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I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

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WhyAgainWhyHer ( Member #63795) posted at 9:09 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

We are snowed in together for awhile. FML.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8495748
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 11:17 AM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

Hugs to you all.

I read the last few pages thinking, I know it. I hurt the same. I am lost too. I don’t know who I married, now I don’t know me.

I have built walls so thick to protect myself I don’t think I can ever get past them. They are crushing.

WH wants to reconcile. I don’t understand. Why? If he had planned to crush me, he couldn’t have done it better.

He talks about defining what we want out of a relationship. Right now I am full of Nots. Not what we had before. Not putting me down. Not cheating. Not lying. Not being selfish. Not hurting me. Not going online for sex. and then I think not you...

He wants to feel excited about his relationship. He said that he didn’t want to go back to the way we were. I wanted to punch him in the mouth.

Right now I don’t want a relationship, Solely because of him. ironic he is asking.

I feel like I don’t know how to have a good relationship with anyone. Especially with him. My marriage was an utter fail.

The hardest part of LTAs is losing yourself.

I guess we have no choice. We have to let it go. Move on. If anyone knows how, please share.

I want that vacation.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8498251
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ShatteredSakura ( Member #70885) posted at 4:22 PM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

Tallgirl, is WH currently single while asking to reconcile?

I haven't posted much this week, I've been coping and going day by day. I think there's trouble in paradise though, as WW was asking for us to go to a "boards [games] and brew" event on Friday. I said no, multiple times. Cited a lot of obvious reasons.

She was also missing me and asking if she could come back. She can at any time and she knows this, at least until I move in the coming months. She still chooses to be with the AP. She hinted if we reconnected she wouldn't go back. Yeah that's a big fat lie.

While I miss her, I know what will happen. She'll grow bored and restless here too and the cycle will just startup again.

WH wants to reconcile. I don’t understand. Why? If he had planned to crush me, he couldn’t have done it better.

I feel the same. I don't sleep well anymore, and I barely get through the days. Even if she just showed up at the door I'll still be crushed. She couldn't have done it better if that was her original intent.

I'm also full of nots. The days are exhausting already. I feel like I just don't want to have to deal with anyone right now. And I do admit, I'm getting used to being alone doing what I want...just wish I knew what I wanted everyday and had the motivation to do it.

A few days ago I looked at some photos of us/her and for the first time I had the thought "why do I miss her/why was I attracted to her?". Maybe it wasn't a flattering photo lol. Or my mind is finally coming up with a revulsion mechanism to save my sanity.

It still hurts though her expressing these thoughts and deciding not coming back on her own accord. If she was serious I think she should have done that, rather than centering it around "having fun at some social event".

It very much sounds like your WH and you wanting to punch him lol. They don't get it. And if your WH is expressing this while still seeing other people, I'll be first in the punching line. God almighty how can they expect reconciliation while still carrying on with the AP. Try being single for a while dammit.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:28 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8498328
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 6:00 PM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

Hi Shattered

He is single. I think he has been dedicated to us during our separation. Funny. Doing that during our marriage was not important. If he dated anyone I would be done.

I think I want him to so I don’t have to make that decision .

Can’t believe what you WW is doing.

Letting go is not in my nature. That is not serving me.

They do not deserve us.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8498372
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ShatteredSakura ( Member #70885) posted at 9:24 PM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

You mean you want him to see someone else so it's easier to cut the cord?

If you're like me and have trouble letting go, the grass is not greener on that side of the fence lol.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8498438
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 11:34 PM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

Not too smart is it. That way I wouldn’t be wrong.

Sigh.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8498493
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ShatteredSakura ( Member #70885) posted at 3:13 PM on Monday, January 20th, 2020

I think the toughest part of letting go is to convince ourselves that the other person doesn't care about us the same way we do for them. Or even that they do not have the same moral values or priorities. Setting up red lines that if and when they cross gives us something concrete to finally convince us. As if the affair wasn't enough (for many it is thankfully).

After not hearing from her I actually asked her last night how she can be missing me and making promises if we go out she'll stay, one night and then act like I don't exist the next night(s). She said something along the lines "well I tried making plans and you turned me down, I'm sorry but I don't know what you expected"

It's the ol' blameshifting rearing it's ugly head. If she was serious she could've come over anyways "to reconnect". No she wanted a night out and was trying her best to convince me, for whatever reason. At least whatever feelings she has isn't enough to leave her AP. I'm not going to be used to satisfy her fleeting fleeings and get devastated when she leaves again.

It just adds more fuel to me convincing myself that she doesn't actually care about me the same way. For years I thought I knew her, and that's perhaps the biggest mind fuck. It is really tough letting go of the person you trusted the most, who was your closest confidant. She's crossed many red lines in the past and I still wouldn't believe all hope was lost.

What's amazing is strangers dating wouldn't put up with what she proposed on Friday. If a woman asks a man out and the man knows she's currently with another man, it isn't the man's fault for turning down the woman. I do not see how she doesn't see that. She only seems to understand these things when it happens to her - the man would have been "a jerk" if he was with another woman and she'd be right to turn him down.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8498698
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ShatteredSakura ( Member #70885) posted at 12:06 AM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

One of the worst things is where you know people who know the AP, and the AP gets tagged in things on social media like Facebook and you get a notification about it. I've unfriended a number of acquaintances because they were friends with the AP (good riddance IMO, their affair was an open secret, so screw those people).

Earlier today I was met with a notification from an actual mutual friend that didn't really know the AP...he hosted a (different) board game meetup yesterday (Sunday) and WW and AP went and the mutual friend tagged them both.

I was invited too, and I ALMOST went to this thing but decided not to.

But it got me thinking, what a POS WW is. We were both invited to this thing, but she wanted to go to a different event (I never mentioned the Sunday one, or that I was even thinking of going...it didn't occur to me because I didn't notice she RSVP'd on our friend's Facebook event page). I would NOT be surprised that her original intent was to go to both, one with me and one with him. Otherwise why wouldn't she mention the event being hosted by a mutual friend? (The other one is just a public meetup). It's so common for her to lie by omission.

Can't believe I came that close coming face to face with the AP. I think I would've flipped out!

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 6:53 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8499013
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 12:01 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

Wondering if I can ask a question. My WS had a 3 year affair...we had travelled a fair bit (some of my favourite trips) during the affair. I can’t bear to look at the photos. Any advice on how to get past it? It’s not fair for me to have to delete them, but they cause me so much pain.

How do you all look at family photos and memories and not feel they are all tainted?

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8499182
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ShatteredSakura ( Member #70885) posted at 1:55 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

I plan on steeling myself and going through all our photos and transfer then to a flash drive (although I've heard they aren't good for long term storage).

For some reason WW a while back requested I give her all our saved photos rather than delete them. I did delete some that were very close to the last DDay. I felt like it was a false reconciliation since she resumed the affair in secret, so I wanted to forget those memories.

But I think for myself the act of going through my devices, computer, and any cloud storage and collating them all to one place and purging them everywhere else will be therapeutic. It's going to be a difficult day to sort through them though. I look at a few and it can bring me to my knees how I miss how things used to be, or miss her now that we're separated.

It gets trickier for photos not just of us...I only care about the ones that are with my family, but all of them are happy memories with her. I might keep them in a separate folder.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:06 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8499222
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 3:45 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

Throwaway- I don’t know how to look at all those photos w/o feeling tainted.

So I just don’t look.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8499276
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

Everything is tainted for me too. I can't look without feeling angry and hateful. Pretty much all photo's make me think, you SOB! or Prick or Asshat…

It's better for your own mental health NOT to look. Though I'd suggest that you store them somewhere and look in a few years.

It may be better then.

Maybe

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8499290
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 4:55 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

Throwaway999 - yes.

Tainted. Excellent word for it.

I don't delete them. I just don't look at them. At all.

But I won't throw them away. Just tuck them away.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8499326
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ButterflyBeauty ( Member #68828) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

I don’t look at them either. It’s still painful. I get annoyed by google and Facebook notifications or “memories” of old pictures. My WH and I have had this conversation a few times since DDAY. He says It makes him sad that I can’t bring myself to look at them. His perspective is that they were real memories and we were happy. I know that’s why they are so painful. I also can’t look back at pictures even before the A because I see our beautiful family and know what’s about to happen. Since working on R we have taken a lot of new pictures together. I can manage to look at them, actually I enjoy them. I used to LOVE pictures. Our home is filled with pictures of us and our family. My WH has started a project to replace the old pictures with our new memories. It’s supposed to be a surprise for me.

Take your time, maybe one day you will feel different or be able to handle looking at them. But for now I would let them be.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2018   ·   location: East Coast
id 8499456
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

All of my memories are also tainted...our last trip, my favorite one we ever took...we came home and a week later he went to Vegas with his AP. It makes me sick even just thinking about it. And yet he insists the memories are real...not for me. They will never be the same...ever again.

All I know is that I have to get them off of my phone and iPad....all my photos just sadden me. What makes it worse...he is dying from cancer and we will never even have another family trip. That was our last one as he is too sick to travel now.

A hard drive or usb is a very good suggestion.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8499471
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

yet he insists the memories are real

Mine too. Cognitive dissonance or lack of empathy at its finest.

They cannot comprehend the depth and breadth of the damage they have done - it contradicts their own self image. Sure, those memories were "real" for them bc they were actually living in reality, while their deceit puts their BS into a life of mirage and illusion.

They don't understand what it's like to have the reality of one's life pulled out from under them.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8499486
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silrais ( New Member #70802) posted at 9:05 PM on Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

I get annoyed by google and Facebook notifications or “memories” of old pictures.

Ah, yes... the google "what you were doing" picture reminders.

Those have taken me down some dark holes.

* BS(39-M), WS(38-F)
* Unmarried, No Kids
* Together 17 years
* DDay #3, Oct 2018 - PA/EA/Sexting/Video (1.5 yr duration)
* DDay #2, Oct 2018 - EA/Sexting/Video (3 month duration)
* DDay #1, Aug 2008 - EA/thwarted PA

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2019
id 8499503
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

Why don’t we hate them? I sometimes wonder what does he have to do for me to say I am done.

Anyone have an answer?

how do you forgive some one who has cheated for years in some way or another. For multiple years. In my case it is 10.

How do you live with someone who you have seen at their worst and know what they are capable of.

Is remorse enough.

Can you be happy with the person who threw your soul and heart in the garbage.

These questions have no good answers for me.

I often wonder if i am unable to answer these questions because of my own flaws.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:37 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8500021
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( Member #63795) posted at 8:04 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

Tallgirl, this is where I am too. I can't see myself without him, but the affair is still active and its been 5 years now. Oh and I don;t know if I mentioned this before, but it's their second go round. He's been cheating basically since our 2nd year together.

And pictures, well, let's just say I thought I was on the most magical trip ever, a month in Paris. But guess who he texted every single day and sent pictures!

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8500035
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 8:14 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020

Tall girl - I don’t think your feelings are any kind of flaw on your part. I think an affair is the most damaging thing that you can do to an relationship. I am still fresh in this but but right now I love him and hate him all at the same time. It would probably take years of perfect behavior for me to ever get past it. I think your feelings are probably completely normal and valid. Hang in there with whatever decisions you make and know that you are stronger from all of this.

Whyagainher- love your user name. It could be mine. Lol. My WH also texted and emailed on our dream family vacation as well and turned around and took loving selfies with me..completely soured it for me. It’s heartbreaking.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8500044
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