

Find the tallest pair of beatch boots and strap them on tight. You show him that under no circumstances will you continue to tolerate his betrayal or put up with any nonsense he is going to throw at you because guaranteed he will lie and deny and try to manipulate you. Stand strong! You've got this!

posts: 11290   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8659866
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 6:19 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Thank you so much for the support and advice.

I did transfer money from our joint account into my account but put it right back because it was bothering me.

I am looking at getting some advise from a lawyer and discuss way forward.

So much to start looking at.

This is without doubt the lowest point in my life.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659911
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 6:23 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

P.S. I can’t PM yet.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659912
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Countingsheep65 ( member #56000) posted at 6:48 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Chin up Gshale....

Did you feel like you were doing something wrong by transferring the money?

Just think of the money he has already spent on his little hoe bag....fuck him, you go back to that bank on Monday and take half that money!

Please get copies of everything you can think of regarding finances...everything, then let your sister hold onto them.

Keep that head up and focused on what you need to do.

posts: 434   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8659914
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 6:54 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Yes I did.

Also it occured to me once he finds out that it’s been drawn, he’ll start working on the other accounts I do not have access to.

[This message edited by GShale at 12:57 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659915
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 7:05 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

If he is planning an exit and he is a banker, chances are he already moved money from other accounts that you know of but don't have access to. Think about it, a GF in NY city with a child will likely not be able to move so he Will need lots of $$ to pay for flights, hotels etc...

Take the money from your joint account again. If your lawyer advises you to put it back due to legal issues, then put the money back.

The last thing you want right now is to be dependent on him financially.

posts: 70   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8659918
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 11:29 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

You never mentioned his citizenship. He won't be able to live in NY full time if not a citizen so Walkthestorm makes a point here, last thing you want is for him to squirrel even more money for this single mother (you mentioned she is a bit of a puppet master, could well be she found a fool in your WH and a cozy lifestyle on his dime was the plan all along) so stop that as much as you can. He doesn't get to have it easy anymore. He doesn't get to have it his way anymore.

It's so hard to do this but you need to act like he is dead right now, ask yourself what do you need to do today to protect yourself and your child so you can continue to live with a roof over your heads tomorrow.

Take some money out to protect it for your child if nothing else, your lawyer will tell you if it was the right move, if not you can put it back, it's only if you spend it that it's a legal problem, moving it to protect it out of fear your banker WH will take it all and run is a viable reason. Just keep the transaction receipt to show how much you moved and any receipts if you spend any large sums.

Have you read articles over on the healing library yet? Articles like :

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/calling-all-bss/

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/tactical-primer.asp

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries-and-consequences.asp

are very good places to start.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8659929
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:28 PM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

I think you need to transfer that $$ back into your account.

The person you are dealing with is NOT the person you thought he was.

You need to protect you and your child financially. If there are accounts you do not have access to, a good attorney will be able assist you.

The worst thing that could happen aside from this nightmare he put you in is he gets home and you are financially dependent on him and stuck with no where to go for lack of money.

Don't allow fear to drive you, compose yourself as best as you can and think with prudence.

posts: 11290   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8659934
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 4:22 PM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

The1stWife how can I get a message to you. I am unable to PM yet

[This message edited by GShale at 10:45 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659970
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Ifnotnow ( new member #77201) posted at 8:21 PM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

I was in a similar situation; won't go into detail here. My son was one at the time. A friend and therapist helped me a lot with the following advice: Split youself in two - the hurting, damaged, frightful, insecure, traumatized self and the mother lioness.

It can be done, trust me, even amidst all of this pain - we are cognitively made for that kind of emotional split.

The time will come to mourn, cry, shout, R or D.

But now is the ONLY!!! right moment to protect you and your child from the madness that has engulfed your husband and makes him obviously UNFIT TO CARE FOR BOTH OF YOU. No matter if he is the provider, a banker or generally the leader in your household. He has forfeited his privilige to co-lead the pack.

YOU ARE THE LEADER NOW.

Your child deserves and needs one parent who choose the safest, most intelligent and emotionally stable path forward.

You husband has given up his morals, not bis cunning. Most likely, he will be very quick in putting you in a situation of dependency, which would be his best vantage point to either resume the marriage or get out of it.

You have to act fast, clever and above all WITHOUT SCRUPLE - HE HAS NONE EITHER.

1. Get the money out ASAP, as in first thing tomorrow, enough for a flight home, a lawyer and three months worth of living expenses - if not simply half.

2. Get that lawyer asap.

3. Go home to where your support group is. Think about taking with you whatever is necessary and valueable.

4.Do not inform him of these steps- but also make sure it cannot be interpreted as "child abduction".

5.Do not speak badly about him to your son. Simply tell him that his father is under emotional stress (depending on how old he is) and needs some time out. They will have to figure out their relationship when time comes and you have figured out yours; until then it suffices to have one traumatized family member. You cannot undo the pychological damage done to a child; give yourself time to develop a narrative for him.

Only ONCE you have secured your finances, your legal standing, your living situation, a supporting peer group and a stable backdrop for your child can you start unraveling the damage to your soul and relationship.

You owe that to yourself and your son.

FIGHT!!

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021
id 8660011
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