SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HeHadADoubleLife, I recommend that you give online dating a chance. Most people don't like doing it, but dating is a numbers game, and online is where the numbers are. Avoiding it and just waiting for the rare man to fall into your lap in real life as recently happened, can lead you to hope and invest too much in the wrong person, which seems to be what happened here.

You're doing great with your healing and growing, and you handled your most recent misadventure well. Just wanted to add a bit of advice.

Thanks, morninglory!

Honestly, one of my biggest fears in online dating is that my ex will show up in the feeds. We live far too close to each other for comfort.

That doesn't mean I don't also have other hang ups about it, I definitely do. That's just the biggest deterrent as of right now.

A friend has recently suggested that I potentially meet with a match maker. That kind of service is appealing to an extent, but the money being exchanged for it thing is touchy. Given my ex's history with using escort services, I don't know, it hits really close to home.

It's strange, I don't have hang ups about women paying for match making, but maybe because I attribute more "good intentions" to women when dating. Whereas I'm automatically assuming that a guy who is willing to pay for that service is also willing to pay for other things, if you know what I mean.

But I'm sure there are women out there who just use matchmaking services as a way to rope in sugar daddies, so that's obviously my own personal issue.

Sadly, the romantic in me also feels let down by the idea that I would have to meet someone via an online dating market place. There's something very unnerving about being one of many who were "swiped" on. Like I was just one of many steaks out in the grocery aisle, and yeah, they did a little inspection to pick me out, but ultimately it could have just as easily been another steak they took home that day.

I know it's really not that different from how you meet people out in real life. I mean when I used to go out to bars with girlfriends in my 20s, I was mentally "swiping" on people, for sure. The whole online thing just feels incredibly disconnected from reality. Which is funny, considering that I would say I've definitely made friends online via this support group, as well as other online groups surrounding hobbies, topics of interest etc. I've just only made friends with women, it feels safer that way I guess.

HeHadADoubleLife, be careful about paying for matchmaking services. They are often very poorly reviewed, particularly by women. Comb through the reviews carefully before paying.

With online dating, one nice thing is that you can quickly block anyone who you don't want to interact with. Don't avoid it just because of your ex. You can easily block him, and you don't need to worry about what he thinks, because "everyone" online dates these days, and he shouldn't be surprised that you're getting into dating again. Don't let him limit your prospects. even via your own mind.

Avoid eHarmony, which in my experience isn't what it used to be. It's expensive with few people on it. The less expensive sites seem to work better, simply because more people will pay a little for online dating than will pay a lot for online dating. That's likely why you'll find so many bad reviews of matchmakers, because they're so expensive, how many men are going to shell out for that?

Dating is numbers. There are potentially right people out there in the crowd, but you have to get into the crowd to find them.

[This message edited by morningglory at 3:15 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]

Good for you OOL! Sounds like you were primed for a great night

HHADL,

You’re braver than me, my dating and romantic relationships days are over

My picker is obviously broken, so I will no longer expend any energy on it

I hope you find a wonderful partner

Good Afternoon Goddesses!

May I ask you something?

Do you ever just don’t was to even think about infidelity and all it brings with it?

I go in waves.

Lately? Nope, not interested in rehashing any of it

I do go in waves. Before it took all my time and energy. Now I have moments of being sick and tired of the topic and I take a break, but after a while another wave comes...
Life sucks after infidelity 😕

Naamah
I totally agree life sucks after infidelity
My mind is consumed with what happened
I think about it even when I sleep
I can’t enjoy the things I used to
Everywhere I go I see women who look like the AP
I hate my xWH and the AP so much
They are out there having fun and laughing while I am suffering

Everywhere I go I see women who look like the AP

The same here. Even if she lives in a different town... but because it's not so far away (about 30-40 minutes of travelling) and I know she occasionally visits our town, so I can 'see' her everywhere. It's exhausting.

My mind is consumed with what happened

With what happened and my image of what happened. Also with an attempt to understand why he broke our long relationship and our family for someone he had known for just three weeks. I know it had nothing to do with me or even with her, but that doesn't really help.

I think about it even when I sleep

Not anymore, but there were some nights when WH woke me up because I cried in my sleep.

I hate my xWH and the AP so much
They are out there having fun and laughing while I am suffering

We decided to go with R. My WH is full of remorse and tries hard (although he is not able to offer me everything I need - at least for now). He was with me in the hardest moments, he saw my pain and tried to bring relief, he patiently endured my attacks of anger, mood swings and the whole range of unpleasantness associated with these events, so I believe he paid his price. Thanks to this, the negative feelings towards him have subsided, but I hate AP a lot. There were no consequences for her so I have no sense of justice. I try to believe that karma will come back to her someday and that she will understand what harm she has done. On a daily basis it helps to think that she is not worth my energy and space in my head, although I admit that sometimes it is easier said than done.

I don't know your story, but I would advise you to take care of yourself. Do something you've never done and always wanted to. Change your hairstyle, go to the gym or yoga, or start running, change your wardrobe, pimp yourself. When you see yourself in the mirror, smile and say aloud that you are beautiful, smart, talented, wonderful and special - because that's how you are! There is no better revenge on xWH than showing him that you do and look better without him! I keep my fingers crossed for you! 😊🤞 Good luck!🌷

I hate my xWH and the AP so much

I hate them for a whole other reason too.

I wish that they had stayed together and left me alone. I could have moved on with my life.

Instead my stbxwh decided a bs reconciliation was in his best interests, not mine.

I have decided that as WH has turned my days and nights into a 24 / 7 revolving nightmare, that I am never ever going to let him have another days peace ever.

Why should I suffer alone.

And anyway the exAP told WH, when he gave her the flick, that he is never going to be happy, As I wouldn’t let him. What a dumbass! She’s such a prophet. The fact that she gave her own ex hell when he left her for ow, she’s well experienced in not letting anyone else ever be happy. I am sure she thought that her dumbass was the key to happiness.

Revenge on the AP...

What did you do?

I so want it. But I wont because I am a better person than that. But I see her now with someone else and all happy... it irritates me to no end.. there is no justice.. She never paid for the stuff she did... She knew he was married and had children....

Its so hard to let it go... Anyway what did you ladies do? I would love to hear them!

what did you ladies do? I would love to hear them!

I'm not sure if you can call it revenge, because my intentions were different at first, besides what I did just caused OW a bit of stress, so rather incomparable to what was given to me.

I created a page on instagram. It was supposed to give OW a chance for reflection and apologies - naive me! Due to the fact that instead of an apology, I received insults, the page changed a lot. I used my knowledge of OW and A to hurt her. Everything in a beautiful graphic design. With each post I had more fun and she grew more aggressive and scared. In the end, I calmly and intelligently unfolded her and removed the page, so that the first and last sentences were mine as well. OW, on the other hand, deleted all (and she had a lot) long-term social accounts, thus doing me a favor, as her activity on them made me obsessed.

Not sure was it a revenge. I could have made her real problems using social media, but I didn't. I choose more discreet and less invasive way, however I do know for sure that she will remember me 😁

I actually feel bad for the last AP

She was trying to get pregnant by my husband because her husband had survived testicular cancer, no longer fertile

I had a long bout of infertility too, so could see the rationale behind her motivation.

She also looked forward to being a stepmother to my infant son. She and WH actually discussed that after one of their sex sessions

My revenge is denying her that

Revenge on the AP...

I haven’t had to do a thing.

The exAP is now working in her new man’s business. Her own beauty therapy business is caput. Karma.

So when WH mentioned that he was considering putting Solar panels on the house, I told him directly that if he should use, XYZ Company, I will be there for a quiet chat with the new guy to fill him in on the secret catch ups in car parks WH and exAP had recently.

Dumbass WH was as white as a sheet when I mentioned this.

I haven’t had to stalk anyone, the dumbass new bf sent WH a message trying to drum up business. I just put 2 and 2 together. Why the sudden interest in Solar panels?

I am going to be a subtle thorn in their side for quite sometime.

Ok I am nearly 4 years out and still have uncomfortable moments. My ex took his AP to this fancy area in Toronto. I have always wanted to go there. I am finally going next week.

I feel a little freaked out, I guess I can’t not see the pictures of them there holding hands and looking in love.

Funny how some things don’t go away.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:58 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

I haven't done anything because they were the ones that made a mess out of several families & now those families aren't really interested in having them around.

I did look up a few places where you can have an anonymous package of poop mailed to their address. It sounds good, but they'd know I sent it. XWH is getting married next month to his new schmoopie. Maybe a wedding gift? LOL.

Hi All, trying to make sense of my life and the current status of my marriage. WH claims all is good and he made a terrible mistake etc etc, however what my gut tells me is that far from being a mistake, he actually liked having a mistress and a wife and ideally he would like me to go back to not knowing so that he can carry on as before. He doesn’t want to leave me or give up AP. Is it possible for him to love two people at once? I have no proof this is what he is trying to achieve, just a whole heap of times he seems to be trying to manipulate me into believing his EA/PA never happened when in the past he has admitted it. He ended up in Accident & Emergency at weekend and because I still love him, I sat till the early hours at hospital to be there for him. He did seem incredibly loving the next day and for a few days after however he slowly seems to be shifting back to selfish him again. i tried soft version of 180 and it made things worse. Any one else had this scenario?

Gracey, a mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk when you're at the store. An A is thousands of conscious decisions to betray the spouse. Think of ALL the lying and deceit that took place...those are all conscious decisions.

What he's doing is what is called cake eating. He wants his cake and to eat it, too.

Unless he really digs deep and wants to change, he isn't going to change. I'm guessing that he's between 55-60, and his personality is pretty much set.

[This message edited by leafields at 2:42 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

I admit it, being married sucks

I got two amazing children out of it

But that’s all

So what’s the point?

Isn’t being alone better than being with an asshole?

Isn’t being alone better than being with an asshole?

For me, it is. I'm so much happier than I had been in the last 15 years or better. Thankfully, I make enough to live on by myself.

Thankful that I no longer have to walk on eggshells to try to please somebody who is never happy. I won't have to go through a narc discard phase from him ever again! My kids are adults, with the youngest still at home with me, and we all get along & have fun as a family without having to incorporate the emotional vampire that is my XWH.

We used to watch this TV show called What We Do In the Shadows & one of the characters was an emotional vampire. We'd be laughing at it, and I'd be thinking, "Dude, that is so you!"