Newest Member: Chickenhawk

I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

Topic is Sleeping.
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steph ( member #11564) posted at 11:14 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019

Wow! His shutting down is similar to my husband, shuts down and/or gets defensive.

Unbelievable that the video disappeared and he had such a reaction to you walking in his room.

If they would just put a smidgen of the effort into their relationships in the marriage rather than having and hiding affairs, there could be a lot of really good marriages in the world.

It's hard to make an informed decision when you have to blindly put things together.

So sorry!

Me BS
Him WS
LTA 14 yrs as far as I know

posts: 2445   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2006
id 8438587
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CaliforniaNative ( member #60149) posted at 11:34 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019

all video from the surveilance system are mysteriously gone,

How is this possible? Is it available on an app like Ring where you get alerts for every incident? If not can you call a 1800 # for help restoring your clips?

posts: 444   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2017   ·   location: California
id 8438599
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, September 17th, 2019

He is a wiz in the tech biz, and if there's a way to make it go away permanently, than he has done it. I couldn't see anyway to retrieve anything at all, without making him suspicious. He installed the entire system. He also wouldn't discuss it all, walked away as usual.

My friend rode by several times, even stopped by to drop somethings off for me. He didn't answer the door. I asked him if she had come by, he said not while he was there.

Nothing new learned here. Life goes on.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8438879
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 2:28 AM on Sunday, October 13th, 2019

How are all my LTA friends doing. We just hit the 20 year mark. Things are going fairly well here, just got back from a short vacation.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8451366
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, October 14th, 2019

No changes here. The affair continues, and I just ignore it, and him for the most part. She has me blocked on social media so I can't see anything going on there, even my friends tried but its all locked down and private.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8452012
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 8:05 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019

I'm guess I'm the only one trapped in this. I shouldn't say trapped, I know I have the ability to leave, but I just can't make myself do it.

I tried to get him to book a vacation with me, no luck. We haven't been anywhere in 2 years, other than a quick 2 days away last year.

I'm like 90% sure she stayed in my house when I was gone. Its little things, like the amount of shampoo and conditioner in my shower, some items used out of the fridge and some others that I know I didn't buy, and he doesn't grocery shop.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8456244
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Thomas11 ( new member #68975) posted at 8:51 PM on Saturday, October 26th, 2019

Hey to fellow survivors of this LTA mess. Just needed to vent. Hard to give up when you've had a long relationship, but it's time for me (3 strikes). LTA is like being punished for a crime you did not commit, but definitely makes you stronger. WW is doing the right things in person, but wayward thinking is too set in I think. Recently found evidence that instead of counseling (which was a must) she spent $1100 talking to psychics in two weeks and drove by AP's house...freakin' crazy! No communication that I'm aware of, but how are you still pining after all this time? Not good - last confrontation coming soon. My poor girls...like living with a drug addict.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2018
id 8458585
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 4:00 PM on Monday, October 28th, 2019

I belong to this club too , unfortunately.

I'm trying to cut back........

posts: 5093   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a place that hurts
id 8459232
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 28th, 2019

What do you do to keep yourself from going crazy?

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8459337
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 28th, 2019

What do you do to keep yourself from going crazy?

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8459338
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, October 28th, 2019

Psychics? WTH?

And yes, it is doing time for a crime we did not commit. The WS will just compartmentalize it away, lie to the next partner (the M ended bc of 'incompatibiity' or some such bullshit) and bounce on by.

We will spend our lives working on healing trauma and trying to understand how YEARS were stolen from us, right under our noses.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3446   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8459532
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, October 29th, 2019

We will spend our lives working on healing trauma and trying to understand how YEARS were stolen from us, right under our noses.

So very true!

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8459574
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, October 29th, 2019

Unless you play the game and let them do what they want.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8459867
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Thomas11 ( new member #68975) posted at 3:39 AM on Wednesday, October 30th, 2019

I know. They do not understand the gift that a second (third) chance is. Psychics - LOL, can't make it up. Pay someone to tell you want you want to hear.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2018
id 8460154
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 3:50 AM on Wednesday, October 30th, 2019

the M ended bc of 'incompatibiity' or some such bullshit)

Mine ended due to "irreconcilable differences" according to my WH. That's what he told his family last week when he finally broke the news we are D (it's been over a month).

They do not understand the gift that a second (third) chance is.

Mine got two and a half chances - and then his own I will prove it to you self imposed 3rd chance and he blew them all and gave up trying because "I wasn't happy" - shocker. 1+ years of false R and then anther 4 months of false R again. Yeah? Wonder why I'm not happy.

Psychics...wow. Maybe that's what I should have spent my IC money on!

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8460160
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 8:22 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

I just don't get him thinking its ok to have both of us. I am supposed to accept it because he supports me? WTF?

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8461496
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 10:38 PM on Thursday, November 7th, 2019

An LTA is so painful. To the best of my knowledge my H had an affair with his ex body buddy for 17 years. The first year there was so much TT. I was in shock for awhile, shook constantly, high blood pressure then my body started to shut down and I was sick for 6 months. I found out in July of 2017. My H does IC, we do MC, I do IC and he has changed many things. He worked out of town for years. After dday, he was sent out of town but commuted 2 hours to his job and 2 hours back. He refused to live in the fifth wheel he always used when out of town. He told his boss after that he no longer was willing to work out of town. He has since worked in town. He has find friends on his phone, yet I know he could leave his phone at work and meet her. Originally they talked a couple of years and he was sent accross the state to work. That is when it became sexual. I went out of town with him as often as possible. Then, he was sent to places far from her and they had a break from sex for years but continued talking, sexting, texting and messaging. In 2013 she rented a room in our town and he left work at lunch to be with her. He has never left work for anything. In 2016 she again rented her fancy hotel room which her husband paid for and he told me he was going shopping. He did this while out of town on a Sunday when all we had together was the weekends. Our daughter left for college and I went to stay with him after they got together. It was so awkward that after 2 weeks I came home and never stayed with him again. He gaslighted the crap out of me over the years when I asked if there was someone else as he quit treating me the way he had. Their last sex together didn't go well so when she returned in 2017, he made up an excuse not to see her. He lied to her too. She broke the rules and texted him in the evening. I never checked his phone but it was in our dining room and I just saw the message because I was watering plants. It took weeks before he admitted to an affair, I told him I hired a PI, it was the first time I lied to him and even then he lied about the timeline. I stayed because of finances and I have disabilities and needed surgery, still need one more. In that time he has seemed to change very much. He is accountable for where he is at all times. He treats me with respect, apologizes constantly and does things I never thought he would. I still don't trust him and don't know if I ever will. I will never love him as I did. I use to think I was lucky to have him, now I think he is beyond blessed I am still here. I have not made a commitment to stay, I cannot stand to wear a wedding ring even though he bought me a new one. He bought himself one as well as he knew I hated that he wore his ring when he was with his AP. He wrote a no contact letter, notarized it and sent it to his AP and her husband. I have no answers really as to why I am with him. I will never see the man I loved and respected. He has made huge changes but occasionally gets defensive when we talk about his affair which for me is not ok. I think this is one club nobody ever wants to be in. I hope someday I won't feel the pain yet I still do. Not as often as I use to but it is there as are the nightmares and thoughts during the day. I do know he can look me in the eyes and lie to me. He has put forth a lot of effort, not just with me but his IC has had him make amends to other people he has hurt. I am sorry for anyone that is here, it truly is the rollercoaster from hell.

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8464711
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:45 PM on Thursday, November 7th, 2019

I just don't get him thinking its ok to have both of us.

It's not ok at all. Is this A active?

Have you been 180ing or detaching? This would be the first thing I would do and let him know he has to sleep on the couch or somewhere else.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8464715
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

The affair is still active. She lives on the opposite coast, I thought their plan was for her to move, but for some reason she hasn't. Whatever. I have a beautiful home and a nice life. He's still my best friend, and we have good times together. We just don;t have sex, and I feel like she is always on his mind. He hides his phone and tablet from me all the time. Whatever.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8465327
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:49 AM on Wednesday, November 13th, 2019

My WH cheated in a variety of ways for 10 years. Nearly 50% of our marriage. he had a 5 year full ILY intimate relationship with the prostitute he booked online.

How do you forgive that? These purposeful choices.

How do you stay with the one person who hurt you most in the world?

If they don’t know who they are, how can you....?

Struggling. I feel a sense of loss if I end the M, and panic if I don’t.

Stupid emotions.

How do you make the hardest decision of your life? And then I wonder why the fuck is it so hard. It wasn’t a good M and I wasn’t happy. Can he do enough work ?? Is it possible?

Change hurts.

Forgive the musings of an LTA victim.

Branded by pain.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:21 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8467212
Topic is Sleeping.
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