Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

Topic is Sleeping.
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:22 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

I want to give all of your amazing women who have suffered from these FOO issues a huge hug. Dealing with infidelity is shitty on it's own, but with FOO baggage added to it, you are really strong women!

Daisy - not to say H doesn’t deserve a dart or two, but I’ll give him credit for trying. Big hugs to you both. Two courageous people making it work.

Thank you, LH. He absolutely deserves a few darts, but I also give him credit for trying and putting my needs first. I always knew deep down inside, he is a good person. Speaking of FOO issues, he definitely has them. Raised by a single mom, who when he was 14 had another baby and he pretty much raised him as his son just as much as a brother. He was always taking care of somebody. The psycho has money and was the one who planned their trips. Basically she took care of him in the only one way I didn't.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8460753
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 1:28 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

Good morning ladies.

Ellie, good for you! I dont think I could handle the new "love" either!

Happy Halloween! Hope everyone has a good day!

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8460755
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:12 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

Good for you, Ellie. I wouldn't want that in my house, either.

My mom couldn't be without a guy when I was younger and she had some real treats

My mom was the same. She dated the last man she had for over a decade, I think. He completely abandoned her when she got sick with pancreatic cancer. Couldn't even be bothered to see her one last time on her deathbed in the hospice facility. His excuse? He was afraid he would catch it! SMH!

My 15yo wore his spiderman costume to school today. I don't like it. It's a very tight bodysuit. It's too tight and revealing, if you know what I mean. You can easily see his junk pointing through it. He wore compression shorts underneath just for me.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8460772
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 4:05 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

Good morning ladies ..... or happy Halloween 🎃

Oh joy it’s Thursday. I wonder what roller coaster ride will happen today. 🤔

Daisy - how do you handle the after math of an A when you know your WH has issues and you couldn’t provide for that?

I find myself feeling some guilt around loving exwbf and knowing I couldn’t satisfy his “whatever “ he was looking for. Not sure I can explain very well. But I think you know what I’m trying to say. Well, I’m sure everyone on this thread gets it.

See I think ex has serious FOO issues and is part of the problem. I didn’t think people seek out A to solve their problems.

Oh well, the princess has lost her fairy tale and ended up with hot steamy shit.

Got another date the Peter on Sunday. I gotta say compared to my ex...this guy stays in contact. I would be lucky if I got a text a call from my ex. I did the bulk of initiating. Making me realize how much effort I put into the relationship with not much coming back.

The wake up call has been received universe.

I’m still really sad but so glad to be away from douchebag. I’m starting to feel liberation from his lack of everything, commitment, dedication and inconsistent love.

Just so you know Ellie - I’m so in love. Peter is my better half. He completes me. We were meant to fall in love.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8460822
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 4:13 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

Coco?

Did your son get his costume idea from his father?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8460826
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:04 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

LH - LMAO! Missy you had better be joking...

Coco - (about your mom's bf) There's no cure for stupid

And noooo... your DS doesn't need to be flashin the d all around

FOO issues... You know, I get that people have them. I honestly don't think anyone escapes childhood without some level of FOO issues. Some have it worse than others for sure, but everyone has their crosses to bear.

Just irritates me that cheaters and other shitty people do this crap and immediately throw out the 'FOO issues' card like that excuses it all away and you're not allowed to have a problem with it. Every shitty person I have known in my life from my dad on down has the "I had a crap childhood" narrative down pat.

I have FOO issues too, and I am not an asshole. Well..... I'll amend that to I AM an asshole when it is appropriate for me to be so. But I don't go through my life feeling like it owes me anything. And I try my level best to cause no harm if I can help it.

I am 'disgruntled' for Halloween. Headphones are on and just gonna do my best to avoid the annoying people today

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8460855
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:09 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

FOO issues... You know, I get that people have them. I honestly don't think anyone escapes childhood without some level of FOO issues. Some have it worse than others for sure, but everyone has their crosses to bear.

This!!!!

I just read this today and it speaks volumes. It is allegedly attributed to Nikki Six. But is it kick ass true no matter who said it:

If you don't deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it's going to hurt.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8460857
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 6:11 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

If you don't deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it's going to hurt.

Amen. I think everyone has issues and some people for whatever reason, come up with healthier (or less harmful to self and other) coping mechanisms. For example, my medicators for anxiety and depression were isolation, playing games on my phone and reading. My WH's were flirting with people, drinking like a 21 years old, smoking weed and lying to me about it, and fucking his co-worker. Both "unhealthy" in their use, but mine were considerably less harmful to others and self.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they commented that under the age of 12, ALL trauma is processed the same. From a pet's death to abuse. Obviously the abuse is usually ongoing and more harmful, but in the moment it would have the same effect. Later, the processing out of the trauma is what differentiates things. whether trauma was T or t. We obviously married people who no matter the trauma, were not healthy in their coping. Which blows for us.

Those of you who have gone through CSA, I am even more amazed at your resilience. SOS, bless your daughters for using their hurt to propel them, I'm sure as a parent, it is so difficult to not be able to just make it all go away for them. They are lucky to have your love and support.

It's a sunny (if not butt ass freezing cold) Halloween. No revealing costumes for my kids today - not allowed to wear at school. My 14 yo has some Post Malone temporary tattoos that we'll be putting on later. We are going to a party at a friend's. No costume for me, but beer and queso are more my speed anyways. Dressing up with WH is something we used to do, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth now as he sent a pic of himself in his costume to the cOWhore. (This was pre physical A and just in the EA that he didn't count as an EA then, though admits it now.)

I'm nervous about the weekend. Going through our fishbowl and I don't know what I'm expecting. I'm hoping I'll feel a little more closure on certain things. But I know I'll never know everything. I both want to forgive him and want to get divorced tomorrow so I can just not think about this shit anymore. It's such a mind fuck.

Happy Fucking Halloween ladies!

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:14 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 985   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8460899
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, October 31st, 2019

Daisy - how do you handle the after math of an A when you know your WH has issues and you couldn’t provide for that?

Good question. It’s something i am working on myself. And for myself, not just for him or our marriage. I am a very shy/quiet person. He always knew that so it’s not something new. But i have been working on standing up for myself more and conquering some fears. I will never be a completely outgoing person but I know I do have things to work on and he has seen me grow in this aspect. One big issue he had was that he felt like he had to take care of me, as if i was another child. Especially on vacations. Hence why it meant so much to him that Psycho planned and took him out on these vacations (the only times they were together). He now realizes that I do so much at home, even if I am not the one who plans vacations. He realizes he took what I did do for granted. Like do you think he could name of our children’s doctors?! Haha. .

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 3:23 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8461009
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:48 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Did your son get his costume idea from his father?

Haha! No, my fch dresses up as a priest.

Yeah, everyone has FOO issues and childhood trauma. My fch didn't pull the FOO issues card. He has never said anything negative about his parents, his upbringing, or his childhood, although he has realized he's screwed up.

I don't feel guilty that I wasn't whatever he needed for that. I tried to get him to talk to me. I tried to get hom to get counseling. I asked his friends to talk to him. He always lied and said he was fine. That's on him, not me.

There is nothing inadequate about me. There was something wrong with him.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8461129
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

He now realizes that I do so much at home, even if I am not the one who plans vacations. He realizes he took what I did do for granted. Like do you think he could name of our children’s doctors?!

My fch did this, too. He'll make appointments and take the kids to the doctor if I ask him to, but he isn't proactive about it. He doesn't know anything about our Bill's or finances even though he has access to our bank account. He doesn't even know how much he gets paid! He didn't think I did anything of substance or import because I didn't bring home a paycheck.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8461130
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:01 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

It's me, again. Sorry.

My son said he got a lot of weird looks at school. Lots of people checking our his junk and butt. One boy stared at his butt, licked his lips, said, "Nice butt!", then ran off like Naruto. At least one teacher wouldn't even look at him.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8461133
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:13 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

I found my new mug!!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8461141
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:23 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

I had my EMDR appointment today. I retold the story of Cheater’s cheating and lies.

She didn’t do EMDR today, we will on Nov 12th.

She thinks it will help.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8461146
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 12:51 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Love it, Ellie!

20years, how do you feel telling the story?

The reconciliation board is slow these days.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 6:51 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8461246
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:25 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Coco, that is funny! Now he knows how girls feel when they get stares for their bodies!

He didn't think I did anything of substance or import because I didn't bring home a paycheck.

Yes, absolutely! Whenever me being a stay-at-home-mom was mentioned, I reminded him of all the daycare costs I saved us. Plus, I breastfed both babies, no formula cost. That was my paycheck for the family!

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8461272
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 2:48 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Hi ladies. Hope everyone had a happy Halloween! I didn't have any trick or treaters. We are at the end of a street in new construction, so I wasnt surprised. Plus it kept the dogs from barking all night!

Ellie, I need that cup! Lol

20yrs the process starts, hey. Good luck with all of it. I think, sometimes, that any relief is better than none.

I was never lucky enough to be a SAHM, but I haven't "worked" in almost 9 years. Um...

TX, here are my cheaters answers to anything in that fishbowl 1) I dont know. 2) I don't remember. 3)Because I'm stupid. End of fishbowl. Hope you have better luck!

Happy Friday!

[This message edited by sickofsurviving at 9:16 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8461307
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:55 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Coco,

When I retell the story, I feel bewildered. Like, how is this my life?

I don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal. I don’t harm people.

I worked so hard to overcome the disadvantages of my childhood. I thought I married a good person.

But I didn’t. Good people don’t cheat

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8461312
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

20yobs... What you said is so spot on. I feel ya!

I am so sorry that any of your WS's made any of you feel like you somehow had to justify your presence just because you didn't 'work'. Being a SAHM IS work! I'd like to see any of the H's do it and not have the house look like a tornado blew through...

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8461383
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:16 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

I’ve been a Registered Nurse for 25 years. I continued to work after having TWO strokes.

I work several jobs instead of sitting out on disability.

Why? Being married to a narcissistic Cheater has left me feeling like the regular rules society follows don’t apply to me.

I had to relearn to walk, to use my left side, have PBA, and ongoing neurological fatigue.

I have to push through all of that to keep working so Cheater doesn’t feel so much pressure to be a provider.

I want my throne, my pedestal, and riches cast upon my feet for what he put me through.

It’s complete bullshit

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8461396
Topic is Sleeping.
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