Newest Member: Qashess

I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

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nofun ( member #24546) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

Purple haze, I am in my 60s not 40s. We just retired and had all these plans. I am going to try to get my finances in order and see an attorney. I’ll probably end up in a soup kitchen. Ughh.

I will get through this.

Thanks for everyone’s kind words.

BS (me) 64
WH 68
M 44 yrs
OW - 64 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09 DD2 11/20/2019
LTA 20 years
Confused: heading to separate

posts: 993   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2009
id 8480881
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 5:04 PM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

I'll join you in the soup kitchen.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8481281
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steph ( member #11564) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, December 14th, 2019

Just catching up with posts. Sorry we are all here.

Me BS
Him WS
LTA 14 yrs as far as I know

posts: 2445   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2006
id 8482469
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

I can't stop wondering what he is getting her for christmas.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8484515
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 3:36 AM on Thursday, December 19th, 2019

I WAS a devoted girlfriend, then was fooled into becoming his wife.e for 11 years, in total.

Dated for 3 years, married for almost 7 now.

UNTIL I discovered he’d been with someone else for 14 years!

I can’t relate to that type of betrayal, but can to the wife who was 150% devoted & faithful.

Still married, but just settling.

Marriage is different now, but I’ve grown stronger.

Still need support though.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8484854
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 2:48 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2019

Marlita, so sorry you're here.

So he was with her the entire time you dated and married? Is it an active affair still? How did you find out?

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8485028
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:22 AM on Sunday, December 29th, 2019

My husband cheated for 10 years in various ways. His grand finale was a 5 year affair - he thought he was in love.

It has been 19 months and it feels so fresh, so raw. I am changed. I am lost.

How do you reconcile the betrayal and lies with the man in front of you who wants to reconcile? How Can you think about stepping into the future with the one person on this earth who has has hurt you more than anyone in the world? Why can’t you bear to end it when the love you once had is only a memory?

I want to think of myself as a strong person. But I haven’t been able to make that final decision.

My head says let it go. 10 years of turning away from you, of loving others, of not picking or fighting for you. Don’t be stupid.

hope says. What if......

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8488760
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deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 5:34 PM on Sunday, December 29th, 2019

Tall girl-don’t rush yourself into any decisions. Don’t seat not making decisions either. We take as long as we need. If it takes you five years to decide it’s a deal breaker-it’s okay. If it takes a day, that’s okay also. We need as much time as we need.

Nofun-I would definitely be speaking to an attorney and if he is be getting a shark if a lawyer at that. To hell with him. If he can see the pain he caused you before and do it again? You deserve so much better.

I hope you all had a great Christmas in spite of our situations.

It will be nice to see the back of this decade. I would say heat but in this thread it’s the decade for most of us and more for a lot. Hopefully the 2020’s will bring clarity, peace, happiness, joy, good health and faithfulness. Here’s to owning the 2020’s for ourselves.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3774   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8488913
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, December 30th, 2019

Short background I recently (2 months ago) confirmed my WS long term affair. Since DDay it’s been weekly finding of trickle truths...and each time it hurts more and more. He says he has told me everything now. I know I will never know for sure if he had other affairs. He says no. In my mind I want to know details....I ask and I get silence, I don’t know or I don’t remember. His affair was years ago but I just found out now.

I have all of the AP contact information and also know of 1 outside person he shared the truth of the affair with. Please talk me out of contacting them to confirm his story, I know I shouldn’t but part of me wants to believe he is finally being truthful and I know they both have the answers.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8489270
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 9:59 PM on Monday, December 30th, 2019

So sorry you are here.

has the affair truly ended? How long was the affair?

WIll they tell you the truth?

One thing I regret is reaching out to his AP the first time around. She completely ignored my messages,and I feel like an idiot for having sent them. She also recently liked a post of mine on social media, then convinced my WS that I made it all up.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8489440
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, December 31st, 2019

WhyAgainWhyHer,

Thank you.

Yes; he was with her from the very beginning...before our beginning!

The trust is destroyed, so who knows if he’s still with her or not.

I don’t believe a word he says, but the weird thing is that I don’t really care.

He knows that he’s lost the best of me.

I can never come back from that and am pretty much just biding my time.

That alone is killing him.

From being 150% devoted... he made the choice of throwing it away,

Now, we have moved to our beach house, and I don’t have to work!

For now, I’m just playing along.

I no longer ask him him if I can do things, I just do it.

How did I find out?

I told him I was going to go out for a minute & came back into the house & saw her name on his phone calling him.

I lost it!

He admitted everything....if he actually really did, I’ll never know.

Honestly, the man who I thought I married has died to me.

I really mourned about it.

There are ZERO physical memories left.

I’ve destroyed them all!

I’ve definitely become very distant & have cut him out of many parts of my life....i.e social media, removed all photos from my page, threw away any triggers to what we had.

He’s suffering because I included him in everything.

Now...I’m very selective in what I share.

I’m still am & have since been faithful.

Karma will get him!

posts: 55   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8489578
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, December 31st, 2019

Marlita, I am so sorry.

I will never understand an LTA

It kind of sounds like your WH is upset for not being included rather than remorse for the A.

Does he understand what he has done and how it is a life crusher to you?

Hugs

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8489691
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deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, December 31st, 2019

Marita. Sorry you are here. Unfortunately we all know how you are feeling.

I agree that it sounds like he isn’t remorseful and just upset he was caught and has destroyed his m. Now he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

If you can trust this other person who knew, personally I would ask. And then after getting the info I would want to know why they didn’t tell you. I wanted to know every detail and I was lied to about the whole thing when I first found out. By both my wh and the ap-who I knew.-for years.

The a didn’t continue but the lies did. I had to uncover the truth myself.

Is it over now? Did your wh go nc?

Of course if you are biding time and not interested in r, implementing the 180 is your best course of action. I’m glad you are taking control of your life.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3774   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8489700
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 9:08 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

I don't think LTA's ever end, personally.

We had a huge fight NYE. I told him I know he's still cheating. He basically told me I could believe whatever I wanted, and walked off. We haven;t spoken since. He's avoiding me.

God, I wish I could get his phone again!

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8490685
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:19 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

Why,

I think most LTA's do end, I think we just don't know when that happens or when will it. (same as the start of them). And who knows what is true anymore?

I do know that M's can end any time you chose.

LTA's scar the BSs (maybe some WSs). The longer they go on, the deeper the scar.

big hugs

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8490689
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 9:57 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

God, I wish I could get his phone again!

It doesn't matter anymore since she left, but the 1 or 2 months before I lost interest in looking. I don't think I would've seen anything new anyways. I'm glad I had lost interest, because obsessively looking and her not changing/caring really was painful.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8490703
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:33 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

I am an obsessive thinker about his cheating. Wish I could stop but it is harder done.

Anyone here on meds to tone down the mental merry go round?

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8490713
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 4:07 AM on Friday, January 3rd, 2020

Oh that part of me hasn't changed, I still think about it a lot. Mostly how much I miss the person I love, not so much the cheating or the woman she's become or revealed she's always been (or whatever). It hits the hardest when I have a free moment where my mind wonders. I probably could stand to use some drugs lol, but I don't take anything.

I got out of the habit of snooping/phone checking/etc I think because I started doing other things to occupy my mind.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8490830
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WhyAgainWhyHer ( member #63795) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, January 3rd, 2020

If I'm not thinking about him cheating, I am wondering about her. Unfortunately, her social media is locked down and I can't see anything. I need to do something to get off this roller coaster.

posts: 233   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018
id 8490978
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 4:16 PM on Friday, January 3rd, 2020

I only know his Facebook and it's mostly set to friends only. But I blocked him nonetheless...and I unfriended a few of WW's friends because his ugly mug would occasionally show up on my time line because of group photos that had him. It's not like I'm going to have anything to do with those people in the future now anyways.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8491010
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