SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I tried to post a pic and it no worky for me. Boooooo.

Scooby SO glad you're doing ok. Well... As ok as you can possibly be under the circumstances. You're amazing!

I told you the coloring books were awesome LOL I might need to buy one for myself too.

Therapy last night and I was kind of a mess all evening. V weepy. I am over it already. Sigh. And for right now that fucking bastard has also ruined weekends. I have 4 day weekend and not looking forward to it. Too much down time. Have a to do list that I'm going to get through but it isn't enough for four days.

ETA: good news (possibly). I got my second round of bloodwork back and that one came back HSV negative. My doc wants to retest in Dec & Mar, but is looking like first one was a false positive (which after googling, apparently happens quite a lot). So, hoping that was the case.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 6:56 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Happy FUCKING Thursday!

Scooby - girl you sound bad ass and bullet proof! Walk into that court room like you fucking own the place.

gmc94 I'm doing the happy dance while drinking my coffee. My own coloring book!!!!! Woo hoo! I am FUCKING AWESOME. Now I'm going to get me some glitter pens and have a fucking ball.

Tallgirl go to the store any way you damn well please. If it is WalMart you will still be one of the best dressed there

Ellie, so glad the test came back negative!

How does neurofeedback work?

TG, I like the German version, too. I've always been partial to the German language.

I still can't post a pic. 😡

Great update Scooby!

Ellie, I'm so happy that it seems your HSV test was a false positive! It happens so often, I'm glad you got retested to be sure.

Adult coloring books are awesome!

However, many of them are so detailed that I can get bogged down by all of the tiny little areas I have to color, so I actually prefer children's ones

The swearing ones I would make an exception for though!

Putting in my vote for the other languages: I know the French version looks like a mouthful, but when said correctly it actually rolls off the tongue pretty easily, and it literally translates to "Go get yourself fucked" (or how we might say, Go fuck yourself!). But the phrasing of Go get yourself fucked makes me laugh

Je m'en fous (fous here being a conjugation of foutre) is a very informal way of saying "I don't care" in everyday French, which in actuality translates to "I don't give a fuck"

The French have so much slang that is related to fucking and masturbating it's pretty funny... they really don't give a fuck.

Re: Tattoos... you can find a ton of great hand lettering examples on Etsy and Pinterest... Bet if you find some artwork you like on Etsy, you can pay the seller to make you a custom graphic!

I like this one

I feel like unfuckwithable might be our mental status goal:

Also found this one approximately two weeks before DDay... I was definitely waiting for the ultimate fuckening:

BTDT, got the t-shirt... BWz thread group tee?

I have a wicked hair cut...Bob cut, higher at the back than the front, & dyed Deep Garnet, I FUCKING love it 😊

My nose is pierced..little studded diamond 💎

I’ve also got loads of Tattoos, 11 up to now, with a full leg piece in progress of butterflies & elephants, having a waterfall done on Friday 13th...super excited 😆 never been a lover of art but I do love body art 😘

I ADORE you from that description! Yes girl!

I had that same hair cut, Scooby. Not Deep Garnet, though. I would love to be that daring.

However, had to stop wearing that hair cut (Bob...short in back...longer in front) as the front of the bob pointed directly to my flabby neck area. "Hey, everyone, look right here at Milkshakes icky neck".

SisterMilkshake - Wear any kind of style you want. If anyone says that tell them "Now look at Milkshake's middle finger"

I've been debating a sassy bob style. I've been long [1/2 way down back], blonde, straight 95% of my life. Ok the blonde is slightly enhanced for the past ~15 now due to it losing dimension post having my 2nd child - but it is naturally dirty blonde.

I've had every hair color you can think of at one point or another, except blonde. I would only look good in platinum and that is way too much maintenance for me. Currently is a deep purple - actually about the same color as the border on this page... huh. Maybe subconscious picked that on purpose?

Tats and piercings yesssss. I'm at 23 tattoos and counting (next one is going to say 'I am enough' in gallifreyan, though I may have to get a swear word now too), and quite a few piercings as well.

And I so wish I could post pics - Chaos I found a coffee mug that says 'I run on caffeine, curse words, and chaos' I think you need that!

EllieKMAS -OMG - where did you find that because I may need it ASAP!

And for those curious - one tat on Chaos. Small.

On my bikini line. Got at 18 and no regrets. Contemplating [loosely] getting something small on the other side for balance.

So far I've contemplated: the lotus flower, a small symbol for each of my kids (but then that will be 2 on 1 side and 1 on the other...), sea shell(s) (not sure which one but if plural the same issue with being unbalanced). Perhaps I should just go with the word FUCK all fancy embellished

Scooby - Thanks for checking in! So glad to hear you are doing okay as you can be. You are so strong!

Ellie - Woo hoo on the test results! Hope that really was a false positive, what a relief.

Neurofeedback is basically a form of treatment that they use for ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, etc that teaches your brain to react differently. They do an EEG where they test your brain waves/make a map and hold that up against "normative" brain scans. Where there are aberrations tells the doctor what kinds of issues/reactions your brain has to certain situations. Then the therapy consists of 30 minute sessions of brain workouts (attached to sensors) where you are re-training your brain. Sounds interesting. At this point, I'll give anything a try.

It's ironic, my WH was extremely frugal, to the point of not liking vacations because of the cost, even though we could definitely afford them. His A has cost us 1000s of dollars between therapy for each of us, for both of us, my intensive, his intensive and now this. We could have gone to Fiji for this price if he'd kept his dick in his pants.

Anyone ever just want to give up? I kinda want to stop my IC, any MC, everything. I'm exhausted. I just want to feel NORMAL again. And I'm pissed that it seems like that may never happen.

Fuck cheaters. Fuck Thursdays. Fuck it all!

ETA: That's where I want my tattoo Chaos - bikini line. I like the French go fuck yourself. Fitting for that area if only my WH will see it.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:04 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

@Chaos - I saw it on amazon and immediately thought of you LOL

@TX - I snorted at 'could've gone to fiji'... omg. Coulda done a lot of things if not for this. I get what you're saying about normal though. Even with D looming ahead, I don't feel normal. Told my therapist that last night, that I feel like my thoughts and myself aren't my own anymore. I want to feel like they are. But then things like today, I saw a girl that kinda reminded me of AP and just immediately heart pounding, hands shaking, nauseous. Ugh. I look forward to times when that doesn't happen as much, cus right now is almost daily. Le sigh.

ETA - thanks for the thumbs up on test results... my doc did say that since I had one + and one - that I should "practice safe sex until I get the all clear"... I just laughed and told her the LAST fucking thing I want is a dick anywhere near me right now. Ew.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 12:11 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

I just laughed and told her the LAST fucking thing I want is a dick anywhere near me right now.

I just spit my coffee

I also just ordered that mug

Yes Chaos, that mug literally had your name on it!!

Yeah, my doc cracked up at that too

Anyone ever just want to give up? I kinda want to stop my IC, any MC, everything. I'm exhausted. I just want to feel NORMAL again. And I'm pissed that it seems like that may never happen.

all the time. Been a particularly bad couple of weeks and I can't put my finger on it. Trying to get back into some routines to see if that's helping me feel "off". I don't know what my normal will ever look like again. Right now it's pretty much wake up to uncontrollable shaking and all the other PTSD symptoms that I cannot seem to shake (no pun intended). I don't like my new trauma guy so I'm in the market for someone new. Think I'll just stick with the women for now.

I have a couple of tats from age 18 - one on my chest that I do regret (I've not felt comfortable wearing low cut things bc it's visible). A couple months after dday I got this baby:

I'm not sure if the "translation" is accurate or not, but it's basically the only way forward is through. I love it.

Ellie - Ugh. I hate those physiological reactions that we have no control over. Trauma brain is so FUCKING unfair! This whole neurofeedback thing is supposed to be VERY helpful for this specifically. There was some research done with veterans and they had some extremely good results in lessening or eliminating PTSD symptoms. I'll keep you posted.

GMC - It's so frustrating when we don't KNOW how to help ourselves move forward or even what is hurting us, like a dull ache you can't make go away. I hope you find a good trauma person and soon! I love that tattoo!

I just love hearing about y'all's hair. Seems weird, but you get such a better picture of people! Mine is extremely boring. I'm not a risk taker. Never have been. Long (as in down to lower back) medium brown hair. Used to be VERY thick and beautiful but now most of it is on my bathroom floor (word to the wise, when building a house with a cheating husband don't make your bathroom white - your hair loss will be that much more disturbing and visible - especially in the all white shower) because of this shitstorm of the affair and my lying WH. I also haven't cut it in almost a year as the last time I went in to my hairdresser that I'd been seeing for 10 years, he washed my hair, started brushing it out, and then a dude walked in and HE LEFT ME WITH WET HAIR TO GO CUT THIS OTHER DUDE'S HAIR! On top of that he was having a conversation and bashing political figures. I already knew his politics but had long since stopped discussing them so that I could still be around him. It was a two strike day and I walked out with wet hair and haven't been back. But dang if it isn't hard to find someone who can do a good job! I've got a new person on the books for two weeks. Maybe I'll get some blue streaks!

I just got back from my IC. We decided to go down to 1x/month. I'm actually really good with that. I'm stagnating in IC. I don't have any problems right now except for the fact that my WH is a lying liar who lies. I have no control over that. So I'm going to focus on me. My school, guitar lessons, my friends, my kids. And the neurofeedback of course. My WH didn't want me to stop my IC, but I think it's the best thing for me! It's been 2.5 years of weekly IC and I think I've gotten all I need from her.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 2:49 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

There was some research done with veterans and they had some extremely good results in lessening or eliminating PTSD symptoms.

So ironic that stbxWH is a veteran that sorely needs PTSD treatment and has refused to do anything about it in the whole time we've been together... and then on his way out he passes me PTSD. Worst. present. ever.

Worst. present. ever.

Asshat. If only you could re-gift that shit to him, the OW, or ANY of our OWs.

Ahhhh...normal. I would wake in the morning and for a split second I would feel normal. Then, I would remember. Oh, yeah, he betrayed me. HE. BETRAYED. ME. Of all the people in the world, you chose to betray me. I thought I was going to die of sadness and humiliation.

Womenz, I didn't find SI until eight months post d-day. I told no one except: our MC and our local morning radio broadcaster during one of his broadcast shows. I was desperate to have someone to talk to other than counselors about all this.

I literally do not remember much of those eight months, but especially the summer. I feel I was very traumatized. I only had very brief bouts of anger (very unusual for me). Mostly, I was so sad. Just. So. Fucking. Sad. I cried all the time. At any time. Why am I the only one bawling in cars sitting in traffic? Why am I the only one crying whilst walking the aisles of Target? Am I the only one that has been so brutally betrayed?

I will say my FWH was really surprised at how I reacted on d-day. He thought for sure full blown, fiesty, angry, fire brand, Irish tempered (named after a nun and I have three saintly first names) Milkshake was going to kick him to the curb that very night. D-day actually happened during dinner. With DS12 sitting there, although, we were speaking in code. So.Fucking. Surreal. From the very start as I received a letter from the grave, from a zombie, I guess.

Well, FWH was no more surprised than I was when we continued discussions in our bedroom and we wound up having the best, ferocious, crazy fucking sex that we hadn't had in a long time. (Ummmmm like maybe FUCKING 7-8 fucking years!) That didn't mean I was going to reconcile, though. Didn't know what I wanted to do for a few weeks, at least.

This is getting way longer than I had anticipated and don't know if you want to know my journey to "normal". Actually, I can't write about my journey to normal because 1. it would be a book 2. I ain't normal 3. but feel normal again. KWIM? Maybe not. See #2.

Anyway, found SI. My healing, our healing, our reconciliation, went into high gear. I had found my anger about 6-8 months. Right about the same time I found SI. I thought maybe FWH and I would be superstars and heal quicker than the 2-5 year time line. Naw, it probably took me all of 5 years to heal and to feel like life was "normal" again.

Things for us are back to normal. That doesn't mean that some things haven't changed because they have. But, life feels normal again. I do believe that most everyone that works on their healing, whether divorcing or reconciling, will feel normal again.

All this to let you know, dear womenz, you will feel normal again. It takes time and healing. Life will be normal, it will have all the colours.

I had similar thoughts SisterMilkshake - he did this to me. TO ME!!!! I'm the whole fucking package and he did THIS? TO ME? With HER?!?!? EVEN AFTER GETTING CAUGHT ONCE BY HIS OWN DAUGHTER.

OK - calm down Chaos.

I found out my WH had a 3 year fucking affair and an hour later found out my mother had lung tumors. And had a teen that was imploding and exploding all at once. I found SI around Month 4.

I started healing. I learned what HB was [because while I couldn't understand it I sure as heck enjoyed the fuck out of it - see what I did there]. I and other SI veterans truly thought WH was doing the work. And my R was going well. Then BAM! I learned of Broken NC and a few weeks later it was all a fucking lie and he went underground with that Donut Whore. AND...SI held me up. And kept me that way.

And me being veritably perfect was not enough. Because HE was the one who couldn't handle my awesomeness and had to go slumming to feel good about himself. Had to find a stale ass Donut Whore at the bottom of an old rusted out dumpster. Nothing makes you feel so damn good. He may have had to crane his neck waaaaayyyyyy up for Chaos - but he didn't have to look down far for a Donut Whore. Who told him it was OK to be a bottom feeder. And his insecure ass believed it. Bottom feeding is easy after all - as long as you aren't too picky.

I'll never forget the night after my last Panic Attack sent me to ER this spring and I looked at him all sedated and numb and said "get help or get out" and was fully prepared to live in a box. He has been to weekly [bi weekly those first few weeks] IC ever since. And I can finally see changes - not the changes just enough to placate me like before - but real changes. I can see the difference now. Well...maybe that is the Rx I finally started taking.

I don't know if I will ever feel normal. Because there is nothing normal about this. And normal is scary. I thought normal was good but he was cheating. I thought we were getting back to normal but he was just underground. Normal scares the Hell out of me.

I would like to feel good. At times I do and am afraid. I want to see those colors again. I liked them. They were bright and sparkly. I could trust in them. Now they are just varying shades of gray. That's OK for now. I don't want that to be forever. I'm glad you see those colors SisterMilkshake. I'm glad to know they come back. I miss them.

Thank you for the insight SM & Chaos... I have always known I wasn't "normal". TBH I don't think anyone really is, just some people are better at hiding their weirdness. I like my weirdness - it is what makes me, ME.

Part of my struggle here is that I have completely lost track of who I was. I didn't think I had, but I did. It's going to be a process to find that again. Part of it too (and no worries, I am NOT even looking to date right now) is that I worry that I was so fucked up before this with FOO issues, now I'm even more fucked up. Who will ever be able to deal with that? Pair that with the fact that I always wanted kids and wasted my child-bearing years on someone who did this to me... Lawdy, I just don't even know how to start getting over that mental hurdle yet.

I am not a patient person, so I am trying to counsel myself that there's no hurrying it, but

I want my colors back too. I feel like my entire mental landscape is just a burned out post-apocalyptic wasteland. The only parts that do have colors are the burning remnants of the life I thought I had and it hurts too much to look at them too closely right now.

All of that to say - I don't want to be "normal" but I am weary of the fucking PTSD and the flashbacks, and the shame over HB, and fucking all of it.

I seriously know now why you hear news stories about women who were perfectly fine and just snapped. Bet you dollars to donutwhores that their partner pulled some shit like this. And then did the gaslighting bullshit and yeah.

I know this still over a week away, but I am so nervous about him coming to get his stuff.