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I think she is doing things to try to make you angry. It's very methodical.

You need to get a var and carry it on you at all times. You are a prime candidate for a false DV charge.

Also,someone suggested to PM some of the WW's on here. Please dont do that. First, you are in a very vulnerable situation. Second, I highly doubt their betrayed husbands would be comfortable with that. Third, if you want to speak to a wayward wife,you can start a thread in the general forum.

Oh..she's pushing you to get a job,because her attorney probably told her she would be paying you alimony and child support, given you've been a SAHD.

This woman is not in a fog. She knows exactly what she's doing. All you are doing,by writing these letters, is giving her ammunition to continue to abuse you. Stop. She managed to have an affair without your help. She managed to pull off months of lies,alibis,and deception. Without your help. She can figure out what she needs to do to attempt reconciliation. She doesnt want to.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:09 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Bahama, I think it was good for you to write the letter for you, but I don’t think you should send it. She’s not ready to hear it, and it reinforces how much you value a relationship that she seems indifferent to currently. She doesn’t deserve that insight.

Also, I have a hard time believing that a healthcare professional is as tone deaf to inter-personal relationship dynamics as she currently seems. Is it possible she’s attempting to goad you into filing for D? It certainly seems that way to me as a third party.

My W told me that the one thing that I said that had the most impact was "I have to divorce you." I knew that I had come to the end of my rope and I meant it.

She became a new person from that day forward.

While writing the letter is a proven therapeutic task, I don't think you should send it.

It's too long and rambling - in her state of mind where she dismisses even simple statements it's not likely to have any impact.

Also, even acknowledging your anger may be used later against you in divorce court or a custody hearing.

I think her accusing you of 'anger' is a red flag and things are escalating in her mind. She may accuse you of domestic abuse next. She's living in another world of her own making.

Maybe you should carry a VAR when interacting with her. Maybe you need to sleep in the guest bedroom (rather than separating) and stop trying to reason with her or nice her back.

VAR her car in an effort to identify 'who' she is turning to for advice.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:19 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

I am in agreement about not giving her the letter. Keep it in your journal so you can refer back to it at a later date. Keep the journal and anything affair and divorce related in a secure place.

Please do get a VAR to carry with you at all times. She has proven to be calculating and you don’t need a DV charge.

Do nothing about the job postings including discussing them with her. You have been a SAHD and your children have truly benefited from your loving care. You have earned the alimony that she will have to pay you.

Take care of yourself.

I keep trying to respond, but I just get more and more angry for you. I was trying to be gentle with what I'm about to say, but instead all I can manage is being blunt. In advance, I'm sorry.

You are refusing to admit that she does NOT want to R, her attempt at staying had to do with what her lawyer told her, and you keep trying to make excuses for her.

I don't know why you would tell her to get the dog!! You should have said, "If you get a dog, you'll also get divorce papers".

At this time Bahama, you've chosen to accept her bullshit. You're choosing to try to nice her back. You're choosing to keep talking to a brick wall. For your sake and your sanity, I hope you can start taking our responses to heart. We are here to help you and we know it hurts. We know it's hard to say goodbye. Right now, it's either accept your marriage as is with it getting worse for you with more disrespect or you move forward with leaving this marriage.

Making an appointment to look at puppies and sending you job adverts speaks volumes about how little respect she has for you right now. I'm staggered by her callous selfishness. She's full of self righteous arrogance. I fear she's a lost cause as far as R is concerned the way things stand now. Sadly I think you need to start putting things in motion to protect yourself.

Bahama, when you confronted your wife and asked her it admit the affair, she refused. She has no respect for you. all the other things she has refused or slow walked, she has no respect for you, She has suggested you separate, that you get a job, that she needs another dog, She has no respect for you. She wants you to still be the bad guy and file for divorce, she has no respect for you.She has seen you crushed and weeping, she has no respect for you. If you hate the affair, burn it down, tell your wife to move out, file for divorce, tell her she is no longer the prize, get tough, get angry, tell her you are done.

...her attempt at staying had to do with what her lawyer told her...

If her lawyer had told her "No problem, you can just throw Bahama out on the street and keep your house, your kids and all your money", That is exactly what would have happened on day one.

You completely blew up her first plan. It sounds like she's trying to put that trajectory back into action as best she can. If she can get you mad enough to leave, she can try to claim abandonment or some bullshit. It might just still be fog, but don't bet your future on it.

Heed the advice. She is not your ally right now. Protect yourself. A VAR is your friend. Have 2 or 3. One on you all the time.

Whatever her strategy is, don't count on it making any sense or taking you into consideration at all.

Your vacay doesn't involve boats, does it? Or rappelling?

We're all wishing the best for you.

Sorry to hear about the latest development Bahama. Her current actions are not in line with someone trying to reconcile. I'm not sure if she is trying to sabotage recovery because she is clueless, or because she doesn't really want to reconcile. Either way her actions are incredibly callous and selfish.

I still think you are handling this as well as possible. Stay strong and you will get through this.

Bahama,

Looks like that "horse" is still not drinking.....

She may even die of thirst!

I do not mean to make light of your situation. I know it sucks to be where you are.

180 and detach, it will help you see things with clarity. Your WW may even notice the change in your behavior and pull her head out of her butt. Don't count on it though.

I am of the opinion that you should not send the letter, but keep it just for you at this time.

If a new puppy comes onto the scene, your children will love it. You strike me as a guy that will love anything that will bring your kids happiness.

This will be a problem with you and WW if that puppy makes an appearance. I can see your wife using this to justify her selfish behavior, and further using this instance to control and manipulate you.

Bahama:

No to the letter. Not only no, but hell no.

You want to send her something?

Text her this:

"Every action you take will either move the needle towards reconciliation or divorce. A new dog will definitely be the latter."

Her choice will then tell you all you need to know...well, let me rephrase that. You already should have seen enough to he sick and tired of being sick and tired. It should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

STOP DRAGGING HER INTO RECONCILIATION.

Go your own way, Bahama, it the distinguished and honorable fashion that makes you...you. She will follow...or she won't.

Until you are absolutely 1000% triple dog dare sure she is totally on board with Team Bahama, your letter just provides information to her that she can use in ways that are not to your benefit.

I feel your pain, shipmate. We all do.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:35 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Great letter, full of emotions, your thoughts... but don't give it to her. She isn't remorseful, she isn't searching for ways to help you heal. She is searching for ways to blame you for the affair, for her family's disappointment, for her short comings... You've had several talks where she appears to "get it" but... later find out she's not doing any of the things she promised. When she spoke to the lawyer he explained how dire the financial situation would be. That's the reason she sent you the job announcement.

I know you want to save the marriage but you really should see a lawyer so you know where you stand.

You've sent many letters, texts, given her books, ideas on what to do. Why not try the 180 this time? Detach show her that you aren't going to spoon feed her this reconciliation. She doesn't like anger, or talking , or books or things she thinks are controlling, give her what she wants in the form of the 180 and see a lawyer.

As if I couldn't be surprised further by her actions, she just sent me another email with job postings! WTF!

Why is this a bad thing? I'm honestly confused. Assuming that at some point the two of you made a decision that you would be a SAHD, it appears as if things have now changed. Whether your WW is looking at your employment outside the home as a precursor to divorce or whether she's looking to change whatever resentments she might be nursing, it still seems likely that you'll need to look for a job at some point. Infidelity typically causes changes to the status quo. (And before anyone throws the flag on sexism, I would have the same advice for a SAHM. It's better to be in the position of choice rather than to be financially dependent on a cheater.)

Let's say you two do decide on divorce... most jurisdictions these days lean toward joint custody. It's kind of rare that a parent, who is otherwise interested and competent, is cut out of their child's life. So, let's say you get 50/50. In order to even out the income disparity, she would presumably have to pay child support and maybe even some alimony for a limited time. Her payments would be a percentage of her income, but still probably not enough to keep up your current standard of living. Hence, you'd need to work and you'd likely be in a hella-rush to find something to pay the bills in a timely manner.

OTOH, let's say you stay married and continue the SAHD thing, but she's still resentful and feeling like she's not "appreciated". This might lead to years and decades of an unfulfilling marriage, but even if she doesn't start cheating again, one day the kids will be older and she'll be in position to downsize. That might lead to a longer spate of alimony if you've remained unemployed, but again, it has become somewhat unusual for the courts to assign alimony in perpetuity, so you still might not be in a position to retire comfortably and you will have lost the opportunity to grow in a career.

I don't know that you can make assumptions regarding her intent, but what you already do know is that just a few weeks ago she was seriously debating leaving the marriage. I don't think it would be unwise to bear that in mind. You can't control anyone but you, so it's unfeasible to believe that you can somehow coerce her into becoming the kind of partner you want/deserve.

Do not send the letter. IMO all letters do is say you are to weak to express yourself. Don't go there.

You aren't in R. Hard 180 and see an attorney.

Most reputable breeders will not sell a dog into a

family knowing the dog is not wanted by the primary care provider.

Call the breeder and explain that you are a stay at home dad taking care of two kids and a dog - and another dog is not welcome at this time.

If it were me, I text back a pic of their air bnb to her. Or the decision tree. With not a word with it.

[This message edited by Bahama at 9:04 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]