SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ellie, I've decided that's how I will refer to him from now on. It helps me when I have a bout of missing him to remind myself of how truly insane he is.

Why the fuck do I have to miss the cheating liar?

LostHeart, because you're human, you have a soul, unlike some of these fuck-faces who deserve a KITD. As mentioned, my ex, Meth-head McSexAddict, is - as his name would suggest - a meth head, and a sex addict, and I still miss him sometimes. More than I would like to admit.

You'll get through it.

kinda just missing that friendship as opposed to feeling a longing for my husband, you know? I do feel less anxiety now. I spent the first day in my rabbit hole of the cOWhore, but yesterday and today I'm not doing that. I am also feeling less of a desire to have my nightly cocktail.

Hey TX - I went (am going?) thru similar stuff since we S. I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out if it's my WH I "love" or the illusion I have about him. One of the huge mindfucks of his A is that I feel I have NO FUCKING CLUE who he is.... the person I THOUGHT he was is not who he really is. And if he's "changing" who will he become? I do know that anytime I spend more than a day around him those old asshat behaviors come out (judgmental, arrogance, entitlement), and I do not like that guy one fucking bit. I honestly don't know how I didn't see those aspects more clearly before. Or why I was so able to compromise. My new trauma IC suggested today that it's bc I didn't know any better kind of love in my past. And she's got a pretty damn good point there. But being on the "back 9" of the golf course of life, it's hard to imagine ever having something better.

I posted in General about wondering if this is in fact a dealbreaker and I'm just not willing to face it. I will daydream about a future with my WH. Even down to wanting to renew our vows for our 20th in 2 years. But then I can't look at him. I'll listen to a podcast and think YES, I want to be married to him, we can do this! and then 10 minutes later think NOPE, never want to touch his penis again. I'm going insane.

#MeToo. 1000% me too. And my WH isn't doing jack on his side of the street, so I'm trying to face up to the idea that this is me and my problem to look at. WHY do I have these fantasies of being able to 'make it'? Cuz if I really think about it, it kind of involves a bit of him getting a personality transplant, which is insane (esp when one considers the suicide and lack of vulnerability even after THAT).

I loved my old life. I miss it. I've grieved it a lot. But, I guess I haven't quite yet assimilated that it's really just gone. The person I thought I knew and loved and married never really existed to begin with. And the "normal" of my past is nothing like the normal of my present - or my future, as far as he's concerned. Hopium keeps me in a cycle that isn't really healthy.

Months ago I told him that one day i will be strong enough to D. I guess I'm just not yet strong enough to put down the hopium pipe.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:49 PM, September 25th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

gmc - I feel ya about not being strong enough to D... But I SO wish I had been one to throw it down. Just feels beyond shitty that he cheated, he lied about R, AND he got to say we were D'ing. If I had one thing to do over, that would be it. I would've gone for shock and awe - kicked him out and filed and been done with it. Just saying. Sending hugs!

And this has been my day today...

Thank you hehadadoublelife. Love the support!

Wishing you the best today.

((Lost))

gmc94.

One of the huge mindfucks of his A is that I feel I have NO FUCKING CLUE who he is.... the person I THOUGHT he was is not who he really is. And if he's "changing" who will he become?

Yep. I *thought* I knew who he was (that he would never lie to my face). And he wants me to use the past two years as evidence of his transformation (um...lies!) and also the fact that he confessed knowing that he couldn't control the outcome. Ugh. I do like the new husband though. He is attentive, he listens, he is more interested in experiences and connection than cleaning house and working. He *knows* me. My birthdays since the first DDay have been really good in the gift giving arena - each thing he did showed me that he listened, he cared and he wanted to support me (things like adopting a child in Uganda, buying me a guitar, gifting me concert tickets, writing and framing poetry that HE wrote). Those kinds of things make it an even bigger mindfuck. If I walk away from THIS guy, I can't say that I'm making a great decision. Isn't it better to be with the devil you know?

I loved my old life. I miss it. I've grieved it a lot. But, I guess I haven't quite yet assimilated that it's really just gone

This 1000 times. That damn hopium pipe makes us think that this is somehow a life we can put back together. I think the hardest part is the acceptance that the marriage and LIFE we thought we loved is just gone. And not repairable. It's up to us to determine whether we want to start fresh with or without them. It's just that we don't WANT to start fresh dammit! I think it took a ton of strength to separate. No hurry in making any more moves. You can watch and see what he does. In the meantime you are building your own life and doing a pretty fabulous job of taking care of yourself. Glad the trauma therapist seems to be a great fit.

Heartbroken I wanted to add that I listened to a Lysa Teurkurst podcast today and it was AWESOME. I think you'd get a lot from it. It's episode 47 on the Messy Table with Jenn Jewell. Really excellent nuggets. Hard to pick a favorite part, but she does say that we cannot change the facts of our stories. BUT we can change how we tell them. And we can tell them through God's perspective - not our own.

HHADL - Love that. We should ALL be independently owned and operated.

On men and "neediness". For fuck's sake. I think that is in the cheater's handbook too. Tell your betrayed spouse that you didn't feel "needed". Yes, your cOWhore NEEDED you to do her job bc she didn't know how. Yes, she NEEDED your opinions on everything because you are brilliant. Yes, she NEEDED you to help carry shit from her car because was wearing heels and you were such a strong man. She NEEDED to fake laugh at your jokes (the same ones I've heard for 20 years and just smiled at because THEY WERE OLD!) You know what your wife needed? A husband who didn't fuck another woman because he was an immature, selfish asshole. I can live just fine without anyone blowing smoke up my ass. I KNOW I am beautiful, smart, sexy, capable, a good mom, friend, wife and MORAL. Sorry you NEEDED someone to pretend that you were those things because you didn't believe them about yourself. Dickheads. All of them.

ETA: I forgot to add, that in an effort to put a halt to the only self help, infidelity podcasts and books, I downloaded Demi Moore's new memoir this morning...

[This message edited by TX1995 at 8:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

DaisyAnne, I know this has been a tough week for you, but it sounds like your H is taking all the right steps... FaceTiming you so you can watch your show together is really sweet!

He really is. Yesterday I knew he was a brewery/restaurant. He knew I knew because he asked me: “So where does track my friends have me right now. Let’s see how good it works”. I got the exact name of restaurant of course.

Anyway I was texting him and he didn’t answer right away. About 5 min later he FaceTimes me, discreetly showing me this strange guy was talking his ear off and he felt bad cutting the dude off. Lol. He finally made an excuse to leave.

It means a lot to me that he realizes I worry and is doing what it takes to ease my mind. My only concern is that we are still early in this journey, I hope it continues.

DaisyAnne - That is great that you guys are finding more connection. I really enjoyed that part of the aftermath of DDay 1. It's a nice little reward for putting up with feeling crappy so much of the time. :) Hope the next day goes by quickly!

Yes, we are definitely finding more of a connection these past few months. I am seeing the man I married and the husband I had for the first 13 years of our marriage again.

Thanks for all the support this week. He will be home today, right about the time I get home from work. I made it!! I am having a big ol' toast tonight! Anyone want to join me?

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:45 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Captain Save a Ho should go find a needy damsel, not a self sufficient woman.

LMFAO! Captain Save a Ho! So much better than KISA.

My fch was the same. I had gotten myself into a pretty comfortable, independent life. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I had no desire to get married again. My fch insisted that we marry. He said he loved my independence. He was so tired of women who just went along with whatever he wanted and didn't seem to have their own personalities. Apparently, that independence turned into me not loving him in his mind.

TX, I totally get what you mean about missing the friendship rather than missing your H. I always feel more relaxed when my fch is away. I don't long for him like I used to (unless it's time to cook dinner or take out the trash).

I also get the idea of not knowing who your H is. I say we are reconciled in terms of his cheating, but I don't know if our M will survive. He is not the person I thought he was, the person he portrayed himself to be. I'm not sure I like the person he is.

I think behavior is a combo of nature and nurture. I do think, though, that there are limits on what nurture can do based on nature. My 4 children (all boys) were born with very different personalities. None of my nurturing will change their basic personalities.

I am not a crier. I learned at a very young age that crying in front of people was dangerous. I can't do it even when I want to. I am also an empath. I feel other people so strongly that I sometimes have to cut myself off so I don't get flooded.

I have only seen my fch cry twice in the 20+ years I've known him. He didn't cry when his mom died. He did cry at the funeral of a boy he says he didn't like. He cried after dday1 when he started to realize what he had done and thought he was going to lose me. I see a serious lack of empathy in him. I think it was there all along. I just didn't recognize it for what it was.

LH, ((hugs)). It's hard to be alone after being with someone else for so long regardless of what they have done.

DD, I think you sound very healthy. Like TX said, we want interdependence, where we don't need anyone. Everyone in our lives are people we want.

I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff.

Oh, had my 1st counseling session last night with the new therapist. I'm not sure about her, but I've scheduled another appointment. Told my fch it's important that he come since it's supposed to be couples counseling. She did says I was brilliant, so she's got that going for her.

Captain Save A Ho! OMG!

I'm mentally picturing what his costume will look like. But guess what I'm imagining the hat to look like

But guess what I'm imagining the hat to look like

I saw like a captain hook hat but instead of a feather it had a boob on it...

If all else fails, you can always come into the Betrayed Womenz Thread for a good laugh! you ladies never disappoint!

I think the Captain's costume should feature a donut, perhaps with rainbow sprinkles.

A big question remains: Which actor will play the Captain in the franchise movies?

Since the break up with my boyfriend on Friday, I guess I'm independently owned and operated, but it can be a bit lonely. It's showing me how disconnected I am to anyone else, having made my boyfriend a priority over friendships for the last couple of years. I have to re-construct a social life, somehow, but I have a lot of loner tendencies that make it difficult.

I hope you are all doing well today.

well fuck.

I should never come to Betrayed Womenz thread when I only have a few minutes.

That captain save a ho makes me wanna open Photoshop in a big way.... but I'm gonna be a grownup and do my damn work.

That captain save a ho makes me wanna open Photoshop in a big way.... but I'm gonna be a grownup and do my damn work.

Can't wait to see what you come up with after you finish your work.

Captain Save a Ho. I love it. Donut definitely popped into my mind too. It's perfect because they live in NeverNever fantasyland. I'd add sparkles or glitter too. But his head needs to somehow be up his own ass. With the damsel in distress.

Chaos, I know you are a sparkly unicorn goddess and I try to picture your bad-assness every time I think of unicorns instead of triggering about the cOWhore, but she also fancied herself a unicorn-loving glitter throwing princess of joy. She literally said in her goodbye email to a "choice few" co-workers (of course including my WH as one of the few that needed her contact email/personal info - in addition to the personal goodbye email she sent him) that they should call her for "support, a laugh or just for me to sparkle some rainbow unicorn glitter towards your corner of the universe"

[This message edited by TX1995 at 2:29 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I have a quandary.

My boyfriend and I split amicably. Nobody was unkind or angry, and I think we were both sad to end it, but it was the right thing to do. He mentioned that he wanted to stay friends because he liked talking to me, etc. I haven't reached out to him since that day. I'm not ready to be friends, but I don't want to shut the door on the possibility. He posted a "summer memories" post on Facebook, and I am in one of the pictures with a couple of other people. I could "like" the post to show no hard feelings.

Ugh! I feel like a teenager.

coco, my WH was also the one who wanted to get married. I wasn't looking for another husband, had my own home and a comfortable life.

I will say that he was absolutely wonderful during my recovery from surgery this summer.

I would like the pic and say "good times" just so the door doesn't close but you aren't really saying to much or reaching out privately???

Omg so glad I found this thread.

Cap sav a ho. I fucking love it!

I’m glad I’m not the only person who is a self help junkie. Been reading “not just friends”....insightful and completely nauseating I give any woman who R so much respect. That is no easy task....unlike what you see on TV.

Yes, ladies...WTF! My WBF told me he would never be interested in woman without self confidence and self sufficiency. Got no clue about OW but obviously my self confidence wasn’t enough. He’s a attracted to a woman who has none to get involved with him. Sorry .... rant over.

Hawke Like the photo. And then as long as he is not blocked the door is not nailed shut.

I love love love ❤️ the donut with sprinkles 🍩 ideas on Captain Save A Ho. That is an excellent idea. This is going to be a fun project. As for who plays him in the movie? I’m thinking a middle-age potbellied balding man. I mean if this were the late 70s or early 80s I would suggest the guy who played Mel on the TV sitcom Alice. I can’t figure out how to paste a picture or I would. But just Google it you’ll get what I’m saying.

TX1995 - Fuck that skank AP. She’s a slime ball in unicorn clothes 🤮. She is not even worthy to say the word unicorn 🦄 let alone pretend to be one. Keep in mind that’s not glitter she’s throwing about. I promise you it’s not glitter. It’s her explosive diarrhea 💩 She is an imposter. She is not a unicorn 🦄 she has a toilet paper roll glued to her head.

ETA-

Even Rashawnda is laughing her fabulous ass off at her.

[This message edited by Chaos at 4:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

TX1995 - A giant sloppy turd covered in rainbow unicorn glitter is still a giant sloppy turd. Just sayin.....