SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok I think I’m ready who is gonna hit me with a 2x4 of reality.

Not me.

Shock and trauma is still going to be incoming, so no reason for me or anyone else really, to pile on.

You made your stand.

Now outline what YOU need so you can take the time (and it will take time) to decide what path you will eventually take.

Blocking numbers is nice. Offering to quit her job is nice.

But I can tell you this, it takes more time to get OUT of that fantasy bubble of an A. AP may find other ways to reach out, or burner phones, or texts via social media. Modern technology is NOT our friend. In other words, be careful, the A can be taken underground and out of sight.

Her work is key. Waking up out of the bullshit reasons she used to rationalize her shitty choices. She has to own it. All of it. Marriage can’t cause someone to choose to cheat. It takes some WS time to understand that.

Even if the A is truly over, the shock can take months to kick in.

Take care of you, eat well, sleep and nap as you can.

Counseling only works when everyone has processed enough to know what they want.

R is possible, I’ve lived it. It’s uphill both ways and takes two people to be all in.

Ain’t none of it easy.

Holding on to each other is part of the shock of it, at least that’s how I remember it.

Again, focus on what you want and need now, and hope that your wife starts the work to become a safe partner.

I know that it could absolutely continue i and I told her that I could not keep close enough tabs on her to prevent it not to mention worrying about trying to catch her. So I told her that I would trust that it was over and would not be a helicopter spouse. But if I see it again the first she will hear about me knowing is when I have her served with divorce papers and tell her whole family.

She's said a lot of words.

What has she actually DONE? Really honestly - what actions has she actually factually TAKEN?

None that I can see.

It's all well and good for her to say "I will quit my job" "I will delete social media" "I will do a, b, or c". But until she actually backs up that bollocks with quitting her job, deleting SM, or whatever all it is is some pretty words.

My xwh had what I thought was a breakthrough moment about 6 months into "R" (those air quotes are sarcastic by the way). He laid on the living room floor and s-o-b-b-e-d like a baby about how awful he had been, how stupid, how he was gonna do this and that and the other thing to fix it. Wanna guess what he did 11 days after that? He invited his little ap over to my house for a slumber party while I was out of town.

TL:DR. All you have so far is some words and some promises, neither of which mean jack or shit from a cheater. Until she actually DOES a thing, you got nothin to work with IMHO. Actions are the key.

I know that it could absolutely continue i and I told her that I could not keep close enough tabs on her to prevent it not to mention worrying about trying to catch her.

She had three weeks to pick you after you confronted her and she choose AP. That's not a good sign.

We are getting along great and happy most of the day. It just feels too normal too quick. Kinda gives me a scared feeling but not sure if I should or if it’s just the past 3 months messing with me.

Neither is that. First stage in grief is denial. It will pass. On her end, WS can be "good" for wa while without putting any work. And she hasn't had anytime to identify her brokenness never the less fix it. Eventually resentment creeps in and the WS backslides. For you the anger will take over soon enough.

Tell the OBS. It's the right thing to do, and it will be a test of your WW decision to choose you. When, because with your story it is much more likely when than if, your ww blows up at you for that you will know they are still in contact.

No 2x4. I like Ellie's words though. Actions from your WS, not words. Words mean absolutely, 100 percent, nothing, zilch, nada.

I'll say this: You left and threatened to file and what happened? She clung to you like morning dew on the lawn. Take note of that. That is what SI preaches all of the time. No pick me dance, no wavering, ABSOLUTE ZERO TOLERANCE OF YOUR CONTINUED ABUSE.

Now you took that hard line then spent the weekend sitting by a lake and enjoying "normal." I get it. It's what your broken heart wanted. But it's not real life. I know this because there a 1 zillion threads talking about how hard it is to heal and come back from this. One scary night of separated and a fun weekend isn't enough. It takes YEARS of work, honesty and resolve to get to peace.

Keep standing your ground. Make her back up those words. Accept NOTHING LESS. Detach and focus on you.

She continues to pine for the AP. Take yourself out of that bullshit (as you did). You will not compete for your wife. Stop making it so goddamn easy for her to reel you back in (ok, slight 2x4 there).

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:17 AM, Friday, August 12th]

I agree with Ellie. Always watch her actions, not her words. Is she willing to get into IC to identify how she became so broken as to betray you. You have been married 22 years. You see here often it is the thrill and excitement of new romance that fuels the A. Your WW needs to address this if she wants your M to recover.

I was like you. I was not going to be the marital police and constantly monitor her communications. If she cheated again I was gone. But she did show by her actions over an extended time that she totally in on our marriage, and we slowly rebuilt trust.

Good luck. Take care of you. You have suffered a trauma, and even if she is the perfect remorseful WW, you still need to heal as well.

Unless I missed it, I’m unclear in the end whether it was an EA or an EA and PA?

This is such a typical story. Spouse gets caught, swears it’s over, receives no consequences, so right back to the affair. I agree with the others who think she has more than an infatuation with him after knowing him-so long-and sleeping with him multiple times. She feels strongly enough to go back to him after receiving the biggest scare she could have, you finding out in the first place. You would think if there was no emotional involvement she wouldn’t risk it. But the risk reward was worth it.

So how did it play out. You find out about the lie and sex, leave for a couple of hours, then come back and promise you have taken d off the table, spend the night comforting her, then take her out for a nice day at the lake. If this were my punishment for having sex with another woman sign me up! (Tongue in cheek)

I’m not saying you can’t do these things in a few months, but what you do now sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. She needs to feel some consequences. Quitting her job (my guess you won’t make her do it) and not contacting (her word and she is clever enough to find a workaround) him. Is a start but not enough

My feeling is this is the tip of the iceberg. It has gone on longer than you think, with much more sex than you think also. The timeline is good, but what’s to say it’s the truth. You need to let her know you are going to do a forensic examination of the timeline. Credit cards, phone bills, google map searches, and after that a polygraph to verify. Often just the threat of the poly is enough to get answers. This should be a one strike you are out. No more lying about anything or you are done. Hell, tell her you are going to DNA the kids. Probably 99.9% sure they are yours, but nothing wakes a cheating wife like hearing this. This mean you mean business.

This is another case where you have to suck it up and you suffer the consequences of contacting the OMW. She needs to know. First to get her view of it, and as a second set of eyes.

I have been here awhile. This story has all the markings of the two parters. First the person shows up in JFO, gets promises that you are the one they love and swear undying faithfulness. The WS gets no real consequences. Part two shows up in general where the headline is " Back again WS never stopped the affair". This isn’t to say you have to end up like that, but if the consequences is getting held, and a nice day off, you will be.

You need to find your anger. It doesn’t have to last forever, but it’s appropriate right now.

Did she say how long the affair went on? Is she sticking to the one time sex in seven years? Did she do it in your house?

Like I said you are setting the stage for how reconciliation could go. You don’t need to be cruel, but you need to be strong

Edited to add after reading op post

So I told her that I would trust that it was over and would not be a helicopter spouse.

This should not be the message. It’s practically sending her into his bed.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 2:18 AM, Friday, August 12th]

So you've told the OBS now,right?

So we both took off work a day to spend some time alone and talk and try to forget the past few days for a while. We went to the lake rented a jet ski and spent the day riding stopping to talk and grabbing some lunch and drinks.

That quote started off great, in that you and your WS took time off to talk, but it was followed up by the worst think you could do (especially at such an early stage of discovery), which is to forget the last few days. You are at war now, and the best time to press on is when the adversary is weakened.

Then you bring your betrayer out for a fun day out..... if your kids broke the TV at home, do you give them a treat also?

I get that your perception is currently screwed up at the moment, so some missteps are expected. Just remember that you are the victim here. Everyone else should be scrambling to help YOU, not you help everyone else.

You pulled the knife out of your back and you handed it back to her, still bleeding, telling her you trust her not to stab you again.

Yeah, you are rugsweeping.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:55 AM, Friday, August 12th]

What you have discovered is only the tip of the fecalberg......

What you have seen from your wife is only her doing damage control......

What you are doing will not solve this issue.......

If you want to see what the truth is, then you must turn on the lights to see the cockroaches scurry. Tell the other OBS, tell the family and do it without warning to the WW.

If you think kindness will alter the perspective of a woman who just used your children as a prop to get you back into the house. Who used them as a lever to get your promise not to divorce her (while she looks at her options).....see the manipulation for what it is. It will be ugly the deeper you dive, but dive you must.

Complete agreement with what everyone’s telling you here. Instead of her receiving the natural consequences of her actions (both your family & hers should be informed, she needed to quit her job immediately, etc.), you literally rewarded her for her behavior by the day at the lake and giving her tender comfort.

Expect to be betrayed again, if her adulterous relationship even ever stopped.

I've been thinking about 'consequences' for some time. This is about as far as I've gotten:

The only substantial consequence that can be imposed by a BS is D. The consequences that count are self-imposed by the WS. A new job, for example, just makes the old A more difficult to sustain - and provides new candidates for another A. Blocking a number is great, but it's not difficult to surreptitiously get the new number to the person who's blocked.

I think I'm writing about the difference between a WS who decides to change from betrayer to good partner and a WS who wants to minimize the damage that comes when an A comes into the light. So ... is your W already working to become a good partner, or is she just trying to limit the damage of getting caught? What does your gut tell you the answer is?

It may be too early for you to be able to answer that question; it probably is (too early). But it's a crucial question that you'll have to answer, an the answer is going to come from your gut. It's not the only crucial question, but it's the one that this thread seems to be about.

Remember: a good partner doesn't love-bomb; they love. A good partner doesn't sex-bomb; they desire sex with you. A good partner doesn't pretend; they are authentic, or at least they start getting authentic. A good partner doesn't tell you you're always right; they confront you when they think you're doing something wrong.

I understand you want to R. That's one ingredient in a successful R, but you can't R alone, and you can't R with someone who doesn't come clean.

I understand you want to R. IMO, opening yourself up to the possibility of living a good life without her is the best way to get the answers you need.

I gotta agree with the others. Neither of you are doing anything to get out of infidelity. She is doing nothing meaningful to make herself a safe partner, and you have done nothing towards showing her any consequences for her A.

Jesus, you have an obvious 2fer available to you. Inform the OBS and the A will stop NOW and she will make him take his business elsewhere, so there will be no need for her to quit her job, which is important if this progresses to D.

You really screwed up with the jet ski reward. Seriously, how do you go from walking out to taking a lake play date in a matter of a few hours. You get pissed … she cries … and you completely cave.

Damn man … have some self respect!!!

Hey. Can we go easier on this guy? He's reeling. He doesn't need to be told 47 times that this is the tip of the iceberg or that he is caving or Ring too soon. He probably got it the first time. Give him some space. He will figure it out as he goes. One step at a time. He will find his anger and we will be there for him when he does.

Thanks again for the support and the truth. And to be fair it is me who has stopped most of the actions she has volunteered. I told her not to quit her job she makes too much money to go home, I told her not to delete her social media as that is not something I wanted her to do. Like you all have said there are too many ways to stay in touch undercover for social media to be only thing to worry about. I have mailed certified letter to omw. She is doing anything I ask of her so what should I ask. What should consequence look like? I’m about to the point of giving up seems like I can’t win

What should consequence look like? I’m about to the point of giving up seems like I can’t win

First, please remember that you don't have to say or do anything to please us.

Consider the responses you are getting here carefully, because these people have walked a similar path. But they don't walk in your shoes; no on can.

Take the advice that makes sense to you, let some advice marinate (you might need it later when it makes more sense), and feel free to reject some advice outright.

Your path will be your own, and we are all tremendously sympathetic that you have found yourself on this path.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 9:52 PM, Friday, August 12th]

Second, this is my 2 cents, so take it as such.

She is doing anything I ask of her so what should I ask. What should consequence look like?

I don't think a lot in terms of "consequences." Although a lot of what will happen (whether you R or D) will likely feel like a consequence to your WS, these are natural consequences of a WS breaking trust and betraying themselves, their spouse and their family. As a BS, I didn't intentionally try to create consequences fory WS.

This might just be semantics, but I think words are important because they reflect our thinking and perspectives.

Therefore, IMO, the aftermath of betrayal is about:

1) Getting out of betrayal

2) Healing

These 2 foundational concepts stand whether you end up reconciling or divorcing.

Divorcing can (hopefully) get you out of betrayal faster, but you still have to heal and work on trusting others--and yourself/your own judgement--again.

If you are attempting R, getting out of betrayal is dicier. How do we ever really know we are getting the real truth? The truth about what really happened? The truth about what is really happening now?

In your situation, verifying that your letter to the other betrayed spouse was received might help you get out of betrayal on 2 levels. It would more likely put the affair to a much more definite end--so it won't start again. It would also allow your spouse to demonstrate commitment to the truth by being willing to answer questions from the OBS...IF the OBS wants your wife's input.

To be clear, I'm NOT suggesting that you have your wife be involved in this next reach out to OBS. I strongly believe the next contact with the OBS should still come from you and should happen without your wife knowing about your plan to contact.

Flagging the move to contact the other man's wife creates way too many chances for your wife and the other man to ensure the other man's evidence is deleted and/or to collaborate on their story/timeline.

The OBS may find evidence you didn't that can prove or refute what your wife is telling you.

Afterward, you can ask your wife to be an "information confirmation resource" for the OBS--but only if the OBS believes that would be helpful.

The natural consequence of this would be that your wife has to face the OBS as a real human who has also suffered collateral damage because the affair.

In my opinion, verifying that the other man's wife received your letter is your next step.

After this step, focus on asking your wife to demonstrate actions that slowly help to rebuild trust. What are these actions? It depends a lot on the "whys" that your wife had the affair and on the methods she used to carry out the betrayal. You won't be able to name them all at once; it will be an evolving list as you heal.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 10:35 PM, Friday, August 12th]

She is doing anything I ask of her so what should I ask. What should consequence look like?

Hard to answer, but What have you asked of her? What has she done except saying she fired the client, and won’t see him anymore. Like other posters have said, words are cheap. Even more devalued in her case as she saw no reason to stop the affair even after she saw how hurt you were. She gave you words, you bought them, then she did what she wanted anyway.

Where was she having sex with him? If it was in your home you should install cameras. If in another spot have her open her phone so you can track that she doesn’t go back there. Did any of her friends know about this? If so they should be cut out of her life. Even if it was her bestie from third grade. Have you told her parents or yours? It is punitive, but might explain if others see the turmoil in the marriage. Is her phone and social media open to you at anytime? Does she still have the ability to download apps that are used by cheaters to communicate?

How have you verified the timeline? Does she know that divorce is back on the table if she lied on that? You might want to consider a VAR in her car. The car is where most cheating spouses communicate with their lovers

I for the life of me can’t see how you still have blind trust in her. But I’m not you and it doesn’t matter what I think. But it would be wise to take the advice of the people here who have been through this.

You obviously love her and want to reconcile. You should. But you need to do it the right way. Right now you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak.

My guess is you don’t listen, but I hope you do. You seem like a really good guy

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 12:11 AM, Saturday, August 13th]