deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 5:10 PM on Saturday, November 30th, 2019
I don’t regret r. He appears to be a completely changed person and someone I always deserved to be married to now. I still love him, not the same but still do. I never stopped, even when I wanted to punch him in the face. I still do want to sometimes. I’m still very hurt and angry over what he did and for how long. I still feel very disrespected and like I didn’t matter. I still question if his changes are real. Basically I am not healed and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m probably in my own way but I don’t know how to get out if it. I can’t let it go. My brain keeps reminding me of all the lies and deceit. Sometime things seem so good and like things are becoming almost normal and my brain goes “wait a minute, don’t forget this and that”.
Maybe if I had all my questions answered I could stop obsessing over them, and maybe bit. Technically I have enough answers. I know what took place. I still wonder if there were more a’s and I haven’t been able to let that go and he has said there was no one else a hundred times and I have no proof that there ever was but my brain won’t let that go either. Maybe it’s due to the trauma of it all. I don’t really know but I also see here in si that I am not alone in these feelings even farther out than I am.
If I had to do it all again, i would still want to r. I feel like we are successful because our day to day is happy and I see a future for us but there is always that last there taunting at me.
If I ever find out that he has lied to me about there being more or ever dies it again, we are finished. If he could still lie to me after all we have been through then I will know that he will never be a safe partner for me and will always put himself first.
[This message edited by deephurt at 11:11 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]
so far successfully in R
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 5:52 AM on Sunday, December 1st, 2019
he has gone out of his way to be kind, thoughtful, non defensive although that still happens at times. He goes to IC, MC and reads things to help him. He has become a better husband than ever
I know that doesn't make it "all better", but I'm glad he is stepping up.
He appears to be a completely changed person and someone I always deserved to be married to now.
I'm glad for you.
Unfortunately, it sounds like Tallgirl, WhyAgain and I have WH with the same Dx of HeadUpTheirArse and cannot seem to figure out how to do the damn treatment.
Tonight it dawned on me how much my WH is missing by living a life dominated by conflict avoidance, shame, fear, etc. How much he's missing by living a life that is not honest. To me, that would be like living an entire lifetime without ever understanding the beauty of a good laugh, the peace of a beautiful sunset, or the joy in hearing a child's singing. Imagine living a life that did not include the richness and beauty of basic honesty?
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:30 PM on Sunday, December 1st, 2019
So I was away with WH. Spent 4 days together visiting our son.
Last night he tentatively held my hand. I asked him why he doesn’t offer to hold me. (And yes I know I am An angry woman so I can’t imagine I look cuddly.). He thought I wanted sex. And told me, he was taking small steps only. Then he said he just can’t turn it on like that.
My response. Oh really. You had no problem turning it “on” for a prostitute.
He also said a lot of hurtful things have been said over the last few days. My response. A lot of hurtful things have been done over the last few years. Again silence.
I am wondering if I have R capabilities. Never mind him. Starting to think it was all a dealbreaker.
It is freezing rain outside. I can hear it as I type. Oh the roads are going to be a big mess.
[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:31 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]
deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 7:57 PM on Sunday, December 1st, 2019
Freezing rain here too. Maybe we live in the same area
I remember having those moments and comments with wh. They say things that practically make it impossible for you to not have a glib response. You have to say it and have to point it out. I did and still do when I need to because they don’t see it. They seem to be blind to their actions and what they say to us. My wh recently mentioned my sister lying (which he has no proof of) and how he doesn’t like them because they lie and he doesn’t want to be around them. I had to tell him that I needed to bite my tongue and I hoped he understood why. He just shut up after saying he understood but it didn’t dawn on him that he is was massive liar and being very hypocritical. I do know that he sees himself as changed but he doesn’t always see his hypocrisy until I point it out.
Also I wouldn’t give up on r if it’s something you think you want. I felt like it was going to be useless at times. I didn’t years after dday pointing out behavior that he needed to change for us to work. I didn’t say we wouldn’t work if he didn’t change but I pointed it out and how it affected me. I left it for him to decide if he wanted to change it. I figured some of the things, especially lying was a lifetime of learned behavior and figured it may take some time and some being told I knew he was lying for him to learn to stop and that he didn’t need to lie. The flirting was the biggest thing. I had to point out every time I felt he was flirting. He didn’t even realize some of his behavior was flirting. I still have to point stuff out on occasion but he has changed and we are happy in the present.
so far successfully in R
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019
Freezing rain here too. I hate it.
We were talking about Christmas. He wants to pay for me and my bestie to take a trip somewhere. I know what that means. He wants some play time again.
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:38 PM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019
I am sorry. What are you going to do?
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, December 3rd, 2019
I'll probably take him up on it. Why not? Apparently this is the life we have settled in to. At least for now anyway.
And I will continue to pad my secret savings account. Funny how groceries got so expensive...
PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 10:45 PM on Tuesday, December 3rd, 2019
Late response, I have been really sick pneumonia. My doctor says after the original shock when my heart rate was 130 always and I shook constantly I started to have organ failure. Now, I am really high risk for certain things. I will say my H stayed home again to care for me, something he never would have done in the past. I was wheezing and having trouble breathing last night and my H wanted to stay home and take me to the doctor. I told him just go to work. He has texted 3 times and called twice, he would never have done that in the past, I came behind work and his affair. Funny, I still don't trust him. I have always cared for our home, daughter, bills, disasters while he was out of town and received no support. To have him so worried, I wonder if it is because he is so afraid he will lose me and not have me anymore. I stopped doing his laundry and a lot of things I always took care of. He is an adult at 67 and can take care of himself. @WhyAgainWhyHer, he puts the phone off limits because he is an ass and disrespecting you. I have access to all my husbands passwords, accounts, etc. The thing is there are so many ways to go underground and I am not that computer savvy. I've heard a VAR in the car is smart as well as keypad logger. I don't know as I am sure I would screw it up. I really trusted even though I knew something was so wrong such as the phone attachment. When I asked if there was anyone else my H would say "How could you think something so horribly of me? This is because your ex cheated and your punishing me for it". Or look me in the eyes and say "Of course not, I would never hurt you that way, you have been through enough pain". Gaslighting at it's finest. I honestly thought I was crazy at times. Also when I asked if he had ever heard from her (they had a body buddy relationship for years, just get together for sex) I was told never. Funny, when I found the text in July 2017 "Can't you get away for just a few? I am at the ….. I would LOVE to see you! Followed by 2 hearts. Before I dialed the number, I was praying, please don't let it be her, of course it was. They both lied fore a month. Then I lied and said my dad hired a PI and I would have a report the next day. That's when he sat me down and said the affair started in 2003-2006, after that they didn't have sex until 2013 and 2016. Truth, they began talking, sexting, texting in 2000. I am 2 years and several months out and will not commit to my H. We both do IC and MC. He treats me for the most part like a princess. I just don't believe in fairytales anymore. I have huge trust issues and now put myself first. Yesterday was my birthday. For years, I was lucky to get a card. I got a card, roses, a gorgeous bracelet and dinner out. I still wonder why now I am beautiful, smart, amazing, kind, have the most amazing heart and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He worked out of town for years and I tried to be with him as often as possible. He just distanced so I quit going. I would do things with friends and do things with our daughter. I lived in denial. My husband appears to be the unicorn, problem, I don't believe in unicorns. @Deepheart, your post touched me. I know your struggles and you always rise above, your so wise and such a wonderful presence. @Chaos, good to see you here. I hope things are getting better for you, you deserve the best of life as we all do. @Tallgirl, I had to take every photo of my H and I down and put them away. I think of so many years of memories and now I feel like they are all a lie so I can't stand to look at pictures. That is one way I hurt and feel anger, I had no choice in my life for 17 years. He could have divorced or even told me he was talking to his ex body buddy. Once, in the early days he said "It felt good to have sex that was different". She wasn't different, they had sex off and on for years, she was just different from me. He is now feeling shame and huge regret yet I don't trust him nor should I. He led a double life, all those in LTA'S lead a double life. Nice to meet the rest of you but am so sorry you are here. Sorry for such a long post, after pneumonia I couldn't sit here and now need to lay down. You should all know we are riding the rollercoaster from hell. On that rollercoaster is the cheaters handbook. Myself and two other ladies here want to find it, burn it down and then have a weekend celebration beyond measure. I know Chaos is bringing alcohol, we will have music, great food and celebrate for at least 3 days. Many others have plans on what they will bring. We will dance and sing, laugh and feel like who we were for the years before dday. I know it will be packed. That is one thing I have learned, we need to have hope, dreams and support.
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!
Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
(((Purplehaze))) feel better soon.
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 4:25 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
I hope you feel better soon!
He is a total ass, everything is off limits to me.
Nolife ( member #72136) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
Honey been married 45 years. First lies started with a 40 year lie. First infidelity 40th year. second affair 38 year. Third 32 years ago . priors 45 years married last affair 38 years ago found out May 2019. He lied about second affair for 38 years Dday was May 2019. We were separated and I got back together .. I asked if he sleep with anyone he lied . He sleep with some I considered a friend. That also meant he had affair 32 years told about it got caught but still Ws lieing about the other. He took my choices from my life for 38 years. He has tainted everything for the last 38 years every memory reminds me that he was lying he took my life he took him from my life and my kids and tainted everything. I can’t even talk about anything from the past without bawling. So believe me I understand how you feel and if I knew today what took place back then my life would be a whole lot different. I feel for you I don’t think I could do what you’re doing but I’m 62 years old and I don’t have much time to think about a future because I don’t have no past.
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 6:11 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
NoLife, are you saying he had an affair for 28 years? Or the last one was 32 years ago but he lied about it?
Are you getting divorced?
Nolife ( member #72136) posted at 7:06 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
Honey been married 45 years. First lies started with a 40 year lie. First infidelity 40th year. second affair 38 year. Third 32 years ago . priors 45 years married last affair 38 years ago found out May 2019.
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 7:22 PM on Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
[This message edited by WhyAgainWhyHer at 1:23 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]
nofun ( member #24546) posted at 12:42 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2019
I am back here after reconciling 10 years ago from my WH’s long term 10 year affair. I was blindsided 3 weeks ago. He took back up with the OW. I’m trying to get him out of the house but he won’t go. I’m done. I can’t go through this again. Now I’m going back in my mind wondering if he had been doing this for all of our 44 years of marriage. I’m spitting mad. Why ruin my life? Why didn’t he let me go when I was younger? Ughhh.
BS (me) 64
M 44 yrs
OW - 64 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09 DD2 11/20/2019
LTA 20 years
Confused: heading to separate
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2019
nofun, I am so sorry. Our situations are similiar, and it sucks!!!
PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 8:17 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019
Nofun I am so sorry and sending you such a huge hug. The reason they don't let go is they want both. I so get it, my H had a 17 year affair. He should have let me go and I told him always, leave, don't cheat. Not having a say in our lives is so wrong. I hope you do the 180, distance from him and hire a great attorney. Get your ducks lined up, attorney, know your financial situation. Do not say one word to him about any of this. Just get yourself set and ready to slam his dumb ass. I am in my 60's so I see you in your 40's with so much more life and potential. Please if your not already, find a great IC. You may have to shop a bit, you need the support of someone who is in your corner and will help you through this pain. You are so strong, amazing, compassionate and offered the gift of reconciliation. It is probably the greatest gift you can give another person. Know this is not about you but totally about him. He is selfish, lacks empathy, only cares about his own self. I am sending another hug and really hope you find a good IC as well as attorney. I imagine after 10 years this is breaking your heart. You deserve so much more in life. You are obviously a lovely person. Keep posting and reaching out, there are good people here. I am just heartbroken for you, you had the strength to R for years, you are so much stronger than you realize. Surround yourself with people who love you. I know this is a shock so please hydrate, eat even if you struggle, small amounts. You need to take care of yourself. Keep to yourself if you plan on leaving. Schedule pedicures and anything that feels good to you. You are the most important person. I read a quote "Do not look at healing at the feet of those who broke you". "I don't know why I split myself open for others. Knowing sewing myself up hurt"s so much afterwards", "I am a museum full of art...but you had your eyes shut", One of my favs from Robin Williams " I use to think the worse thing in life is to end up alone. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel along". You will get through this!!!! Another huge hug.
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:19 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019
nofun - everyone's worst fear come true. And after 10 years! I'm so sorry.
I'm torn between wanting to get you a blanket, wine and chocolate OR a shovel, tarp and duct tape.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 8:26 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019
PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!