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Newest Member: Papi

Divorce/Separation :
I am divorced!

Topic is Sleeping.
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:00 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

The problem is that I have no way to win this.. .it's like nuclear war... the only way to win that game is to not play. At this point, a "win" is to lose the least.

It certainly feels that way. Life is so darn complicated sad I too have chosen not to play. Anytime I do it tends to feel like a set-up on his part in making me look like a bad parent.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
Was Married 19 yrs
DD(19) DS(16)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl
Legally Separated 3 years, Divorcing

posts: 8299   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8728521
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 3:08 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

A pretty significant update, I think.

Good news: My daughter got really sick last week... in fact, her appendix ruptured and she spent two nights in the hospital.

I think that she got scared enough that she started talking to me. She even let me visit her in the hospital for a couple of hours.

Here's to hoping that she doesn't get mysteriously angry at me again.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8729151
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

Barcher, Hope she’s on the mend and glad she reached out to you.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4893   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8729153
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:36 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

Congrats on the renewed contact. I hope she sustains it. There's nothing like a brush with death to clear your perspective. In the end you're the safe parent who she doesn't spend as much time with. That automatically gives you the short straw. Can you imagine the result if she takes out her anger and frustration on the ex?

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8729175
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

In the end you're the safe parent who she doesn't spend as much time with.

This was one of my "ah-ha" moments in the last week or two.

My kids are angry and yelling at me all the time because they're pissed and frustrated... but I am not the one who retaliates against them. Alienated kids yell at the targeted parent because they feel SAFE in doing that. If they were scared of me, like my xWW claims, then they would not yell at me because they'd be afraid to trigger me.

My mother is a raging narcissist. I definitely don't yell at her... in fact, I rarely speak to her these days.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8729203
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 8:54 AM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

Sometimes I think my kids wanted to scream "This is so f****d up"-especially after spending weekends with their Dad and OW- Instead they took out their frustrations on me.

It’s better now, and I provide a safe quiet place to escape. I think your kids will gravitate towards you the older they get.

It’s awesome your daughter wanted you there.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:18 AM, Saturday, April 16th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5427   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8729844
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 10:16 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

I think that my divorce saga is finally over. We had mediation today and we reached a settlement. FINALLY.

Ironically, I think that our negotiated deal is actually better than what I had offered her (informally) a month ago. A month ago, I offered her $1000 to basically remove alimony ($425 per month). Today, I am paying her $1700 to remove alimony but we also re-negotiated child support so I am paying ~$150 per month less in child support too. Both offers included a waiver that prevents her from ever going back to court and asking for more alimony (no matter the reason).

So, an extra $700 to pay less child support? Score!

I am very surprised that we were able to reach an agreement. Their first "offer" was for $15,000... so they came down a lot. I had literally talked to my attorney about skipping mediation altogether because why pay her for 3 hours of time (~$1000) when the chances of reaching a settlement was miniscule.

I don't know if I am happy but I am definitely relieved that this is over.

p.s. There was a whole lot of projecting going on. Basically, they acted like I have spent the last three years making promises and breaking them (i.e., what they have been doing).

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8735918
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 10:22 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

That makes me so happy to read you finally get some good news.

I wonder what changed to make her settle. Actually who cares. She did and now you can move forward.

I'm so happy for you!!!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24545   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735919
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:15 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

I think that my divorce saga is finally over. We had mediation today and we reached a settlement. FINALLY.

Congrats Barcher. Sounds like they realized they were screwed on this issue (BF moving in and that impact on her household budget correct?) and it was in their best interest to settle.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8735995
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

Sounds like they realized they were screwed on this issue (BF moving in and that impact on her household budget correct?) and it was in their best interest to settle.

Pretty much. The mediator flat-out said that I had a great case and that I absolutely should win... but you never know with judges and they could always rule in ways that you don't expect. Towards the end, she said that I had a 2% chance of losing, with the caveat that she would have said the same thing about my appeal... which I also lost. The mediator literally suggested that there was a black cloud over my head (as a joke).

I also got lucky because xWW is not very knowledgeable about the law and she did not communicate with her lawyer very well. It used to be the law in my state that living with a romantic partner was not a disqualifying factor for eliminating alimony, but this changed about 4 or 5 years ago. During my marriage, xWW would repeatedly catch wind of some crazy "law" and think that it was actually a law without checking (I like to fish. She would regularly inform me about fishing laws from the late 1970s -- which is super weird because she doesn't fish and she was born in 1976). So, I am sure that she moved in with her boyfriend, incorrectly thinking that she was safe from legal action.

It also helped that she had received a HUGE raise earlier this year, which basically eliminated her need for alimony too. I think her actual salary is now double what she claimed it was at trial (it's not literally double because she lied about her income at trial).

And, the other factor, was that her lies in court were catching up to her. There were probably 10 instances of "he said vs. she said" at trial and the judge sided with me on 9 of them. Along those lines, she testified in court that there was no way that she could manage to work full time, which she started doing the day the judge issued his ruling. It also didn't help her that we had evidence (not rock-solid but convincing) that she was looking to buy a house with her boyfriend prior to trial. She then testified at trial that she was concerned that she couldn't afford the marital home on her own.

I am also realizing how lucky that I am that her attorney got fixated on a super minor issue (forcing me pay the sanctions from the appeal -- I was already paying this) rather than the important stuff like alimony and child support. My attorney snuck in a change to child support at the last moment and somehow her attorney forgot to fight for that with her usually vigor and crazy.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 4:05 PM, Thursday, May 19th]

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8736004
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

I truly hope this is the end, barcher. What a journey! It has been difficult to see all the ups & downs, especially because it was a lot of downs.

So happy things are over & things went your way!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8736010
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

Onward and upward! Glad that is over and you can shut the door on all that mess.
Enjoy the peace!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4893   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8736017
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 10:18 PM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

I’m so happy you are finished paying alimony and that the chaos is over!!!!!!!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5427   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8736058
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:00 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

I truly hope this is the end, barcher. What a journey! It has been difficult to see all the ups & downs, especially because it was a lot of downs.

So happy things are over & things went your way!

Onward and upward! Glad that is over and you can shut the door on all that mess.
Enjoy the peace!

I’m so happy you are finished paying alimony and that the chaos is over!!!!!!!

Thank you!!

I just had a thought... and that I am finally DONE with this site. No, that doesn't mean that I will no longer be around (this isn't goodbye), but I now feel like I am fully out of infidelity, which of course is the goal of this website.

And so thank you, everyone, past and present, who have helped me, challenged me, and who have been annoyed by me since August 31, 2016, the day that I joined this site. And thank you, complete stranger from another online discussion forum, who recommended this site to me in the first place.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8736257
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Gixxer1998 ( new member #77284) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

I'm so happy for you! It really is a crazy feeling being free! Now go enjoy your life.

And if it's ok I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word
I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle
You opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

posts: 30   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8736696
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 11:46 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

Very late to the game here. (Needed to step away for a bit. I'll update in my own thread when ready.)

Barcher, your last update literally brought to tears to my eyes, and I felt my heart swell with joy. I'm so very happy that you've reached the end of this craptastic journey. And a couple of things finally went in your favor!! A couple of pretty important things! I hope you will stick around, poke your head in every now and then. Give advice to those of us still struggling, and just update us on your amazing life in general. Much love to you and GF. :)

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4405   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8739442
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:39 PM on Friday, June 10th, 2022

Congrats Barcher.
Just now seeing this. Must feel pretty good to have some resolution, and get something more equitable.

Glad you kept pushing.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19439   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8739539
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Just thinking of you today! grin

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24545   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8740165
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:55 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Very late to the game here. (Needed to step away for a bit. I'll update in my own thread when ready.)

No worries. I figured as much...

I am glad that you are back, at least for one message.

Barcher, your last update literally brought to tears to my eyes, and I felt my heart swell with joy. I'm so very happy that you've reached the end of this craptastic journey. And a couple of things finally went in your favor!! A couple of pretty important things! I hope you will stick around, poke your head in every now and then. Give advice to those of us still struggling, and just update us on your amazing life in general. Much love to you and GF. :)

Thank you!!!

I still plan on being around, at least a little bit here and there. I have, more or less, used the last five years to assess who I am versus who I want to be. I wasn't all that bad before (no matter what ex-WW says) but I could be better... and I am a lot better... but I still have a ways to go.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8740196
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Just now seeing this. Must feel pretty good to have some resolution, and get something more equitable.

Thank you!

I am noticeably happier and "lighter" according to my girlfriend. So, yes, the resolution of this mess has been great.

The financial side hasn't started yet. It was supposed to have started in June but the same amount is still being withdrawn from my paycheck.... so that'll be helpful when that time comes too.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5297   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8740197
Topic is Sleeping.
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