Newest Member: UnsureAgain

Just Found Out :
Broken and lost

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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 9:14 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

My husband of 18 years, the father of my child, my best friend is now half way across the world in a hotel room with someone he met on Twitter.

He told us he was feeling stressed and needed to travel (we travelled a bit pre-Covid). Said he felt like he was falling into depression. As much as I did not want him to go, I felt if that is what he needed to do to help himself then I needed to help him do that. I should have followed my gut telling me something was off. I brushed it off thinking I was over reacting.

Whilst he was on the flight to NY, I found out that he’s been having raunchy communication with a woman he met on twitter. The moment I saw the chat, how he was putting me down, how he professed his love for her, the talk about sex, the secret calls in the car after dropping our son off at school - my world fell apart.

He will be in NY for a week then when he returns he would need to go into quarantine till the end of the month. So we will not be seeing him for a month and I need to hold off confronting him till he is back home.

I do not know what to do.

I am completely broken and am praying for strength. I try to carry on with life but I am tearing up every time. Not eaten in two days, hardly slept.

The only positive of this is our gorgeous boy and the support he is giving me.His hugs and kisses make things a little better if only for that moment.

[This message edited by GShale at 1:01 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by GShale at 7:01 AM, Sunday, May 16th]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659128
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:40 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

While he is gone perhaps you should do the following:

1. Get solid proof /evidence of the affair and keep it in a safe place. Print out any info you can get or save it in a thumb drive.

2. Get yourself a good counselor just for you.

3. See an attorney to find out what you need to do in case you end up D. It’s good to be prepared - and not be blindsided by it.

4. Figure out what you need for him to do to reconcile. It’s not just ending the affair but it’s more important to know he will have no contact in the future, you have access to his phone or devices, he will get counseling, etc. and he sill be completely honest and forthcoming. If you need to ask questions about the affair he will be willing to help you and answer any questions.

5. He will not blame you for the affair or say things like “I cheated because you didn’t love me or you didn’t support me”. He cheated because he made the decision to cheat. Period.

Keep posting here - you will get great advice.

So sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8659133
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:46 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Just tell him not to come home. This was a thought out shitty thing to do to you and your child. He is not worth spit.

Sorry about that outburst. I am so angry on your behalf.

Are you hoping to preserve your marriage? Don’t let him touch you until he has a checkup became he might be contagious.

See an attorney asap.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:11 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2955   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659134
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:47 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:09 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2955   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659136
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 10:20 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

I appreciate the replies.

Am in the process of finding a counsellor because I am losing myself keeping this in.

He actually booked this trip to NY way earlier and was suppose to fly there a few weeks ago. Comes into my study 5 hrs before his flight leaves to tell me he had a flight booked that evening. Went on about needing to just fly and stay somewhere to recoup.

I said no. He cannot just pack up and fly off. Told him we needed to discuss decisions made that affected the family. He cancelled that booking. He talked about feeling like he was falling into depression and how he needed to travel and NY was the longest flight and flight to NY was not affected by restrictions etc etc. Recommend he just booked a week at a hotel here for his time out but it had to be NY.

Then we went on to discuss when he could do this. To think I helped him buy supplies for his trip, recommended which luggage to take etc. Just to show support.

[This message edited by GShale at 4:23 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659146
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hardtomove ( member #68757) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Find the money keep the money separate the money. Put your house in order. Find a lawyer. Learn about your options. Keep it together and make a plan. You can do it.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018
id 8659156
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

..he's a liar, a cheater and a manipulator.

..you've found a great place to get great advice.

..READ< READ <READ...

Sorry you're here.

Consult a lawyer too!

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!
Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 5972   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8659158
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lifestoshort ( member #18442) posted at 11:41 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

omg I would be calling him and throwing his shit on the lawn after. he doesnt need to come home no. what a crappy excuse. Im depressed so I will go bang a girl off twitter while you tend to the house and our child as I lie. NOPE. just no.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 5 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old. she stayed

posts: 1051   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8659173
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

If you consider staying with him, demand a polygraph to determine whether there have been past liaisons with other women. This is a horrible, calculated betrayal. What a complete ass. Go see a lawyer and file. You can stop the process later if R is possible, but I would hit him in the face with a divorce petition on his arrival back home.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8659180
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

If you consider staying with him, demand a polygraph to determine whether there have been past liaisons with other women. This is a horrible, calculated betrayal. What a complete ass. Go see a lawyer and file. You can stop the process later if R is possible, but I would hit him in the face with a divorce petition on his arrival back home. That will give him something to be really depressed about.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8659181
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wiser55 ( new member #78720) posted at 12:17 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Sorry for the reason you are here. There is a lot of great advise and support here.

If I could give advice to my old self who thought it was a one time thing, I would say. Girl, you are smart and strong. This man does not define you. You can make it out there as a single mom.

Hugs

posts: 21   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2021
id 8659186
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 1:14 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

It may sound counterintuitive, but the last thing you want is to be reasonable or understanding right now. He needs to fully understand how much he has to lose with this behavior.

He will be in NY for a week then when he returns he would need to go into quarantine till the end of the month. So we will not be seeing him for a month and I need to hold off confronting him till he is back home.

This, in the quote box above, sounds like he isn't aware that you've found out about the OW. Is that correct? If so, there's one of two ways I'd go about addressing this. If I didn't want him back and I wanted a favorable divorce, I'd hire a PI and get evidence of the adultery to use in court. I'd also line up an attorney and have him served when he got off the plane. OTOH, if I did want a chance to reconcile the marriage, I'd call him on the phone and I'd keep calling and texting until he picked up. Then, I'd tell him that I know where he is and I know who he's with and that if he's not on the next flight out coming home(know when that is), he can just stay there. Don't be nice about it. Don't get bogged down in any discussion. Just put it out there, hang up, and let his imagination do the rest. Remember, that in his imagination, you're changing your Facebook status to "Married to a Disgusting Cheater" and you're ripping up his shirts before throwing them out on the lawn to burn in the car fire you made out of his ride.

You've been married 18 years. You'll be getting half of everything, including any retirement he's put away. He'll be losing the respect of his child, his extended family, friends, and social circle. He's got A LOT to lose. Most of the time, the cheater isn't looking to change his circumstances. He's just looking for MORE, and he doesn't believe he'll be caught. Once he knows he's caught, he'll start doing the math. And don't think that it's just about the stuff. It's not. We are part of that calculation, and many cheaters don't really know how they feel about the spouse they've betrayed until they're actually confronted with the prospective loss of that spouse. IOW, they've filled up their heads with a bunch of bullshit fantasies and they don't know what they don't know until the incursion of REALITY.

Anyway, don't be afraid to throw a full-on tantrum. What have you got to lose that's literally not already gone??? Refrain from abuse, of course, but let him have it with both proverbial barrels. Your reaction should command RESPECT. He lied to you. This wasn't about "depression" or "needing to travel". This was about adultery, so you call him out on that.

I had been married over 30 years before I caught my WH on a Craigslist binge which lasted the better part of a year. There were multiple partners and various levels of emotional attachment. On the day I confronted him, I told him I was getting a divorce and that I didn't care to hear any of his excuses or any of any details. I walked away and started doing "The 180" before I even knew what it was. (You can find more information on that in the Healing Library, btw.)

It was probably about a week before he screwed up his courage to approach me and ask for more time, thirty days to prove he could be trusted. I was like, "okay, it's been thirty years, I can wait thirty days". Sure enough though, I busted him in contact with one of the OWs. At that point it was a very stark choice. He could be "all in" or "all out", and not later, but right now. I gave him about thirty seconds to decide before I decided for him. He chose to ghost the OW and that was over six years ago. We're still together and mostly content, although I'd be lying if I said I still love him the way I once did. But that's a story for another day, right? For the moment, I think it would be a really GOOD thing for you to impress upon your WH that you are NOT an "option". At the moment, having his respect has a good deal more utility than having his dubious "love", right?

Remember that no matter how this situation plays out, you're going to be okay. It doesn't feel that way, I know. But we're all living proof that it gets better.

((hugs))

posts: 4599   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659197
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

He probably told you he was falling into a depression because he was desperately looking for a way to justify what he had already decided to do. He does not want to be the bad guy in his own narrative, so he needs to be the victim. Be prepared to be the villain on Dday. There is some good news here I guess. You have a month to process. You've found literally the best support group on the internet. It has been built from the collective wisdom and experience of tens of thousands of broken hearts. I wish I would have found this place right after my Dday.

Here is the deal. You are going to go through a shitstorm. It sucks, and there is no avoiding it. But you won't be alone. We are here. And we will walk with you. You will probably think your situation is special, most of us did. It's probably not. Infact, 90% of us could probably write a script of what your WH (wayward husband) will say when you confront. It would be comical if it weren't do painful. The big ones are: it didnt mean anything, it was just sex, let me explain, it's not what you think, I was weak, it just happened etc. You get the point. It's all bullshit. It takes awhile to see that, but when you do, you cant unsee it.

There are fine people here who will give you advice and suggest resources. Listen to them. Get somebody to talk to, preferably someone who understands infidelity and does not just tell you to get over it. You need someone IRL to support you. Eat, rest, avoid alcohol (I'm not good at that one) get IC, talk to your doctor, get angry, get selfish, read, look after yourself. What happened to you is not fair, but remember, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! We got your back.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1118   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8659200
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 2:16 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Thank you so much for all your words and support. I am just sitting here tearing up just reading them. I do appreciate the support. I just told my sis and a dear friend, who has just finalised her divorce because her husband of 35 years has been cheating on her. They are coming over in a bit.

I think I found out who he is having an affair with. Did a bit of digging.

Sad part is yesterday our son called him to ask him why he’s not called us. Line got cut off - he texts me to say

“I told you why I’m doing this. You agreed for me doing this. Don’t upset *son about this or put him in the middle.”

Our son just wanted to talk with him - he then tried to facecall him and it went unanswered.

No he does not know I know.

I did ask him a few times in the past month if he was having an affair because he was acting different. His reply “I would never cheat on you.” ... and I believed him. Stupid stupid me.

[This message edited by GShale at 8:17 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659216
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 2:42 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

What's stopping you from grabbing your sister and just showing up there? or having him served at the airport when he gets back? or just calling him a goddam LIAR on the phone?

I know it's shocking when you realize that someone you've known for half your life can lie to you and betray you like that. Believe me, I totally get it. But nothing good can come from being soft right now. ANY hesitation on your part will be perceived as WEAKNESS. How are you going to explain when he gets back that you knew he was in NY state fucking some OW and that you didn't bother to intervene? At best, it'll sound like you were too afraid to act, and at worst, like you were too jaded to care. Not to mention allowing him to create a week's worth of triggers that you'll have to overcome at some point. So, what's keeping your from taking action?

posts: 4599   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659224
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:00 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I think I found out who he is having an affair with. Did a bit of digging.

Is she married? Does she have a boyfriend? Once you're sure it's her, find her husband or SO and inform him. You'd be surprised how often the other married cheater scrambles home to save their own relationship.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:16 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 4599   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659228
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 3:12 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

From what I’ve gathered, she is divorced with a young child.

He is on the other side of the world. So I cannot just show up.

I do not want to let on I know now. I will have to wait till he gets home.

[This message edited by GShale at 9:32 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659233
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:18 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I do not want to let on I know now. I will have to wait till he gets home.

I'm curious as to your thought process on that. Are you up to sharing why you want to wait?

posts: 4599   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659235
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 3:26 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I want him home first. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I know.

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659236
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 3:30 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I do not want to act now because I am upset and angry. I need time to process all this and gather as much information as I can.

[This message edited by GShale at 9:33 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659237
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