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Dignitas ( member #75678) posted at 6:30 AM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

This man she's with, was charged with so many felonies it is disgusting. Officer as. B and E, Child abuse, 5 domestic as, robbery, giving minors alch, obstruction, felony weapons, phone hacking, ect ect the list goes on for miles...

Absolutely blows my mind the level some cheaters sink to. Like... she'd have to sneak into a maximum-security prison to find a worse guy. I am so happy for you and your kids that things worked out. Frankly, it's a blessing that your wife was such a mess in court.

My sympathy for her as an abuse victim ceased at the point she exposed your children to that evil human being, and then WENT TO COURT TO TRY TO PRESERVE HER ABILITY TO EXPOSE THEM TO HIM.

Feel free to not answer this if you don't feel like it, but was she always this stupid? This is all truly bottom barrel IQ behavior. Is this person educated? Could she be somehow suffering from a degenerative cognitive problem or a TBI? How does a seemingly normal woman sink so low? I'm just completely flabbergasted by this whole series of events.

Edit: I guess it could be the PMDD / potentially untreated bipolar... but this is just beyond the pale

[This message edited by Dignitas at 12:31 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2020
id 8627498

Waggingthedog ( member #65793) posted at 12:31 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

Dear Subverted,

Again, this is not legal advice. Follow ONLY your own attorney’s advice.

I am so sorry for your situation. You have acted with dignity and honor in this. Continue to do so.

I hate to say congratulations on a court victory like this. First, I hate to say it because these are temporary orders, and you’re probably a long ways off the final orders. Second, I hate to say this because it does not feel like a victory. It’s just sad you’re here and have to do this.

Often times when things like this happen – infidelity and subsequent divorce – people tend to get in proxy fights to have the court system declare them the victor in the breakup. “I won the dining room table so the judge saw that I was the better person.” This is to be expected in normal divorces.

By far, the worst situation, but a very common one, is that people fight over the children to “prove” that the other person is the “bad” person. They want that feeling of winning and the societal approval that comes with a judge seeing the other person as a “bad” parent. It’s a way of winning in society’s eyes that alleviates the guilt for the relationship breakdown.

A lot of the time, this fight over the kids is unwarranted and damaging. Courts are guided by the “best interests of the child” standard. So, if two parents are being jerks to each other and can’t work together for the best interests of the kids, the Court has to choose one parent until the other gets on board with the plan. This is what leads to these protracted fights over child custody (that, and child support and finances).

Your case is different, but not uncommon. Your STBXWW is, from what you say, objectively not well. She is engaging in extremely destructive behavior. This behavior is impacting your children. If what you have said is empirically true, then the situation is beyond dangerous for your kids and their futures.

In these situations, the best interests of your children is served by you being the primary parent until your STBXWW either cleans up, or she gives up. This is on her now. Courts, for the most part, want to see children with a relationship with both parents as that is, normally, what is in their best interests. With the situation you describe, the children’s best interest is to not be exposed to whatever she is doing.

What I said months ago goes doubly true now that a judge has ordered you have full custody on a temporary basis.

1.) DO NOT HAVE ONE-ON-ONE contact with your STBXWW. Have witnesses and recordings if you are in the same area. Do not talk on the phone – talk on email or text or a parental communication ap. Stay as far away from her as you can. As I’ve said before, she is dangerous and now she is desperate.


3.) Get your kids to therapy. You might have it covered under your health plan through work. It might be ordered by the Court already. But, Monday morning, you should be making them a therapy appointment if not sooner. This is important.

4.) Be there for your kids. This includes just being present. Listen to them. Let them talk to you about anything and everything. They have seen the destruction of their family, and had to hear their mom get beaten by a felon. Imagine those scars. I know, you may want to relax or play on your phone or whatever, but you need to be present for your children. Talk more with your kids than your GF.

5.) Get a calendar. Take notes on it of whatever happens during your day with the kids and anything of interest. Start doing this now. Trust me. I know it sounds like homework, but you need to be keeping a chronological thing for your lawyer to use if it comes up in court later.


Here’s my prediction for what happens next. It could go two ways, but I think one way is more likely.

If your STBXWW is using drugs (my guess is yes, and it’s been going on longer than you would think) then she may get into them harder and harder going forward. If she has a substance abuse issue then she is going to go down the rabbit hole for a long time before she gets better. There will be strings of terrible men in her life. She’s seeking something that feels good, because she just lost her kids, her husband, her house and everything. I don’t doubt that she will become a weed dealer or cam girl and go even more off the deep end. This is one of those situations where the destruction she is engaging in will ramp up, not stop, to my mind.

After a period of self destructive time, she may try to get better. This is a long process, but it can also be a fake process. I know a lot of people that went to “rehab” and just continued everything after they walked out. The stats on this is that it takes a few times. If she is surrounded by drug addicts and hard core criminals then my guess is that any attempt at righting her life will be short lived. She could also start living a church lifestyle and become addicted to the redemption she feels there. That would be better, but weird to see.

She may also feel the need to make you the villain in this. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER AT ALL BEYOND CHILD STUFF THAT YOU ARE COURT ORDERED TO DO. False abuse allegations, rape allegations… I’ve seen it. Her need to be the “good one” and blame her life circumstances on you will override everything within her even while she is being self destructive. At least, that’s my guess. That’s why it’s so important to protect yourself. You need to do that to protect your kids.

After this kind of an order she will feel desperate to explain herself to the world – how she’s the victim in this story. It’s laughable but human. She can’t say “I started having sex with a sexual criminal, got into drugs, blew up my family, and then invited another abusive ex-con to beat me in front of my children, and then defended him above my children.” She will feel the intense desire to blame this on someone else, and you’re the most likely someone.

You will still have a shred of caring for her – that will be there for the mother of your kids. No matter what she has done. But DO NOT get drawn into this situation because the overriding thought on her end will be explaining her behavior by blaming it on you. It’s hard to see someone you used to love, someone who you probably still care for, and someone that is very important in your children’s lives do this to themselves. You want to help. But you can’t. She will pull you under with her. Courts need a sane party for the kids and, at the moment, it’s either you or the state foster care system.

I know this is expensive. I know this is a hassle. I know you didn’t sign on to be full time dad, full time worker, and full time boyfriend. Your priorities go in that order. You’re a dad first. You’re a worker second. You’re a boyfriend third. Your kid’s need that right now.

This is a temporary order, not permanent. Your STBXWW may pull some stuff before the final orders are issued. And, this may be a longer process. In the end, you need to follow the court orders first and do what is best for your kids by staying as far away from this train wreck as possible.

Do what the judge says, to a T. Do what your lawyer says, to a T. Do what your kids need, to a T.

This will be an exhausting few years, but, at the end, you will be proud of what you accomplished and proud of yourself as a dad.

Maybe your STBXWW cleans up, and can be a mom again. You should WANT this for your kid’s sake, but it’s on her to get there. Maybe she will get better for the kids. I hope so, but, right now, she is dangerous.

Again, sorry you’re here.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2018
id 8627508

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:55 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

I’m pleased To hear this. I know it will be harder on you but you will never regret being there for your kids. There’s nothing more important.

Great job.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3595   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8627509

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:01 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

Thinking about your financial situation now that you have the kids full time. In December you wrote:

i pay for her house 1200 bucks a month. I pay for her car, 240 bucks a month..i pay for her car insurance 110 bucks a month..i pay for her health insurance, 200 bucks a month..i also pay her child support, 800 bucks a month..and i have 50/50 custody!! What more do i owe her? Am i really being selfish here!?!?!

Has your lawyer said anything about what you can cut out? Really wondering what you are going to do about the house.

I know she stopped paying the electricity bills and the water... and that you want to sell the house but that it's a mess right now...Not sure I'd want to move in even if it's an option because she would probably be showing up all the time...might cause more problems.

Any idea who she is going to line up for visitation?

Agree with the poster that all contact between you two needs to be recorded. I'd also go as much NC with her as the court allows.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8627510

reborn07 ( member #71226) posted at 6:15 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

hey subverted, it’s awesome to see how much progress you’ve made. you have definitely weathered a cat 5 whorricane. i’m proud to hear you got your kids, that is such a huge deal. i know you still have a lot to navigate ahead of you, but one thing you haven’t done in the last several months is not find a way. you’ll keep finding a way because there’s always a way, and you’re a capable guy that gives a shit and handles his business. very proud of where you are my friend... (and everything’s chipper in my world, thanks for askin bro... it has been a busy month or two though. busy with good stuff) ✌🏻

posts: 65   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8627576

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 7:56 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2021

I'm very glad to hear that you and the children are safe. Waggingthedog left you an excellent post. I just want to add one thing... Make sure you inform your children's schools and anyone they spend time with away from you that they are in YOUR sole custody and that their mother is not allowed to pick them up and take them anywhere. It's quite probable that she's on their current consent cards at school, so you'll need to make this change as soon as they go back. Don't just speak to the school secretary either. Speak to the principle so that s/he can make sure that all teachers are aware.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7019   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8627585

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 12:38 AM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

Waggingthedog is brilliant, subverted. Only thing to add is to have a VAR on you at all times. You don't know when she will approach. Be prepared and cognizant. She has threatened, gone off the deep end in court and is desperate.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4716   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8627627

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 3:19 PM on Monday, January 25th, 2021

I'm really glad to hear that the judge was able to see the truth and put the safety of your children first. I know it will be a struggle, but it must also be a relief to be able to keep your kids safe from a predator. Stay strong friend!

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8627859

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, January 26th, 2021

Wondering how you are doing. If you are able to go NC with your EX for the time being and if your girls are adapting.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8628077

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 10:31 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

I am hanging in there.

The judge afforded my WW a supervised visit with the kids for Friday this week. I have not heard 1 word from her since the court date.

Not sure what shes up to, if she cares, how the drug test went. Not really sure if she is planning a visit with the kids or not.

Was thinking of sending her an email asking her if she was going to plan a visitation, but then again I feel like if she wanted to, she would do it then notify me. Does not seem like my area to remind her of her children....

She has spoken a little bit to them via phone and text. That's all I know....

Freind of the court does their FIGC into the matter in mid Feb. Not sure what to expect here...

The way she acted in court, and the fact that the guy is still around.... I just dont know what she is thinking these days.

Hard to believe what she downward spiraled into over the last year.... How far she fell. The woman I knew is no longer there. The worst part is, she probably still think I did this just out of spite. She always called me a nasty person....

Like I said b4. Having the kids full time makes my life wayyyy more harder... I would love for her to straighten out, find some independence, and maybe a real man... and move on... But I just don't see her letting go of this woman beater. And she says hes gone, but time will tell. obviously no one believes her. If hes ever around my kids? Shows over. Not sure how the FotC could argue my point there.

My case was a little different. I dont know how common it is to file for ex parte custody and then get your emergency hearing the very next day... Usually its within 14 days... The judge must have been worried. My opinion. New to this court lingo.

[This message edited by subverted at 4:32 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8628382

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:26 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

now my mother in law (WW mom) wants to have the kids for the weekend

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8628500

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:26 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

Was thinking of sending her an email asking her if she was going to plan a visitation, but then again I feel like if she wanted to, she would do it then notify me. Does not seem like my area to remind her of her children....

I know it would make things easier if you knew one way or the other what was going on for visits and the drug test but I wouldn't reminder her. She's going to need to do a lot of work to get back the kids... calling to set-up a visit should be the easiest.

Did they make changes to the financial arrangements? Wondering if you are still paying for the house and everything else for her (and her boyfriend).

I know it's got to be difficult but am proud of you for stepping up. Those kids don't deserve this.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8628501

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:49 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

I’d be very very leery of giving anyone a weekend with your children.

Your wife can run off w/ them on Friday night and you woukd not know until Sunday. I only say this b/c it happened in my family. Drug addict XW ran off w/ kid to a different state. No jurisdiction over custody agreement in another state. Family member was forced to get an attorney in state child was living in - with drug addict wife getting awarded temporary custody.

You get my drift I’m sure.

MIL is the grandmother. She has rights. But can’t she come and see kids at your house? At least for now? You don’t want MIL helping the STBXW in any way - given your STBXW’s recent behavior.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13868   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8628519

WilliamM ( member #60910) posted at 5:01 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

Don't let her mother have the kids for the weekend. This is a dangerous plan to get her children back. I would not be surprised if she took the children and hid her location from you with the plan of you never seeing the children again. If her mother wants to see the children, she should follow the same rules as your wife. Supervised visits with you present. That is just my two cents.

All things are possible.

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2017   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 8628575

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:32 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

My case was a little different. I dont know how common it is to file for ex parte custody and then get your emergency hearing the very next day... Usually its within 14 days... The judge must have been worried.

The judge probably knew who the POS OM is and what your kids would be exposed to. If he's a frequent flier in the court, basically everyone will know him.

Congrats on your win and good luck.

posts: 5232   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8628589

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 7:53 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Wondering how you are doing and if your WW has set up any surpervised visits with the kids.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8630562

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 2:58 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

I'm guessing that you have no intention of allowing your MIL to watch your kids for the weekend? With everything going on, probably best they stick with you until things calm down and they are in a more comfortable place.

I hope your family and friends can help you out for a bit with your kids until you figure things out. It's a lot to be thrown at you rights away. I hope you can quickly find a plan that works for you and your kids and doesn't cost too much (i.e. child care).

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8630752

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 5:32 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

Sorry for the late response. Id like to just say things have been "busy", and that holds entirely true.... However the real truth is, Ive just been kinda trying to forget about this whole thing and move on..

Feb 17th is the FOC hearing for information gathering. Im not sure what will happen, or how they work.

I did end up making my MIL (ex) the supervised visitor. I made her sign a few pieces of paper stating the rules. I had to sleep on this decision. It was a hard one. I've always trusted and respected MIL. It saddens me that she will no longer be my MIL... But kids first. Saying that, I think it is important they see their mother. I really thought about this, and I hope it was the right thing to do. According to MIL and kids, she visited MILs house for a few hours. You can see that she has lied and manipulated MIL already, however I have this handy police report with WW's original statement....

Its brutal. The guy strangled her, she told the cops.... This is going to prove a bad thing for her when the judge sees the PR and knows the truth and questioned why she changed her mind about this monster..... At least I hope the judge sees the PR... Or at least someone in the FOC.

Anyways.... Yah... Got the PR.... It made me sick. Also found out the prosecutor put a warrant out for his arrest... Assault with intention to cause grievous harm... 3rd offense.... When they catch him, games over. At least one could hope. He is clearly not rehabilitated. The fact is, she didn't hit her self with the phone like she told the judge. She told the PO that he strangled her until she could not breath. That landed her "godly man" a GBH charge. Then she lied to the judge blatantly....

All I know is come Feb. 17th... I just want this to clear up. I want the kids to have a mom. I want her to wake the F up. I want to be able to enjoy my 1 week off from the kiddoes every other week. I don't enjoy paying out 800 dollars a month in child care services. Yeah, Have a few friends and the school helping me. its a blessing, but not free. I am also for the time being paying her 1k a month or so is Child Support, and still have full cust.

Like I said, just want this over. Or at least a clear view of my and my kids future. GF is helping me a lot around the house, and I am truly grateful for that. However, I am doing all of the homework.... Cooking, Cleaning ect. Kids are handling it like champs. Daughter is even opening up more to me I have noticed.

I am content. Things are good. I just pray they get better.

Thanks guys... I will keep all of you wonderful people in my thoughts... And I am here to help any unfortunate newbs if needed.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8631048

Dignitas ( member #75678) posted at 7:20 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I am gutted for her because of what she went through, but the police report solidifies even further that she was OUT OF HER FKING MIND to have that man around your children. I mean... it would be great for her to recover and become a competent parent again, but are you sure you'll ever be able to really trust her?

She also 100% verifiably perjured herself, which could put her in contempt of court. It's just all so horrific. Best of luck to you as you navigate having the kids full time. I'm sure it can't be easy.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2020
id 8631053

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:07 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I am also for the time being paying her 1k a month or so is Child Support, and still have full cust.

This is crazy.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8631076
Topic is Sleeping.
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